/sigh
Lots to rant talk about, not enough time and/or space in one entry, most likely. There's a lot of things I need to do, some of them RIGHT NOW, some of them I want to at least try to do during spring break (which is next week, thankfully). /sigh
In this entry, though, I think I'll talk about the earthquake.
I woke up on the morning of Friday, March 11th dreading school. The past two weeks had been long, & I really, REALLY needed some time to relax & watch Arashi, maybe hang out with friends. To help wake myself up, I went on my laptop & did the usual: check my email, check fanfic comms, check Facebook. On Facebook, I'm a part of this group that's composed of Johnny's fans. & that's where I heard about what happened. There were people posting constantly about the status of Japan, of the Johnny's we wanted to know were okay, even people who weren't Johnny's. One person in the group from Japan was out of the country at the time, for which we were thankful. It was... chaotic, to put it mildly. People were posting almost every second, asking questions, answering them, providing new information. I could hardly even process it as I quickly read & reread everything they posted, everything they commented. That was when I wished I believed in some type of religion, so I knew who I was praying to. I looked at my laptop constantly, checking for notifications while getting ready for school. Because, of course, no matter how deeply affected I was by the disaster, I technically didn't know anyone there, not even the person in our Facebook group.
Most of us are Arashi fans, so the first thing I saw was, "ARASHI IS SAFE." In fact, it was posted often, in the lists that people found & shared with us, even just like that, though all of us knew they were safe by now. Still, there were a lot of people missing, people whose names I couldn't think of at the moment, people whose names I didn't & will probably never know. Worried for my favorite celebrities, but thinking, "Isn't it awful? Those people who aren't famous aren't being searched for like this." I was worried about celebrities, but I was also worried about Japan as a whole. I didn't know those people, just these celebrities; I couldn't search for someone whose name I don't know. So I looked up celebrities. Almost late for school, but I had to check again. Maki isn't there. Karina isn't there. Shota isn't there. Someone posted a link, Google Person Finder for the Japan earthquake. Erika hasn't been found. Kanon hasn't been found, Eita hasn't been found. On the car ride to school, I checked my phone for Facebook updates, clicked the Person Finder link & typed in someone I hadn't thought of until then. My mind was racing, my vision was blurred, from tears forming & the fact that I had forgotten my glasses. I was scared. So very scared.
I hated it when I arrived at school. All I wanted to do was blast my Japanese music, discover good news instead of bad. Refresh every single list, every single tab I had open to be sure of Japan's more recent updates. My mom said, "Have a good day at school," like she always does, but for once, I couldn't give her an answer, not even the grunt I had been giving her the past few days. Slamming the car door, I walked into the building.
For some reason, as soon as I stepped inside, it hit me. This was an 8.9 magnitude earthquake. I thought of Kobe Shimbun no Nanokakan. Watching that documentary made me cry. Thinking that this was worse & it was happening right now, I barely made it to the table I usually sit at to wait for the bell to ring. Put my stuff down, barely hearing everyone's slightly cheerful greeting before trailing off. I turned to Jay (emo_anime15) & sobbed.
No one knew why I was crying, until Allison arrived at school.
Allison (lingxiaoyou) had heard about it, &, being the main poster of our own, Super Junior, group, started posting that morning as well. 2NE1 was in Japan for their debut, but they went back to Korea safely. Celebrities in Korea were worried about the Japanese people. Things that talked about the crisis in Japan, but were still somehow related to Korea. She knew. She just didn't see the images that flashed in my mind. I cursed my own imagination. None of the pictures I had seen had shown blood, or even dead people. Just destroyed buildings & roads. But I could imagine. & it was hard to stop the tears. I didn't speak much the first half of the day.
Those 4 periods before lunch, I cried. I tried hard not to in 2nd, had to turn my head away & make sure I wasn't shaking or anything, because my teacher likes to be nosy, & I really couldn't deal with that at the moment. By lunch time, my eyes were dry; I probably looked horrible. I got in the lunch line even though I felt sick, whether from the crying or the reason why, I don't know. I ate quietly at school for the first time.
When it was time to go to 5th period, I was pissed. Did these people watch the news this morning? Did they understand what was happening? Did they even care? Ignorant. Useless. But I couldn't say anything; even if I was over there, I would be no help at all. Frustration built up at my powerlessness. I couldn't do anything.
6th period. It was the teacher's birthday. A teacher I didn't like, because the way she graded was stupid, & no teacher will ever be as good as Mrs. Sawyer was. There was cake. Chips. Candy. Soda. I grabbed a cup of Sprite & sat down at the other end of the room. The friends I sit with in that period followed. My head was pounding from the crying, I was angry, I felt like I was going to throw up any second, & we were having a fucking party. The teacher brought out the game we made for the chapter we were going over. Told us to play it. Everyone had to participate. I felt like shoving the fork in my hand down her throat. But there had been too much of that... I sat & leaned against one of my friends. Not even halfway through, I stopped answering for our group, put my head on my knees. I felt like shooting myself, my headache was so bad. In the stomach, preferably, because maybe then, whatever was making me nauseous would go away. Jessica (xblazeh) got me some pills.
I barely lived through 7th period. My mom had a day off, so she picked me up. Luckily, I was actually talking by then, or else she would've questioned me, & I probably would've turned the steering wheel into the opposite lane. I kind of wish I had a warning sign for when I get those headaches. Danger: Has Headache. Will Kill If Bothered Slightly.
More good news, more bad news, more good news, more bad news. The Facebook updates sort of fluctuated like that throughout the day, at least when I had an opportunity to check. I got home, checked everything I couldn't on my phone. Mom asked if I was still going to the movies with my friends that day. I decided to go, because the whole month had been horrible already; I should go have some fun. I took a 2 hour nap to get rid of my headache. It worked. I went. I had a lot of fun. I checked my phone once during the time I was there with them. Got home exhausted. Read updates. Slept.
Woke up. Read updates. Talked to Allison a little. Had an idea.
What if I made a booklet, of the stories, of the updates, sold it to people, donated the money? No more ignorance from the people around me. Help is going to Japan. Allison suggested added Libya in there, since they're having a hard time too. I had to go shopping with my parents. Bought some booklets to put the pages in. Me & Allison spent the evening searching for the first half, 12 different things, about what was going on in Japan. Brianna (geng_baby) helped slightly. Slept when finished.
Woke up. Allison had a lot of homework she had neglected for Japan. Allison always does her homework. I looked for Libya things on my own. Sent her everything. She sent me the cover she made. Discussed. Slept.
Monday, after school, I did the final touches, & printed. Carefully placed the papers in the booklet. I only had enough paper to print two. But it was a start.
It's been two weeks. I sold 8. I only had 8. I bought 8 more booklets last weekend. Printed out two more booklets yesterday. I need to print out more; a friend of mine wants to try to sell them at her church, but I don't have that many. I feel like by the time I actually get this going, neither country will need it anymore. arashi_on has raised so much money. So many people have donated. The book is already old, having news from two weeks ago. But I want people to see, to at least try to understand what people in Japan & Libya, or even people like me, were feeling, are feeling. To see what I saw, a jumble of things too chaotic to understand until you calm down & think. Like one of the pages of the book, from a person in, or hurting for, Libya said, people will see a statistic... I want to be able to name those thousands of people who died, put them on a list, so you'll see more than just a number. It might be impossible for me... but at least you can see what I, & many other people, think about these things. I want to show the world my anger, I want to show the world my pain.
For now, though, I'll stick to the people around me. Try to convince them that, if they can't buy a book, at least donate. That dollar might just save someone's life.
In this entry, though, I think I'll talk about the earthquake.
I woke up on the morning of Friday, March 11th dreading school. The past two weeks had been long, & I really, REALLY needed some time to relax & watch Arashi, maybe hang out with friends. To help wake myself up, I went on my laptop & did the usual: check my email, check fanfic comms, check Facebook. On Facebook, I'm a part of this group that's composed of Johnny's fans. & that's where I heard about what happened. There were people posting constantly about the status of Japan, of the Johnny's we wanted to know were okay, even people who weren't Johnny's. One person in the group from Japan was out of the country at the time, for which we were thankful. It was... chaotic, to put it mildly. People were posting almost every second, asking questions, answering them, providing new information. I could hardly even process it as I quickly read & reread everything they posted, everything they commented. That was when I wished I believed in some type of religion, so I knew who I was praying to. I looked at my laptop constantly, checking for notifications while getting ready for school. Because, of course, no matter how deeply affected I was by the disaster, I technically didn't know anyone there, not even the person in our Facebook group.
Most of us are Arashi fans, so the first thing I saw was, "ARASHI IS SAFE." In fact, it was posted often, in the lists that people found & shared with us, even just like that, though all of us knew they were safe by now. Still, there were a lot of people missing, people whose names I couldn't think of at the moment, people whose names I didn't & will probably never know. Worried for my favorite celebrities, but thinking, "Isn't it awful? Those people who aren't famous aren't being searched for like this." I was worried about celebrities, but I was also worried about Japan as a whole. I didn't know those people, just these celebrities; I couldn't search for someone whose name I don't know. So I looked up celebrities. Almost late for school, but I had to check again. Maki isn't there. Karina isn't there. Shota isn't there. Someone posted a link, Google Person Finder for the Japan earthquake. Erika hasn't been found. Kanon hasn't been found, Eita hasn't been found. On the car ride to school, I checked my phone for Facebook updates, clicked the Person Finder link & typed in someone I hadn't thought of until then. My mind was racing, my vision was blurred, from tears forming & the fact that I had forgotten my glasses. I was scared. So very scared.
I hated it when I arrived at school. All I wanted to do was blast my Japanese music, discover good news instead of bad. Refresh every single list, every single tab I had open to be sure of Japan's more recent updates. My mom said, "Have a good day at school," like she always does, but for once, I couldn't give her an answer, not even the grunt I had been giving her the past few days. Slamming the car door, I walked into the building.
For some reason, as soon as I stepped inside, it hit me. This was an 8.9 magnitude earthquake. I thought of Kobe Shimbun no Nanokakan. Watching that documentary made me cry. Thinking that this was worse & it was happening right now, I barely made it to the table I usually sit at to wait for the bell to ring. Put my stuff down, barely hearing everyone's slightly cheerful greeting before trailing off. I turned to Jay (emo_anime15) & sobbed.
No one knew why I was crying, until Allison arrived at school.
Allison (lingxiaoyou) had heard about it, &, being the main poster of our own, Super Junior, group, started posting that morning as well. 2NE1 was in Japan for their debut, but they went back to Korea safely. Celebrities in Korea were worried about the Japanese people. Things that talked about the crisis in Japan, but were still somehow related to Korea. She knew. She just didn't see the images that flashed in my mind. I cursed my own imagination. None of the pictures I had seen had shown blood, or even dead people. Just destroyed buildings & roads. But I could imagine. & it was hard to stop the tears. I didn't speak much the first half of the day.
Those 4 periods before lunch, I cried. I tried hard not to in 2nd, had to turn my head away & make sure I wasn't shaking or anything, because my teacher likes to be nosy, & I really couldn't deal with that at the moment. By lunch time, my eyes were dry; I probably looked horrible. I got in the lunch line even though I felt sick, whether from the crying or the reason why, I don't know. I ate quietly at school for the first time.
When it was time to go to 5th period, I was pissed. Did these people watch the news this morning? Did they understand what was happening? Did they even care? Ignorant. Useless. But I couldn't say anything; even if I was over there, I would be no help at all. Frustration built up at my powerlessness. I couldn't do anything.
6th period. It was the teacher's birthday. A teacher I didn't like, because the way she graded was stupid, & no teacher will ever be as good as Mrs. Sawyer was. There was cake. Chips. Candy. Soda. I grabbed a cup of Sprite & sat down at the other end of the room. The friends I sit with in that period followed. My head was pounding from the crying, I was angry, I felt like I was going to throw up any second, & we were having a fucking party. The teacher brought out the game we made for the chapter we were going over. Told us to play it. Everyone had to participate. I felt like shoving the fork in my hand down her throat. But there had been too much of that... I sat & leaned against one of my friends. Not even halfway through, I stopped answering for our group, put my head on my knees. I felt like shooting myself, my headache was so bad. In the stomach, preferably, because maybe then, whatever was making me nauseous would go away. Jessica (xblazeh) got me some pills.
I barely lived through 7th period. My mom had a day off, so she picked me up. Luckily, I was actually talking by then, or else she would've questioned me, & I probably would've turned the steering wheel into the opposite lane. I kind of wish I had a warning sign for when I get those headaches. Danger: Has Headache. Will Kill If Bothered Slightly.
More good news, more bad news, more good news, more bad news. The Facebook updates sort of fluctuated like that throughout the day, at least when I had an opportunity to check. I got home, checked everything I couldn't on my phone. Mom asked if I was still going to the movies with my friends that day. I decided to go, because the whole month had been horrible already; I should go have some fun. I took a 2 hour nap to get rid of my headache. It worked. I went. I had a lot of fun. I checked my phone once during the time I was there with them. Got home exhausted. Read updates. Slept.
Woke up. Read updates. Talked to Allison a little. Had an idea.
What if I made a booklet, of the stories, of the updates, sold it to people, donated the money? No more ignorance from the people around me. Help is going to Japan. Allison suggested added Libya in there, since they're having a hard time too. I had to go shopping with my parents. Bought some booklets to put the pages in. Me & Allison spent the evening searching for the first half, 12 different things, about what was going on in Japan. Brianna (geng_baby) helped slightly. Slept when finished.
Woke up. Allison had a lot of homework she had neglected for Japan. Allison always does her homework. I looked for Libya things on my own. Sent her everything. She sent me the cover she made. Discussed. Slept.
Monday, after school, I did the final touches, & printed. Carefully placed the papers in the booklet. I only had enough paper to print two. But it was a start.
It's been two weeks. I sold 8. I only had 8. I bought 8 more booklets last weekend. Printed out two more booklets yesterday. I need to print out more; a friend of mine wants to try to sell them at her church, but I don't have that many. I feel like by the time I actually get this going, neither country will need it anymore. arashi_on has raised so much money. So many people have donated. The book is already old, having news from two weeks ago. But I want people to see, to at least try to understand what people in Japan & Libya, or even people like me, were feeling, are feeling. To see what I saw, a jumble of things too chaotic to understand until you calm down & think. Like one of the pages of the book, from a person in, or hurting for, Libya said, people will see a statistic... I want to be able to name those thousands of people who died, put them on a list, so you'll see more than just a number. It might be impossible for me... but at least you can see what I, & many other people, think about these things. I want to show the world my anger, I want to show the world my pain.
For now, though, I'll stick to the people around me. Try to convince them that, if they can't buy a book, at least donate. That dollar might just save someone's life.