Everybody loves Fanfiction! (I must not tell lies...)
I know, I know. I´m the only person on this earth who dislikes Harry Potter fanfiction. Sadly, I have no life and spend my freetime with reading it anyway. Yesterday I came across a FF which pretended to be the untold Severus Snape biography in 10 chapters, written by a sadistic woman in her late 40s, so I gave it a try. I can´t yet decide which part of it was my favourite...the chapter in which Snape is raped by his father with a log was hilarious and touching indeed, but the one in which he larrups a pot-smoking hooker, because she reminds him of Lily, has also taken me by storm. *g* Poor Snape. He finally did it. He became as "cold as his feet" at the end of the story...I also liked the dialouges a lot, everything seemed so real: "Yeah, Dude, let´s go and get some butterbeers, Duuude" or "Yeah, Dude, you had a boner. You don´t need to put barbwire around it and whip yourself for it, that´s almost natural, Dude" made me shiver passionately.
Can´t wait to see a movie adaption of this story, played by the Harry Potter Puppet Pals on Youtube.
It all stopped being entertaining for me back in 2000 already, because the plots are always the same and every FF writer seems to use the same shitty recipe for "the ulimate" Hp story:
Prologue: Some lines from a My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park or Evanescence song always fit.
1. Describe the abuse of the main character, use pathetic sentences like "No, Daddy, Daddy pleeeaaase" to describe the fatal situation, don´t forget to describe every disgusting detail which comes to your mind, put in a lot of torture. If you´re not sure how to write a scene like this, go to the video store. Movies like 8 mm, Irréversible or Hostel can help you to find the right mood. Watch tons of animes.
2. then put in some Darkness, Isolation, Darkness and some idiotic pseudo- romantic thoughts which came to the main character´s mind, when is all alone by himself (fairies, woods, Lily Evans, Dr. Pepper)
3. Don´t forget to decribe the trip to Hogwarts. No need to remain here as long as necessary, just copy the whole Hogwarts express scene from HP&TPS and change the names into Sirius/James/Lupin/Snape/Lily or Mary Sue.
4. The sorting hat scene is always are very important one. It´s okay to reduce the houses to Gryffindor and Slytherin. Nobody is interested in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw anyway.
5. Try to imagine a silly unfulfilled lovestory and bedevil your character as much as you can. He or she will surely thank for you for this with a suicide attempt or self- destruction or an "Outstanding" in Potions.
The next steps are that easy, too:
Torture the whole bunch, kill somebody in front of a beloved person..blabla...bring in some sex with Hermione or Lupin or a supercool Mary Sue...blablabla..bring in some jokes, tell readers about the fab candy in Hogsmeade, torture, torture, sex, gay sex, use Voldemort to make the character something reeeeaaally bad (what about torture?), darkness, darkness, self- doubt, Yule Ball..
6. The End.
Gee, that was easy, wasn´t it?
If I was in Jo´s stead, I would pay all the original HP actors to come into my house in Edinburgh once a week and make them play my fave HP FF in my living room in front of the family. That would be so much fun!
Can´t wait to see a movie adaption of this story, played by the Harry Potter Puppet Pals on Youtube.
It all stopped being entertaining for me back in 2000 already, because the plots are always the same and every FF writer seems to use the same shitty recipe for "the ulimate" Hp story:
Prologue: Some lines from a My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park or Evanescence song always fit.
1. Describe the abuse of the main character, use pathetic sentences like "No, Daddy, Daddy pleeeaaase" to describe the fatal situation, don´t forget to describe every disgusting detail which comes to your mind, put in a lot of torture. If you´re not sure how to write a scene like this, go to the video store. Movies like 8 mm, Irréversible or Hostel can help you to find the right mood. Watch tons of animes.
2. then put in some Darkness, Isolation, Darkness and some idiotic pseudo- romantic thoughts which came to the main character´s mind, when is all alone by himself (fairies, woods, Lily Evans, Dr. Pepper)
3. Don´t forget to decribe the trip to Hogwarts. No need to remain here as long as necessary, just copy the whole Hogwarts express scene from HP&TPS and change the names into Sirius/James/Lupin/Snape/Lily or Mary Sue.
4. The sorting hat scene is always are very important one. It´s okay to reduce the houses to Gryffindor and Slytherin. Nobody is interested in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw anyway.
5. Try to imagine a silly unfulfilled lovestory and bedevil your character as much as you can. He or she will surely thank for you for this with a suicide attempt or self- destruction or an "Outstanding" in Potions.
The next steps are that easy, too:
Torture the whole bunch, kill somebody in front of a beloved person..blabla...bring in some sex with Hermione or Lupin or a supercool Mary Sue...blablabla..bring in some jokes, tell readers about the fab candy in Hogsmeade, torture, torture, sex, gay sex, use Voldemort to make the character something reeeeaaally bad (what about torture?), darkness, darkness, self- doubt, Yule Ball..
6. The End.
Gee, that was easy, wasn´t it?
If I was in Jo´s stead, I would pay all the original HP actors to come into my house in Edinburgh once a week and make them play my fave HP FF in my living room in front of the family. That would be so much fun!