ok so this poem is driving me mad. i need some help with what it is/what to do with it. poetry nerds i am looking at you!
all two of you.
( she dreamt of the sea )
I'm so sorry it took me so long. I honestly forgot after I got back in town.
I really like this poem a lot, especially the way the stanzas are arranged. I wouldn't change much at all. Your line breaks and word choice are astounding 90% of the time. But I think two main things sort of get in the way of the rhythms of the things you are saying: verb tense and punctuation.
This is sort of hard for me because I know that most of the things I'm going to talk about are intentional on your part, and I really see why you did them. The "ing" verbs are really good for putting the reader in the moment and the commas do accent the seasickness in your slyly lopsided meter. But in some places I think the ing verbs sound vague, and some of the commas also make the poem sound sort of rushed. Here are some suggestions (pretend all the numbers are superscripts):
Maybe when I was in the womb she dreamt of the sea. I think I remember,1 her stomach sloshing2 with salt water, hurling3 a small toy sail boat, the color of milk, into warm rounded walls, 4 tumbling5 mast over keel, in the dark.
This was before dawn, 6 When she awoke to the frozen sound of bells or sirens, and stood up, 7 her stomach touching8 the window sill9 ever so gently, as10 she felt the cold of the pane on her forehead and11 watched the small nervous wreck of a dog, 12 chewing up bones in the deep grass of the yard.
She ate her cereal, a few hours later, 13 cool milk dripping14 on to the wood table carefully holding15 the wide spoon in one hand, the warm comforting idea16 of her stomach in the other. She looked to the papaya trees out by the back gate and thought a long time about the ripe sweet taste of summer.17
By that afternoon she was shuffling18 her feet on the carpet, around the house, seasick, holding onto the walls and the chairs, holding onto herself. there she was around me, as my hands developed like a picture in the half light. Her friendship was like a birdcage with a question here19 tight in her muscles begging. 20 “Ask it,” I yell to the bells and the sirens “ask it”, I say21 the dog and take a long look at the bones “ask it”, I whisper to her in the window. I’ve got eyes and hands and legs now, which keep drifting about, restless inside of a dream.22 23
1. A period might work better here. 2. I suggest “sloshed” 3. hurled? 4. All of the commas here at seem sort of overwhelming in combination with the line breaks (which I love). Maybe choose 2 or 3 for this stanza? 5. Despite what I just said about commas, I think once might work here. 6. A period here, perhaps? 7.Another period? I might be overdoing this. 8. touched? 9. I think that you could have a line break here if you want one. If you don’t, it is fine this way 10. I would take this “as” out entirely, for flow. 11. Again, I think this “and” is unnecessary. 12. consider omitting comma. 13. Maybe omit this comma as well. 14. dripped? 15. Consider a line break here for the sake of balance between the two hands. 16. This is the only time in the whole poem that I have trouble with your word choice. I think the abstractness of “idea” sort of distracts from the solidity of the belly. Maybe “weight”? Maybe just omit the word entirely, to “warm comforting stomach.” 17. Beautiful three lines. Just amazing. 18. I definitely think this should just be “shuffled” if for no other reason than to match the previous stanzas. 19. consider adding a comma here. 20. This is my favorite stanza. ( and I love all of the commas here) 21. add “to”? 22. On the last two lines: There may be too many words here. I’m not sure which ones exactly. It just seems like there could be fewer words. 23. While I think this is a strong last line, something in me wants the sea to return somehow. I don’t have any solid suggestions there. That one’s really just a muse.
I guess that's all. If this form is confusing, or if you want to talk more about the poem or anything at all, email me at supercaso(at)yahoo(dot)com.
I really like this poem a lot, especially the way the stanzas are arranged. I wouldn't change much at all. Your line breaks and word choice are astounding 90% of the time. But I think two main things sort of get in the way of the rhythms of the things you are saying: verb tense and punctuation.
This is sort of hard for me because I know that most of the things I'm going to talk about are intentional on your part, and I really see why you did them. The "ing" verbs are really good for putting the reader in the moment and the commas do accent the seasickness in your slyly lopsided meter. But in some places I think the ing verbs sound vague, and some of the commas also make the poem sound sort of rushed.
Here are some suggestions (pretend all the numbers are superscripts):
Maybe when I was in the womb she dreamt of the sea.
I think I remember,1
her stomach sloshing2 with salt water,
hurling3 a small toy sail boat,
the color of milk,
into warm rounded walls, 4
tumbling5 mast over keel,
in the dark.
This was before dawn, 6
When she awoke to the frozen sound of bells
or sirens,
and stood up, 7 her stomach touching8 the window sill9 ever so gently,
as10 she felt the cold of the pane on her forehead
and11 watched the small nervous wreck of a dog, 12
chewing up bones in the deep grass of the yard.
She ate her cereal, a few hours later, 13
cool milk dripping14 on to the wood table
carefully holding15 the wide spoon in one hand,
the warm comforting idea16 of her stomach in the other.
She looked to the papaya trees out by the back gate
and thought a long time about the ripe sweet taste
of summer.17
By that afternoon
she was shuffling18 her feet on the carpet,
around the house,
seasick,
holding onto the walls and the chairs,
holding onto herself.
there she was around me,
as my hands developed like a picture in the half light.
Her friendship was like a birdcage
with a question here19 tight in her muscles
begging. 20
“Ask it,” I yell to the bells and the sirens
“ask it”, I say21 the dog and take a long look at the bones
“ask it”, I whisper to her in the window.
I’ve got eyes and hands and legs now,
which keep drifting about,
restless inside of a dream.22 23
1. A period might work better here.
2. I suggest “sloshed”
3. hurled?
4. All of the commas here at seem sort of overwhelming in combination with the line breaks (which I love). Maybe choose 2 or 3 for this stanza?
5. Despite what I just said about commas, I think once might work here.
6. A period here, perhaps?
7.Another period? I might be overdoing this.
8. touched?
9. I think that you could have a line break here if you want one. If you don’t, it is fine this way
10. I would take this “as” out entirely, for flow.
11. Again, I think this “and” is unnecessary.
12. consider omitting comma.
13. Maybe omit this comma as well.
14. dripped?
15. Consider a line break here for the sake of balance between the two hands.
16. This is the only time in the whole poem that I have trouble with your word choice. I think the abstractness of “idea” sort of distracts from the solidity of the belly. Maybe “weight”? Maybe just omit the word entirely, to “warm comforting stomach.”
17. Beautiful three lines. Just amazing.
18. I definitely think this should just be “shuffled” if for no other reason than to match the previous stanzas.
19. consider adding a comma here.
20. This is my favorite stanza. ( and I love all of the commas here)
21. add “to”?
22. On the last two lines: There may be too many words here. I’m not sure which ones exactly. It just seems like there could be fewer words.
23. While I think this is a strong last line, something in me wants the sea to return somehow. I don’t have any solid suggestions there. That one’s really just a muse.
I guess that's all. If this form is confusing, or if you want to talk more about the poem or anything at all, email me at supercaso(at)yahoo(dot)com.
-Casey
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