[advent 08] december eleven
So, instead of using the two days "off" to get ahead at Advent or work on yuletide, or even pump out another few thousand words of my novel, I have mostly slept and gone to work and slept and gone back to work.
WORK SUCKS, GUYS. Just, fyi.
Um, I don't know. This is right after Danny and Alan meet again. It kind of ends in a crazy clusterfuck of miscommunication. Alan is sick, Dan hid the fact that Danny was coming back from Alan, so it was an unpleasant surprise. There was yelling and freaking out and it ended with Doug sending Danny and Dan away and ordering Alan into bed. This is the next morning, where Alan is resolving to try and fix the mess of his life.
***
advent - day eleven
original - in which alan freaks out and danny is there again, yay!
***
He managed to finally fall asleep around two am, after spending most of the afternoon and all evening in bed. He almost expected to sleep restlessly, but some combination of fever, mediation, and exhaustion knocked him out for ten hours straight. He woke up groggy and disoriented, but hungry and with no lasting symptoms from the illness the day before.
Of course, that meant he had all available brain power to focus on what he was going to do about the men in his life.
Men. Plural. He almost wanted to call up the guy who dumped him in high school for being too scrawny to pull anyone attractive just to brag.
What he really wanted to do, though, was talk it all out with someone, or rather, for someone to tell him what to do. It was time to make hard decisions and that had never been his forte. Danny used to constantly chastise him for his inability to decide where they were having dinner or what they were doing on vacation and Alan felt the same way now as he did then. At least if someone else was making the decision, he could hide from the repercussions.
That was an immature way to look at the situation, but he couldn't help it. It was easier then facing the facts.
Fact one: He knew his relationship with Dan wasn't going anywhere. He'd known it from the state. But Dan was fun, and for all their fighting, he'd never hurt Alan the way Danny Stevens had. Of course, that was because Alan had never cared about Dan the way he cared about Danny Stevens, but still.
Fact two: As much as it embarrassed him, upset him, and frustrated him to admit it, he was still in love with Danny Stevens. He probably always would be. Aside from their break-up, even the most intense of their fights during the six and a half year span of their relationship hadn't lasted more then a day or so. There wasn't anything about Danny that Alan despised, save for the way Danny had treated him.
Fact three: Danny broke his heart. He destroyed the trust and love and fidelity that had existed between them for over six years and there was no guarantee he wouldn't do it again.
Alan's head was starting to hurt again, though he had a feeling that this time it had nothing to do with lingering illness. He had things that he needed to address, and he had a feeling that his usual method of hiding out until they went away was not going to work this time. He needed to talk to Dan and he needed to talk to Danny and, at the moment, one of those things was more feasible than the other, if only because he had a key to Dan's house.
He took a long hot shower in which he plotted out what he was going to say. He tried different variations based on different responses that he figured he'd get, and by the time he was drying himself off, he had planned for all contingencies that he could think of, including the one where Dan threw him out of the house bodily.
He dressed with a purpose. He wasn't going to let himself stay passive in his own life anymore. Dan had violated his privacy and tried to commandeer his relationship with Danny and that deserved consequences. He buttoned his coat, put on his hat, and strode outside feeling driven and single-minded.
All of that left him, however, when he saw Danny Stevens in the parking lot.
"Shit," he said out loud. So much for resolve.
"You're here," Danny said. He looked surprised and his fingers tightened around the envelope in his hand.
"I... live here," Alan said, wincing at the inanity of the comment.
"I know," Danny said. They were standing maybe ten feet apart. Danny was next to a car that Alan had to assume was his. Alan was in front of the door to his building. "I just assumed you'd be at your--at his place or still sick in bed."
"Feeling better," Alan said. He didn't move. To be honest, he didn't know what he would do if he did move. He thought he knew Danny inside and out, but this was a Danny that he didn't know. This was Danny on new terms, and Alan wasn't sure he could figure out how to react to this Danny until he figured out what those new terms were.
"Good," Danny said, and some of the awkwardness melted away, replaced by relief. "I was worried. You looked--Jesus, you looked horrible. I was--I was worried."
"You said that," Alan said.
Silence stretched between them. Danny looked torn between retreating to give Alan puppy dog eyes from behind his car and launching himself forward into some kind of tackling hug. He settled for staying where he was, leaving Alan little choice but to do the same.
"I just... I wanted to give this to you," Danny finally said, holding up the envelope. "I know you didn't--don't want to see me and I know that your friend told me to get out, but since you can't trust a phone message, I thought I'd just..." He held it out for Alan to take, daring him to cross the ten feet between them to retrieve it. When he hesitated, Danny added, almost desperately, "it's just a note and my phone number. That's all. Just a note."
Alan took a tentative step forward, just enough to reach out and grab the envelope.
"Thanks," he said quietly.
"Look," Danny said. "I just want to say one thing--no, I just want to say two things, okay? That's all. And then I'll be quiet."
Alan found himself nodding automatically.
"Okay," Danny said. "First... I'm sorry that I scared you by just showing up, but I thought it was the only way to get in touch with you. I've been calling since January and there was no response, not even a fuck off, so I thought that maybe if I saw you in person we could talk, or you could at least tell me to go fuck myself and I'd have my answer. Because I do think we need to talk." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "We never talked about it when it was happening because I was a coward and an idiot and a jackass. I thought by ignoring it I could pretend it wasn't happening and... I've just been an absolute wreck since the day I left. If nothing else comes of it, I think we need to, at least, put our demons to rest."
"I... I agree," Alan said. He was surprised his voice worked. He could feel a lump gathering in his throat just from listening to Danny talk for the first time in so long. "What's the... um, you said there was a second thing."
"There is," Danny said. He took another breath and opened his eyes. "I love you, and I want you back."
Alan stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Anyway," Danny said. "Um, I have to go. I'm staying at the bed and breakfast in town, just for the weekend. And my number is in the note. And. I really hope. I mean, I really, really hope I'll hear from you soon." He started backing away slowly, until he was climbing back into his car. With a sad wave, he backed up and pulled out onto the road.
Alan stared after him until the sound of the motor faded into nothing. He sat down on the curb, hard.
Of course, things could never be simple.
He sat until he started to feel the cold again, a sudden reminder that he was sitting on the ground in the snow, yesterday's spring-like temperatures not quite enough to get rid of all of it. He stood up and shook himself, brushing snow and dirt off of his pants and trying to remember his initial purpose, trying to regain the sudden zeal that had driven him outside in the first place. He still needed to go and talk to Dan, but he hesitated, glancing down at the envelope he now held in his hand. Would it be better to read Danny's note first, or would that just distract him further? He needed to get this over with. One way or another, he needed to sort his life out before it started to effect his work.
WORK SUCKS, GUYS. Just, fyi.
Um, I don't know. This is right after Danny and Alan meet again. It kind of ends in a crazy clusterfuck of miscommunication. Alan is sick, Dan hid the fact that Danny was coming back from Alan, so it was an unpleasant surprise. There was yelling and freaking out and it ended with Doug sending Danny and Dan away and ordering Alan into bed. This is the next morning, where Alan is resolving to try and fix the mess of his life.
***
advent - day eleven
original - in which alan freaks out and danny is there again, yay!
***
He managed to finally fall asleep around two am, after spending most of the afternoon and all evening in bed. He almost expected to sleep restlessly, but some combination of fever, mediation, and exhaustion knocked him out for ten hours straight. He woke up groggy and disoriented, but hungry and with no lasting symptoms from the illness the day before.
Of course, that meant he had all available brain power to focus on what he was going to do about the men in his life.
Men. Plural. He almost wanted to call up the guy who dumped him in high school for being too scrawny to pull anyone attractive just to brag.
What he really wanted to do, though, was talk it all out with someone, or rather, for someone to tell him what to do. It was time to make hard decisions and that had never been his forte. Danny used to constantly chastise him for his inability to decide where they were having dinner or what they were doing on vacation and Alan felt the same way now as he did then. At least if someone else was making the decision, he could hide from the repercussions.
That was an immature way to look at the situation, but he couldn't help it. It was easier then facing the facts.
Fact one: He knew his relationship with Dan wasn't going anywhere. He'd known it from the state. But Dan was fun, and for all their fighting, he'd never hurt Alan the way Danny Stevens had. Of course, that was because Alan had never cared about Dan the way he cared about Danny Stevens, but still.
Fact two: As much as it embarrassed him, upset him, and frustrated him to admit it, he was still in love with Danny Stevens. He probably always would be. Aside from their break-up, even the most intense of their fights during the six and a half year span of their relationship hadn't lasted more then a day or so. There wasn't anything about Danny that Alan despised, save for the way Danny had treated him.
Fact three: Danny broke his heart. He destroyed the trust and love and fidelity that had existed between them for over six years and there was no guarantee he wouldn't do it again.
Alan's head was starting to hurt again, though he had a feeling that this time it had nothing to do with lingering illness. He had things that he needed to address, and he had a feeling that his usual method of hiding out until they went away was not going to work this time. He needed to talk to Dan and he needed to talk to Danny and, at the moment, one of those things was more feasible than the other, if only because he had a key to Dan's house.
He took a long hot shower in which he plotted out what he was going to say. He tried different variations based on different responses that he figured he'd get, and by the time he was drying himself off, he had planned for all contingencies that he could think of, including the one where Dan threw him out of the house bodily.
He dressed with a purpose. He wasn't going to let himself stay passive in his own life anymore. Dan had violated his privacy and tried to commandeer his relationship with Danny and that deserved consequences. He buttoned his coat, put on his hat, and strode outside feeling driven and single-minded.
All of that left him, however, when he saw Danny Stevens in the parking lot.
"Shit," he said out loud. So much for resolve.
"You're here," Danny said. He looked surprised and his fingers tightened around the envelope in his hand.
"I... live here," Alan said, wincing at the inanity of the comment.
"I know," Danny said. They were standing maybe ten feet apart. Danny was next to a car that Alan had to assume was his. Alan was in front of the door to his building. "I just assumed you'd be at your--at his place or still sick in bed."
"Feeling better," Alan said. He didn't move. To be honest, he didn't know what he would do if he did move. He thought he knew Danny inside and out, but this was a Danny that he didn't know. This was Danny on new terms, and Alan wasn't sure he could figure out how to react to this Danny until he figured out what those new terms were.
"Good," Danny said, and some of the awkwardness melted away, replaced by relief. "I was worried. You looked--Jesus, you looked horrible. I was--I was worried."
"You said that," Alan said.
Silence stretched between them. Danny looked torn between retreating to give Alan puppy dog eyes from behind his car and launching himself forward into some kind of tackling hug. He settled for staying where he was, leaving Alan little choice but to do the same.
"I just... I wanted to give this to you," Danny finally said, holding up the envelope. "I know you didn't--don't want to see me and I know that your friend told me to get out, but since you can't trust a phone message, I thought I'd just..." He held it out for Alan to take, daring him to cross the ten feet between them to retrieve it. When he hesitated, Danny added, almost desperately, "it's just a note and my phone number. That's all. Just a note."
Alan took a tentative step forward, just enough to reach out and grab the envelope.
"Thanks," he said quietly.
"Look," Danny said. "I just want to say one thing--no, I just want to say two things, okay? That's all. And then I'll be quiet."
Alan found himself nodding automatically.
"Okay," Danny said. "First... I'm sorry that I scared you by just showing up, but I thought it was the only way to get in touch with you. I've been calling since January and there was no response, not even a fuck off, so I thought that maybe if I saw you in person we could talk, or you could at least tell me to go fuck myself and I'd have my answer. Because I do think we need to talk." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "We never talked about it when it was happening because I was a coward and an idiot and a jackass. I thought by ignoring it I could pretend it wasn't happening and... I've just been an absolute wreck since the day I left. If nothing else comes of it, I think we need to, at least, put our demons to rest."
"I... I agree," Alan said. He was surprised his voice worked. He could feel a lump gathering in his throat just from listening to Danny talk for the first time in so long. "What's the... um, you said there was a second thing."
"There is," Danny said. He took another breath and opened his eyes. "I love you, and I want you back."
Alan stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Anyway," Danny said. "Um, I have to go. I'm staying at the bed and breakfast in town, just for the weekend. And my number is in the note. And. I really hope. I mean, I really, really hope I'll hear from you soon." He started backing away slowly, until he was climbing back into his car. With a sad wave, he backed up and pulled out onto the road.
Alan stared after him until the sound of the motor faded into nothing. He sat down on the curb, hard.
Of course, things could never be simple.
He sat until he started to feel the cold again, a sudden reminder that he was sitting on the ground in the snow, yesterday's spring-like temperatures not quite enough to get rid of all of it. He stood up and shook himself, brushing snow and dirt off of his pants and trying to remember his initial purpose, trying to regain the sudden zeal that had driven him outside in the first place. He still needed to go and talk to Dan, but he hesitated, glancing down at the envelope he now held in his hand. Would it be better to read Danny's note first, or would that just distract him further? He needed to get this over with. One way or another, he needed to sort his life out before it started to effect his work.