Endless, truly...
I know I haven't been on here in a long time. And like timeless others, I'm going to be cliche and say that I'm coming back for awhile. Who knows who actually reads this anymore. It's been years since I've posted anything at all. I'm frustrated, depressed... I have no idea who to talk to because no matter what i say, or who i say it to, everyone has their own things to deal with or it's someone i can't say it to. I could speak my frustrations out to certain people but it's like everyone wants me to be strong now and do the right thing, cry on their shoulder, speak out my mind to them. I've held in too much for much too long to start talking about it now. I feel like I don't even know my family because I was so engrossed in all the things going on back then.
I've been noticing so much more going on with everybody now, even with my own stuff going on. I don't want to bother anyone with my troubles because i know everyone has their own shit going on.
All i really want right now is to either
1. Just spend a weekend with someone who I love/loves me/convincingly acts like they love me.
2. Drink, Shoot up, Drug myself to the point where everything is just as amusing as I hope it to be. or
3. Sleep....
But i know that I can't do any of that. Too much responsibility to worry about, and yet there is nothing i can actually do right now. I want to much to see my son right now. I have no car, no money... I have so much ridiculous debt right now, and i have no one to blame for it but me. And yet there is nothing to do about either of those problems but wait for more money so i can either go see my son or pay my debts. And then wait again. Megan acts like it's so difficult raising him, and yes. It is a challenge. She acts like I'm a deadbeat because i can't afford to see him when they live, what... like 200 miles away from me. If they had been here in this town the whole time, i would have been there every minute of every day that i wasn't working seeing him and taking care of him as much as i could. This whole situation is ridiculous. Besides all that, I don't make enough money... i need another job, and thus i need a car. Hopefully my car is actually going to be fixed soon. It's not the best car, but yet it's a car none the less. And when it's running, I will not complain about it. Besides all that crap... I've got all the stuff I've never talked about to anyone. It seems like when i want to talk about that stuff, i always talk about more recent problems and then I don't have the courage to talk about the other more serious problems with my sanity. It seems the more i get my life in order and the more i try to work on those problems, the worse.... no, the stronger the feelings get. I'm just afraid that sometime, someday something bad is going to happen because of it. Thankfully I'm past, waaaaay past ever trying to kill myself. I want to be around for a long time... forever. But I've talked about that before. Maybe I'll talk about it later...
Amour à tout le vous...