today i bought a treadmill off craig's list because this is going to be my year of dealing with my body issues. i don't even want to concentrate on lbs or dress sizes or anything. i just want to feel healthier. and ok...a single digit dress size would be a thrill
but i know what you mean about knowing better and still feeling like shit about yourself. you can only blah blah blah patriarchy, sexism, body image, so much....
but seriously, you're my hero for writing about all this.
You know, I only was able to stick with working out and eating right because of a genuine desire to be healthier. The weight loss was a part of it, but in a way it was incidental because of what I wrote about above--it didn't change my self-image. But I do physically feel MUCH better now, and that is not to be overlooked.
Man, all of this makes me feel guilty. Because I've worked hard to just stop caring, in a way. I walk because it feels better than the alternative--staying at home, sitting on my butt. I walk between a mile and a half and three miles probably five days a week, but the idea of "exercising" makes me feel more miserable and self conscious than anything else. And, more or less, I eat when I'm hungry, and don't when I'm not. A lot of my friends count calories, or binge--both of these things are pretty foreign to me. I'm not entirely sure why, though
( ... )
I actually agree--but I've moved to a very health-conscious place, with some very eating disordered/exercise addicted friends (both men and women!) When the common ideal is exercising CONSTANTLY, I feel--I dunno--mega lazy and self conscious about it. But oh well.
I think I consistently underestimate how our geography affects us in this way. I've always been a bit of a body image basket case, but now that I live in New York and work in women's magazines, it's taken on a tone that feels more imperative somehow.
"It makes me wonder what they say to women who actually are small-have they learned yet that small women don't necessarily like attention being called to that fact? Anyway.)"
If you are female, you will get 1) gain weight 2) you're perfect 3) how much do you weigh? 4) you're tiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ZOMG!kj 5) and bitch, you better not look at my man. (yes, I got the look from the girl at starbucks. No I wasn't wearing anything revealing) 6) oh wait wait, let me guess your weight. NO! I could so totally bench you.
The thing that saddens me is the talk about me behind my back because they are not what I am, which is something I never asked for and cannot change.
Fantastic post again, plum. Funnily enough, it's similar to what I did today--I went outside, I went to the bookstore instead of obsessing over calories. It feels fucking good. I always feel blessed to have you amongst my friends because I very much enjoy learning from you.
I try really hard not to comment on people's bodies for that reason--because even something that may seem like a compliment has hidden meaning even if I can't see it. I've always been conscious of this, but my sensitivity has increased after losing weight because the comments themselves have shifted. Nobody should be talking about my body. And I won't talk about yours.
>Seriously, why should I go to fitday.com or be reading "detox diet" crap-stuff I already know-when there is so much I don't know? One of my best traits is my curiosity and I want to actively use that to my advantage.<
Yes.
It's so hard to be "good" about diet/exercise stuff without feeling consumed by it.
Exactly. Most of my actual habits are like I said--a fucking Glamour coverline. I was able to "lose weight without "depriving" myself!!! Or was I? That's the thing--I have a hard time distinguishing what constitutes actual deprivation and what's just making good, conscious choices. I pretty much always want something sweet, so when is having one "treating myself"? When is it giving in to my emotional food impulses? Why did I feel good about the chocolate cake I had after dinner on Tuesday, and not-good about the two cookies I had yesterday afternoon? Is pleasure the only motivation that matters/should matter? Is stress eating all that terrible? I just don't know.
Can't write much right now, but I wanted to say you mentioned something I've noticed as well. When we lose weight, we go into it assuming we'll be more satisfied with our bodies overall -- but instead we just fixate on different parts.
I wonder, do men see their bodies as collections of parts the way many women do? We hear in magazines all about how to improve this part or that part, but not how to be satisfied with the result, nor how to see our bodies as a whole.
Good question re: men. I think when I've heard men talk about their own bodies as a collection of parts, it's been much more matter-of-fact instead of fixating. Like, "I have a long torso," "I've always been hairy," "Yeah, I have chicken legs." I don't really hear a wish to change, at least beyond the expression itself.
I think the problem lies with women being seen as a collection of parts, both by ourselves and by men. I don't think most men actually see women as a collection of parts, but I think the discussion of women's bodies often gets broken down in that way.
I've known guys who've admitted dissatisfaction with their bodies, but it never (in my experience) takes the tone that women use, of failure or self-recrimination if they gain a couple pounds or are thin or have chicken legs.
Totally. Which is why being 100% free of any body hangups isn't really my goal; it's more to just look at whatever "flaws" may be there and be "meh" about them, instead of always feeling like there's something I could be doing or should be doing.
I feel like a closer correlation for men would be baldness. Not that there's self-reproach about baldness, but there's this fear and, for some men, shame that accompanies balding. I think there's an ultimate acceptance of it though too. Maybe it's closer to breast size--there's not much you can do to change it short of drastic measures, so after a while you just get used to what you have. (I say this as someone who is now, if not small-breasted, no longer as "blessed" as I was. And for a year or so it was hard, but now I'm just like, Hell, this is what I've got!)
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today i bought a treadmill off craig's list because this is going to be my year of dealing with my body issues. i don't even want to concentrate on lbs or dress sizes or anything. i just want to feel healthier. and ok...a single digit dress size would be a thrill
but i know what you mean about knowing better and still feeling like shit about yourself. you can only blah blah blah patriarchy, sexism, body image, so much....
but seriously, you're my hero for writing about all this.
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If you are female, you will get 1) gain weight 2) you're perfect 3) how much do you weigh? 4) you're tiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ZOMG!kj 5) and bitch, you better not look at my man. (yes, I got the look from the girl at starbucks. No I wasn't wearing anything revealing) 6) oh wait wait, let me guess your weight. NO! I could so totally bench you.
The thing that saddens me is the talk about me behind my back because they are not what I am, which is something I never asked for and cannot change.
Fantastic post again, plum. Funnily enough, it's similar to what I did today--I went outside, I went to the bookstore instead of obsessing over calories. It feels fucking good. I always feel blessed to have you amongst my friends because I very much enjoy learning from you.
Reply
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Yes.
It's so hard to be "good" about diet/exercise stuff without feeling consumed by it.
Reply
Reply
I wonder, do men see their bodies as collections of parts the way many women do? We hear in magazines all about how to improve this part or that part, but not how to be satisfied with the result, nor how to see our bodies as a whole.
Reply
I think the problem lies with women being seen as a collection of parts, both by ourselves and by men. I don't think most men actually see women as a collection of parts, but I think the discussion of women's bodies often gets broken down in that way.
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I feel like a closer correlation for men would be baldness. Not that there's self-reproach about baldness, but there's this fear and, for some men, shame that accompanies balding. I think there's an ultimate acceptance of it though too. Maybe it's closer to breast size--there's not much you can do to change it short of drastic measures, so after a while you just get used to what you have. (I say this as someone who is now, if not small-breasted, no longer as "blessed" as I was. And for a year or so it was hard, but now I'm just like, Hell, this is what I've got!)
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