Back in the know...
Everything is slowly piecing itself together. It's two o'clock in the afternoon and I just got out of sed.strat. Last night - a bad move, I stayed up an hour later grilling the eggplants that I got from the public market - which were threatening moldsuicide. Nastalgia from this summer hit hard while I was whisking (with a fork - weak) the balsamic vinaigrette. MAN. I totally marinated for an hour, and then grilled. I made a ridiculous mess and filled the whole floor with smells of catering - lemon juice, mustard, olive oil, 21 spices, salt pepper, sucked all of them into the eggplant and onions and BAM. the grilling commenced. I'm such a culinary dork.
So now I'm fading in and out of stick-to-itiveness...which is better than usual, when I'm just fading in and out of consciousness. Sleep just isn't worth it anymore. I can't even nap, which is really upsetting. I think it's Doug and my self-hate-stupidity. I need to be alone. If only to get real sleep. If only to feel truly good about myself. I will say that I'm not over someone from my past, which is the truth, but not the real reason I can't be with him. This is such high school shit. I was literally thinking of when to bring this up, when to begin the awkwardness and the questions and the apathetic - 'ok whatever, see you around I guess.' This is by far the most admitting journal entry since my last year drama. But anyway, I could come home and say - we broke up between first and second period, in the hallway, and it would almost be true. If we were breaking up, if there were periods, but without a doubt, in the real world, a hallway. That made sense to me. Sorry. I don't like myself enough to like him. And I don't believe he truly likes me. Little things like...blah blah conversation...then I say I'm going to leave...I need to get a signature...no pause...he says, yes I have to leave early to, I have to go make photocopies. No 'what is the signature for...' This is very silly to bring up, I know, but when it's a constant characteristic of conversation, and I'm already sensitive to word choice and eye contact...it becomes an issue. Something deeper than simple 'my mind is on something else.' Anyone can say to me - you are too sensitive, you should just like yourself and like him and be happy. But I can't. and I'm not going to. And I don't know if things could be simple when people are so different.
I really miss Sarah.
And now it's back to Anthro - Readings on West African Sufi tribes. I'm basking in my single creative-throught provoking class's work. And tonight it's pure sigh-ence. But I'm alright with that. I really do enjoy it and I don't think I'm wrong to be interested in rocks and earth processes. Defensive moment. Life is good despite any relationships problems, skin problems, weight problems, time committment problems, they are all minor. I'm happy. So thanks to everyone around me. - just like a little mini-friend-prayer, since maybe only one of them reads this. They are the quartz grains in my sandstone life.
With that sillyness I'll leave.
Shout out to Kevin. For being my huckabees wonderfulness.
- Brie.
So now I'm fading in and out of stick-to-itiveness...which is better than usual, when I'm just fading in and out of consciousness. Sleep just isn't worth it anymore. I can't even nap, which is really upsetting. I think it's Doug and my self-hate-stupidity. I need to be alone. If only to get real sleep. If only to feel truly good about myself. I will say that I'm not over someone from my past, which is the truth, but not the real reason I can't be with him. This is such high school shit. I was literally thinking of when to bring this up, when to begin the awkwardness and the questions and the apathetic - 'ok whatever, see you around I guess.' This is by far the most admitting journal entry since my last year drama. But anyway, I could come home and say - we broke up between first and second period, in the hallway, and it would almost be true. If we were breaking up, if there were periods, but without a doubt, in the real world, a hallway. That made sense to me. Sorry. I don't like myself enough to like him. And I don't believe he truly likes me. Little things like...blah blah conversation...then I say I'm going to leave...I need to get a signature...no pause...he says, yes I have to leave early to, I have to go make photocopies. No 'what is the signature for...' This is very silly to bring up, I know, but when it's a constant characteristic of conversation, and I'm already sensitive to word choice and eye contact...it becomes an issue. Something deeper than simple 'my mind is on something else.' Anyone can say to me - you are too sensitive, you should just like yourself and like him and be happy. But I can't. and I'm not going to. And I don't know if things could be simple when people are so different.
I really miss Sarah.
And now it's back to Anthro - Readings on West African Sufi tribes. I'm basking in my single creative-throught provoking class's work. And tonight it's pure sigh-ence. But I'm alright with that. I really do enjoy it and I don't think I'm wrong to be interested in rocks and earth processes. Defensive moment. Life is good despite any relationships problems, skin problems, weight problems, time committment problems, they are all minor. I'm happy. So thanks to everyone around me. - just like a little mini-friend-prayer, since maybe only one of them reads this. They are the quartz grains in my sandstone life.
With that sillyness I'll leave.
Shout out to Kevin. For being my huckabees wonderfulness.
- Brie.