(no subject)
Im in a hole and cant get out. Its a continual downward spiraling hole and i cant climb out of it. thats what my life is right now. sure on the outside it might look like a normal teenagers life. school work friends. but its more than that. It seems like my best friends are slipping away. But maybe its not them slipping away. maybe its me. My best friend andrew. I do everything with him. well at least when he doesnt have a girlfriend I do. It seems that anytime he has a girlfriend he slowly starts slipping away. Its more and more time with her. and yo know i thought this time would be different but its not. i thought maybe this time cuz i was friends with her and she lived here in ventura that things would work out and i wouldnt lose my best friend again. and for a while it did work out. thank god courtney has a life and doesnt devout all of her time to him therefore he is free to stil be my friend. this was good for a while. untill he slowly replaced me with brittney. what the hecks with that. like suddenly hes spending all his free time with her and noen with me. i just get kicked to the side. no anytime hes not with courtney hes with brittney and the only time im called up is when no one else is avalable. and its like he always has to rub in my face that he has the better life. hes got the girl the car the money the friends everything. hes has the easiest life. doesnt have to work for a thing. me on the other had. i have a job no money no girl no car. things dont come easy for me. i have to fucking work for them. my only victory over him was when we both applied to mac grill and i got the job and he didnt. and it was all about him. why didnt i get the job. how did you get it over me. and it was never like of good job jason or anything. it was always about him. and i was never allowed to talk about work with him. thats part f my day and so when he says what did you do today i wasnt supposed to talk aobut work like wtf. and then like a month later he plays it off like he was better than that job and that its more somthing for me then him. making himeself seem better again. its like a lose lose thing. i cant never be greater or even equal to him. yeah i can admit that im jealouse of him. who wouldnt be. so maybe its me. maybe im pushing myself away from him cuz im jealous. no cuz ive always thought hes had a better life than me. sure his dad used to be a dick but now hes ok. i dont even know. and i dont know maybe he plans these things but the only time he does call me to hang i actually have other plans so obviously i cant hang out with him. so whatever. fuck him. then theres my other best friend. you know who you are. this person means the world to me. if andrew stoped being my friend sure that blows but ill deal. if this person stoped being my friend. idont know what i would do. but i have to sit back and watch this person do everything i odnt want them to do....i want to wake up and realize that my life isnt reality and that the last 4 years of my life didnt count and that i could redo them. there are so many differnt things that i would do. i wish i caould say i live life without regrets but i dont. i regret a lot of things. but i cant do anything about that now. mostly cuz my life is flipped upside down and i cant fix it. no thats not true. i know how to fix it. i just dont want to. so what do you do in a situation like this. i want it all to be over but i enjoy the fun. sin is on ly fun for a season...well this season needs to come to an end....alright well now that i have rambled for like last 3o mins im done.