(no subject)
Sorry, this kind of picks up mid-scene. Everything I wrote before it is still kind of a mess and I'm working on ironing it out. All you need to know is that it's a few months into the program (maybe early winter) and everyone's memories are starting to come back little by little. Mirek's been trying to reconcile a few little pieces of memory in a session with Dr. Fletcher in his usual pragmatic way when... well, he gets his wish.
I'm sort of giving away one of Mirek's bigger personal secrets here, but a) barely anyone reads this b) barely anyone cares anyway, and b) I love and trust you guys and appreciate the input of those who do read.
***
"I just do not understand what 'A' has to do with 'B,'" he insisted, leaning his forehead against the arm of the couch. "I'm getting very frustrated with the whole situation!"
"Don't get too frustrated," May said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "It will come back to you in time and thinking too much on it will probably just make you crazy."
"Crazier," Mirek snorted, but he did hit up again and remove his glasses to rub at his eyes. "I can feel it," he said. "That's what is most frustrating. I can feel it right there, the connection, like if I just stretch enough I can get it and everything will..." He gestured vaguely with the hand that wasn't covering his eyes. "It will make sense." He started thinking about everything he knew about himself, looping it for the umpteenth time. Cats and dorm rooms and maybe swimming and dirt and something awful with fire and sex and a girl and--god, flowers, flowers, flowers. Lilies and roses and--
He couldn't breathe.
Because the girl--god, his cousin and he--they had--
"Smilování nad..." he whispered, voice trailing off, eyes going wide. "No. No, it's not..." He didn't even notice May's wide, concerned eyes, and the way she inched towards him, hand out stretched. "I--oh god, I think I need... I think I might be sick...."
A trashbin was thrust into his hands and he was dimly aware of it, just as he was dimly aware of vomitting into it as the tawdry scenes that Gideon had been teasing him about only a few hours before replayed again, only this time he knew and--
He retched again, and it tapered off into a sob. He didn't know what else to do, what else he could do besides cry and clutch at the plastic bin between his hands.
May eventually pried it free and set it on the floor. She had moved over to the couch at one point, and was holding a bottle of water out for him along with a box of tissues. She didn't seem phased by his reaction and he wondered if she knew. If she had sat here for weeks and known the entire time, listened to him talk in his sessions and known that this was lingering in his past...
"Did you know?" he finally spits out after wiping his mouth rather violently with a tissue. "Did you actually--have you known all along?"
May shrugged sadly and handed him another tissue. "I'm not sure. I only know what you wrote in your profiles when you joined the experiment. I'm sure you'll be getting back memories that I know nothing about. What is it that you remembered?"
Mirek closed his eyes and breathed in through his teeth. When he was sure he was not going to throw up a third time, he said, "The girl... the girl I keep seeing. She is... I don't know her name, but she is my cousin, and we--" He swallows back the bile again. "It seems we had a... a sexual relationship." He feelt damaged and raw and ashamed just saying it out loud. He felt like he was going to split in two. He felt cold and hot all over and wanted to take a shower or fifteen as soon as possible.
He didn't see May desperately eyeing her notebook, and to her credit, she didn't make a move for it.
"Do you feel better now that you know?" she asked.
"No," he said shortly. "No, no, no, I feel... I feel..."
He didn't have a word for it. He didn't have words for much else for his remaining ten minutes with May, and despite her best efforts, he slipped out the door the moment their session was over.
Mirek was nearly to the stairs when he heard footsteps behind him. He knew it was Gideon without turning around, without Gideon making a sound.
He thought that if he saw him, he might throw up again.
"Hey, Mirek, I put some lunch in the oven," Gideon said cheerfully. "It should be ready when I get out and I thought the two of us could--"
He cut off abruptly when Mirek turned around, white as a sheet and trembling. He was sure his eyes were probably red and raw and he had to swallow back bile again.
"Jesus," Gideon whispered, crossing the living room in double time. "Christ, Mirek, what's--"
Mirek flinched back out of his touch.
"I can't," he whispered, bordering on hysterical. "I... I... I need to..." Gideon, eyes wide and dark and hurt and scared, made another feeble grab for him and Mirek easily stepped up again, well out of reach.
"Mirek! What the hell is--"
"I can't!" Mirek repeated, blinking tears away again. "I can't!" He managed to stumble up a few more steps backwards before he turned around and staggered up the rest of them.
He made it to the bathroom before he threw up again, but just barely.
I'm sort of giving away one of Mirek's bigger personal secrets here, but a) barely anyone reads this b) barely anyone cares anyway, and b) I love and trust you guys and appreciate the input of those who do read.
***
"I just do not understand what 'A' has to do with 'B,'" he insisted, leaning his forehead against the arm of the couch. "I'm getting very frustrated with the whole situation!"
"Don't get too frustrated," May said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "It will come back to you in time and thinking too much on it will probably just make you crazy."
"Crazier," Mirek snorted, but he did hit up again and remove his glasses to rub at his eyes. "I can feel it," he said. "That's what is most frustrating. I can feel it right there, the connection, like if I just stretch enough I can get it and everything will..." He gestured vaguely with the hand that wasn't covering his eyes. "It will make sense." He started thinking about everything he knew about himself, looping it for the umpteenth time. Cats and dorm rooms and maybe swimming and dirt and something awful with fire and sex and a girl and--god, flowers, flowers, flowers. Lilies and roses and--
He couldn't breathe.
Because the girl--god, his cousin and he--they had--
"Smilování nad..." he whispered, voice trailing off, eyes going wide. "No. No, it's not..." He didn't even notice May's wide, concerned eyes, and the way she inched towards him, hand out stretched. "I--oh god, I think I need... I think I might be sick...."
A trashbin was thrust into his hands and he was dimly aware of it, just as he was dimly aware of vomitting into it as the tawdry scenes that Gideon had been teasing him about only a few hours before replayed again, only this time he knew and--
He retched again, and it tapered off into a sob. He didn't know what else to do, what else he could do besides cry and clutch at the plastic bin between his hands.
May eventually pried it free and set it on the floor. She had moved over to the couch at one point, and was holding a bottle of water out for him along with a box of tissues. She didn't seem phased by his reaction and he wondered if she knew. If she had sat here for weeks and known the entire time, listened to him talk in his sessions and known that this was lingering in his past...
"Did you know?" he finally spits out after wiping his mouth rather violently with a tissue. "Did you actually--have you known all along?"
May shrugged sadly and handed him another tissue. "I'm not sure. I only know what you wrote in your profiles when you joined the experiment. I'm sure you'll be getting back memories that I know nothing about. What is it that you remembered?"
Mirek closed his eyes and breathed in through his teeth. When he was sure he was not going to throw up a third time, he said, "The girl... the girl I keep seeing. She is... I don't know her name, but she is my cousin, and we--" He swallows back the bile again. "It seems we had a... a sexual relationship." He feelt damaged and raw and ashamed just saying it out loud. He felt like he was going to split in two. He felt cold and hot all over and wanted to take a shower or fifteen as soon as possible.
He didn't see May desperately eyeing her notebook, and to her credit, she didn't make a move for it.
"Do you feel better now that you know?" she asked.
"No," he said shortly. "No, no, no, I feel... I feel..."
He didn't have a word for it. He didn't have words for much else for his remaining ten minutes with May, and despite her best efforts, he slipped out the door the moment their session was over.
Mirek was nearly to the stairs when he heard footsteps behind him. He knew it was Gideon without turning around, without Gideon making a sound.
He thought that if he saw him, he might throw up again.
"Hey, Mirek, I put some lunch in the oven," Gideon said cheerfully. "It should be ready when I get out and I thought the two of us could--"
He cut off abruptly when Mirek turned around, white as a sheet and trembling. He was sure his eyes were probably red and raw and he had to swallow back bile again.
"Jesus," Gideon whispered, crossing the living room in double time. "Christ, Mirek, what's--"
Mirek flinched back out of his touch.
"I can't," he whispered, bordering on hysterical. "I... I... I need to..." Gideon, eyes wide and dark and hurt and scared, made another feeble grab for him and Mirek easily stepped up again, well out of reach.
"Mirek! What the hell is--"
"I can't!" Mirek repeated, blinking tears away again. "I can't!" He managed to stumble up a few more steps backwards before he turned around and staggered up the rest of them.
He made it to the bathroom before he threw up again, but just barely.