Pondering the state of my life...

Dec 28, 2007 15:34

Here is the post with further info...

So, let's see...Xmas was nice.
wintermoon3's family was not that bad. We even got presents addressed to both of us from several people. It was sorta bizarre. Her mom was about normal. Her grandmother is...well...old and can't see well. Nice and everything but she is less of the person I first met and more of an Old person.

By Old I mean someone who has basically given up and is letting nature have it's way. You can be 90 and not old. Old is a state of mind. There are other states of mind that I am not a fan of, but Old is one of the biggies. I want to drink life to the fullest, in big gulps. Being Old gives me no room for that, so screw it.

That brings me to my age. 39 isn't that bad, but I am finding that I am not as spry as I once was and that I get a bit grumpy if I can't get my sleep. The sleep thing is another matter but the spry thing...that can be worked on. I may not be as limber as I once was but that can be corrected. I am also finding myself thinking of the past rather than the future. I am not keen on this trend as that way is the path of OLD...dumdumdunhhhh...

I am remembering random glimpses of my past, often times just some of the landscapes or little tiny moments of no real importance. It is weird to think about all the crazy shit I have done in my life and to sort through it.

It's funny, but the one thing I was most driven for I finally achieved, and that was Love. Granted I slept with a lot of random women and a few men, but there are only a handful of women who have stayed in my heart and never left. They were the ones who helped me get to where I am and with who I am with. In a way, the only people who really count to me, are those in my handful. Kind of an interesting commentary on the nature of love.

Love to me was something I yearned for, as I dearly wished that Love would take away all the pains that being out of sorts left me with. If I couldn't be who I was inside at least I could drown out my sorrows in love.

That search for love first took me to Church. My faith was built on a deep feeling of Love for the Lord and when I was told that it wasn't my way I was utterly heartbroken. I still ache from that pain. I mean, when talking to a nun makes my heart fill the same way it had... The Church would truly count as my first Love, as no one else from that time came close.

The next was Sinika. She was playing Columbia the first night I went to Rocky, and the first time I was on stage for Rocky. A lot of my wild came out from her. I was into Punk in the DC area. Met Henry Rollins, but it was mostly a hey dude kind of thing...le sigh. The picture I saw of him back then reminded me of a great deal. Man he was hot. He was really one of my first true boy crushes.

Sinika let me play with who I was and it was awesome. That time period was one of the most free and wild time in my life. She was the one who threw me the Spaghetti Orgy. I lost track of her and still miss her. She was a blast.

Then was Alison. The thing I am sorriest for is the fact that she had to deal with the brunt of my Asshole man phase. She was an awesome person. Smart, witty, into magic like me, got into Heinlein, I mean it was awesome. She grabbed my heart like no one. And I of course fucked it up. I was in so much pain I just wanted to share it and die. She had to cope with me at my worst. But she taught me a great deal about love.

Jenn was incredible as well. She could do all sorts of stuff and she loved me. The down side is that I was still a touch of Asshole man and I was pining for Alison. So that went down in flames for a number of reason that really aren't important. The point here is that I learned more from Jenn than I did from anyone else. She and Alison really shaped the woman I am today.

Desiree was fun. She reminded me of Sinika in a lot of ways and of Jenn at times. She really took good care of me and I hoped I did the same for her. Without her I don't think I would have made it through my grief and transition in one piece.

I think I will turn the subject here as I am sure people are quite clear on how much
wintermoon3 and I are in love.

What is obvious to me is the name not on the list...myself. Though I believe in myself and the universe, I can't seem to believe that all of this is going to be taken away from me. I have a hard time believing that I am worthy of the friends I have, for my family, everything. I am not sure why that is, but maybe I have had my heart broken too many times. Maybe a part of me believes that Love is too fragile and can vanish in an instant. Maybe...who knows. I just know that I want to get better at accepting and believing in myself.

A lot of my resolutions for the new year deal with building that up. Getting things published is one aim. And writing more, and living my life. I am hoping that living my life will help me stop fretting over it.

Well, that is about it for the moment. I hope you enjoyed my ramble...ciao!

life, pondering, health, love

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