One Ping Mr. Vassily...one ping only...
This may be a bit rambly...sorry...but a lot has been churning...
A number of things have been bouncing around my head lately with nothing really coming to any sort of determination. Since I am not having any luck getting them dealt with in the normal way, You all get to be subjected to this. Keep reading if you really want to...but you have been warned.
First is my health. I am quite concerned because the VA is suddenly come to their senses and stopped being helpful. My sleep study has never been rescheduled, even though I haven't gotten good sleep in who knows how long...possibly as long as 96. Lots of things just haven't seemed to be coming about, appointments or the quality of care I had been used to. So I actually feel worse in a lot of ways than I had and I really have nothing I can do about it. I wish there was something I can do, but I haven't thought of it yet.
Connected is the fact that I am starting to actually get twitchy about surgery. I want it very badly, more so than I ever have. A lot of that is probably due to the fact that I feel more alive and me than ever. So this one flaw in things is making me crazy, especially with how it effects my legal standing. With the TG portion of ENDA being cut for obviously political reasons I actually feel vulnerable to be in this half state. Sure my DL says Female, but my body doesn't. It has been a long time but some girl died in DC because when the Paramedics discovered that her body and ID didn't match they stood there and mocked her as she was dying. This scares me, as I have been in more ambulances since transition then before. I haven't told anyone this as it has been pinging around without getting clear. Now that the Democrats feel that I am a non-person it has really taken off.
Add to that the fact that my therapist hasn't made a follow up appointment and I haven't seen her for two months already and maybe it becomes clear why I am a bit twitchy. I know I have issues. Things with my family still hurt. I mean, for Buddha's sake, I told them about all of this and my decision to become Heather in 2001. I told all of them in person...and my Mother still can't get my fucking name right. I want them to meet River and share in how amazingly proud I am of her. I can't share my family and then they forget to tell me things like my brother had a mini-stroke until it was a few days afterwards. That really felt good.
And the job situation has also helped with my stress levels. The sub work is fun and close to what I want to do, but I don't get enough work to survive on, even alone. So financially I feel like dead weight. Sure the Gov't is paying and will keep paying for how they fucked up my body, but that doesn't make me feel like I have been doing my part to help my family. So I am going to try and get some sort of Gov't job. Because I am a Vet and Disabled I get hiring preference and I want to exploit that. However if I can get a job I am concerned that I can do the job.
My health often gets in the way of things, even in ways I don't share with anyone. I was in a great deal of pain during the last half of Pirate Moon. My shoulder was screaming in pain but I was busy. I did what I could to hold it together and once I was done I sat down and rested my arm. That was in a ritual where I stood and just supported my arm like anyone else. Add to that actually having to lift and move things and that becomes a problem. Typing is mostly ok because I rest my arm a lot. Add in Migraines and Depression and the problem becomes even more clear. I am afraid that if I get a job I won't be able to hold one.
And that is about it for the moment. I can feel more things percolating in my head, but nothing in enough form for me to do anything with it. I haven't been posting because I have had nothing to say. I have been reading because I haven't really been able to write a lot. Things feel so stilted and forced. Maybe I am getting depressed again, just to add insult to injury.
Anyway...I hope you all take care and are able to feel better than me. My friends and loved ones have been keeping me going and I have no idea how to thank you or even how to tell you all what you mean to me. Thank you.
Until later...
A number of things have been bouncing around my head lately with nothing really coming to any sort of determination. Since I am not having any luck getting them dealt with in the normal way, You all get to be subjected to this. Keep reading if you really want to...but you have been warned.
First is my health. I am quite concerned because the VA is suddenly come to their senses and stopped being helpful. My sleep study has never been rescheduled, even though I haven't gotten good sleep in who knows how long...possibly as long as 96. Lots of things just haven't seemed to be coming about, appointments or the quality of care I had been used to. So I actually feel worse in a lot of ways than I had and I really have nothing I can do about it. I wish there was something I can do, but I haven't thought of it yet.
Connected is the fact that I am starting to actually get twitchy about surgery. I want it very badly, more so than I ever have. A lot of that is probably due to the fact that I feel more alive and me than ever. So this one flaw in things is making me crazy, especially with how it effects my legal standing. With the TG portion of ENDA being cut for obviously political reasons I actually feel vulnerable to be in this half state. Sure my DL says Female, but my body doesn't. It has been a long time but some girl died in DC because when the Paramedics discovered that her body and ID didn't match they stood there and mocked her as she was dying. This scares me, as I have been in more ambulances since transition then before. I haven't told anyone this as it has been pinging around without getting clear. Now that the Democrats feel that I am a non-person it has really taken off.
Add to that the fact that my therapist hasn't made a follow up appointment and I haven't seen her for two months already and maybe it becomes clear why I am a bit twitchy. I know I have issues. Things with my family still hurt. I mean, for Buddha's sake, I told them about all of this and my decision to become Heather in 2001. I told all of them in person...and my Mother still can't get my fucking name right. I want them to meet River and share in how amazingly proud I am of her. I can't share my family and then they forget to tell me things like my brother had a mini-stroke until it was a few days afterwards. That really felt good.
And the job situation has also helped with my stress levels. The sub work is fun and close to what I want to do, but I don't get enough work to survive on, even alone. So financially I feel like dead weight. Sure the Gov't is paying and will keep paying for how they fucked up my body, but that doesn't make me feel like I have been doing my part to help my family. So I am going to try and get some sort of Gov't job. Because I am a Vet and Disabled I get hiring preference and I want to exploit that. However if I can get a job I am concerned that I can do the job.
My health often gets in the way of things, even in ways I don't share with anyone. I was in a great deal of pain during the last half of Pirate Moon. My shoulder was screaming in pain but I was busy. I did what I could to hold it together and once I was done I sat down and rested my arm. That was in a ritual where I stood and just supported my arm like anyone else. Add to that actually having to lift and move things and that becomes a problem. Typing is mostly ok because I rest my arm a lot. Add in Migraines and Depression and the problem becomes even more clear. I am afraid that if I get a job I won't be able to hold one.
And that is about it for the moment. I can feel more things percolating in my head, but nothing in enough form for me to do anything with it. I haven't been posting because I have had nothing to say. I have been reading because I haven't really been able to write a lot. Things feel so stilted and forced. Maybe I am getting depressed again, just to add insult to injury.
Anyway...I hope you all take care and are able to feel better than me. My friends and loved ones have been keeping me going and I have no idea how to thank you or even how to tell you all what you mean to me. Thank you.
Until later...