Artist's Limbo
It feels as though I've hit a bit of a brick wall creatively. I've been so stressed out with everything going on lately that I haven't really been putting 100% of myself into everything I do. I've been half-assing things a lot and yesterday it kind of bit me in the ass.
Yesterday was the Atwater Art Walk. Eric entered and won last year. I had planned on entering this year and I thought I'd missed the deadline until I received an email a couple of weeks ago mentioning that they were still accepting art. I didn't really take it too seriously and entered two photos that I had up at Pilates and Arts last year. The theme was "tell us your story" and I made up some BS about the photos being a part of a series reflecting the stages of life. I did this partly out of laziness, reading way too deep into the theme, and because I didn't really like the stories behind the photos which were basically just good timing and boredom. (no really). As opposed to Cannibal Flower and Pilates and Arts, the idea that I was being judged (there were competitions and winners were picked) made me feel horrible. I know people at other art shows judge, but their opinions mean nothing to me because there's no potential prize, there's no real competition. Knowing that my photos were being judged for a reason just killed me, especially knowing that I had better photos with better stories. It was kind of degrading for me, and I beat myself up about it mentally all night.
This morning, Tannis from Pilates and Arts emailed me letting me know she's having another exhibition this summer, the theme is "hot". I looked through my photos and didn't find one damn thing that could really represent "hot", so Eric suggested I create a photo in that theme.
Here's where I began to doubt myself. I know I'm a good event photographer, and I know I can capture a candid moment, but I genuinely have trouble creating a moment. I don't feel confident at creating art. This has been a problem for me in many creative veins: I could repeat what I hear on an instrument, but I can't create music; I can understand Spanish, but I can't speak it; I can trace then add shadows freehand, but I can't draw freehand. It's the same with photography: I can capture a moment, but I can't create it. My problem is usually that when I have an idea, I can't narrow it down or I narrow it down too much. When I do create a moment, I usually break it down and find everything wrong with it.
So I've decided to start a monthly exercise: I've written a number of simple adjectives on pieces of paper and put them in a box. Every month I'm going to take one of the adjectives at random and try to photograph the adjective, starting this month with "hot".