life, guarded.
So, this summer, I've spent a fair chunk of time lifeguarding. This job is not revolutionary. It is not starting a revolution. Nor is it particularly rewarding. Yet, it does have its moments of... uniqueness.
A Short List of Things That Happen While Lifeguarding That I Doubt Would Happen Anywhere Else
1. Imagining people in their underwear seriously loses its thrill, as everyone is in their underwear, or less. (Sir, do you wear that ball sac--erm, speedo--because it's comfortable--and how the hell exactly is that comfortable--or the sole purpose of making my poor eyes bleed? Just wondering.)
2. While staring is normally taboo in The Normal World, in the wacky universe of lifeguarding, it is totally normal. Hell, it's beyond totally normal, as it's what we're getting paid to do. Thus, it is the perfect occupation for anyone who had a long history as of "Honey! Don't stare!" reprimands constantly coming from the embarrassed mothers of creepster children. I am one of the ex-creepster children, and let me tell you, it is a grand old time being able to stare unabashedly at the various folks talking, flirting, laughing, jumping, swimming, or doing whatever they are doing. I especially enjoy eavesdropping. '
(Tip to the uninformed: you want to make your local lifeguard happy? Have whatever juicy conversation you're having within earshot of their stand. They probably won't have any idea of who you're talking about, but you'll have done a mighty good deed.) (Speaking of which, why have anthropologists, desperate for a way to observe people, not jumped onto the lifeguard stand yet? C'mon! It's the perfect way to be invisible and observe people without, ya know, violating ethics or something.)
3. Picking up someone else's shit--and yes, I mean literal, actual, body excrement shit--is all in a day's work. In fact, it seems like every other day my work includes this. Not exactly a perk.
4. People listen to you when you yell random things at them. This is lovely for those of us who often feel like we constantly scream into an empty abyss (like this here blog?) or just enjoy feeling like we have the ability to influence other people's actions. This is dangerous when you're having a bad day. I swear, there are days when someone having a ball in the pool (against the rules) is enough to give me a sore throat for the next three days. And no, I'm not too embarrassed that my battle-cry is "NOOOOO BALLLLLLLLS IN THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL." It's cathartic.
5. While on the diving boards, the patrons regularly have contests to splash you. Thus, the phrase, "Did I get you wet yet?" from fifty year-old men is no longer creepy, bizarre, or unwanted. In fact, on a steamy day, I am known to reply, "I mean, you got me sort of wet, but I want to be soaking!" I feel like this is weird in other contexts.
A Short List of Things That Happen While Lifeguarding That I Doubt Would Happen Anywhere Else
1. Imagining people in their underwear seriously loses its thrill, as everyone is in their underwear, or less. (Sir, do you wear that ball sac--erm, speedo--because it's comfortable--and how the hell exactly is that comfortable--or the sole purpose of making my poor eyes bleed? Just wondering.)
2. While staring is normally taboo in The Normal World, in the wacky universe of lifeguarding, it is totally normal. Hell, it's beyond totally normal, as it's what we're getting paid to do. Thus, it is the perfect occupation for anyone who had a long history as of "Honey! Don't stare!" reprimands constantly coming from the embarrassed mothers of creepster children. I am one of the ex-creepster children, and let me tell you, it is a grand old time being able to stare unabashedly at the various folks talking, flirting, laughing, jumping, swimming, or doing whatever they are doing. I especially enjoy eavesdropping. '
(Tip to the uninformed: you want to make your local lifeguard happy? Have whatever juicy conversation you're having within earshot of their stand. They probably won't have any idea of who you're talking about, but you'll have done a mighty good deed.) (Speaking of which, why have anthropologists, desperate for a way to observe people, not jumped onto the lifeguard stand yet? C'mon! It's the perfect way to be invisible and observe people without, ya know, violating ethics or something.)
3. Picking up someone else's shit--and yes, I mean literal, actual, body excrement shit--is all in a day's work. In fact, it seems like every other day my work includes this. Not exactly a perk.
4. People listen to you when you yell random things at them. This is lovely for those of us who often feel like we constantly scream into an empty abyss (like this here blog?) or just enjoy feeling like we have the ability to influence other people's actions. This is dangerous when you're having a bad day. I swear, there are days when someone having a ball in the pool (against the rules) is enough to give me a sore throat for the next three days. And no, I'm not too embarrassed that my battle-cry is "NOOOOO BALLLLLLLLS IN THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL." It's cathartic.
5. While on the diving boards, the patrons regularly have contests to splash you. Thus, the phrase, "Did I get you wet yet?" from fifty year-old men is no longer creepy, bizarre, or unwanted. In fact, on a steamy day, I am known to reply, "I mean, you got me sort of wet, but I want to be soaking!" I feel like this is weird in other contexts.