brains :(
Hi there, internet.
It's a drag, internet. It's just...a drag, lately. I spent way too much of Halloween crying (though we did get a ton of trick-or-treaters which basically saved the day) and I've spent way too much time the last week crying, period. And that's not counting all the crying I did at The Book Thief.
(Quick aside--The Book Thief was AMAZING, if much more concise than the novel. I went with weesaw and ruffwriter and cried basically the whole time, but sobbed through the last fifteen or so minutes. If you've read the book, go see it. If you've never read the book, go see it anyway and then read the book. Just go go go go go.)
Part of it is the time of year and part of it is how much I hate my job and part of it is just my brain, I'm sure. I'm so unsure of myself and it's driving me nuts. I'm used to questioning my self-worth as a friend, but I'm not really used to questioning it as a writer and being a) unable to finish anything and b) prone to actually abandoning things because I'm so sure everyone will hate them is just...it's foreign and awful and I keep putting more and more pressure on myself the longer I go without progress. And also every time I see someone complete a task that I haven't been able to complete. There were half a dozen Halloween stories posted on AO3 and I couldn't even read all of them because I kept thinking, "See, all of these people can finish a Halloween story on time, you're just lazy and awful and untalented and that why you couldn't." I keep getting actively discouraged from things by seeing other people talking about similar ideas and getting positive feedback because my brain chimes in with, "Well, they obviously like that person more than you and their idea is better anyway and yours will just look awful and derivative, so just stop now."
I mean, I'm as guilty as anyone of saying things like, "Yeah, it's not my best work, but it's done" or "It's not a great story" or whatever, and I certainly complain a lot DURING the writing process, but it's never been this severe before. It's never actually stopped me from working. And I really, really hate it. I don't know what to do.
I'm feeling the need for another tumblr break again too, which sucks now that DoFP stuff keeps coming out. Like, I def want to see it, but there's also def a community vibe on there that I don't feel a part of and I just get stupidly upset over dumb things that I'm too embarrassed to even really talk about. Half of which, I know, is depression and hormones and shit like that, but it's rough going and just...exhausting.
It's just a shitty time to be in my brain and to try and be interacting with people whom I like, but whom don't seem to like me overly much. I feel like I'm usually mostly better at this.
I'm also still tired all the time. Which doesn't help the writing thing much, as I'm too tired to write at work and afraid to stay up too late to write once I get home.
It's not a good time to be Kaitlyn, is what I'm saying, and with DST this weekend, I'm sure it will only get worse. Yay. :(
***
In slightly less depressing news, tomorrow is Tamara's baby shower and I'm excited to go and also weirdly nervous because it will mostly be Tamara and Kate's grown-up friends and then me, Margaret, and Kyleigh. At least we'll be together, though!
Also, I listened to The Thing on the Fourble Board yesterday and have subsequently become incredibly enamored with old timey horror radio broadcasts. I found a podcast (The Horror on Relic Radio) that just rebroadcasts all the old shows and I've been listening to it all day. Some of them are kind of kitschy and silly now, but some of them are still creepy and great and there are like, five hundred to go through, so that's exciting.
Mostly, I'm trying to keep my head above water. I really want a weekend off, but I keep having social-type things, so.....who knows. Maybe we'll leave early tomorrow.
Now I'm going to try and write a little more before I pass out. I keep being drawn back to this stupid, overly sentimental, OOC story that about five different people have either a) talked about writing or b) posted a story that contains a similar concept in the past week. And I want to abandon it--I've grown to kind of hate it, actually, but I also can't stop poking at it. I might just...post it here when it's finished without crossposting or advertising, just so it's out in the world eventually. We'll see.
It's a drag, internet. It's just...a drag, lately. I spent way too much of Halloween crying (though we did get a ton of trick-or-treaters which basically saved the day) and I've spent way too much time the last week crying, period. And that's not counting all the crying I did at The Book Thief.
(Quick aside--The Book Thief was AMAZING, if much more concise than the novel. I went with weesaw and ruffwriter and cried basically the whole time, but sobbed through the last fifteen or so minutes. If you've read the book, go see it. If you've never read the book, go see it anyway and then read the book. Just go go go go go.)
Part of it is the time of year and part of it is how much I hate my job and part of it is just my brain, I'm sure. I'm so unsure of myself and it's driving me nuts. I'm used to questioning my self-worth as a friend, but I'm not really used to questioning it as a writer and being a) unable to finish anything and b) prone to actually abandoning things because I'm so sure everyone will hate them is just...it's foreign and awful and I keep putting more and more pressure on myself the longer I go without progress. And also every time I see someone complete a task that I haven't been able to complete. There were half a dozen Halloween stories posted on AO3 and I couldn't even read all of them because I kept thinking, "See, all of these people can finish a Halloween story on time, you're just lazy and awful and untalented and that why you couldn't." I keep getting actively discouraged from things by seeing other people talking about similar ideas and getting positive feedback because my brain chimes in with, "Well, they obviously like that person more than you and their idea is better anyway and yours will just look awful and derivative, so just stop now."
I mean, I'm as guilty as anyone of saying things like, "Yeah, it's not my best work, but it's done" or "It's not a great story" or whatever, and I certainly complain a lot DURING the writing process, but it's never been this severe before. It's never actually stopped me from working. And I really, really hate it. I don't know what to do.
I'm feeling the need for another tumblr break again too, which sucks now that DoFP stuff keeps coming out. Like, I def want to see it, but there's also def a community vibe on there that I don't feel a part of and I just get stupidly upset over dumb things that I'm too embarrassed to even really talk about. Half of which, I know, is depression and hormones and shit like that, but it's rough going and just...exhausting.
It's just a shitty time to be in my brain and to try and be interacting with people whom I like, but whom don't seem to like me overly much. I feel like I'm usually mostly better at this.
I'm also still tired all the time. Which doesn't help the writing thing much, as I'm too tired to write at work and afraid to stay up too late to write once I get home.
It's not a good time to be Kaitlyn, is what I'm saying, and with DST this weekend, I'm sure it will only get worse. Yay. :(
***
In slightly less depressing news, tomorrow is Tamara's baby shower and I'm excited to go and also weirdly nervous because it will mostly be Tamara and Kate's grown-up friends and then me, Margaret, and Kyleigh. At least we'll be together, though!
Also, I listened to The Thing on the Fourble Board yesterday and have subsequently become incredibly enamored with old timey horror radio broadcasts. I found a podcast (The Horror on Relic Radio) that just rebroadcasts all the old shows and I've been listening to it all day. Some of them are kind of kitschy and silly now, but some of them are still creepy and great and there are like, five hundred to go through, so that's exciting.
Mostly, I'm trying to keep my head above water. I really want a weekend off, but I keep having social-type things, so.....who knows. Maybe we'll leave early tomorrow.
Now I'm going to try and write a little more before I pass out. I keep being drawn back to this stupid, overly sentimental, OOC story that about five different people have either a) talked about writing or b) posted a story that contains a similar concept in the past week. And I want to abandon it--I've grown to kind of hate it, actually, but I also can't stop poking at it. I might just...post it here when it's finished without crossposting or advertising, just so it's out in the world eventually. We'll see.