"cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i feel like..."
so it's been a while since i last wrote... my life just seems busier i guess. not so much that i have stuff to do; it just feels like there's so much to say i can't possibly write it all out. i feel too much. i think too much. i love too much. i think i managed to burry a few things tonight with lisa. we hadn't talked about what happened friday night since then and we've seen each other everyday since. i just couldn't bring myself to face certain things that were said and felt. i still feel pretty dumb about it, but whats done is done. we had to talk about it or else two pink elephants would have been in the room instead of one.
i did most of the talking. i told her i felt like i had a choice between being in a sitution where i like a friend or not. i hate liking a friend it's the most fustrating thing in the world. especially a friend who loves all the boys and gets hurt by all the boys. yay for me i get to watch and hear all about it. i told her i could control it but the more time we spend with each other i know it'll grow stronger and even more out of control. i sometimes can't seperate the feelings of caring about her as a friend from liking her. so we talked and talked... and then talked some more. she said she wished she was gay because i was perfect for her. i felt like an even bigger fool. why do straight people close themselves off from things they know nothing about? they say they won't like it but they can't honestly say that because they've never tried.
so i'm left thinking why not and then remembering that it wouldn't matter anyways because she's my friend and that means much more. most of my relationships i wish i could still have that but being in love fucks that up. if only she looked at me differently. if only she could open her mind to something different. if only she could grasp the concepts... if only i could stop liking straight girls.
lisa drove me to the west side so i could see emily and give her my cd before she left for calgary. even winona ryder eyes couldn't detach me from what i wanted. i wished i could just jump to another girl but ... this isn't something a pretty face can fix.