Pondering on Spirit, part 1
Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I have been cogitating on a number of things and they are finally starting to gel. So let me tell you about what I have been pondering.
I sometimes feel like I am cut off from Spirit, for a number of reasons, and that makes me feel hollow and incomplete. The root of this whole mess is my Vision at my Confirmation in the Catholic Church. I am not going into the details but suffice it to say that I was told to leave.
I loved being Catholic. I loved the Pope and I actually dreamt of being a monk. I even had difficulty deciding on which group, the Franciscans or the Jesuits. I am sure that surprises no one. But I was happy and felt complete and my faith sang in my soul. But then I was shown the door by the Holy Spirit.
That hurts, still to this day, decades later. That has made true belief rather difficult for me, because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate that. I believe, but not completely.
So now I have to deal with two differing pulls to my spirit. First is the Circle of Stones. I can see this becoming more than just a dark moon thing. It could easily turn into a teaching coven with the focus on individual learning and not necessarily clergy training. But right now, doing things that don't often occur is good enough for me. I may want to start a running list of ideas so I can scan the list and figure out what is next.
The second thing is something I have tried to do before and failed, ugly. Deity is insisting that I start this so who am I to argue. I have already bitched for two months and it has gotten me exactly nowhere. This idea is the Siblings of the Way. This is a non-hierarchical group whose focus is the Spirit and not necessarily Faith. It is about developing the individual and helping to find their cause and fight for it. It is about supporting your Brothers and Sisters in their Journey knowing that they will support you in yours. It is about taking faith and spirit and dreams and turning them into action. It is about developing the tools you need to be free. At least, thats whats been developing.
The Siblings has been haunting me for years and now it wants to take form. So I have to suck up my fear and actually give this a shot. I am scared to death. The last time I did this I think I fucked up a lot of good people because of my internal issues. I am afraid of that happening again, even though I have gotten rid of all the things that led to the chaos.
I am also afraid of it succeeding. I dreamt of this group changing the world, bit by bit. Not just me alone, but everyone in the group. I know that I am good at starting things but not so good on the follow through and if this actually starts to come together I will need to get past that. That is a dark hole of issues that I have done a great job avoiding.
I have been doing a lot of that lately, in almost every arena that I can come up with. I am avoiding thinking and feeling and listening. I don't know why just yet but I am working on it. Avoiding things by throwing myself into all sorts of distractions has worked quite well so far. I have trimmed my net files a great deal, trying to reduce my net time, as that has proven to be the largest time waster. I am trying to deal with things but I am not so sure I can.
I have two stories that I need to edit and send out to publishers. If I don't do that, then what was the point? My writing is a part of my Spiritual exploration but lately I haven't had a voice. Nothing has caught my interest. I feel cut off from my source. I can feel the stories and stuff in there, wanting to come out but something is blocking me. I agree with Anne, when she was describing Jubal towards the end of the book, "if you don't write you get spiritually constipated." So, yeah...
I am also wondering if all of this crap is why I am afraid of walking around with things open more. I generally live closed up and only open my energy up in a crisis or in sacred space. Maybe changing that will help? I don't know. I am so jangled up right now I am not sure if that will be a good thing or a bad thing overall.
However, I am fairly certain that if I can get the spirit moving then everything else will start moving as well. That will help me lose weight and live more authentically. So heres hoping...
I sometimes feel like I am cut off from Spirit, for a number of reasons, and that makes me feel hollow and incomplete. The root of this whole mess is my Vision at my Confirmation in the Catholic Church. I am not going into the details but suffice it to say that I was told to leave.
I loved being Catholic. I loved the Pope and I actually dreamt of being a monk. I even had difficulty deciding on which group, the Franciscans or the Jesuits. I am sure that surprises no one. But I was happy and felt complete and my faith sang in my soul. But then I was shown the door by the Holy Spirit.
That hurts, still to this day, decades later. That has made true belief rather difficult for me, because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate that. I believe, but not completely.
So now I have to deal with two differing pulls to my spirit. First is the Circle of Stones. I can see this becoming more than just a dark moon thing. It could easily turn into a teaching coven with the focus on individual learning and not necessarily clergy training. But right now, doing things that don't often occur is good enough for me. I may want to start a running list of ideas so I can scan the list and figure out what is next.
The second thing is something I have tried to do before and failed, ugly. Deity is insisting that I start this so who am I to argue. I have already bitched for two months and it has gotten me exactly nowhere. This idea is the Siblings of the Way. This is a non-hierarchical group whose focus is the Spirit and not necessarily Faith. It is about developing the individual and helping to find their cause and fight for it. It is about supporting your Brothers and Sisters in their Journey knowing that they will support you in yours. It is about taking faith and spirit and dreams and turning them into action. It is about developing the tools you need to be free. At least, thats whats been developing.
The Siblings has been haunting me for years and now it wants to take form. So I have to suck up my fear and actually give this a shot. I am scared to death. The last time I did this I think I fucked up a lot of good people because of my internal issues. I am afraid of that happening again, even though I have gotten rid of all the things that led to the chaos.
I am also afraid of it succeeding. I dreamt of this group changing the world, bit by bit. Not just me alone, but everyone in the group. I know that I am good at starting things but not so good on the follow through and if this actually starts to come together I will need to get past that. That is a dark hole of issues that I have done a great job avoiding.
I have been doing a lot of that lately, in almost every arena that I can come up with. I am avoiding thinking and feeling and listening. I don't know why just yet but I am working on it. Avoiding things by throwing myself into all sorts of distractions has worked quite well so far. I have trimmed my net files a great deal, trying to reduce my net time, as that has proven to be the largest time waster. I am trying to deal with things but I am not so sure I can.
I have two stories that I need to edit and send out to publishers. If I don't do that, then what was the point? My writing is a part of my Spiritual exploration but lately I haven't had a voice. Nothing has caught my interest. I feel cut off from my source. I can feel the stories and stuff in there, wanting to come out but something is blocking me. I agree with Anne, when she was describing Jubal towards the end of the book, "if you don't write you get spiritually constipated." So, yeah...
I am also wondering if all of this crap is why I am afraid of walking around with things open more. I generally live closed up and only open my energy up in a crisis or in sacred space. Maybe changing that will help? I don't know. I am so jangled up right now I am not sure if that will be a good thing or a bad thing overall.
However, I am fairly certain that if I can get the spirit moving then everything else will start moving as well. That will help me lose weight and live more authentically. So heres hoping...