sorry for the longness
so i may be running on very minimal sleep....but yah know, you just gotta get things out:
there's like three weeks left of school, and i've just hit my "i don't care" point... well actually that was a while ago, but it's continuing. and it really is showing in my grades and stuff, and usually i fake it really well. obviously i'm losing my touch. and i just received a call from my mom saying something screwy is happening w/ our financial aid, and if it's not reconciled we have to pay back the aide from the past two years. ugh, i'm like really trying to fight with myself to continue to like this school everyday....but it just seems like it keeps dicking me over. housing-- uh yeah, def was almost homeless; dance clubs/prgms-- has done an excellent job in making me think twice about my abilities; money-- i realize it wasn't the most practical choice to go here, but it's really scaring me now that graduation is approaching; friends-- falling outs here and there, back home and here....it's like grade school all over again
and this week is big/little week for us. don't ask me why, but i took a little. at first i was really iffy about it, but i'm really enjoying the planning and decorating and the loving notes from my little. however, there are downsides to everything. she is really getting annoying. she's really anal about a lot of stuff-- like leaving her room unlocked, for giving out her comp password (which i totally understand, but my big made me give mine, and honestly wtf would i do to her comp besides change the screensaver), and i found a guy to serenade her on the guitar tomorrow night, and she has the nerve to ask me to move it b/c she has an 8am. when i had my big/little week i had exams up the butt, but i still found time to accomadate my big. i just hate this "i have so much to do" "this is such a rough week" bullshit. you're not the only one, and like i seriously went outta my way to make this week super special...so fucking accept it. and i tried to tell one of her advisors, but obviously that dbag would rather take her side than his own brother. telling me that i should stop whining, uh excuse me....i don't have to go out of my way to make sure she gets all her faves, and i don't have to accomadate her (which i did), and i just really wanna get back at this bastard (aka joe). like everytime i talk to the kid it's really full of hate, but he just doesn't seem to get it. and he's just so "laid back" as he states, and i just wanna do something horrid to him. something totally abomidable. something that will make him think twice when he pulls stupid shit w/ me. something.....anything
i like the frat and everying, but a lot of ppl have really done a 180 on me....well not just me, brittany too. like it's to a point where i really don't enjoy it, unless my big/gbig or brittany's there. everyone else just totally, randomly become dbags. and you know i'm not the one to reconcile things first. but it kinda bothers me and i'm almost tempted to....but then i feel like i've lost. but if it really is bugging me, i should fix it....but WHY does it bother me? WHY do i always have stupid falling outs w/ ppl. is it me? do i not hold this long lasting friend gene? do ppl get sick of me? is it the happiness? or the fact that all i say is "yeah" and "okay". or they just get annoyed w/ putting up w/ me, cuz honestly, i really coudln't blame them.
finally, as if i did not have enough beef to stew in my mind....a good friend of mine brought up something really shocking. now for as long as i can remember, i treat everyone remotely the same (w/ my innuendos, implications, etc). and more or less ppl are accustomed to it and accept it. but never have i ever been called out on being somewhat non-heterosexual, which completely boggles my mind. and the more i hear their reasoning, the more paranoid i get. and to make matters worse, i told my roommate and she informed me that even last year a good amount of her friends asked if i was gay. now i like to say that i know myself better than anyone, and never has it ever occured to me that that is how i am suppose to be. for the past few years, i finally learned/grew to accept/love myself-- from my physicality to my mentality and blah blah -ty. and hearing such news, just really makes me even more self-conscious than i am. now i'm really iffy about the way i act around ppl b/c i don't wanna give off the wrong vibe or w/e. but then i feel by doing so, i am only reinforcing what they think....good lord, why can't things just be over.
there's like three weeks left of school, and i've just hit my "i don't care" point... well actually that was a while ago, but it's continuing. and it really is showing in my grades and stuff, and usually i fake it really well. obviously i'm losing my touch. and i just received a call from my mom saying something screwy is happening w/ our financial aid, and if it's not reconciled we have to pay back the aide from the past two years. ugh, i'm like really trying to fight with myself to continue to like this school everyday....but it just seems like it keeps dicking me over. housing-- uh yeah, def was almost homeless; dance clubs/prgms-- has done an excellent job in making me think twice about my abilities; money-- i realize it wasn't the most practical choice to go here, but it's really scaring me now that graduation is approaching; friends-- falling outs here and there, back home and here....it's like grade school all over again
and this week is big/little week for us. don't ask me why, but i took a little. at first i was really iffy about it, but i'm really enjoying the planning and decorating and the loving notes from my little. however, there are downsides to everything. she is really getting annoying. she's really anal about a lot of stuff-- like leaving her room unlocked, for giving out her comp password (which i totally understand, but my big made me give mine, and honestly wtf would i do to her comp besides change the screensaver), and i found a guy to serenade her on the guitar tomorrow night, and she has the nerve to ask me to move it b/c she has an 8am. when i had my big/little week i had exams up the butt, but i still found time to accomadate my big. i just hate this "i have so much to do" "this is such a rough week" bullshit. you're not the only one, and like i seriously went outta my way to make this week super special...so fucking accept it. and i tried to tell one of her advisors, but obviously that dbag would rather take her side than his own brother. telling me that i should stop whining, uh excuse me....i don't have to go out of my way to make sure she gets all her faves, and i don't have to accomadate her (which i did), and i just really wanna get back at this bastard (aka joe). like everytime i talk to the kid it's really full of hate, but he just doesn't seem to get it. and he's just so "laid back" as he states, and i just wanna do something horrid to him. something totally abomidable. something that will make him think twice when he pulls stupid shit w/ me. something.....anything
i like the frat and everying, but a lot of ppl have really done a 180 on me....well not just me, brittany too. like it's to a point where i really don't enjoy it, unless my big/gbig or brittany's there. everyone else just totally, randomly become dbags. and you know i'm not the one to reconcile things first. but it kinda bothers me and i'm almost tempted to....but then i feel like i've lost. but if it really is bugging me, i should fix it....but WHY does it bother me? WHY do i always have stupid falling outs w/ ppl. is it me? do i not hold this long lasting friend gene? do ppl get sick of me? is it the happiness? or the fact that all i say is "yeah" and "okay". or they just get annoyed w/ putting up w/ me, cuz honestly, i really coudln't blame them.
finally, as if i did not have enough beef to stew in my mind....a good friend of mine brought up something really shocking. now for as long as i can remember, i treat everyone remotely the same (w/ my innuendos, implications, etc). and more or less ppl are accustomed to it and accept it. but never have i ever been called out on being somewhat non-heterosexual, which completely boggles my mind. and the more i hear their reasoning, the more paranoid i get. and to make matters worse, i told my roommate and she informed me that even last year a good amount of her friends asked if i was gay. now i like to say that i know myself better than anyone, and never has it ever occured to me that that is how i am suppose to be. for the past few years, i finally learned/grew to accept/love myself-- from my physicality to my mentality and blah blah -ty. and hearing such news, just really makes me even more self-conscious than i am. now i'm really iffy about the way i act around ppl b/c i don't wanna give off the wrong vibe or w/e. but then i feel by doing so, i am only reinforcing what they think....good lord, why can't things just be over.