the worst christmas book ever
So, I have to be at The Bookstore at 8am. It is now 12:30. I could be in bed. Instead, I am LJing.
No, I don't know what's wrong with me, either.
***
Oh my gosh, internet, I have gained so many new LJ friends in the past few weeks. I'm gonna be honest, it's a little crazypants, especially because I am hella boring. (Oh, this is a note to myself to remind me to seek out some of you guys on Twitter tomorrow, when I am not crazy from sleep deprivation + Bookstore.)
Anyway, as a little update for all you ~*new people*~ (and to put the rest of this entry in something resembling context), I am the Children's Department Overlord at The Bookstore. (I have a liberal arts degree. In a shitty economy, this is what we liberal arts degree people DO.) It's really not very different than being a Children's Department Minion at The Bookstore, except, in theory, I can order people around. In actuality, I do pretty much everything myself. It is more efficient that way, okay? I know where everything goes, mostly off the top of my head.
So, whatever, it is the day before Christmas, so let's talk about some books that I have read lately. One that is AWESOME and one that is HILARIOUSLY BAD.
First, the awesome one:
The Brixton Brothers #1: The Case of the Case of Mistaken Identity
By Mac Barnett with illustrations by Adam Rex
Guys, when I heard that Mac Barnett was writing a Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew/et cetera parody and that Adam Rex was illustrating it, I pretty much decided that there was no way it could live up to my RIDICULOUSLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS.
AND THEN IT DID.
Mac Barnett wrote Billy Twitters and His Blue Whale Problem and Guess Again! both of which are awesome and the latter of which is one of my favorite comedic picture books of 2009. (Adam Rex illustrated both of those as well.) I am pretty much at the point where I will read anything he writes. But this book is one that I will also recommend to everyone I see. I ALREADY HAVE. Within a day of reading it, I sold all three copies we had and shortlisted five more.
Steve Brixton is obsessed with the Bailey Brothers Mysteries. He's read them all multiple times. He carries around The Bailey Brothers' Detective Handbook. He wants to be a detective--until he finds out he already IS on. Guys, there is mistaken identity, a million in-jokes to readers of Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys, lots of anachronistic slang, incredibly sharp humor, secret agent librarians, and a reveal worthy of a Scooby Doo episode. I want to read this book ten more times, immediately. I know that a lot of people on my flist will appreciate the fact that the librarians are super badass. I know a few other people on my flist enjoy old mystery series. AND YOU SHOULD ALL ENJOY HUMOR. SERIOUSLY. Oh man, there are so many laugh out loud parts--Steven dressing as a sailor to go undercover at a bar by the docks, Steve solving like, eighteen mysteries without trying, the note that Steve leaves for his mom when he's on the run from the police, the lists of possible suspects that he makes in his detective notebook, and the amazing poking fun at the Hardy Boys and their ilk.
It was pretty much awesome, guys. I am SO GLAD it is the first in a series, because I am already dying to read all the rest.
And now, the super shitty book:
The Christmas Sweater
by Glenn Beck
Okay, first of all, I know you're all saying, "Why did you even bother to read Glenn Beck's stupid book?"
I'll tell you why, internet. It's because we had eight million copies of it and it was selling like mad and I needed to know why.
I still don't know why, dudes.
The book starts with our protagonist, whose name I didn't even bother to remember, wishing that he'll get the shiny red bike he wants so very badly for Christmas. His grandfather, who looks and dresses suspiciously like Santa Claus (a fact that is pointed out in the text), comes in and tells him that the BEST gift he could get for Christmas is a Christmas sweater. The kid asks why, and GrandSanta says that a Christmas sweater is full of memories while a bike is just, you know, useful.
Kid goes to sleep and promptly dreams of finding a Christmas sweater and putting it on. While in the Christmas sweater, he has a wonderful time sledding with Dad, baking with Mom, and delivering toys in Grandpa's sleigh? Even though it's previously established that Grandpa ISN'T Santa, he just looks like him? IDEK, to be honest, I wasn't paying much attention at that point.
He wakes up and goes downstairs where his family is waiting for him to start Christmas. There's a shiny red bike in front of the tree! Kid just stares at it. His dad assures him it's real and it's his, but Kid doesn't care. Then, Mom presents him with his Christmas sweater, and he FINALLY understands the love and meaning of Christmas. Or something.
Because, remember guys, it is much better to have an ugly sweater you can only wear--at most--for three weeks out of the year than it is to have a bike, which is really useful and can be played with all year and for years to come.
All I can figure is that Glenn Beck was trying to capitalize on the shitty economy. "People can buy my $17 book to show their kids that presents don't matter, it's all about COMPANIONSHIP and ugly sweaters!"
***
So, apparently, in my baking-induced stupor last night (I made three batches of cookies, one batch of cupcakes, frosting from scratch, hot chocolate on a stick, and... something else that I have already forgotten.), I started an LJ entry with the subject "I hate James Patterson."
Here is the reasoning. It is a Tale From The Bookstore.
Minion L: I was looking for you!
Kait: I was here.
Minion L: I asked Coworker D where you were and she said, "The last I saw her, she was wandering away from receiving muttering something about James Patterson."
Kait: Oh god. Fuck James Patterson. We got like, eighty copies of that fucking Witch and Wizard book.
Minion L: I heard! Because then I went into receiving and saw all the books left on the cart and asked ReceivingManger if you left them there on purpose. And he said, "Yeah, she was muttering something about how much she hates James Patterson and the shelf being full."
Kait: I fucking hate James Patterson.
Minion L: Yeah, I got that. You know, everyone is going to think you're crazy.
Kait: Everyone already knows I'm crazy, Minion L.
Although, I hold that it is not at all crazy to hate motherfucking James Patterson.
***
Okay, bed time for Kaity. Tomorrow I need to finish my Christmas shopping, wrap, WRITE, and decorate the tree. (HAHAHA WE STILL HAVEN'T DONE THAT WE FAIL AT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.)
Also, work from 8-4. Fuck me.
No, I don't know what's wrong with me, either.
***
Oh my gosh, internet, I have gained so many new LJ friends in the past few weeks. I'm gonna be honest, it's a little crazypants, especially because I am hella boring. (Oh, this is a note to myself to remind me to seek out some of you guys on Twitter tomorrow, when I am not crazy from sleep deprivation + Bookstore.)
Anyway, as a little update for all you ~*new people*~ (and to put the rest of this entry in something resembling context), I am the Children's Department Overlord at The Bookstore. (I have a liberal arts degree. In a shitty economy, this is what we liberal arts degree people DO.) It's really not very different than being a Children's Department Minion at The Bookstore, except, in theory, I can order people around. In actuality, I do pretty much everything myself. It is more efficient that way, okay? I know where everything goes, mostly off the top of my head.
So, whatever, it is the day before Christmas, so let's talk about some books that I have read lately. One that is AWESOME and one that is HILARIOUSLY BAD.
First, the awesome one:
The Brixton Brothers #1: The Case of the Case of Mistaken Identity
By Mac Barnett with illustrations by Adam Rex
Guys, when I heard that Mac Barnett was writing a Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew/et cetera parody and that Adam Rex was illustrating it, I pretty much decided that there was no way it could live up to my RIDICULOUSLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS.
AND THEN IT DID.
Mac Barnett wrote Billy Twitters and His Blue Whale Problem and Guess Again! both of which are awesome and the latter of which is one of my favorite comedic picture books of 2009. (Adam Rex illustrated both of those as well.) I am pretty much at the point where I will read anything he writes. But this book is one that I will also recommend to everyone I see. I ALREADY HAVE. Within a day of reading it, I sold all three copies we had and shortlisted five more.
Steve Brixton is obsessed with the Bailey Brothers Mysteries. He's read them all multiple times. He carries around The Bailey Brothers' Detective Handbook. He wants to be a detective--until he finds out he already IS on. Guys, there is mistaken identity, a million in-jokes to readers of Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys, lots of anachronistic slang, incredibly sharp humor, secret agent librarians, and a reveal worthy of a Scooby Doo episode. I want to read this book ten more times, immediately. I know that a lot of people on my flist will appreciate the fact that the librarians are super badass. I know a few other people on my flist enjoy old mystery series. AND YOU SHOULD ALL ENJOY HUMOR. SERIOUSLY. Oh man, there are so many laugh out loud parts--Steven dressing as a sailor to go undercover at a bar by the docks, Steve solving like, eighteen mysteries without trying, the note that Steve leaves for his mom when he's on the run from the police, the lists of possible suspects that he makes in his detective notebook, and the amazing poking fun at the Hardy Boys and their ilk.
It was pretty much awesome, guys. I am SO GLAD it is the first in a series, because I am already dying to read all the rest.
And now, the super shitty book:
The Christmas Sweater
by Glenn Beck
Okay, first of all, I know you're all saying, "Why did you even bother to read Glenn Beck's stupid book?"
I'll tell you why, internet. It's because we had eight million copies of it and it was selling like mad and I needed to know why.
I still don't know why, dudes.
The book starts with our protagonist, whose name I didn't even bother to remember, wishing that he'll get the shiny red bike he wants so very badly for Christmas. His grandfather, who looks and dresses suspiciously like Santa Claus (a fact that is pointed out in the text), comes in and tells him that the BEST gift he could get for Christmas is a Christmas sweater. The kid asks why, and GrandSanta says that a Christmas sweater is full of memories while a bike is just, you know, useful.
Kid goes to sleep and promptly dreams of finding a Christmas sweater and putting it on. While in the Christmas sweater, he has a wonderful time sledding with Dad, baking with Mom, and delivering toys in Grandpa's sleigh? Even though it's previously established that Grandpa ISN'T Santa, he just looks like him? IDEK, to be honest, I wasn't paying much attention at that point.
He wakes up and goes downstairs where his family is waiting for him to start Christmas. There's a shiny red bike in front of the tree! Kid just stares at it. His dad assures him it's real and it's his, but Kid doesn't care. Then, Mom presents him with his Christmas sweater, and he FINALLY understands the love and meaning of Christmas. Or something.
Because, remember guys, it is much better to have an ugly sweater you can only wear--at most--for three weeks out of the year than it is to have a bike, which is really useful and can be played with all year and for years to come.
All I can figure is that Glenn Beck was trying to capitalize on the shitty economy. "People can buy my $17 book to show their kids that presents don't matter, it's all about COMPANIONSHIP and ugly sweaters!"
***
So, apparently, in my baking-induced stupor last night (I made three batches of cookies, one batch of cupcakes, frosting from scratch, hot chocolate on a stick, and... something else that I have already forgotten.), I started an LJ entry with the subject "I hate James Patterson."
Here is the reasoning. It is a Tale From The Bookstore.
Minion L: I was looking for you!
Kait: I was here.
Minion L: I asked Coworker D where you were and she said, "The last I saw her, she was wandering away from receiving muttering something about James Patterson."
Kait: Oh god. Fuck James Patterson. We got like, eighty copies of that fucking Witch and Wizard book.
Minion L: I heard! Because then I went into receiving and saw all the books left on the cart and asked ReceivingManger if you left them there on purpose. And he said, "Yeah, she was muttering something about how much she hates James Patterson and the shelf being full."
Kait: I fucking hate James Patterson.
Minion L: Yeah, I got that. You know, everyone is going to think you're crazy.
Kait: Everyone already knows I'm crazy, Minion L.
Although, I hold that it is not at all crazy to hate motherfucking James Patterson.
***
Okay, bed time for Kaity. Tomorrow I need to finish my Christmas shopping, wrap, WRITE, and decorate the tree. (HAHAHA WE STILL HAVEN'T DONE THAT WE FAIL AT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.)
Also, work from 8-4. Fuck me.