(no subject)
And the other day while we were driving back to the hotel in Allentown, I got that old empty lonely feeling that I haven't gotten for a long long time. I didn't even get it when Mel died. I was just mad when melly died, frustrated. fuckers. Those fuckers who put her underground. I hate the fucking government. I hate bigotry. Fucking racists.
It felt funny. And it didn't go away. And I realized that there are few things that brush up against my skin now.
I'm not mad or sad or lonely or frustrated or depressed or tired or anything really. I'm just here I guess.
I hate how it made me though. I hate how I can't think right anymore. Sometimes I feel so morbid. Like, maybe I won't see you again after today cause something could happen. Or maybe there's a bomb and we're about to blow up. And it doesn't touch me exactly, and there aren't any more stupid tears to be squeezed out.
A few things though did.
One was that right after I found out about melly. I called Nick and he didn't pick up. And he is my best friend in the world. And it was the worst feeling ever. everything just kind of lurched and I couldn't stand that fucking uncertainty.
And that when I finally thought about it.
After TOO FUCKING LONG. it took me too long. Why did it take me so long to consider this?
Mourner's Kaddish. A jew thing.
At first I couldn't remember the words.
For a while.
And it made me sadder than it should have.
That is all for now. I think maybe I'll go to Jamie's and pretend to be amused.