Rice and Beans. Beans and Rice.
New Years Eve in New York City. Definitely a success, somewhat, but it's difficult to tell. I have this blurry image of whatever success might be as a person. I wanted/want to be adventurous, to have naked emotions, to stare directly into people's eyes. That is what going out into New York City was for me. Getting out of the house. Throwing my knitting needles down and saying to hell with movies and couches and space heaters and suburbia. Hello to fluorecent-lit Mexican restaurants, crowded streets, Village bars, 'mingling.' But I found myself in the city, with still, doubts about every conversation.
What do you say to keep somoeone's attention or your own? What random thoughts should you actually blurt out? I would kiss someone new this New Years Eve. And something that I would beat myself up over at UR (kissing at a frat party) somehow turns romantic, exciting, brave, when it's in a bar in the village.
When I skip about the subject I can still keep up the disney feel: The closeness of a stranger. But in reality, to place a title on anything would instantly pull me back. I'll admit it. I shared resume information in conversation form with Shannon's possiblygay TA and he pulled me toward the center of the bar while we watched the ball drop together and then we kissed for maybe a minute. That first minute of 2005, with my lips pressed against a nice-smiled political science TA, who meant absolutely nothing to me. Which is perfectly fine. I do not feel guilty in the slightest and I didn't feel any loss when I glanced around to see him go, that the kiss meant as little to him as it did to me. I felt free and completely relaxed. Much in the same way I did when Holly kissed me.
She and the TA were both open with the situation. They acknowledged that it was just touching, no emotion, no regret needed. Add a cup of water, mix, and laugh because that was all it was. Instant closeness.
Earlier that night I felt smothered by both Dave and Doug. Dave - approached me with the usual question: Do you like me? Is there any chance between us? Should I just throw my hands up and say there is no chance. This is a perfectly hateful loaded question. Ridiculously easy to say No to. No - I do like you. I probably still, even though I might hate myself for it a bit, like everyone from high school - everyone I put on a sweater for. Everyone I struggled to imagine how I could get their attention. I am a serial crusher - but this does not mean that I can't be faithful. It just means, I think, that if you are on my list, to come up to me when we are 50 and say : So, you don't get happy when I enter the room anymore eh?...I'd have to say, nope, I'm still happy that you exist. Now being intoxicated, being sensitive - feeling cut by Doug - who was lurking around everywhere. I had no answer for Dave.
Somehow, the absence of Dave brough Doug and I into good terms...somewhat. Or maybe I'm just easily fooled. Maybe I accept any excuse, any story from him.
Right now I'm still wandering. I'm still fading a bit. But I feel like I have more of a chance here alone at home to sort things out.
"If the Pacific Ocean were filled with gin, what would be, in terms of proportionate volume, the proper lake of vermouth necessary to achieve a dry martini? I said Lake Ontario - but the answer was the Caspian Sea, which is called a sea but is a lake by definition." -Mark Leyner. Makes me think of Dan, who I miss.
Goodnight Moon.
What do you say to keep somoeone's attention or your own? What random thoughts should you actually blurt out? I would kiss someone new this New Years Eve. And something that I would beat myself up over at UR (kissing at a frat party) somehow turns romantic, exciting, brave, when it's in a bar in the village.
When I skip about the subject I can still keep up the disney feel: The closeness of a stranger. But in reality, to place a title on anything would instantly pull me back. I'll admit it. I shared resume information in conversation form with Shannon's possiblygay TA and he pulled me toward the center of the bar while we watched the ball drop together and then we kissed for maybe a minute. That first minute of 2005, with my lips pressed against a nice-smiled political science TA, who meant absolutely nothing to me. Which is perfectly fine. I do not feel guilty in the slightest and I didn't feel any loss when I glanced around to see him go, that the kiss meant as little to him as it did to me. I felt free and completely relaxed. Much in the same way I did when Holly kissed me.
She and the TA were both open with the situation. They acknowledged that it was just touching, no emotion, no regret needed. Add a cup of water, mix, and laugh because that was all it was. Instant closeness.
Earlier that night I felt smothered by both Dave and Doug. Dave - approached me with the usual question: Do you like me? Is there any chance between us? Should I just throw my hands up and say there is no chance. This is a perfectly hateful loaded question. Ridiculously easy to say No to. No - I do like you. I probably still, even though I might hate myself for it a bit, like everyone from high school - everyone I put on a sweater for. Everyone I struggled to imagine how I could get their attention. I am a serial crusher - but this does not mean that I can't be faithful. It just means, I think, that if you are on my list, to come up to me when we are 50 and say : So, you don't get happy when I enter the room anymore eh?...I'd have to say, nope, I'm still happy that you exist. Now being intoxicated, being sensitive - feeling cut by Doug - who was lurking around everywhere. I had no answer for Dave.
Somehow, the absence of Dave brough Doug and I into good terms...somewhat. Or maybe I'm just easily fooled. Maybe I accept any excuse, any story from him.
Right now I'm still wandering. I'm still fading a bit. But I feel like I have more of a chance here alone at home to sort things out.
"If the Pacific Ocean were filled with gin, what would be, in terms of proportionate volume, the proper lake of vermouth necessary to achieve a dry martini? I said Lake Ontario - but the answer was the Caspian Sea, which is called a sea but is a lake by definition." -Mark Leyner. Makes me think of Dan, who I miss.
Goodnight Moon.