funny how I don't know.
I spent the last half hour reading over old live journal entries from last summer. The whole time I was thinking, I am so different. But I don't feel like I am different. I remember last summer perfectly, I remember writing what I wrote, but now that I look back on it, I never saw the things this year was going to bring me. I look at the entries from last summer, especially the ones from Disney World and I want to get back in to my head at that moment. I want to know why I thought the things I did. (not all bad things, just thoughts in general)
I greatly resent the thoughts I had about the Disney World trip. I hate the way I felt about my sister, cousins, Grandmom, but especially my Granddad. If I would have known that come this March he wouldn't be around anymore I would have been so much more attentive on that trip. My Granddad was a man of so much wisdom. He had so much he wanted to teach me. I have been missing him a lot more lately. I just could have listened to him more and I regret not.
Before I just typed "I should have listened to him more..." and then I changed it to could. I could have listened more. But I didn't. This is like a line in my play from this summer that I always had trouble with. "If I were beautiful like her I could convince doctors, policemen, and record keepers to break rules and find out if my real dad was rich, then I could wear black stockings with a line up the back..." When ever I would say that line in rehearsal I always said "would" instead of "could" Louise always pointed that out to me. Beside the fact that "paraphrase-BAD, verbatim-GOOD" she said to me "Lots of people don't understand, I really do write every word for a reason." Each word that was written led to a certain character choice, and while one world doesn't seem that important, it really changes things. Especially with the word "could" It means things are there at your disposal and you didn't use it. "It's like my own personal revolution" heh. By the by, I am sorry I brought up my play again. It's just the fact that it really meant so much to me. It's hard to explain. It really was an amazing thing. To me it was so much more then just a "camp play". I worked my ass off, and so did the rest of team fate. Such an incredibly dedicated cast. There was a lot of free time with just me and my script, or Cristy and me and my script, or Jackie and Rachael working with Louise or Jessica, or everyone dancing. I missed a lot of free time that could have been spent with my bunk, and although it was time sorely missed, the outcome was amazing. As Fate Would Have It was the most important "assignment" I have ever been given. More then any school work, more then anything my parents had told me to do... I just wanted to do this piece justice, it meant a lot to me. I wish I was so dedicated with the rest of life. But it was amazing, not just the performance... the whole process, I'm proud to be apart of it.
Sorry for that digression. Last summer I would have never thought I would have become such good friends with people. I always had Sammie, but the fact that I made so many new friends is just amazing to me. You told me that three years ago at Baldwin and I would have laughed at you. It's weird that "fun summer Rachael" and "School Rachael" spliced into one. That has a big part to do with HTC. I thought it helped me come out of my shell last year, but it only cracked it open. This year I wasn't afraid to be me. The time spent with all of them has been, corrupting, fun, crazy, educational and always filled with love. I also feel so lucky to have gotten closer with Jen, Jill, Katie, Hannah and Alex (along with Sammie). Those girls mean the world to me. We have the best time together, and we can always think of a creative way to keep ourselves occupied, even if it's playing charades, cranium our being caught in 1776. I am so blessed to have this support net of people there when I need it, and this year when I needed people they were always there. And on top of Appel Farm people, I don't know if it can get much better.
But yet I am confused because I don't know what I want out of life. I know don't need to know where I am going yet, but I hate being led blindly into things, then again, isn't that what life is all about?
I don't know how to react when people tell me to "never change", never changing... wow, that's a big step to ask of a person. But then, I think of myself from last summer to this one and I don't think I changed. Not matured either. I just evolved. And I am going to keep on evolving, maybe one day that will lead to a major change, but that’s not now. Someone said to me once "Keep doing what you love and it will get you to nice places". I'm at a nice place now.