Futile apologies
Due to my recklessness at trying to reconcile with a friend, I may have lost them forever. How I feel doesn't matter anymore, I think about myself too much and not enough about others. I can't imagine what I've done to her. I can't apologize enough. I don't know how to pay her back. I don't know what I can possibly do right now.
I don't think there's anything I can do but live with my mistakes and carry on with my life.
I don't need anyone's consolation or pity. I deserve to be chastised for my actions.
The worst part of this situation is that I don't know for certain what exactly it was that I did wrong in the first place. Knowing the problem wouldn't alleviate any sort of guilt, nor would it help what has happened between me and my friend, but at the very least it would prevent me from doing the same thing to another friend in the future.
Despite the fact that she never wants to talk to me again, I want her to know that I want to fix things between us because I really don't want to lose her. She means too much to me to simply let it end like this.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I'm stupid, selfish and insensitive. I don't deserve to be friends with you but please don't condemn me like this. I really don't want to lose you.
Please.
Addendum
So apparently it wasn't as serious as I was led to believe and things might be okay again in a few days, but the experience has still made me realize that I'm not a 'good' person. I don't retract any of the statements that I made earlier in that I am stupid, selfish and insensitive. The only time I change myself for the better is when I mess up so bad that it hurts and I never want to go through that same pain again.
Last night, I dreamt I was on a random grassy field somewhere with some friends including her. She said something to me and as soon as I realized that, I started to apologize profusely to her. She told me to forget it, said that it was all okay and gave me a hug. There was a surge of relief about everything and I felt as if I could continue with my life.
When I woke up, I cried.
I've never felt so guilty about anything in my life. At least this marks another change in my life for the better.
I don't think there's anything I can do but live with my mistakes and carry on with my life.
I don't need anyone's consolation or pity. I deserve to be chastised for my actions.
The worst part of this situation is that I don't know for certain what exactly it was that I did wrong in the first place. Knowing the problem wouldn't alleviate any sort of guilt, nor would it help what has happened between me and my friend, but at the very least it would prevent me from doing the same thing to another friend in the future.
Despite the fact that she never wants to talk to me again, I want her to know that I want to fix things between us because I really don't want to lose her. She means too much to me to simply let it end like this.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I'm stupid, selfish and insensitive. I don't deserve to be friends with you but please don't condemn me like this. I really don't want to lose you.
Please.
Addendum
So apparently it wasn't as serious as I was led to believe and things might be okay again in a few days, but the experience has still made me realize that I'm not a 'good' person. I don't retract any of the statements that I made earlier in that I am stupid, selfish and insensitive. The only time I change myself for the better is when I mess up so bad that it hurts and I never want to go through that same pain again.
Last night, I dreamt I was on a random grassy field somewhere with some friends including her. She said something to me and as soon as I realized that, I started to apologize profusely to her. She told me to forget it, said that it was all okay and gave me a hug. There was a surge of relief about everything and I felt as if I could continue with my life.
When I woke up, I cried.
I've never felt so guilty about anything in my life. At least this marks another change in my life for the better.