Well Slap My Bottom and Call Me Monkey

[pnkrock_suicide]

You know how some people have those stories about lying in bed late at night and then *BAM!* it hits them, this thought that changes everything in an instant and their life is put on a new path...? You know those ones? Yeah, this isn't like that. I wasn't lying in bed, it wasn't some huge awakening or anything of the sort, but I did realize something that's given me new perspective in everything. I shouldn't be afraid or ashamed of how I feel. I have this ginormous fear of the L word and everything it brings with it, ya know? The only time I use it is when I talk to my sisters or when I'm telling a friend that I love them in the friend way, I try not to use it in a relationship until I'm positive that that's how I feel. Sometimes I even use it when it's not exactly a relationship but I still feel that way. Rarely, but it has been known to happen. In fact, I used the L word a bit ago. Now, after saying something like that to someone you hope and pray to the good Lord above that the heart you just handed this person will not be spit upon but rather held close and loved in return. This, however, does not always happen. In my case it was... well... kind of spit upon. It hurt. A lot. For a time I was ashamed of myself for even saying it, for letting myself feel that way, for everything. Then, last night, in the dark, I sat on my couch with my teddy bear wondering why I was so ashamed. What had I done wrong? I felt like a little girl again being sent to my room for hitting my little sister, only I hadn't hit anyone, they'd hit me (in a sense). In that moment I saw what I should have seen so long ago; there is never any reason to be ashamed of how you feel or expressing those feelings. Everyone is entitled to feel how they want to, no one can control who they do and do not fall in love with and you shouldn't hold back once you know for sure that yes, you do love someone. Or hate them, doesn't matter, whatever you feel... people try to hold those things back. That's not good people. Express yourselves!

Any way... I'm done for tonight. Ta