(no subject)
I had a great dream tonight Ryan was in it. so were the rest of the boys but Ryan played the biggest part. We were at some ridiculously formal event with ballgowns and perfect hair and make up and elegant perfect tuxes on the guys and some how i was in some important position that i was presented to the whole gathering and some blond boy close to my age ish took my hand and presented me while i curtsied. I was wearing a beautiful poofy yet flowy burgundy gown. my hair was put up very elegantly and my make up was perfectly done to make my look and feel like a princess. But I felt awkward and out of place so soon I found myself an out of the way table to sit at and sip whatever drink it was that i had in my hand. Eventually a couple of my friends sat with me and we started talking and joking. I'm not 100% sure who they were since they were mostly fuzzy but i'm pretty sure they were Panda and Val. Then Ryan came. He asked if he could join us, I just stared and one of my friends took pity on my and said of course. so he sat with us and he and ,y friends carried on most of the conversation because when he sat down i got scared and felt shy and got quiet because i was afraid i would say or do something that would make him leave or not like me or even hate me. I mean hell it wouldn't be the first time. Eventually he started looking at me gunny and finally asked if there was something wrong/ I had bee so talkative and animated when it was just me and my friends. I said no of course and that i was having a great time. But he didn't look convinced, he gece me a sorta half sad look. Then one of my friends said " she's always gets like this. the only time she really lets herself be herself is when she is just with her really close friends that have proven over and over that the love her and will be friends with her no matter what happens. When any one else, especially someone like you is around she gets like this. Quiet, withdrawn and really observant." I kicked her under the table then and she just said "What?? Its the truth." I said " Yes I get that way for a reason." Ryan quietly watched this whole scene with interest. Then I said "The only other time I'm not this way is when i drink then i never make the best choices." Then Ryan said " You said there is a reason you get quiet like this, Why? you seem like you would enjoy yourself more if you just were yourself."
I looked at him then stared down at the table, "The reason... I'm afraid that if i speak up, act like i do just around my friends, that people will hate me. I have nothing to really offer anyone and I'm not interesting or pretty or beautiful or really worth much at all. I'm just a below average person form the middle of nowhere with impossible dreams. an infuriating personality and unreasonable expectations of the world and people and most especially men.No one in there right mind would want to be around me and when only people I don't care what think are around i can be pretty close to the person I really and but the more important someone's opinion is to me the quieter and more withdrawn I get. Because I don't want them to run away screaming because the see how worthless and unnecessary I am." When I finished this I blushed terribly and stared at the table trying to blink away the tears i felt coming. how could I have given so much of myself away to a man like him surly he would just excuse himself politely and not return. The entire table was silent for a long time. Eventually I looked at my friends who were waring satisfied smirks and peaked at Ryan from the corner of my eye to see him looking at me with a shocked expression. I bit my bottom lip and waited for him to respond but he just sat there. Eventually he said "Wow I didn't expect much of an answer but really why do you see yourself so badly? From what I can see you're just a fun loving beautiful young woman. You shouldn't worry about what other people think of you. Because you will find the people who will accept you for who you are and want and expect nothing more or less." He smiled, his perfectly adorable and beautiful smile. Then he said "No why don't you join back in the conversation and have a little fun?" so all of us talked and joked for a while until Ryan stood up and asked me to dance. I said "I don't think that's such a good idea" He asked "why not?" To myself i though because I am severely uncoordinated, but he took my hand and led me out onto the dance floor just as a slow song started. So we danced...sorta....
When the song was over we grabbed a couple drinks and went back to the table with my friends and drank and talked. I could feel myself getting tipsy so when my friends tried to get me yet another drink i looked at Ryan for a second the back to my friends and said " I don't think that's a good idea" but between the three of them they talked me into another drink and as the night wore on I noticed I was getting close and closer to him and eventually i just grabbed his hand during a fast song and made him dance with me for a while. He was smiling and seemed happy and when we sat back down i was feeling really cuddly and I kept glancing at him so he eventually asked "what?" I blushed and looked down at the table. My other friend popped off with " She's a cuddler when drunk" in a mock whisper Then he looked at me and laughed and moved closer. So i cuddled up against his side and unfortunately this is where i woke up but my Daydream mind created more sooo....
After a while we went to a lounge with comfy couches and chairs and sat and talked and I fell asleep cuddled up against him.
When i woke up later and much more sober I panicked I didn't move at first just glanced around and all of the boys were there and my friends and then I glanced at Ryan, he looked mildly amused but when i knew that he knew that i was awake I sat bolt upright and started stammering out apologies. He just smiled and everyone else laughed a little.
But that is as far as my brain would go. I know none of this is anywhere near possible but my brain cannot or will not come up with what would happen next ,my only thought is maybe it just got too far away from anything that could ever even potentially be real. But even the rest of it would be soooooooooo far out of reality it's unbelievable. The girl that was me....sorta was except she was prettier, more elegant, skinnier. God the only way to put it is Beautiful and that's not me. The only tme I've been near that pretty was Jr. Prom and Soph. Homecoming. Even then not as beautiful as this dream version of me. And I would never be shown off at some fancy gathering like that. Honestly I'd probably never be IN a gathering like that at all. And apart from my fangirl following when they were in Eugene, I will Probably never meet that perfect, beautiful, handsome, kind man. and even if i did A. I'd never be worth him. and B. He would Never Ever be interested in a defective broken daydreamer of a girl who is nearly 12 years younger than him. No I know where my destiny is. In around 40 years I will be that crazy old lady that has like 100 cats in one apartment. The one that has never been married. never been in a serious relationship since that disaster that was my engagement to Lee. *shudder*. And I will never find a boy no a man that I don't have to be a meal ticket for that will ever want me or that i will be good enough for.
But I think I what brought on this dream. Lately I've been thinking about what Paul told me when I met him "Don't be shy. It'll never her you anywhere in life."
But I can think of many reasons why that isn't true. The biggest of which is being shy in life makes it so almost no one has enough information about you to truly hurt you and as someone that has been hurt in pretty deep ways. That alone can mean a lot and help you survive.
And when I know I'm sick and that my body is defective and I'm in pain nearly all the time or just have NO energy. It makes me realize that even though my hopes and dreams scream otherwise, maybe being alone is the best, I mean I want to be a performer, a singer specifically and even more than that i want my own family. But how on earth could i ever support a husband in the way I should? Get a job, Take care of our house/ apartment what ever. cook meals. and how would i ever be able to keep up with children if i had them. Though because of my bicornate uterus (although mild) who knows if i can? And what man wants a wife that can't give him children or if i could probably would barely be able to keep up with them.
And as for performing it doesn't matter how good i am because no one wold want to pay to watch an ugly person like me onstage.
All of this came out of having a dream about the absolutely perfect man of my dreams that I could never have even if i did get to know him.
Sometimes thinking about the things i want in life makes my heart hurt and even brings a few tars at times. Because I know that i will never be worth or deserve what i truly want in life even if i had to pick between my two dreams ( and i would definitely pick family) but i will never be good enough for the things i dream of.
Sometimes I think I love Too much Too easily. And I know that i spend way more of my life in a world of Daydreams that can be healthy...