Here goes..
I wrote this the night of August 14 just laying in bed listening to music.. And now keep looking back on it and freaking myself out. What do you think? A week later.. they did break up, mom did say we are moving, and that fear is going to have to be faced.
'I think i'm finally scared now, only because i know that i'm so incredibly happy. I guess i'm learning that everytime things are great, something will come in the way of that and ruin what you thought was a masterpiece. If it's your intuition, your own fault, or another person's actions..something will try to tear you down. I won't let that happen this time..oh, i'm sure it will happen, but it won't tear me down. There has been soOo much change in my life and my family and my friendships in the past 2 years that sometimes i forget to breathe. It's amazing how much a person can go through and not realize the impact it will leave on them for the rest of their life. Im learning quickly though, that everything happens for a reason. I don't only look at myself.. but also my mom, my brother, my dad, and my friends.. everyone has gone through more than i ever imagined people go through and face in a lifetime. I mean whoa, my life is awesome compared to others, it's just the fact that I don't know where i'll be.. my heart, my happiness, my mind because of little things turning on me. Right now, my heart is happy, but my mind is only scared because everything feels right. From experience, i can't hold on too tightly to what feels right, or its just gonna slip away. Now isnt it suppose to be the opposite.. im frightened when i'm hurting?? I was hurting not too long ago, but i didnt feel it at the time, not until he was gone that i realized one person doesnt feed you your own happiness--you find that from the inside. I'm scared, that one tug will just pull the smile right from me. It really creeps me out, when i can sit here and cry because i can finally get all my emotions out, even if it's one deep though, sorted out to where i understand. Life is soo sweet though, just the rush, and i do thank God everyday for the good and the bad.
Nothing hurts worse than to see your mom struggling everyday for the one person that she feels makes her happy. I just wanna go knock on her head and say "Mom..i may be only 14..and i know you think i have NO right to tell you this--But sometimes you HaVe to let go of that 'one thing' that makes you feel alive, because your soul is just really dying when you're not strong enough to realize the hell that you are putting yourself through, not that he is putting you throught. And when you can admit that to yourself and let go, you'll be able to breathe without gasping for air." It has to be the toughest thing to admit though.. i understand that.. after moving across the country and giving up everything for this person. But hell, everyone makes mistakes, even huge ones that you do learn from.
I love her.. i want her to be happy.. it gives me a lump in my throat everyday looking at her and seeing tears balled up in the corner of her eyes--But i dont want her to decide to leave this place and make all my happiness leave also. I've gone through that once, and once is plenty enough. I don't know if i could handle looking anyone in the eyes and telling them goodbye again, atleast not at the moment. I've made too many special bonds with people here.. and the thought of having to leave that tears me up. Change is something i'm dreading right now, a BiG change for some reason--i can feel it--and i think that's only because i'm scared. Who knows what it is im fearing right now..whether it's a move or a broken heart or breaking someone elses heart. I think i am falling in love..I think he may be also.. but we both have a doubt because of our differences. Mom says no, but then again what does she know.. I've been so happy and in such a great mood lately.. im just warning myself, you have to be aware of not knowing what is ahead..'
'I think i'm finally scared now, only because i know that i'm so incredibly happy. I guess i'm learning that everytime things are great, something will come in the way of that and ruin what you thought was a masterpiece. If it's your intuition, your own fault, or another person's actions..something will try to tear you down. I won't let that happen this time..oh, i'm sure it will happen, but it won't tear me down. There has been soOo much change in my life and my family and my friendships in the past 2 years that sometimes i forget to breathe. It's amazing how much a person can go through and not realize the impact it will leave on them for the rest of their life. Im learning quickly though, that everything happens for a reason. I don't only look at myself.. but also my mom, my brother, my dad, and my friends.. everyone has gone through more than i ever imagined people go through and face in a lifetime. I mean whoa, my life is awesome compared to others, it's just the fact that I don't know where i'll be.. my heart, my happiness, my mind because of little things turning on me. Right now, my heart is happy, but my mind is only scared because everything feels right. From experience, i can't hold on too tightly to what feels right, or its just gonna slip away. Now isnt it suppose to be the opposite.. im frightened when i'm hurting?? I was hurting not too long ago, but i didnt feel it at the time, not until he was gone that i realized one person doesnt feed you your own happiness--you find that from the inside. I'm scared, that one tug will just pull the smile right from me. It really creeps me out, when i can sit here and cry because i can finally get all my emotions out, even if it's one deep though, sorted out to where i understand. Life is soo sweet though, just the rush, and i do thank God everyday for the good and the bad.
Nothing hurts worse than to see your mom struggling everyday for the one person that she feels makes her happy. I just wanna go knock on her head and say "Mom..i may be only 14..and i know you think i have NO right to tell you this--But sometimes you HaVe to let go of that 'one thing' that makes you feel alive, because your soul is just really dying when you're not strong enough to realize the hell that you are putting yourself through, not that he is putting you throught. And when you can admit that to yourself and let go, you'll be able to breathe without gasping for air." It has to be the toughest thing to admit though.. i understand that.. after moving across the country and giving up everything for this person. But hell, everyone makes mistakes, even huge ones that you do learn from.
I love her.. i want her to be happy.. it gives me a lump in my throat everyday looking at her and seeing tears balled up in the corner of her eyes--But i dont want her to decide to leave this place and make all my happiness leave also. I've gone through that once, and once is plenty enough. I don't know if i could handle looking anyone in the eyes and telling them goodbye again, atleast not at the moment. I've made too many special bonds with people here.. and the thought of having to leave that tears me up. Change is something i'm dreading right now, a BiG change for some reason--i can feel it--and i think that's only because i'm scared. Who knows what it is im fearing right now..whether it's a move or a broken heart or breaking someone elses heart. I think i am falling in love..I think he may be also.. but we both have a doubt because of our differences. Mom says no, but then again what does she know.. I've been so happy and in such a great mood lately.. im just warning myself, you have to be aware of not knowing what is ahead..'