Finally, she writes
My hands are freezing, and I'm sick and should be in bed, but I can't sleep and I need to start this thing sometime. Seems late for me to be jumping on the goofy bandwagon that is "Blogging", especially since I've never faithfully kept much in the way of a journal before and I don't especially feel that my thoughts and feelings are meant for sharing with other people... But you gotta let stuff out sometimes or it eats at you and keeps you up at night because your brain wants to talk so much it starts talking to you! Besides, if anyone is going to read this it'd probably be close friends who in theory should like to read stuff like this anyway. Personally I think direct conversations are better for keeping in touch, but I guess sometimes informing the masses at once is more... betterer?
Really, I think I wanted to get a LJ back in 2001 or 2002 but they said I had to ask a friend to use their monthly invitation on me or something. That was too much pressure for me, asking someone to use their one little ticket to give *ME* a journal and then what if I chickened/flaked out and never wrote in it? But then, maybe a month ago... before my old computer 'sploded and I got this nice one with a good processor but lousy memory, I actually signed up and got one.. and then didn't write in it until now. >.O I'm ambitious, can you tell?
Actually, I can only help my lack of ambition so much. 4 years ago, mid-way through my freshman year in high school my normal life kinda died a slow and painful death. We were finishing up finals that week and I was in P.E.- making up a "pacer" test, where they lay an annoying cassette tape that plays increasingly close together beeps and you have to run across the gym in between the beeps less you face the wrath of your P.E. teacher, who is of course a disgruntled middle aged woman who likes to mar intelligent young women's GPAs because they don't have enough physical endurance and aren't fond of Tae-bo or step aerobics. These pacer tests were a nightmare for me since I was introduced to them back in 7th grade, but I'd always managed to make a passing grade. (Yes, so much for "I grade based on effort!" If you can't run back and forth fast enough for enough beeps you fail.) This fateful day, however.... maybe January 20th or so, I ran back and forth about 8 times (Still an F) and I was already feeling so sick I could pass out.... I kept going on into the D-range and started being late for beeps... I don't remember if I held on until the C-range before I copped out because I couldn't breathe and my legs were turning blue... I went home that weekend and got very sick with mono-like symptoms, and tested "Weakly positive" for anti-bodies to Epstein Barr virus. Still not sure what exactly went wrong with my body, but I've been sick since. Chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, a strange blood vessel disorder where my blood vessels have no regard for whether I'm laying, sitting, or standing and I can't keep blood in my head if I'm upright and unmedicated for any length of time. Lucky for me the cure for that last problem has icky side effects and I can't lay down when I take it, which is really convenient when you have chronic fatigue syndrome and all your body ever wants to do is lay down! :D
So here I am, 4 years later, as life continues to pass me by and I do what I can and pretend it's living. The world didn't stop when I got sick, if anything it's been moving faster, and my friends and family have gone whizzing forward in strange new directions while I'm left crawling on hands and knees in their dust... It's been sad, watching people I love migrating away from me, changing with new experiences I can relate less and less with, and becoming more and more involved with more and more people who are increasingly less and less like me! It's not fair to say I haven't moved on at all, I acquired my boyfriend that first month I was sick, when I thought I was just a prude who mysteriously contracted mono through a drinking fountain and I'd be back to normal in a few weeks, and we started falling for each other almost as soon as we met, and miraculously he stuck with me even as it became a six-month sentence, and even when I realized it was going to be a years-and-years kind of thing and there was a lot more to it. He's a big sweetie who happens to be just insane enough to think I'm worth the issues and limitations I come with, and to think I deserve him at any rate! Yes, he's very good, I've built up high expectations around him and he hasn't let me down much over the last few years... Only bad thing is that his family is like a traveling circus, they don't stay put anywhere for very long and he's often displaced in situations where I don't get to talk to him as much as I'd like. (Everyday, perhaps?) Right now they've been fixing up an old yacht they wanted to sail from Trinidad to an island off of British Columbia and he's stuck in Venezuela where they were set back by a robbery and I get to talk to him once a week when I'm not too mentally fatigued to remember what day it is! -.-
I probably sound like a negative Nelly by all this sad-speak, but unfortunately it's kinda the theme of my life. My sister doesn't like me anymore because I don't really censor all these negative feelings when I'm around her anymore... She used to always open up to me when she was feeling like this, but she's "grown up" a little recently and has taken the suppression route with emotions. I think that might have been why I was so upset and having trouble sleeping before I got up and came to write this; just that I don't really have any good, close, open, and honest relationships where I can vent allll this stuff without feeling like I'm jeopardizing the other person's love for me, except my one hour a week that goes much too fast to use as a therapy session. I just feel very lonely... And like I should be on anti-depressants again just to numb things a little and kick up the denial factor... but I've been on like, 5 different kinds and they've all had crazy side-effects or made me gain weight in the end, and neither of those things helps to de-depress you in the long run.
Maybe a journal will. Plus I can write more happy things and stuff. I do have a quirky, more lovable side that takes delight in odd little things here and there, and I'm a riot when I have a fever, and I get lots of those! I'm going to hypnotically play solitaire until I feel sleepier and then try bed again so my lungs aren't taken over by the pneumonia-germs, but umm... thanks if you read all that? Wow, you really did read all that? I mean, I took the time to write all that, but it's about me so I had an excuse, but you read it all and you didn't have to? I have a newfound respect for you, whoever actually reads all that! =D ...That would have been my odd, quirky side kicking in if you didn't notice?
Really, I think I wanted to get a LJ back in 2001 or 2002 but they said I had to ask a friend to use their monthly invitation on me or something. That was too much pressure for me, asking someone to use their one little ticket to give *ME* a journal and then what if I chickened/flaked out and never wrote in it? But then, maybe a month ago... before my old computer 'sploded and I got this nice one with a good processor but lousy memory, I actually signed up and got one.. and then didn't write in it until now. >.O I'm ambitious, can you tell?
Actually, I can only help my lack of ambition so much. 4 years ago, mid-way through my freshman year in high school my normal life kinda died a slow and painful death. We were finishing up finals that week and I was in P.E.- making up a "pacer" test, where they lay an annoying cassette tape that plays increasingly close together beeps and you have to run across the gym in between the beeps less you face the wrath of your P.E. teacher, who is of course a disgruntled middle aged woman who likes to mar intelligent young women's GPAs because they don't have enough physical endurance and aren't fond of Tae-bo or step aerobics. These pacer tests were a nightmare for me since I was introduced to them back in 7th grade, but I'd always managed to make a passing grade. (Yes, so much for "I grade based on effort!" If you can't run back and forth fast enough for enough beeps you fail.) This fateful day, however.... maybe January 20th or so, I ran back and forth about 8 times (Still an F) and I was already feeling so sick I could pass out.... I kept going on into the D-range and started being late for beeps... I don't remember if I held on until the C-range before I copped out because I couldn't breathe and my legs were turning blue... I went home that weekend and got very sick with mono-like symptoms, and tested "Weakly positive" for anti-bodies to Epstein Barr virus. Still not sure what exactly went wrong with my body, but I've been sick since. Chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, a strange blood vessel disorder where my blood vessels have no regard for whether I'm laying, sitting, or standing and I can't keep blood in my head if I'm upright and unmedicated for any length of time. Lucky for me the cure for that last problem has icky side effects and I can't lay down when I take it, which is really convenient when you have chronic fatigue syndrome and all your body ever wants to do is lay down! :D
So here I am, 4 years later, as life continues to pass me by and I do what I can and pretend it's living. The world didn't stop when I got sick, if anything it's been moving faster, and my friends and family have gone whizzing forward in strange new directions while I'm left crawling on hands and knees in their dust... It's been sad, watching people I love migrating away from me, changing with new experiences I can relate less and less with, and becoming more and more involved with more and more people who are increasingly less and less like me! It's not fair to say I haven't moved on at all, I acquired my boyfriend that first month I was sick, when I thought I was just a prude who mysteriously contracted mono through a drinking fountain and I'd be back to normal in a few weeks, and we started falling for each other almost as soon as we met, and miraculously he stuck with me even as it became a six-month sentence, and even when I realized it was going to be a years-and-years kind of thing and there was a lot more to it. He's a big sweetie who happens to be just insane enough to think I'm worth the issues and limitations I come with, and to think I deserve him at any rate! Yes, he's very good, I've built up high expectations around him and he hasn't let me down much over the last few years... Only bad thing is that his family is like a traveling circus, they don't stay put anywhere for very long and he's often displaced in situations where I don't get to talk to him as much as I'd like. (Everyday, perhaps?) Right now they've been fixing up an old yacht they wanted to sail from Trinidad to an island off of British Columbia and he's stuck in Venezuela where they were set back by a robbery and I get to talk to him once a week when I'm not too mentally fatigued to remember what day it is! -.-
I probably sound like a negative Nelly by all this sad-speak, but unfortunately it's kinda the theme of my life. My sister doesn't like me anymore because I don't really censor all these negative feelings when I'm around her anymore... She used to always open up to me when she was feeling like this, but she's "grown up" a little recently and has taken the suppression route with emotions. I think that might have been why I was so upset and having trouble sleeping before I got up and came to write this; just that I don't really have any good, close, open, and honest relationships where I can vent allll this stuff without feeling like I'm jeopardizing the other person's love for me, except my one hour a week that goes much too fast to use as a therapy session. I just feel very lonely... And like I should be on anti-depressants again just to numb things a little and kick up the denial factor... but I've been on like, 5 different kinds and they've all had crazy side-effects or made me gain weight in the end, and neither of those things helps to de-depress you in the long run.
Maybe a journal will. Plus I can write more happy things and stuff. I do have a quirky, more lovable side that takes delight in odd little things here and there, and I'm a riot when I have a fever, and I get lots of those! I'm going to hypnotically play solitaire until I feel sleepier and then try bed again so my lungs aren't taken over by the pneumonia-germs, but umm... thanks if you read all that? Wow, you really did read all that? I mean, I took the time to write all that, but it's about me so I had an excuse, but you read it all and you didn't have to? I have a newfound respect for you, whoever actually reads all that! =D ...That would have been my odd, quirky side kicking in if you didn't notice?