billboards and all manner of things
i. billboards
My favourite billboard is gone. And there's a reason it's my favourite, a reason it was my favourite, that maybe won't transfer into text well, but I'll try.
Driving into Manhattan, via the Lincoln Tunnel, you pass a huge billboard for... some kind of watch. Tiger Woods is on it, chin resting on his fist so he can show off his shiny new watch. On the other side of that billboard is another. This one is my favourite. Was my favourite. Damn. It is also a billboard for a watch company. There is, on one half of it, a large picture of a watch. On the other half of it is Derek Jeter's head.
Derek Jeter can sell watches without actually wearing them. Jeter's mere proximity to the watch will make people buy it, apparently.
It always put a smile on my face, and I probably could have used it this afternoon, so it's a good thing I was napping when I entered the city. I didn't notice it was missing until my ride home.
It must be billboard changing time or something, too, because my other favourite billboard was different. This one is actually inside the city, right in Times Square. It used to be a billboard for YKK zippers. This amused me for one major reason, and that is that I used to be obsessed with zipper-makers when I was younger. My brother and I used to look at each of the zippers on our coats and pants to see which company made them. YKK was my favourite. When I first saw that billboard, my jaw almost hit the sidewalk, I was so ecstatically shocked. I almost want to write them a letter.
Now it a billboard for I am America! (And So Can You!).
ii. coming out
So the play I saw, Kate Hewlett's play, was about lesbians, among other things. But to back up a little, after my job interview, I went to a Barnes and Noble to get something to drink. I know, I know, you would think I'd want to be as far away as possible. But I get 50% off stuff in the cafe, which meant I got a bottle of water and a chai tea latte for three dollars, including tax. So.
Anyway, while I was there, I picked up the only David Levithan book they had that I hadn't read. It was actually an anthology of coming out stories written by queer authors, and I read it anyway. It kind of made me start to think back to my own coming out.
I always complain (to this day), that I don't like the fact that all the queer YA novels I read when I was a kid ended in shunning and heartbreak. That wasn't my queer teen experience. My family accepts my gayness. I didn't lose any friends. I didn't even get teased overly much. I feel like, because of that, I can't relate to a lot of coming out stories.
But... in a way, thinking about it now, I sort of can. Because, in the end, it's not about the results, it's about that stomach-churning, nerve-wracking moment when you're not sure how someone will react. About the joy of shedding the closet. So I started to think about my youth and... I'm still thinking about it, I guess.
When I was in elementary school, one of the major things I remember is never having a crush. All the girls I hung out with (most of whom didn't go to my school) had crushes on the boys in their classes. I never did. I remember pulling names out of my ass when they asked me about it, thinking of which boys were nice or quiet and choosing a name at random. I didn't feel particularly attracted to any of these boys. They didn't make me feel silly or breathless or any of the things I felt about the female crushes I had later. But even then I kind of realized something was wrong, that I should have been liking one of those boys for real, not just as a name to provide my friends so I could fit in.
My first "real" girlfriend was poeticpathetic, who I don't think uses her LJ much anymore. I put real in quotes not to belittle the emotions our fifteen-year-old-selves went through, but because I can hardly tell what counts as a real relationship. I haven't been in one since high school up until recently, mostly because I can handle sex in a way that I could never deal with relationships. I say "recently," but I don't even know if I'm in one now. I've spent the past few weeks trying to parse it out in a way that makes sense to me, which is hilarious considering that I'm a total social dunce. I don't know if I should feel slighted and rebuffed, or if I'm just being overly sensitive and paranoid and crazy. I don't think I'll ever know what defines a relationship, and thus the quotes.
Anyway.
The problem is, I can't remember if there was a defining moment to me. I remember all sorts of things about the beginning of that relationship, of the flirtation between Madison and myself, all done in an awkward, teenaged way over AOL IMs. I remember things from my youth that now strike me as so incredibly gay I can't help but laugh over it. I remember that everyone told me, after I finally came out, that they weren't surprised. I don't remember, however, the moment when it really struck me that, oh yeah, I like girls.
I've been thinking about it all night. I have very clear memories of IMing Madison, of trying to figure out how to subtly tell her that I was queer and broadcast that I was interested. Nothing will ever be the same as that first awkward queer flirtation, for anyone, I think. Now that I'm in my twenties and out to everyone and have no problem talking about it, flirtation with women is hard for different reasons, but there's a nail-bitting, nervous sense of dread when you're doing it for the first time. How do I work into a conversation that I'm bi (a designation that I started out with, at fifteen, because I was hypocritically afraid to be more than just a little different from everyone else)? If I just come out and say it, she'll know I'm saying it because I like her!
It worked out in the end, obviously, and even if the relationship was doomed, as many romances between fifteen-year-olds in different states are, I still look back on it from time to time and roll my eyes at my little melodramatic teenage self. And I also remember something Madison said to me, either when we were breaking up or afterwards, when we reconnected. She said... god, I'm paraphrasing a little here, so forgive me if I get it a little wrong, but she said that one of the reasons she had to break up with me was because, at fifteen, I seemed so sure of my sexuality it was a little intimidating.
And I kind of went, "huh."
And I still kind of go, "Huh."
It never occurred to me that there are people who aren't as sure. And maybe that's because I come from a liberal, open, supportive family, but once I acknowledged that I liked girls, I never fought it. It was just who I was, and I was cool with that. Guys were jerks anyway, you know?
iii. humans anonymous
I'm going to make a separate post about this because I want to link it on the Kate LJ community and don't want them to have to scroll through my thoughts on gayness, but the play was marvelous. I cannot praise this show enough. It was adorable and funny and just... it was heart-breaking. I cried like a baby through parts of it (see above, re: over-sensitivity, paranoia, feeling slighted) because I couldn't help but relate to one of the characters (Jenny) at times, and I laughed my ass off more than once. It was a treat. The performers were all top-notch and I'm seriously considering going again this weekend. I have quite a few days off, and sitting around the house the past few days has mostly led to me being weepy and lonely, so it will be good to see people. Perhaps I will have someone to go with this time as well!
I also spoke with Kate afterwards, and she's an utter doll. Ihavesuchacrushonher. Not even kidding, guys. I gave her one of the plastic dinosaurs I carry in my purse and managed not to make an ass out of myself, I think.
***
Anyway. I have a killer headache and have to work tomorrow. My availability on teh internets will be sporadic over the next few days, depending on whether or not I have to pick up Brendan from UConn. For now, if you are interested in seeing Katy, Scott, and Scott on Friday night or Humans Anonymous on Saturday or Sunday night, text me (number here!) or leave a comment here and I'll try to get to it.
(Also, if you've actually read this far and still care and are on AIM and will allow me to be TOTALLY SELFISH for a minute and unload what's on my mind on you (most of it will be whining and complaining), let me know? I am kind of at a loss at the moment, as my virtual therapist is drunk again.)
My favourite billboard is gone. And there's a reason it's my favourite, a reason it was my favourite, that maybe won't transfer into text well, but I'll try.
Driving into Manhattan, via the Lincoln Tunnel, you pass a huge billboard for... some kind of watch. Tiger Woods is on it, chin resting on his fist so he can show off his shiny new watch. On the other side of that billboard is another. This one is my favourite. Was my favourite. Damn. It is also a billboard for a watch company. There is, on one half of it, a large picture of a watch. On the other half of it is Derek Jeter's head.
Derek Jeter can sell watches without actually wearing them. Jeter's mere proximity to the watch will make people buy it, apparently.
It always put a smile on my face, and I probably could have used it this afternoon, so it's a good thing I was napping when I entered the city. I didn't notice it was missing until my ride home.
It must be billboard changing time or something, too, because my other favourite billboard was different. This one is actually inside the city, right in Times Square. It used to be a billboard for YKK zippers. This amused me for one major reason, and that is that I used to be obsessed with zipper-makers when I was younger. My brother and I used to look at each of the zippers on our coats and pants to see which company made them. YKK was my favourite. When I first saw that billboard, my jaw almost hit the sidewalk, I was so ecstatically shocked. I almost want to write them a letter.
Now it a billboard for I am America! (And So Can You!).
ii. coming out
So the play I saw, Kate Hewlett's play, was about lesbians, among other things. But to back up a little, after my job interview, I went to a Barnes and Noble to get something to drink. I know, I know, you would think I'd want to be as far away as possible. But I get 50% off stuff in the cafe, which meant I got a bottle of water and a chai tea latte for three dollars, including tax. So.
Anyway, while I was there, I picked up the only David Levithan book they had that I hadn't read. It was actually an anthology of coming out stories written by queer authors, and I read it anyway. It kind of made me start to think back to my own coming out.
I always complain (to this day), that I don't like the fact that all the queer YA novels I read when I was a kid ended in shunning and heartbreak. That wasn't my queer teen experience. My family accepts my gayness. I didn't lose any friends. I didn't even get teased overly much. I feel like, because of that, I can't relate to a lot of coming out stories.
But... in a way, thinking about it now, I sort of can. Because, in the end, it's not about the results, it's about that stomach-churning, nerve-wracking moment when you're not sure how someone will react. About the joy of shedding the closet. So I started to think about my youth and... I'm still thinking about it, I guess.
When I was in elementary school, one of the major things I remember is never having a crush. All the girls I hung out with (most of whom didn't go to my school) had crushes on the boys in their classes. I never did. I remember pulling names out of my ass when they asked me about it, thinking of which boys were nice or quiet and choosing a name at random. I didn't feel particularly attracted to any of these boys. They didn't make me feel silly or breathless or any of the things I felt about the female crushes I had later. But even then I kind of realized something was wrong, that I should have been liking one of those boys for real, not just as a name to provide my friends so I could fit in.
My first "real" girlfriend was poeticpathetic, who I don't think uses her LJ much anymore. I put real in quotes not to belittle the emotions our fifteen-year-old-selves went through, but because I can hardly tell what counts as a real relationship. I haven't been in one since high school up until recently, mostly because I can handle sex in a way that I could never deal with relationships. I say "recently," but I don't even know if I'm in one now. I've spent the past few weeks trying to parse it out in a way that makes sense to me, which is hilarious considering that I'm a total social dunce. I don't know if I should feel slighted and rebuffed, or if I'm just being overly sensitive and paranoid and crazy. I don't think I'll ever know what defines a relationship, and thus the quotes.
Anyway.
The problem is, I can't remember if there was a defining moment to me. I remember all sorts of things about the beginning of that relationship, of the flirtation between Madison and myself, all done in an awkward, teenaged way over AOL IMs. I remember things from my youth that now strike me as so incredibly gay I can't help but laugh over it. I remember that everyone told me, after I finally came out, that they weren't surprised. I don't remember, however, the moment when it really struck me that, oh yeah, I like girls.
I've been thinking about it all night. I have very clear memories of IMing Madison, of trying to figure out how to subtly tell her that I was queer and broadcast that I was interested. Nothing will ever be the same as that first awkward queer flirtation, for anyone, I think. Now that I'm in my twenties and out to everyone and have no problem talking about it, flirtation with women is hard for different reasons, but there's a nail-bitting, nervous sense of dread when you're doing it for the first time. How do I work into a conversation that I'm bi (a designation that I started out with, at fifteen, because I was hypocritically afraid to be more than just a little different from everyone else)? If I just come out and say it, she'll know I'm saying it because I like her!
It worked out in the end, obviously, and even if the relationship was doomed, as many romances between fifteen-year-olds in different states are, I still look back on it from time to time and roll my eyes at my little melodramatic teenage self. And I also remember something Madison said to me, either when we were breaking up or afterwards, when we reconnected. She said... god, I'm paraphrasing a little here, so forgive me if I get it a little wrong, but she said that one of the reasons she had to break up with me was because, at fifteen, I seemed so sure of my sexuality it was a little intimidating.
And I kind of went, "huh."
And I still kind of go, "Huh."
It never occurred to me that there are people who aren't as sure. And maybe that's because I come from a liberal, open, supportive family, but once I acknowledged that I liked girls, I never fought it. It was just who I was, and I was cool with that. Guys were jerks anyway, you know?
iii. humans anonymous
I'm going to make a separate post about this because I want to link it on the Kate LJ community and don't want them to have to scroll through my thoughts on gayness, but the play was marvelous. I cannot praise this show enough. It was adorable and funny and just... it was heart-breaking. I cried like a baby through parts of it (see above, re: over-sensitivity, paranoia, feeling slighted) because I couldn't help but relate to one of the characters (Jenny) at times, and I laughed my ass off more than once. It was a treat. The performers were all top-notch and I'm seriously considering going again this weekend. I have quite a few days off, and sitting around the house the past few days has mostly led to me being weepy and lonely, so it will be good to see people. Perhaps I will have someone to go with this time as well!
I also spoke with Kate afterwards, and she's an utter doll. Ihavesuchacrushonher. Not even kidding, guys. I gave her one of the plastic dinosaurs I carry in my purse and managed not to make an ass out of myself, I think.
***
Anyway. I have a killer headache and have to work tomorrow. My availability on teh internets will be sporadic over the next few days, depending on whether or not I have to pick up Brendan from UConn. For now, if you are interested in seeing Katy, Scott, and Scott on Friday night or Humans Anonymous on Saturday or Sunday night, text me (number here!) or leave a comment here and I'll try to get to it.
(Also, if you've actually read this far and still care and are on AIM and will allow me to be TOTALLY SELFISH for a minute and unload what's on my mind on you (most of it will be whining and complaining), let me know? I am kind of at a loss at the moment, as my virtual therapist is drunk again.)