sorry for the longness...but it's been a few weeks
gillian was right...in hs we were always known as the "smart one" or the "dorky one" or "the fat one" or the gross one" or any unattractive names. but college changes things. ppl are now noticing who we are the way we want them to. and i can't help but feel like i need to make up for missed times. listening to everyone's experiences and stories makes me evaluate my life in a different way-- in a way that makes me feel like i haven't lived my life to the fullest. maybe that's why i've been going a lil insane...or rather smut-like? recently i've noticed my lack of standards, as my bffl pointed out. it's as if i'm this horny lil thing that just needs some, yah know? and i can't stop thinking about that one weekend. i look at it from a positive and negative perspective. positive as in, oh wow someone thinks i'm attractive (and not in the sense of how you tell your girlfriends they look hott, or a guy just to provoke him), but actual wow. negative in that we've been talking and i keep getting new information about him. more or less the girls he's tried to get with. thing is i know these girls, most of which i'm close with. and then i start comparing myself with them- they're prettier, or they're smarter, or they're more well endowed- and i feel like he's just settling with me b/c these girls wouldn't give it to him. they either had a bf, or thought he was "kid-like". and we've all known each other for the same amount of time, which just adds to me thinking, he's given up on them, and well here's the next best thing (me). it's not a good feeling i'll tell you that. and now he's constantly trying to get together again. and i can't decide if i want to or not. a part of me thinks yes, you need this, and finally someone will give it to you. and then i think no, what happened to your standards? your massive list of things a guy must have b4 he can sweep you off of your feet. then again, i highly doubt that boy exists. so why don't i settle too if he's settling. and it seems like i keep getting taken advantage of...but is it still called that if there's consent? who knows, i'm a lost lost cause :o(