the purple light of a summer night in Spain
Progress. A new step forward.
For a long time I've been sick and tired of the fact that when I go out, it's usually in Androgynous Mode. When the average person looks at me, adds up my various characteristics and divides by gender, the result comes out MALE. Crappy though it is, there are reasons why it's been difficult to leave the house any other way.
My courage and self-confidence have been getting better, thankfully. And I've finally started tackling one of the other biggest stumbling blocks. Clothing!
My femme-y clothes, the ones that survived the chaos of my last manic episode, all fit me fine when I got them. Trouble is, I'm 60 pounds heavier now. (The combined effects of depression and Lithium.) As is the nature of most femme-y clothes, they're not very forgiving of weight gain. And if I get new clothes that fit me the way I am, then they won't fit me once I get back to my regular weight. At least, that was my excuse for putting it off. Saying I couldn't do anything until I'd slimmed down, knowing that would take a long time.
At last it hit me. There are some nice-looking garments out there which can hang well on a range of body sizes. Stuff I can wear now and keep on wearing. To start, I looked at the monotonous baggy T-shirts I've been hiding behind, thought about what I'd like to replace them with, and sat down to search the internet for attractive tunic tops. As femme as the day is long. I found two I liked, carefully sized them, and ordered them. And today, as it turns out, they got here.
Now I'm getting my head around the idea of going into all the different public places out there wearing these. One of these tops, a burgundy caftan tunic, will be the easier adjustment. It has a slit neckline that drops rather low, but that's no big deal. I'll make sure everything directly under it is in good order. On the other hand, I've got this new coffee-brown embroidered smock with an expansive square neckline and (the website didn't say this) an elasticized bodice. Meaning that it hugs my breasts. Meaning that, small as they are, it's hard to miss them.
Well? Wasn't that what I wanted? I'm so tired of the way that every other top I've worn just tents out over my big belly so my breasts disappear. This is different! This is what I want! I look sort of like I'm pregnant, but I can live with that. Still, I do have to make a certain mental adjustment, knowing I'm going to be wearing this to restaurants and theatres and the Behavioral Health Center waiting room and (gulp) Safeway.
There's plenty more to get together before I've got an ensemble, but this is a big step. I feel less like I'm trapped in a pit...
...and more like I can step outside into my real life.
For a long time I've been sick and tired of the fact that when I go out, it's usually in Androgynous Mode. When the average person looks at me, adds up my various characteristics and divides by gender, the result comes out MALE. Crappy though it is, there are reasons why it's been difficult to leave the house any other way.
My courage and self-confidence have been getting better, thankfully. And I've finally started tackling one of the other biggest stumbling blocks. Clothing!
My femme-y clothes, the ones that survived the chaos of my last manic episode, all fit me fine when I got them. Trouble is, I'm 60 pounds heavier now. (The combined effects of depression and Lithium.) As is the nature of most femme-y clothes, they're not very forgiving of weight gain. And if I get new clothes that fit me the way I am, then they won't fit me once I get back to my regular weight. At least, that was my excuse for putting it off. Saying I couldn't do anything until I'd slimmed down, knowing that would take a long time.
At last it hit me. There are some nice-looking garments out there which can hang well on a range of body sizes. Stuff I can wear now and keep on wearing. To start, I looked at the monotonous baggy T-shirts I've been hiding behind, thought about what I'd like to replace them with, and sat down to search the internet for attractive tunic tops. As femme as the day is long. I found two I liked, carefully sized them, and ordered them. And today, as it turns out, they got here.
Now I'm getting my head around the idea of going into all the different public places out there wearing these. One of these tops, a burgundy caftan tunic, will be the easier adjustment. It has a slit neckline that drops rather low, but that's no big deal. I'll make sure everything directly under it is in good order. On the other hand, I've got this new coffee-brown embroidered smock with an expansive square neckline and (the website didn't say this) an elasticized bodice. Meaning that it hugs my breasts. Meaning that, small as they are, it's hard to miss them.
Well? Wasn't that what I wanted? I'm so tired of the way that every other top I've worn just tents out over my big belly so my breasts disappear. This is different! This is what I want! I look sort of like I'm pregnant, but I can live with that. Still, I do have to make a certain mental adjustment, knowing I'm going to be wearing this to restaurants and theatres and the Behavioral Health Center waiting room and (gulp) Safeway.
There's plenty more to get together before I've got an ensemble, but this is a big step. I feel less like I'm trapped in a pit...
...and more like I can step outside into my real life.