Wave your hands in the air if you just don't care

[plural]

Was in the middle of a discussion
on one of the political forums I frequent
when I was struck by just how little I cared

not only did I not care if the other person understood
I didn't even care if I had made my point, well or not at all

this is unusual for me

usually my pride, my vanity requires such

yet

I suffer from excess
ennui plagues my spirit

I've always thought

consumption
was an interesting name for an affliction

and while
I realize it refers to something else
I'm going to appropriate it for myself here

as I've been on something of a

slide

lately

and consumption
or rather the excess of it
seems my only distraction

stuck in limbo
waiting for my papers to come through

or that, I tell myself, is my excuse

although

I think perhaps
it has more to do with mothers death
than I would like to believe

the craving for intimacy
the craving for affection
is much stronger than usual

and
my appetites have been both
ravenous and sated

but it seems satisfaction
never outlasts the dawn
and
I awake vacant once again

as you all know
I dislike counting
when it comes to women

I feel it trivializes
cheapens
lessens
whatever meaning an encounter may possess

but lately
I've been the one trivializing
but lately
I've been the lesser man

but lets just say
that in the past month
I'd get pretty deep into toes
were I to start counting

which is an excess
even for me

Now granted
some have been different
better
less desperate
less empty

I reconnected briefly
with an ex
and while my hunger exceeded me
there was in my mind
some value there
a link back to a better time
a connection to real intimacy
even if only for a few moments

on the other hand
at the other extreme
the three day date girl
which was really
truly
just a bender with a double helping of self delusion

a case of gluttony wrapped in lust
a three day excess of food, drink, woman and beauty

an altar built of pride
accepts only empty sacrifices

I am lost

I am angry

I am hurting

and I haven't a clue where to begin

I feel hollowed out
a canoe of a man
floating aimlessly without a paddle

despite my best attempts
and several thousand dollars in bar bills
distraction has failed me

my heart feels encased
in a cactus turned inside out
where even the slightest touch
causes severe pain
as the spines are pushed deeper

when mother passed
I told myself I didn't have to deal with it all
today, tomorrow or even the next day
but
obviously
some part of it must be addressed

but which
but how

are questions I cannot answer

I suppose it can only be called a tribute
that I never realized how much I relied upon my mother
not necessarily her actions
as, in all honesty, we had our difficulties
but
simply being reassured
by her existence

even though I chose to hide much of my life from her
even though I chose to spend so much time apart

it that was enough
that she was there
and now
she is not

I am despondent

I've tried so very hard
to seek refuge in other women's arms
retreating to my old standby
trading sex for intimacy

nothing
but
nothing

quite lets you forget
like the embrace of a woman

wrapped in her kisses
you have no failures

wrapped in her arms
you have no weaknesses

wrapped in her thighs
you have no tragedies

and now
even that seems to fail me

it is as if the casual woman
cannot reach me
and
I desperately need
someone who can