the more photogenic of the two gets a presidential pardon and a full life at a petting zoo
To all you Americans, anyway. The rest of you can shove it*, on this holiday of caring and thankfulness.
I would make a list of things I am thankful for, but I think I will sum it up here:
1. Family.
2. Friends.
3. Anyone who actually feeds my ego by reading this journal.
4. Teh internets.
5. Hats that look like frogs.
6. Freedom of speech.
7. Aaron Sorkin.
***
I started a Thanksgiving Story but I probably won't have time to finish it until tonight. It's pretty much lame and an excuse for Richard and Richie Pratchett to make ridiculous jokes, but I'm kind of okay with that.
***
Here are some Thanksgivingy quotes from my favourite show.
SAM: Well over three and a half centuries ago, sprinkling by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.
TOBY: Sam...
SAM: It'd be good.
TOBY: Read the thing.
SAM: By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs and by night, they solve crimes.
TOBY: Read the thing.
SAM: Pilgrim detectives.
TOBY: Do you see me laughing?
SAM: I think you're laughing on the inside.
TOBY: Okay.
SAM: With the big hats.
TOBY: Give me the speech.
***
C.J.: I'll also remind you that it's Thanksgiving week, which means the traditional presidential pardon...you know...of the chosen turkey. That will be Wednesday afternoon. Thursday morning, the president will make his Thanksgiving proclamation in the Rose Garden. Among the guests will be members of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America and members of the Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America.
REPORTER: Will you be leading them in song?
C.J.: I'm sorry?
REPORTER: The press secretary usually leads the kids in song.
C.J.: Yes, of course I will be leading them in song for I am the press secretary. Thank you. (to Carol) I've got to learn some songs
***
C.J.: I need you to pardon a turkey.
BARTLET: I already pardoned a turkey.
C.J.: I need you to pardon another one.
BARTLET: Didn't I do it right?
C.J.: You did it great, but I need you to come out here and pardon another one.
BARTLET: Aren't I gonna get a reputation for being soft on turkeys?
C.J.: Sir, could you come out here and just get this over with?
BARTLET: No, I'm not just gonna get this--What the hell is going on?
C.J.: They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
BARTLET: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
***
BARTLET: We've made it into the New World, Josh. You know what I get to do now? I get to proclaim the National Day of Thanksgiving.
***
WOMAN: Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
TOBY: What the hell is...
BARTLET: Shhhh. Hello!!
WOMAN: How can I help you, sir?
BARTLET: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
WOMAN: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
BARTLET: I'm a citizen.
WOMAN: I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comment in our customer feedback form.
BARTLET: I'm Joe Betherson...sen. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
WOMAN: And your address?
BARTLET: Fargo.
WOMAN: Your street address, please?
TOBY: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now.
BARTLET: My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Toby hands him a slip of paper with the zip code] Zip code 50504.
WOMAN: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
BARTLET: I do radio commercials for... products.
WOMAN: And how can I help you?
BARTLET: Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
WOMAN: It can also be baked in the casserole dish.
BARTLET: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we?
WOMAN: I suppose.
BARTLET: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
WOMAN: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are salmonella and camplyobacter jejuna.
BARTLET: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
WOMAN: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. SautE any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
BARTLET: Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
WOMAN: One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
BARTLET: No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
WOMAN : Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
BARTLET: Okay. Good testing!
WOMAN: Do you have an accurate thermometer?
BARTLET: Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand.] auto sales in...
TOBY: Fargo.
BARTLET: Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.
WOMAN: Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
BARTLET: And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone, stands up] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.
TOBY: Phil Baharnd?
BARTLET: I gotta get better at the names.
***
*Clearly this is an ironic joke. And clearly, I totally forgot to put this footnote in until seven hours later.