264; heavy personal stuffs....
I never want to be the type of person who holds the mentality that my problems are worse than anyone else's and that should entitle me to more of anything.
I have been through some shit, but I also don't think that means I'm a better, more deserving person.
Also I am a firm believer in "you get out of anything what you put into it", along with living compassionately. [Thank you Buddhism <3].
I've had amazing things happen to me, but the major crap I've been through is this:
My father left my mom when I was a baby. I never met him or knew him after that, then he died when I was 16. I consider it sad I never knew him and developed that apparently [sometimes] awesome father-daughter daddy's girl relationship, but the fact that he died I only really got sad about a few times.
I did have a step-father who sort of fulfilled the father-daughter thing, until he molested me repeatedly when I was [I think...] 7 or so. I know I was already in school but I hadn't turned 10 yet. He was overall just a scumbag. I never told anyone about what he did until I was in college and I told Crevan first, than my mom. I really don't think about it anymore, like, I believe I've healed past it, but still, it's icky. :/
Other than those, and obviously the shit I'm dealing with currently [cancer, of course], the only other really icky thing that's happened has been depression, but I've only become suicidally depressed twice. The first time, counseling sorted it out and the second, antidepressants have been wonderful.
I just don't want to feel that these things should entitle me to be more important than other people. I think when I was really depressed earlier this year, I got into this mindset of believing I needed more attention and that my problems were worse and therefore worthier of notice. I don't think it helped that at the time my family here was being a bit neglectful, but they have improved. As have I, as far as how I think of my issues. I think though, yeah, a lot of what I was going through sparked the whole thing with Efe, but at the same time, I did want her to whole, and healthy, able to move past her grief, and also see herself in a better light. It still wasn't really right of me to think I deserved more than her, and I'm glad I don't think that way anymore.
I've become even more incredibly grateful for my support systems. :D *heaps love upon you guys, and my family, and Crevan, and everyone else who's been amazing and here for me*
Buh, I'm going back to bed though, I'm feeling nauseous and sleeeeepy.
I have been through some shit, but I also don't think that means I'm a better, more deserving person.
Also I am a firm believer in "you get out of anything what you put into it", along with living compassionately. [Thank you Buddhism <3].
I've had amazing things happen to me, but the major crap I've been through is this:
My father left my mom when I was a baby. I never met him or knew him after that, then he died when I was 16. I consider it sad I never knew him and developed that apparently [sometimes] awesome father-daughter daddy's girl relationship, but the fact that he died I only really got sad about a few times.
I did have a step-father who sort of fulfilled the father-daughter thing, until he molested me repeatedly when I was [I think...] 7 or so. I know I was already in school but I hadn't turned 10 yet. He was overall just a scumbag. I never told anyone about what he did until I was in college and I told Crevan first, than my mom. I really don't think about it anymore, like, I believe I've healed past it, but still, it's icky. :/
Other than those, and obviously the shit I'm dealing with currently [cancer, of course], the only other really icky thing that's happened has been depression, but I've only become suicidally depressed twice. The first time, counseling sorted it out and the second, antidepressants have been wonderful.
I just don't want to feel that these things should entitle me to be more important than other people. I think when I was really depressed earlier this year, I got into this mindset of believing I needed more attention and that my problems were worse and therefore worthier of notice. I don't think it helped that at the time my family here was being a bit neglectful, but they have improved. As have I, as far as how I think of my issues. I think though, yeah, a lot of what I was going through sparked the whole thing with Efe, but at the same time, I did want her to whole, and healthy, able to move past her grief, and also see herself in a better light. It still wasn't really right of me to think I deserved more than her, and I'm glad I don't think that way anymore.
I've become even more incredibly grateful for my support systems. :D *heaps love upon you guys, and my family, and Crevan, and everyone else who's been amazing and here for me*
Buh, I'm going back to bed though, I'm feeling nauseous and sleeeeepy.