my life chapter 1
wow. i havent updated in a while but theres a reason for that. i was waiting for someone to comment but i havent talked to him in almost 2 weeks so i think i need to get out wat im feeling right now...
ug. i dont how to feel. i dont feel like anything. I dont know what to do!. I dont know!! I dont know if I hurt because of pain or what. I dont know what to do. I feel like im lost. I dont no who I am. what I like. I feel like a piece of goo just laying there. but I think most of all im scared. scared of thingy going wrong,things happening, people dying, death, leaving people behind, fights. I dont know what to do. but I feel like the only thing I do know is that im scared. I want to feel safe. I wanna disapear. play hide-and-go-seek but know one will ever find me. what do i do?
i wrote this the other day. i want to get ride of some of, as some ppl say, "baggage" but my baggage is different. its the kinda that u cant get ride of easily. its the kinda that hurts every time u talk about it, everytime u even thik about it. i wasnt abused as a kid or anything but my mind was. i can be around people yelling at eachother,getting yelled out, lightening, thunder, really loud noises. when i got on certain roller coasters or rides i have to cover my ears. im scared that something bad will happen. i have never told this to anyone before, but when i was a kid my parents would fight. most of my memories as a kid are my parents yelling at eachother or bad things happening to me. once my parents got in a fight and they we yelling at eachother really loud and either my mom ior dad had a big cup of coffe and the next thing i remember was yells door slaming right as coffe was being thrown and i can remember me alway walking past the hallway door where the coffe was thrown and touching it. and remember that morning. i got sick once so i slept in the living room with my mom so i was close to the bathroom. i slept there for about 6 months. i didnt want to be in the back of the house where my dad was because i was scared of him. but i was scared of my mom to. i didnt want to get stuck in my bedroom with no way out. so i just stayed in the living room. once my parents were yelling and i couldnt get them to stop. they went into the pantry and closed the door. then next thing i no is the door that went outside, one of the panels of glass was broken and my dad had a black eye. but when they we fighting my sister and i ran across the street to the neighbors house. i can remember running and screaming all the way there. the dad went over to c wat was going on. i sat on there couch shaking. my mom filled for devorce and about 3 months later my mom told me that her and my sis were looking for apt. because they filed fo divorce and were moving out. we moved out dec. 21 the day after winter break started in 6th grade. my mom didnt tell me until most of the paper work was done. i was at my grandparents and they were go forever. my mom asked my grandpa for a loan so they could get something. and that my grandparents grandma mom and sis we leaving and i wanted to know why. they told me and that was about november. so it was almost 3-4 months in to it and then just now told me. this past year, labor day weekend i went with my dad his g/f sandy to my daddy's parents house in palm desert. my mom called on friday bit i didnt recieve the call and when i caled back they didnt answer but i didnt think anything of it. i come back sunday and my sis told my dad and i that my mom was at my grandmas house getting camping stuff for then next weekend. i kept on calling her cell but it was off. by about 10 o'clock pm i new something was up becuase my grandparents are in bed by like at the latest 9 o'clock. the thursday before i left my grandpa was having so chest pain but he like alwats has it so nothing really happened when i left. well i new something was wrong so i asked my sis and she told me. she told me that poppy had had a heartatack on friday, the day that i left, and that he was in the hospital and his heart wasntd doing so good that he was probavbly going to be out in a few days. i cried i felt so bad. my mom didnt come home to about the next day. my grandpa dies on september 7, 2004 at about 1:30 in the mornig. i cried and i cried. that last time i ever saw my grand father was on thursday sep. 2, 2004 as i was walking out the door to go with my grandmother to yoga and he said "bye kid all c you later." well i was supossed to come back after her class but i went home instead. but my mom said that he new that i got home safley from palm desert and after that he really went down hill. im still mad at my mom for not telling me. my sis told me at like 10:30 at night. i didnt even get to say good bye. i miss my grandfather so much. he was kept me going. c him every day. it was really scary because the day he dies my birthdsy present i asked for that he bought me arrived, the laptop computer that i am writing this on. i luv my grandfather soo much, and now that he is gone i miss him a million time more. it isnt the same without him. my life had been jacked. it always was always is and alwayz will be. my moms stupid and so is my sis. i just want to start over. i think. but truely i dont know wat i want.
-Ally
ug. i dont how to feel. i dont feel like anything. I dont know what to do!. I dont know!! I dont know if I hurt because of pain or what. I dont know what to do. I feel like im lost. I dont no who I am. what I like. I feel like a piece of goo just laying there. but I think most of all im scared. scared of thingy going wrong,things happening, people dying, death, leaving people behind, fights. I dont know what to do. but I feel like the only thing I do know is that im scared. I want to feel safe. I wanna disapear. play hide-and-go-seek but know one will ever find me. what do i do?
i wrote this the other day. i want to get ride of some of, as some ppl say, "baggage" but my baggage is different. its the kinda that u cant get ride of easily. its the kinda that hurts every time u talk about it, everytime u even thik about it. i wasnt abused as a kid or anything but my mind was. i can be around people yelling at eachother,getting yelled out, lightening, thunder, really loud noises. when i got on certain roller coasters or rides i have to cover my ears. im scared that something bad will happen. i have never told this to anyone before, but when i was a kid my parents would fight. most of my memories as a kid are my parents yelling at eachother or bad things happening to me. once my parents got in a fight and they we yelling at eachother really loud and either my mom ior dad had a big cup of coffe and the next thing i remember was yells door slaming right as coffe was being thrown and i can remember me alway walking past the hallway door where the coffe was thrown and touching it. and remember that morning. i got sick once so i slept in the living room with my mom so i was close to the bathroom. i slept there for about 6 months. i didnt want to be in the back of the house where my dad was because i was scared of him. but i was scared of my mom to. i didnt want to get stuck in my bedroom with no way out. so i just stayed in the living room. once my parents were yelling and i couldnt get them to stop. they went into the pantry and closed the door. then next thing i no is the door that went outside, one of the panels of glass was broken and my dad had a black eye. but when they we fighting my sister and i ran across the street to the neighbors house. i can remember running and screaming all the way there. the dad went over to c wat was going on. i sat on there couch shaking. my mom filled for devorce and about 3 months later my mom told me that her and my sis were looking for apt. because they filed fo divorce and were moving out. we moved out dec. 21 the day after winter break started in 6th grade. my mom didnt tell me until most of the paper work was done. i was at my grandparents and they were go forever. my mom asked my grandpa for a loan so they could get something. and that my grandparents grandma mom and sis we leaving and i wanted to know why. they told me and that was about november. so it was almost 3-4 months in to it and then just now told me. this past year, labor day weekend i went with my dad his g/f sandy to my daddy's parents house in palm desert. my mom called on friday bit i didnt recieve the call and when i caled back they didnt answer but i didnt think anything of it. i come back sunday and my sis told my dad and i that my mom was at my grandmas house getting camping stuff for then next weekend. i kept on calling her cell but it was off. by about 10 o'clock pm i new something was up becuase my grandparents are in bed by like at the latest 9 o'clock. the thursday before i left my grandpa was having so chest pain but he like alwats has it so nothing really happened when i left. well i new something was wrong so i asked my sis and she told me. she told me that poppy had had a heartatack on friday, the day that i left, and that he was in the hospital and his heart wasntd doing so good that he was probavbly going to be out in a few days. i cried i felt so bad. my mom didnt come home to about the next day. my grandpa dies on september 7, 2004 at about 1:30 in the mornig. i cried and i cried. that last time i ever saw my grand father was on thursday sep. 2, 2004 as i was walking out the door to go with my grandmother to yoga and he said "bye kid all c you later." well i was supossed to come back after her class but i went home instead. but my mom said that he new that i got home safley from palm desert and after that he really went down hill. im still mad at my mom for not telling me. my sis told me at like 10:30 at night. i didnt even get to say good bye. i miss my grandfather so much. he was kept me going. c him every day. it was really scary because the day he dies my birthdsy present i asked for that he bought me arrived, the laptop computer that i am writing this on. i luv my grandfather soo much, and now that he is gone i miss him a million time more. it isnt the same without him. my life had been jacked. it always was always is and alwayz will be. my moms stupid and so is my sis. i just want to start over. i think. but truely i dont know wat i want.
-Ally