beginner's guide to facebook sexuality
Okay, here's a scenario: you're at college, blithley wandering those tree-lined paths and ivy-covered brick buildings, when, oho!, a cutie walks by. You identify yourself as liking people of your own gender, so in your case, this "cutie" posesses the same sex-chromosones as you do. You smile half-heartedly, partly because you're awkward and partly because of The Problem: are they queerious too, or are they stuck on a hopelessly straight line?
Itching to find out, you scamper to the nearest computer and FacebookStalk your crushee. Since you two are in the same Network, and assuming your crushee isn't One Of Those People who are for *some* reason paranoid about FacebookStalkers and therefore has a Private Profile (always such a letdown!), you'll be good to go. So you wait there, picking at your cuticles and tapping your feet impatiently while the screen loads. Then, on the top of the page, you're hit with a slew of information: Birthday. Hometown. Network. And, smack in the middle, the Golden Ticket: "Interested In."
Beth's Attempt to Decode Facebook "Interested In" Sexuality (Girl Version): A Guide for Beginners
Profile 1: The Typical Straight Girl
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Interested In: Men
Analysis:
Better luck next time. Try converting the girl, possibly "show her the way" or make out with her while she's really drunk at a party ("Oh, me! I was just so drunk I couldn't keep my mouth off of your mouth! Whoopseedaisy!" Fake slur is key.) Otherwise, the best bet is probably to admire the lady from afar and move on.
Profile 2: The Straight Girl Tease
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Interested In: Men
Relationship Status: In a Relationship with
Jane Doe (New York, NY)
Analysis:
There's that careless, half-a-millisecond period when your eye catches the "In A Relationship" next to a female (!) name that your heart starts to flutter and your libido kicks up. And then, of course, you come back to your senses, see "Men" under "Interested In" and all those hormones come crashing down. The Tease is incredibly widespread, so don't be fooled. However, these fakeosity of these fauxlationships is usually a dead giveaway when they're "Engaged" or "Married To." It's the "In a Relationship with" ones, like above, that always are a set-up for a letdown. Related: The Ambigious Jokester.
Profile 3: Newbie, Questioning, Unsure, Lazy, Queer, or "None of Your Beeswax": The Ambiguious Left-It-Blankster
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Birthday: April 14
Analysis
Whaaa? What's that? The Facebook profile jumped from "Sex" to "Birthday"!! (That happens to be an excerpt from my very own profile, and I know it's the method of madness of many of you, too: yew_tree rocks it, as does jewcysarah, along with rabbimisa).So why the blank?
If life were grand, homophobia would be nonexistent, no one would do a double-take when two girls are kissing and holding hands on the street, and GSA's wouldn't have to exist. But that's not the reality, being gay/bi/queer/questioning is not the "norm" and therefore, Facebook Sexuality is way more complicated then you'd initally think, based on the seemingly straightforward "Interested In" preference. However, putting that, truthfully, you're interested in both "Men" and "Women" or just "Men" (if you're a guy) or just "Women" (if youi're a girl) may set off a deluge of unneceesary responses, both from the fag-haters (UR GAYYYY) and even just the mildly curious (YOU'RE gay?).
So, many have reverted to this oh-so-mysterious designation. And, if every single person who left their "Interested In" blank was doing it to hint that, yes, I do go both ways, or even just one way--to my own sex--then we'd probably be all fine and dandy.
Yet, some Blankers are straight, unabashedly so, they just don't care to promote it on Facebook. Fine. But, the problem comes when these Blankers are confused with the queer Blankers. Such drama! Of course, sometimes, you can tell. Ani DiFranco is usually a good sign on the girls' side for meaning behind the blank "Interested In," as I've observed. Perhaps spying a la The L Word in "Late, Later, Latent" is necessary, but this Blank is generally a better sign than the straight-labelled Facebooker in (1) and (2). Hope may exist! Just keep probing! (Is that dirty?)
Profile 4: The Ambigious Jokester
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Relationship Status: Engaged to
Jane Doe (New York, NY)
Birthday: Some Date
Analysis:
Like (2), this profile may, at times, be fake, espeically when paired with "Engaged to" or "Married to"--underlying the many roadblocks towards total gay marriage? However, sometimes the straight constituent of 3 (a "Blanker") will be "In a Relationship" or "Engaged" or "It's Complicate with" someone of his/her own sex. And here's where the complication comes in! Because sometimes that Blanker might be queer, in which case they aren't joking! Ye gods! What to do?! It's a tough case for all, and the straight Jokester/Tease is creating quite a mess.
Profile 5: The I-Wear-My-Bi/Gay-Heart-On-My-Sleeve
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Interested In: Women
Men
Analysis:
DINGDINGDING! Goldmine! You've landed an out-and-proud Facebooker! Rejoice, do some Kegels, watch a little L Word to get you in the mood, and grin for hours. These Facebookers--openly "Interested In" either "Women -- Men," "Men -- Women" or just "Women" (or just "Men" if you're a guy, of course) never cease to send a little wave of thrill through me.
The order of preference, is at times, finicky. For example, you might favor men over women, either based on preference or just "ease" (i.e. men are more available to hook up with if you're anywhere besides an all-women's college or a lesbian bar because they're the "default"). However, you may also be a feminist (as many bisexual women are) and thus feel strange about putting "Women" under "Men" in your preference. Hence, many of the bi profiles 've seen are like the one above, with "Women" above. Whatever suits the profiler, though is fine by me! (Fine bi me?) My hat--and pants?--goes off to each and every one of you bold Heart-On-Your-Profile-ers.
~~~
And so ends the, albeit somewhat condensed, Guide to Facebook Sexuality. Happy travels, all!
Itching to find out, you scamper to the nearest computer and FacebookStalk your crushee. Since you two are in the same Network, and assuming your crushee isn't One Of Those People who are for *some* reason paranoid about FacebookStalkers and therefore has a Private Profile (always such a letdown!), you'll be good to go. So you wait there, picking at your cuticles and tapping your feet impatiently while the screen loads. Then, on the top of the page, you're hit with a slew of information: Birthday. Hometown. Network. And, smack in the middle, the Golden Ticket: "Interested In."
Beth's Attempt to Decode Facebook "Interested In" Sexuality (Girl Version): A Guide for Beginners
Profile 1: The Typical Straight Girl
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Interested In: Men
Analysis:
Better luck next time. Try converting the girl, possibly "show her the way" or make out with her while she's really drunk at a party ("Oh, me! I was just so drunk I couldn't keep my mouth off of your mouth! Whoopseedaisy!" Fake slur is key.) Otherwise, the best bet is probably to admire the lady from afar and move on.
Profile 2: The Straight Girl Tease
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Interested In: Men
Relationship Status: In a Relationship with
Jane Doe (New York, NY)
Analysis:
There's that careless, half-a-millisecond period when your eye catches the "In A Relationship" next to a female (!) name that your heart starts to flutter and your libido kicks up. And then, of course, you come back to your senses, see "Men" under "Interested In" and all those hormones come crashing down. The Tease is incredibly widespread, so don't be fooled. However, these fakeosity of these fauxlationships is usually a dead giveaway when they're "Engaged" or "Married To." It's the "In a Relationship with" ones, like above, that always are a set-up for a letdown. Related: The Ambigious Jokester.
Profile 3: Newbie, Questioning, Unsure, Lazy, Queer, or "None of Your Beeswax": The Ambiguious Left-It-Blankster
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Birthday: April 14
Analysis
Whaaa? What's that? The Facebook profile jumped from "Sex" to "Birthday"!! (That happens to be an excerpt from my very own profile, and I know it's the method of madness of many of you, too: yew_tree rocks it, as does jewcysarah, along with rabbimisa).So why the blank?
If life were grand, homophobia would be nonexistent, no one would do a double-take when two girls are kissing and holding hands on the street, and GSA's wouldn't have to exist. But that's not the reality, being gay/bi/queer/questioning is not the "norm" and therefore, Facebook Sexuality is way more complicated then you'd initally think, based on the seemingly straightforward "Interested In" preference. However, putting that, truthfully, you're interested in both "Men" and "Women" or just "Men" (if you're a guy) or just "Women" (if youi're a girl) may set off a deluge of unneceesary responses, both from the fag-haters (UR GAYYYY) and even just the mildly curious (YOU'RE gay?).
So, many have reverted to this oh-so-mysterious designation. And, if every single person who left their "Interested In" blank was doing it to hint that, yes, I do go both ways, or even just one way--to my own sex--then we'd probably be all fine and dandy.
Yet, some Blankers are straight, unabashedly so, they just don't care to promote it on Facebook. Fine. But, the problem comes when these Blankers are confused with the queer Blankers. Such drama! Of course, sometimes, you can tell. Ani DiFranco is usually a good sign on the girls' side for meaning behind the blank "Interested In," as I've observed. Perhaps spying a la The L Word in "Late, Later, Latent" is necessary, but this Blank is generally a better sign than the straight-labelled Facebooker in (1) and (2). Hope may exist! Just keep probing! (Is that dirty?)
Profile 4: The Ambigious Jokester
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Relationship Status: Engaged to
Jane Doe (New York, NY)
Birthday: Some Date
Analysis:
Like (2), this profile may, at times, be fake, espeically when paired with "Engaged to" or "Married to"--underlying the many roadblocks towards total gay marriage? However, sometimes the straight constituent of 3 (a "Blanker") will be "In a Relationship" or "Engaged" or "It's Complicate with" someone of his/her own sex. And here's where the complication comes in! Because sometimes that Blanker might be queer, in which case they aren't joking! Ye gods! What to do?! It's a tough case for all, and the straight Jokester/Tease is creating quite a mess.
Profile 5: The I-Wear-My-Bi/Gay-Heart-On-My-Sleeve
What Facebook Says:
Sex: Female
Interested In: Women
Men
Analysis:
DINGDINGDING! Goldmine! You've landed an out-and-proud Facebooker! Rejoice, do some Kegels, watch a little L Word to get you in the mood, and grin for hours. These Facebookers--openly "Interested In" either "Women -- Men," "Men -- Women" or just "Women" (or just "Men" if you're a guy, of course) never cease to send a little wave of thrill through me.
The order of preference, is at times, finicky. For example, you might favor men over women, either based on preference or just "ease" (i.e. men are more available to hook up with if you're anywhere besides an all-women's college or a lesbian bar because they're the "default"). However, you may also be a feminist (as many bisexual women are) and thus feel strange about putting "Women" under "Men" in your preference. Hence, many of the bi profiles 've seen are like the one above, with "Women" above. Whatever suits the profiler, though is fine by me! (Fine bi me?) My hat--and pants?--goes off to each and every one of you bold Heart-On-Your-Profile-ers.
~~~
And so ends the, albeit somewhat condensed, Guide to Facebook Sexuality. Happy travels, all!