Education and anger
If you hang around communities that are into various forms of social justice advocacy for a while there are a couple of themes you will start to hear repeatedly. One of those is that oppressed people have a right to be angry - that we tried being nice to our oppressors and it didn't work so now we're doing angry. A related theme is that we don't have an obligation to educate you. If you, as a privileged person, does not understand how it sucks to be oppressed it is YOUR obligation, as a well-meaning person who doesn't WANT to oppress others, to educate yourself.
Both of these have a lot of truth to them and in no way am I saying the communities are wrong to spread these messages, but I feel like a lot of the time they end up simplified down so much as to be nearly useless. The thing about "we tried being nice and it didn't work" is that getting angry isn't really a strategy - people don't get angry because the think it will work better than nice; people get angry because being oppressed sucks and it makes them feel justifiably angry. Sometimes anger IS actually a thing that gets through to someone who was being a douche-nozzle and sometimes it just makes the douche-nozzle double down on their douchiness. Whether or not anger "works" is almost irrelevant because anger is an emotion that people feel and people get to feel and express their emotions. That's what being human is.
The thing is, as much as being nice is hard, being angry perpetually is hard too. It takes a lot out of you and maintaining righteous anger long term can burn a person out. Some news about Neil Degrasse Tyson saying some profound things about race and gender in the sciences has been making the rounds recently and I saw at least one person comment that Neil's response was so reasonable and calm and that had they received that question they would have been unable to respond without anger. And my reaction was that you can't do this as long as Neil Degrasse Tyson has been and still be angry without burning out. Neil is an educator. Education is what Neil feels DRIVEN to do. So of course Neil's response to a stupid bigoted question is to educate. It's also of course the best way for Neil to KEEP the prominent position of being able to speak out, so I'm not saying there's no strategic thinking happening there - I just don't think that's all there is to it.
I recently had someone remark to me that I seem incredibly reasonable and patient when explaining non-binary gender. Firstly I was flattered, because that really IS something I aim to do. But then I thought about it further and realized that there's a lot of history that got me to this place. I spent my college years with the "ACCEPT WHAT I AM OR FUCK YOU!" attitude. I was not reasonable or patient or nice - I was angry. That's all I could do at the time. And it burned me out. I spent 6 or 8 years post-college barely able to even THINK about gender issues, stuffing it all down in the back of my head, muddling along letting the world assume that I'm cis-gendered and hating it but not having the energy to do more. I'm working really hard now on finding a way to live in the world that is neither anger nor trying and failing to ignore the issue. And that way I am finding is to speak out, calmly and with patience, and tell the world that I am a real thing that exists. To set my goals low and achievable so that I can feel like I am making progress instead of beating my head against an immovable cinder-block wall. No, I don't owe education to anyone else. But I owe it to MYSELF.
It doesn't mean I never get angry. It doesn't mean I never express anger. But I need to modulate my anger so that it doesn't burn me out. I also need to have patience with people who still ARE in the place of "accept what I am or fuck you!" because I do still remember what it was like to be there and I can't make them grow out of it any faster by telling them it's wrong. And, heck, maybe they have a larger capacity for anger than I did and won't burn out from it. But I think that's rare.
Both of these have a lot of truth to them and in no way am I saying the communities are wrong to spread these messages, but I feel like a lot of the time they end up simplified down so much as to be nearly useless. The thing about "we tried being nice and it didn't work" is that getting angry isn't really a strategy - people don't get angry because the think it will work better than nice; people get angry because being oppressed sucks and it makes them feel justifiably angry. Sometimes anger IS actually a thing that gets through to someone who was being a douche-nozzle and sometimes it just makes the douche-nozzle double down on their douchiness. Whether or not anger "works" is almost irrelevant because anger is an emotion that people feel and people get to feel and express their emotions. That's what being human is.
The thing is, as much as being nice is hard, being angry perpetually is hard too. It takes a lot out of you and maintaining righteous anger long term can burn a person out. Some news about Neil Degrasse Tyson saying some profound things about race and gender in the sciences has been making the rounds recently and I saw at least one person comment that Neil's response was so reasonable and calm and that had they received that question they would have been unable to respond without anger. And my reaction was that you can't do this as long as Neil Degrasse Tyson has been and still be angry without burning out. Neil is an educator. Education is what Neil feels DRIVEN to do. So of course Neil's response to a stupid bigoted question is to educate. It's also of course the best way for Neil to KEEP the prominent position of being able to speak out, so I'm not saying there's no strategic thinking happening there - I just don't think that's all there is to it.
I recently had someone remark to me that I seem incredibly reasonable and patient when explaining non-binary gender. Firstly I was flattered, because that really IS something I aim to do. But then I thought about it further and realized that there's a lot of history that got me to this place. I spent my college years with the "ACCEPT WHAT I AM OR FUCK YOU!" attitude. I was not reasonable or patient or nice - I was angry. That's all I could do at the time. And it burned me out. I spent 6 or 8 years post-college barely able to even THINK about gender issues, stuffing it all down in the back of my head, muddling along letting the world assume that I'm cis-gendered and hating it but not having the energy to do more. I'm working really hard now on finding a way to live in the world that is neither anger nor trying and failing to ignore the issue. And that way I am finding is to speak out, calmly and with patience, and tell the world that I am a real thing that exists. To set my goals low and achievable so that I can feel like I am making progress instead of beating my head against an immovable cinder-block wall. No, I don't owe education to anyone else. But I owe it to MYSELF.
It doesn't mean I never get angry. It doesn't mean I never express anger. But I need to modulate my anger so that it doesn't burn me out. I also need to have patience with people who still ARE in the place of "accept what I am or fuck you!" because I do still remember what it was like to be there and I can't make them grow out of it any faster by telling them it's wrong. And, heck, maybe they have a larger capacity for anger than I did and won't burn out from it. But I think that's rare.