Fair and Balanced
It seems to me that this dorm is overrun by liberal sentiment, so I decided that I needed to try to balance it out a little bit. It took me a little while to think about how I could do this, but then I had a vision. What is the greatest, fairest, richest, most beautiful news station in all the land? Why, Fox News of course. And who is Fox News' most beautiful mensch (not that I like Jews or anything) of a news analyst? That could be no one other than the heroic Bill O'Reilly! So, without further ado, I give you...
A Tribute to Bill O'Reilly
Most liberal nuts think that Bill O'Reilly is just a typical rich-beyond-any-man's-imagination Republican, looking out for only himself and doing anything he can to keep the little man down. Well, maybe they're right, but what they don't know is that Bill had to overcome so much on his way to the top. And the top is where Bill O'Reilly resides. He has the Number One Cable News Program in the Entire World. People with extreme epilepsy watch Bill O'Reilly just so they can say that they were thrown violently into seizure by the brilliance of the greatest man in television. Even Blind, Deaf people watch Bill O'Reilly daily. They pick up his awesomeness through vibrations in the air, and O how sweet those vibrations are. Speaking of vibrations, have you ever heard the story about Howard Stern inducing an orgasm in a woman who was sitting on one of her speakers? Well, Bill O'Reilly routinely forces his entire audience into orgasmic pleasure on his show, "The O'Reilly Factor." And here's the kicker: most of them don't even have high-end surround sound speakers to masturbate with. They just sit and watch and unexpectedly explode in their pants because of the brilliance of this man.
But I digress. I am here to tell you the inspiring story of Bill O'Reilly's past, not these obvious facts of his brilliance which most of you already know.
Anyway, little Billy was born a mutant with no legs in the projects of Southside Chicago. His mother, a Yiddish Mexican prostitute with three nipples, abandoned young O'Reilly in a trashcan on the day of his birth, and Billy was only able to survive because of all the discarded Cisco wine drink in there with him. The high-calorie beverage easily sustained Mr. O'Reilly's needs. After spending almost a week in his trash can, Billy was taken to the city dump. There, he was able to find all sorts of things to fit his living needs. In fact, he managed to live quit comfortably in the dump, a place where anything anyone could ever imagine in their wildest dreams can be found. Yes, things went quite well indeed for Billy in the dump. It was there that he met his best and only friend, a magical unicorn named Jonathon.
However, after a few years there, trouble started to brew for the O'Reilly toddler. See, Billy was falling in love with his magical unicorn pal, but Jonathon didn't like Bill that way. Every night, Bill would masturbate thinking about Johnny and cry himself to sleep afterward. It was a very terrible situation, being stuck permanently in the "Friends-Only" section of Jonathon's list of acquaintances. To top it off, a new group of minorities had moved into the dump. At first they kept to themselves, but one night, one of these ethnic fellows started begging to Billy for all of his worldly possessions. Billy, who had survived solely through his own actions, found this behavior disgusting, and this is when he started to develop his good, moral Republican beliefs. He had no tolerance for these dumpster people who were moving in on his turf, and he would stay up every night discussing why the beggars were so horrible with his friend Johnny.
Finally, Billy decided to do something, and in one beautiful night of ethnic cleansing, he rid the entire dumpster of the poor urchin trash that bothered him so much.
Billy was getting older though, and he was increasingly wrought by feelings of dissatisfaction. He wanted something better than his dumpster life. Also, things were not going well with Johnny. The unicorn had found a soulmate in a young Al Franken, and Bill had grown very bitter toward his friend because of this union. He started to nurture a deep, furious hatred for his best friends lover as well, but he didn't want to hurt Johnny, so he decided it would be best if he left.
www.BillOReilly.com says "Bill O'Reilly holds a degree in History from Marist College, a Master's in Broadcast Journalism from Boston University and another Master's Degree in Public Administration from Harvard's Kennedy School of Government." One might ask, "How did a completely uneducated dumpster child get so many degrees?" Well, he didn't. All of Bill's degrees are fakes, masterfully crafted from cardboard boxes and feces. Inspired by his excellent kraftwerk, Bill decided to make himself a pair of legs as well. These he fashioned out of ketchup and sausage biscuits. They too were great pieces of work. With his new degrees and sexy legs, the entire world was open to O'Reilly. All he had to do to get anything he wanted was flash those degrees. Billy was living the life of luxury, rolling down easy street, offering men money to sleep with him and then laughing as he grabbed his cash off of the headboard and ran into the night.
Things quickly went wrong for Bill, however. A group of savage, extremist liberals ran the town he was living in, and they didn't like the way Bill was treating their male escorts. They tracked O'Reilly down and sodomized him repeatedly, then left him for dead. It was this moment that solidified his vicious hatred for all things liberal. An interesting sidenote to this part of the story is that the repeated reaming Bill received left him able to spread his gaping anus up to four inches in diameter. There is a very famous picture on the internet of him holding his cheeks open to give everyone a view of the bottomless pit that his ass has become. Perhaps you've seen it?
Many men would have died if what happened to Bill had happened to them. But O'Reilly was strong. Very strong. In fact, he was probably strong enough to have fought off the weak, liberal sodomites who attacked him, but then he wouldn't be able to do that neat trick with his asshole. He kept himself alive by preaching the Conservative word to the people of the town, and because of his beautiful face, his vast sea of charisma, and his brilliant rhetoric, Mr. O'Reilly was quickly able to form a liberal-hatin' mob large enough to get rid of those who wronged him. Bill destroyed the filthy lefties and took over the town in a sweep of sensationalism.
A young Rupert Murdoch caught wind of Bill and what he had done. Rupert had a revolutionary idea to create a 24-hour news channel without any liberal bias. He wanted a fair and balanced news channel that conservatives could watch without being subjected to the left's rampant propaganda machines. Rupert knew that for his station to work, he would need a great man with impeccable rhetoric and a passion for denouncing All Things Liberal and Wrong. He phoned Bill, begging him to come host a television show on the Fox News Network. O'Reilly, seeing this as an opportunity to spread his message of truth, quickly agreed. I don't need to tell you guys what happened next. Everyone in the entire country has been watching The O'Reilly Factor since it came out. You all know how great the show is.
Bill O'Reilly: Beautiful, Moral, Always Right (O double entendres...), Genius, and a true example of the American Hero. This is a man that literally pulled himself out of the dumpster and through his own wits and determination became one of the greatest successes in our entire nation, second only to President George W. Bush.
Bill O'Reilly, I salute you!
A Tribute to Bill O'Reilly
Most liberal nuts think that Bill O'Reilly is just a typical rich-beyond-any-man's-imagination Republican, looking out for only himself and doing anything he can to keep the little man down. Well, maybe they're right, but what they don't know is that Bill had to overcome so much on his way to the top. And the top is where Bill O'Reilly resides. He has the Number One Cable News Program in the Entire World. People with extreme epilepsy watch Bill O'Reilly just so they can say that they were thrown violently into seizure by the brilliance of the greatest man in television. Even Blind, Deaf people watch Bill O'Reilly daily. They pick up his awesomeness through vibrations in the air, and O how sweet those vibrations are. Speaking of vibrations, have you ever heard the story about Howard Stern inducing an orgasm in a woman who was sitting on one of her speakers? Well, Bill O'Reilly routinely forces his entire audience into orgasmic pleasure on his show, "The O'Reilly Factor." And here's the kicker: most of them don't even have high-end surround sound speakers to masturbate with. They just sit and watch and unexpectedly explode in their pants because of the brilliance of this man.
But I digress. I am here to tell you the inspiring story of Bill O'Reilly's past, not these obvious facts of his brilliance which most of you already know.
Anyway, little Billy was born a mutant with no legs in the projects of Southside Chicago. His mother, a Yiddish Mexican prostitute with three nipples, abandoned young O'Reilly in a trashcan on the day of his birth, and Billy was only able to survive because of all the discarded Cisco wine drink in there with him. The high-calorie beverage easily sustained Mr. O'Reilly's needs. After spending almost a week in his trash can, Billy was taken to the city dump. There, he was able to find all sorts of things to fit his living needs. In fact, he managed to live quit comfortably in the dump, a place where anything anyone could ever imagine in their wildest dreams can be found. Yes, things went quite well indeed for Billy in the dump. It was there that he met his best and only friend, a magical unicorn named Jonathon.
However, after a few years there, trouble started to brew for the O'Reilly toddler. See, Billy was falling in love with his magical unicorn pal, but Jonathon didn't like Bill that way. Every night, Bill would masturbate thinking about Johnny and cry himself to sleep afterward. It was a very terrible situation, being stuck permanently in the "Friends-Only" section of Jonathon's list of acquaintances. To top it off, a new group of minorities had moved into the dump. At first they kept to themselves, but one night, one of these ethnic fellows started begging to Billy for all of his worldly possessions. Billy, who had survived solely through his own actions, found this behavior disgusting, and this is when he started to develop his good, moral Republican beliefs. He had no tolerance for these dumpster people who were moving in on his turf, and he would stay up every night discussing why the beggars were so horrible with his friend Johnny.
Finally, Billy decided to do something, and in one beautiful night of ethnic cleansing, he rid the entire dumpster of the poor urchin trash that bothered him so much.
Billy was getting older though, and he was increasingly wrought by feelings of dissatisfaction. He wanted something better than his dumpster life. Also, things were not going well with Johnny. The unicorn had found a soulmate in a young Al Franken, and Bill had grown very bitter toward his friend because of this union. He started to nurture a deep, furious hatred for his best friends lover as well, but he didn't want to hurt Johnny, so he decided it would be best if he left.
www.BillOReilly.com says "Bill O'Reilly holds a degree in History from Marist College, a Master's in Broadcast Journalism from Boston University and another Master's Degree in Public Administration from Harvard's Kennedy School of Government." One might ask, "How did a completely uneducated dumpster child get so many degrees?" Well, he didn't. All of Bill's degrees are fakes, masterfully crafted from cardboard boxes and feces. Inspired by his excellent kraftwerk, Bill decided to make himself a pair of legs as well. These he fashioned out of ketchup and sausage biscuits. They too were great pieces of work. With his new degrees and sexy legs, the entire world was open to O'Reilly. All he had to do to get anything he wanted was flash those degrees. Billy was living the life of luxury, rolling down easy street, offering men money to sleep with him and then laughing as he grabbed his cash off of the headboard and ran into the night.
Things quickly went wrong for Bill, however. A group of savage, extremist liberals ran the town he was living in, and they didn't like the way Bill was treating their male escorts. They tracked O'Reilly down and sodomized him repeatedly, then left him for dead. It was this moment that solidified his vicious hatred for all things liberal. An interesting sidenote to this part of the story is that the repeated reaming Bill received left him able to spread his gaping anus up to four inches in diameter. There is a very famous picture on the internet of him holding his cheeks open to give everyone a view of the bottomless pit that his ass has become. Perhaps you've seen it?
Many men would have died if what happened to Bill had happened to them. But O'Reilly was strong. Very strong. In fact, he was probably strong enough to have fought off the weak, liberal sodomites who attacked him, but then he wouldn't be able to do that neat trick with his asshole. He kept himself alive by preaching the Conservative word to the people of the town, and because of his beautiful face, his vast sea of charisma, and his brilliant rhetoric, Mr. O'Reilly was quickly able to form a liberal-hatin' mob large enough to get rid of those who wronged him. Bill destroyed the filthy lefties and took over the town in a sweep of sensationalism.
A young Rupert Murdoch caught wind of Bill and what he had done. Rupert had a revolutionary idea to create a 24-hour news channel without any liberal bias. He wanted a fair and balanced news channel that conservatives could watch without being subjected to the left's rampant propaganda machines. Rupert knew that for his station to work, he would need a great man with impeccable rhetoric and a passion for denouncing All Things Liberal and Wrong. He phoned Bill, begging him to come host a television show on the Fox News Network. O'Reilly, seeing this as an opportunity to spread his message of truth, quickly agreed. I don't need to tell you guys what happened next. Everyone in the entire country has been watching The O'Reilly Factor since it came out. You all know how great the show is.
Bill O'Reilly: Beautiful, Moral, Always Right (O double entendres...), Genius, and a true example of the American Hero. This is a man that literally pulled himself out of the dumpster and through his own wits and determination became one of the greatest successes in our entire nation, second only to President George W. Bush.
Bill O'Reilly, I salute you!