time goes by
it's been a little over a year since i started my livejournal. so much has changed with me. i've been up, down and back up again a few times. i can't decided what i'm feeling. i for some reason can't help but feel that God isn't there. I mean...well I know he is. It's completely evident in my life that he is. I just don't feel close to him and i can't for the life of me, get myself to sit down and read my bible, and pray. i go to church every week. and i take extensive notes. i usually get something out of it, but i want more. i want to be on fire for him like no one else. i want to have such a passion. one thing im struggling with is that i know if i were back down south i would still be doing the same things. nothing would change. so that just shows my ilfe really hasnt changed that much. i know its a gradual thing. i can't just come up here and expect it to all be better and all my problems go away. i still struggle very much from day to day with the actions i took down there and the consequences i have been left with. i didnt get off scotch free with all i did. because of everything i have the worst anxiety and i'm just depressed. i know i know i'm good at hiding it. well i always have been. i've had one panick attack since ive gotten here and some close calls. they actually seem to be settling down. and im very thankful. anyways..i totally got off subject...i just dont feel right. close. like im faking. i want to be close to God. it just doesn't feel the same and i dont know what to do. i'm feeling all mixed up and confused. i just don't know what to do. i want to make a difference. i want God to use me. I want to have an undying passion for him. God has put two really amazing people in my life recently and i know it's only by him that we got as close as we have so fast. these people are two really strong christians. i love that about them. they both know my past and don't look down on me. i respect that. eh.l im not sure how i feel. theres just so much. i dont know. i wish i knew though. i wish i could fill this empty void. i feel like im missing something. ive tried everything to fill it and still havent. maybe ill find it here. God is going to work out everything, but its hard to rely on someone you only half believe is there. GAH. plesase leave me comments.