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Health Officials Warn of Expected Harryitis Outbreak
EVERYTOWN, USA -- In what some officials have predicted will escalate to be a "sweeping epidemic" by this Saturday, July 21, the highly-contagious virius Harryitis has begun to infect large numbers of Americans.
"The last time we saw an massive outbreak like this was in 2005," said one expert. "But this one is expected to topple all previous Harryitis epidemics. We're preparing for something like we've never seen before, I'm dead serioussirius.
Common symptoms of Harryitis include sudden inability to do anything besides bedrest, or specifically, reading. In the 2005 outbreak, millions of workers fell suddenly "ill" and felt they could do nothing besides sit and read. Other symptoms include fatigue to to all-nights spent reading, lack of concentration in everyday affairs, and eventual depression.
Public health official Dr. Ken Ihavitnow explained, "There are three typical stages to Harryitis: Obsession, Fatigue, and Depression." He continued, "Typically, in Obession, we see a total disregard for anything that is not somehow lightening-bolt-related or magical, as well as a total disregard for one's most necessary bodily functions, i.e. sleep, leading to Stage 2, Fatigue. The third stage, Depression, is most concerning to us." Dr. Ihavitnow cited the recent Star Ledger article on the subject, which described the distrubing and lasting effects of severeus Harryitis.
For emergency Harryitis relief, contact your local bookseller. Other remedies include reading books 1-6, waving around a stick pretending it is a wand, dressing up in a bathwizarding robes, and lots and lots of coffee.
Edit: This just in: Stephen King understands the full extent of Harryitis. This passage is particularly heart-wrenching:
"When it comes to Harry, part of me - a fairly large part, actually - can hardly bear to say goodbye. I'd guess that J.K. Rowling feels the same, although I'd also guess those feelings are mingled with the relief of knowing that the work is finally done, for better or worse.
And I'm a grown-up, for God's sake - a damn Muggle! Think how it must be for all the kids who were 8 when Harry debuted in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, with its cartoon jacket and modest (500 copies) first edition. Those kids are now 18 [hi!, Stephen King!], and when they close the final book, they will be in some measure closing the book on their own childhoods - magic summers spent in the porch swing, or reading under the covers at camp with flashlights in hand, or listening to Jim Dale's recordings on long drives to see Grandma in Cincinnati or Uncle Bob in Wichita. My advice to families containing Harry Potter readers: Stock up on the Kleenex. You're gonna need it."
EVERYTOWN, USA -- In what some officials have predicted will escalate to be a "sweeping epidemic" by this Saturday, July 21, the highly-contagious virius Harryitis has begun to infect large numbers of Americans.
"The last time we saw an massive outbreak like this was in 2005," said one expert. "But this one is expected to topple all previous Harryitis epidemics. We're preparing for something like we've never seen before, I'm dead serioussirius.
Common symptoms of Harryitis include sudden inability to do anything besides bedrest, or specifically, reading. In the 2005 outbreak, millions of workers fell suddenly "ill" and felt they could do nothing besides sit and read. Other symptoms include fatigue to to all-nights spent reading, lack of concentration in everyday affairs, and eventual depression.
Public health official Dr. Ken Ihavitnow explained, "There are three typical stages to Harryitis: Obsession, Fatigue, and Depression." He continued, "Typically, in Obession, we see a total disregard for anything that is not somehow lightening-bolt-related or magical, as well as a total disregard for one's most necessary bodily functions, i.e. sleep, leading to Stage 2, Fatigue. The third stage, Depression, is most concerning to us." Dr. Ihavitnow cited the recent Star Ledger article on the subject, which described the distrubing and lasting effects of severeus Harryitis.
For emergency Harryitis relief, contact your local bookseller. Other remedies include reading books 1-6, waving around a stick pretending it is a wand, dressing up in a bathwizarding robes, and lots and lots of coffee.
Edit: This just in: Stephen King understands the full extent of Harryitis. This passage is particularly heart-wrenching:
"When it comes to Harry, part of me - a fairly large part, actually - can hardly bear to say goodbye. I'd guess that J.K. Rowling feels the same, although I'd also guess those feelings are mingled with the relief of knowing that the work is finally done, for better or worse.
And I'm a grown-up, for God's sake - a damn Muggle! Think how it must be for all the kids who were 8 when Harry debuted in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, with its cartoon jacket and modest (500 copies) first edition. Those kids are now 18 [hi!, Stephen King!], and when they close the final book, they will be in some measure closing the book on their own childhoods - magic summers spent in the porch swing, or reading under the covers at camp with flashlights in hand, or listening to Jim Dale's recordings on long drives to see Grandma in Cincinnati or Uncle Bob in Wichita. My advice to families containing Harry Potter readers: Stock up on the Kleenex. You're gonna need it."