Decadence At Its Best - Oneshot
Title: Decadence At Its Best
Chapters: Oneshot
Pairings: Kai/Luhan, minor Sehun/Luhan, minor female OCs/Kai
Rating: NC-17
Genre: AU, angst, romance.
Warnings: explicit scenes, drug use, minor heterosexual intimate contact (yes, that is a warning lol).
Summary: One sided love can make you do crazy things, and Kai is about to learn a lesson or two about the pursuit of happiness (and that one special person he wants).
a/n: uploaded from my AFF account.
Tits are nice, Kai thinks. They are soft, and round, and easy to hold, and full. It's not too complicated, he just needs to grab them and knead them a few times until the girl moans in pleasure, and there's not much more to it. It's so simple. It needs no thinking and no manual, and that's how it should be. Kai likes simple.
He likes the cheap but flashy clothes girls wear and their dollar store perfume. The stuck on extra-long lashes and the killer heals. They smell sweet, like sickening candy that has expired some three-four centuries ago, and have long sharp nails that can scratch away at his back and leave marks. He likes the marks, they can sting for days, and they leave small crescents that look like little moons.
The girls grind against him wantonly when he run's his hand down their naked backs, and they spill annoying but addictively cheap words as he pushes against them. Porn litany, at its best.
"Fuck yeah, baby, harder!"
Their dirty mouths usually match their filthy lady bits, used and used over and over again. But Kai doesn't mind, not really, not now. It's a quick fix and it pays off best.
He can't remember her name, but she's good at giving head and does moderately to very hot things with her tongue. Kai likes the taste of her sticky, glossy lips, artificial and overpowering, and how they are able to fully distract him from anything. Her eyelashes are violently clumped together and the glitter from her eyelids is falling all over her face and on his clothes and he almost feels suffocated by the attack. She smells so strongly of flowers and pink, clouds on clouds of perfume, and her eyes are painted so black she looks like a mutilated raccoon.
Her legs are easy enough to spread though, soft and yielding, and he enters her easily, one swift push and then in and out. She's wet and loose, a mediocre lay at best, but nothing to complain about. Her breasts move backwards and forwards in time with his thrusts, and her glossy lips -that are hardly glossy anymore- whine out embarrassing encouragements.
"Oooh yeah, right there!"
Kai doesn't know how many people he's fooling, but he sure as hell is fooling himself. He thinks so. Getting laid feels good as far as he's concerned. If he can remember it.
Nothing stops him though, from imagining someone else under him, beautiful and pale. Sometimes he closes his eyes and pretends it's the two of them, making love on his bed, but then the girl whines about how gentle he's being and how she loves his big dick and wants him to drill her into the mattress harder, and he has to go back to fucking her hard and stopping himself from puking in her mouth.
Sometimes he asks them to shut up, and they seem offended but he doesn't care. At least a part of his fragile illusion can live better. Then he remembers that the person he wants there would never feel so loose and plump and be thrusting down against him for more, so fucking greedy and selfish and needy. That person would never even want him.
Whatever, he thinks at least the girls are there. Sometimes he pays, sometimes any random horny bitch follows him home. He never stops them. Their sticky lips and easy access are too addictive and give him that sliver of happiness he craves like a quenched man.
Feed me, feed me, feed me, he says; then they do.
"You like that, baby?" They ask. It's annoying, but keep going, he thinks. He likes that.
"You like that tight pussy?"
Your pussy's not tight, but it'll do, thanks.
Sometimes he feels like he's in a porno, ironically laughing at himself as he parodies sex and his simple life. When they're gone, he picks up a cigarette from his drawer, and lights it in a deep breath, the smoke filling his lungs nicely, and he can finally relax.
There are still sparkles on his pillow and wet spots on the bed, and furious red lipstick smudged along his neck and mouth, and he feels gross, but oddly satisfied. The smell of sweat and sex far outdoes the flow of nicotine, but combined they fuck up his brain in the sweetest way.
-
He has an addiction and he knows it, because this new drug his "friend" gave him makes him feel happy for a few moments only to have him pay the price afterwards. This has never happened before, and despite the euphoria of the moment, he knows that it's bad. He has never had broken bottles slicing the skin of his feet while he walks around the room feeling as though he is flying. He has never had the urge to leap off the balcony just to see if he would float like he is floating now.
A small part of him knows that he can no longer control this urge, this need to take those pills that will make him forget everything. That part of him is also trying to fill a painfully empty hole, but he doesn’t tell anyone this.
He hears another crash and momentarily looks back to realize that somewhere along his blurred line of thinking, he has grabbed the ashtray and smashed it against the mirror. He sees his reflection on the jagged pieces of glass and all he ever notices are the dark circles under his eyes and the messy hair, only his perception is distorted more and he feels disgusted at his reflection. Ugly piece of shit.
As he finally finds his way to the bed, he wonders how he will fix this when he wakes up. When the new day arrives and his eyes are opened, there will be an unbearable amount of pain clutching his chest because of the after effects of that thing that gave him so much pleasure. His vision will be clear, but he will no longer feel like he is floating. He will feel the stinging pain of his cut and bruised feet and notice the pieces of everything he’d left last night.
He’s not too worried, it doesn't matter much anyways.
As his fingers clutch the pillow tightly, he turns and closes his eyes while he slowly drifts off.
He doesn't need anyone to wake him if he doesn't wake in the morning. It would probably be better that way.
-
Luhan only cares about one person, and it’s not Kai. It’s not Kai and it fucking hurts.
"Fuck you, Sehun. You're such an ugly fucking piece of shit." Kai spits out, and Sehun's mouth goes wide open in shock.
"Kai, you're fucking drunk-"
"Yeah? Well I hope you fucking die, you hear me? Look me in the eyes and tell me if I'm fucking lying to you, you pathetic asshole."
"Kai, what the fuck-"
"You and your dumb boyfriend. Maybe next time you shouldn't fuck Luhan so hard in the ass that he can't even fucking stand at a party. Actually, never mind. I bet he was begging for it. Bet he wanted your dick so bad that he was gagging to get a taste of it like the little cockwhore he-"
A split second delay, and then, bang. Right in the face. He'd never expected it, especially not from Sehun. Kai had never even thought Sehun had enough power in him to land even a decent hit, but he was wrong. He should have expected it, Sehun being a built athlete and all, but the thought must've slipped his mind. It fucking hurts.
He feels himself lying on the ground, nose burning like a motherfucker, and something hot is pouring out of it. It's like his head has been sliced open, from both sides. His face aches and his upper lip feels like it had been split, numb and swollen. He can't really see much. All his alcohol-soaked mind can do is conjure up a fleeting image of Luhan and then blur it out just for good measure. It isn’t until he blinks twice that he realizes Sehun is still standing there over him, looming, raging, like a fucking bull. Kai doesn't get what his problem is. Sehun doesn't have any fucking problems.
"Don't you EVER talk about Luhan like that! Fuck. I should just off you. You're just a no-good-junkie waste of space, fucking taking it out on everyone else." Kai has never seen Sehun so angry before, and it kind of sucks to be on the receiving end the first time he decides to blow a proper fuse. "You know you've been scaring the shit out of Luhan lately? He doesn't know what to do anymore, because you keep fucking yourself over! He just wants to fucking help you!"
"Yeah? Well it's not like I can talk to him because he's too busy getting your cock shoved up his ass!"
There's a moment of silence in which Sehun just shakes his head, looking like he's given up, and Kai looks on, determined not to feel guilty. "Fucking hell Kai. Maybe...maybe I do like him, but that doesn't give you the right to be a fucking asshole."
Fuck. Kai's suspicions...they were just confirmed. It was fucking true. He couldn’t believe it. Well, this is what he'd thought all along, but hearing it out loud just sounds so bitter. He didn't have the right to be an asshole? Sehun has been dragging Luhan along for years while Kai has been suffering but WHO THE FUCK CARES.
"Fuck you. And I'm not fucking anything up. You're fucking everything up."
"How am I fucking everything up?" Sehun yells. Kai just remains silent, too angry to say anything that can suffice as a representation of his feelings. Sehun sighs. "Whatever, man. I don't care anymore. Just stay the fuck away from Luhan so you don't upset him. He's worrying himself sick over you, and you don't even deserve it."
He stays on the ground as Sehun walks away, his head swimming from the alcohol. The world sort of spins a little bit, but he likes the feeling. It's a sort of feeling of uncertainty, up and down and away he goes, and up comes his measly dinner. He didn't like pop-tarts anyways.
-
The cigarette packs finish like fucking lightening when he comes to a point in his life where he realizes Luhan would never have been his to begin with.
"Kai, I...I'm so sorry." Luhan mumbles, and he's crying now, tears pouring down his cheeks, nose sniffing and all. The drops are hitting Kai's scruffy carpet, saturating what's left of material and creating dark patches that contrast with the usual sickly yellow colour.
Kai just looks at him and isn't sure whether he should hit a wall, or hit Luhan, or hit himself. He settles for none of the above, and just tries to keep himself from doing something stupid, because he feels like that's something he would do. Especially when he's not exactly sober, even though he's more sober than he's been in weeks. Especially when Luhan decides to fuck with his horrifically unstable emotions, pulling all sort of triggers. Before he can say anything in reply, Luhan's beat him to it and looks up at him hesitantly.
Why would he leave this town, why now?
"It's...it's even h-harder for me to do this, because I-...I've always...since we were small...I've kind of..." Kai just stands still as he talks, not sure what to expect, just trying to still the painful ringing in his head somehow before it bursts. "Fuck, you're gonna hate me. You know...I've l-liked you. 'Liked you' liked you. But you changed...I never wanted you to hurt yourself, Kai. I was scared that if I said something, you'd hate me, and then you would do something stupid and-...well I just...needed to say it. I've always...I-I mean you were always..."
What?
Kai's heart stops for a second and instead of feeling miserable and upset, he's suddenly feeling angry, and frustrated, and completely helpless. He's messed up from before, but now he doesn't even really know what his feelings are doing. Usually it's a longing, but now he's sort of laughing on the inside, darkly, at how fucking hilarious this is, but then the mocking laughter of irony leaves behind and empty hole that kinda itches and burns a little bit, and he feels numb.
"Fuck, Luhan..." He breathes, not sure if Luhan can hear him or not. It isn't really meant for him, it's more for himself. Like he's tasting how his name feels rolling off the tip of his tongue, if it's different somehow. It isn't, really. It's still the same.
He's angry, because Luhan could have told him earlier, and then he could have made sure Luhan never even considered leaving. He wouldn't even be this mess in the fucking first place. He's upset, because Luhan feels like he has to hide his feelings and throw away what they had together all because of him and his stupid mistakes and now he needs to get away. Or go to college, same thing. He's furious, because he absolutely doesn't want Luhan to start a new life without him, and he doesn't want to give up on the one good thing he's had in life. For some reason, he's just fucking furious.
"Well...if I can't have you, no one can," Kai says shakily, fists balling and water building up in his eyes, threatening to spill if Luhan says anything more about loving or leaving him. He's even scaring himself, but the monster inside him won't go away.
He looks up at Luhan, piercing his eyes with his feelings of betrayal, and anger, and sadness, until seconds later, without realizing it, he's pushed the smaller backwards onto his bed roughly, catching each of his wrists in his hands and pinning them above his head.
"I'm going to ruin you for anyone else," he mutters into Luhan's face, sounding desperate and broken, no more than he feels, and it hurts to hear his own voice, but fuck that because Luhan's beneath him.
There's a look of guilt and surprise on the smaller's face, and he doesn't do anything to stop Kai as he moves down and muffles a sob against Luhan's mouth, crawling further on top of him like some hungry fucking animal. Kai the pervert, Kai the goddamn rapist and crack addict, right?
Luhan's mouth tastes salty because of tears, but his lips are so soft and like velvet and fucking amazing and Kai is sure that if he were to have another addiction, it would be kissing Luhan. Fuck, he likes it. Not sticky and sick, but perfect and pure, and forbidden.
He pulls up Luhan's shirt and holds him tighter, avoiding the smaller's eyes. He bends down to suck on Luhan's neck and grips his jaw and dives further in to kiss him, hard enough to bruise. When he pulls back, Luhan has a look of fear laced with sympathy on his face, and looks up at Kai with those big, brown eyes that look hopeless and defeated.
"T-take care of yourself, Kai. Please," he murmurs desperately, reaching up a hand to touch his cheek gently. Luhan is warm. His touch feels good, but Kai can't really feel it. It's like his right cheek has numbed somehow, and it's either white hot or ice cold. "When I'm gone-"
Kai shuts him up with a furious kiss, biting at Luhan's lips. He pulls at his hair to swallow him more.
"Stop talking bullshit. Selfish bastard," he growls into Luhan's ear when he's pulled away, and yanks Luhan's pants zipper down, pulling at his jeans roughly and running his hands down his body.
He's furious, seeing red. Maybe it's the drugs. Maybe he's just going fucking crazy. He feels like committing murder, but he also feels like drowning. The ecstasy of either would give him some fucking peace.
He leaves bruises, and scratches, and when he finally has Luhan fully naked, he moves down and without any warning, without any excuse, pushes a finger into him, completely inside him. Dry and forced. Luhan's reaction is the only thing that can please him.
Luhan doesn't say anything, but Kai can feel him stop breathing, and buck in pain. He holds on to Kai's back with finger nails digging into his skin, and cries silently, shaking. The nails don’t make crescents but leave nice, red streaks.
"I'm sorry," Luhan whispers over and over again, and Kai knows he means it, but each time he says it, Kai becomes angrier and angrier and more and more upset, moving faster, pushing his digit into Luhan harder, yanking his own pants down faster, moving against him at full speed, like he's on enhanced exhilaration. Speed drugs and heroin. Chemistry at its best.
Kai likes the feeling of their skin against each other, the soft and untouched of Luhan's against the rough and slightly worn of his own. He likes the texture. He likes the intimacy. He likes the heat he feels, but no more than he likes burning the tips of fingers with cigarettes. It's so hot it scorches, the friction giving off some sort of pain. Kinetic malfunctioning at its best. Or worst. He's not sure. He doesn't want to be sure.
He kisses Luhan again. Luhan's eyes are open, gazing into his, fresh trails of tears lining the sides of his face and making Kai even more upset. He grinds down so that he can change the look on Luhan's face, and after a few minutes of pushing their bodies together, Luhan's eyes become glazed over and his cheeks are invaded by a heavy rose colour, and this suits him better. This is the Luhan he has longed to see, wanting him, needing him; like this.
Releasing Luhan's mouth, satisfied with the older's silence, Kai laps at the bruised lips, running his fingers up and down quivering sides. Skin white as milk gives under his hands and Kai had to resist the urge for whatever reason to shove his nails into the pliable flesh.
What the fuck is happening to him, because he's not sure. Maybe he's on acid. He can still make out Luhan's beautiful face, so he doesn't mind. He wants that beautiful face, that silky voice. Growling low, he suckles at one of the boy's nipples, beginning to slowly rotate his hips, sharp eyes flashing up to fluttering lashes as he adds another finger to push further in to the hilt. He lifts Luhan's legs, pushing the back of his knees until he's bent double. Finally brown eyes come fully open, a dizzy haze muddling more of the morose worry from before.
"Luhan, I need you." Kai whispers, voice an intimate hush against the other's cheek. "You fucking...if you knew what you do to me...It's scary what I will do for you. What I do because of you. I want you to be happy, really. Just...not without me. They can't have you if I can stop it, okay?"
He speaks softer to him now, but only for precaution. He does sound crazy, he concludes. Luhan doesn't give a verbal response, his hand just grips tighter at Kai's muscled bicep, breathing irregularly. Kai doesn't wait any longer, and enters Luhan as soon as he's positioned himself, right against his unprepared hole, fast, in a long, forceful push.
Luhan has never been breached before, and he can feel it. Instantly. Sharp nails pierce his skin, and a loud cry pricks at his left ear. He ignores it. He pulls out and pushes in again, not leaving a moment for regret or indecision or anything inbetween. He just feels Luhan around him, close to him. Real and in the flesh.
He can feel something warm and wet trickling out of Luhan, and he knows it's blood. God, he's a monster, and he pushes into him and feels his movements lubricate with the crimson addition, and Luhan can't breathe. He feels so good, so good, and if Kai dared, he would tell him, and he would tell him how much he's wanted this, dreamt of this, gone crazy for this. For Luhan in his arms. For Luhan to be his, only his.
After a few moments of getting over the blissful feeling of being inside Luhan, Kai realizes he's crying into the mattress beneath Luhan's head, but he doesn't show it, and just scratches at Luhan’s sides as he pushes in and out of his friend's small body, propelling forwards with all the force he can muster, slamming into him hard, hard enough knock the air out of him. Luhan's crying too, screaming out and biting down on Kai's shoulder while Kai pushes between his legs and holds him down, taking him.
They don't say anything, but they don't really need to because they can feel it. The sweat on Luhan's neck tastes salty, and the blood Kai draws from his lips is bitter. Kai's grips are rough, and Luhan's skin is still red hot. Everything is bitter, even if it feels good. Of course it feels good, it's Luhan, the beautiful, beautiful boy he's always fantasized about. But despite that, everything's still a little off.
He thrusts into Luhan harder to make sure he's doing it right, and he is, but something hurts and something is still wrong, a sort of pain in his sides or at the back of his head, somewhere that's fucking with his consciousness.
He can only hear Luhan utter out his name in broken syllables as he tries to breathe, and it stabs into his ears in a way it's not supposed to, worming its way the wrong way in. He's always wanted Luhan to spill out his name repetitively, hopelessly even, but it's more of a sad melody and a 'this is the last time you'll hear me call your name', instead of a 'I want this calling for you to be the beginning of forever'.
Kai cries angrily a little more, feeling like he's losing more than he's taking, which makes him feel like shit because really, he's taking so much, more than he should.
Luhan is so fucking selfish and Kai hates himself because it doesn't make him love Luhan any less. It's always more. More, more, more. I want Luhan more. I need him more. I'll miss him more. Luhan, Luhan, Luhan. Always. Always fucking Luhan.
"Kai...K-Kai, please..." Luhan half moans, half whimpers. He's almost startled when he hears Luhan's voice again, as it just feels like a distant memory. Kai knows he's trying to say sorry again, or pray for him to stop, but it really doesn't cut it, not like this. It doesn't justify Luhan leaving, especially not after giving him hope. It hurts much more to know that there could have been a 'Kai and Luhan', than to go by his day as normal.
He feels bitter now. Fucking bitter, and he hates himself for it.
"Bet Sehun's there, waiting for you. In your new life," Kai grunts out in fragments as he bucks his hips, holding Luhan down. "It's always fucking been him, you liar. He's never been a problem. But Kai's a fucking problem. Best friends- fuck you." Kai says, and knows that was a cowardly low blow, but he's just so angry, and too tired to care, half testing out the waters for Luhan's reaction. He doesn't even know what he's saying anymore, not really, but neither does Luhan. "I'm just too fucking useless for shit anymore, right? Fuck it. It's not like I care what the fuck you do. You can go get fucked by Sehun when I'm done, be he'll feel fucking good."
Luhan can't talk but he shakes his head vigorously, the tears flowing, if possibly, harder. Like he wants to tell Kai that he's being ridiculous, but Kai doesn't feel like he's in the mood for any more explanations, or any more talking. Kai lets himself vent, the only way he knows how.
Kai's forgotten that he's crying.
"Too bad you've already been had by Kai the fucking train wreck, then. Bet Sehun will be real fucking happy, won't he."
Luhan lets out a loud sob, pulling on Kai's hair so hard the brunette can feel it in his roots. Luhan is still looking up at him with the same eyes, he'll be damned if they're full of pity, and he is as quiet as ever. No wonder he's quiet. Kai doesn't know what he could possibly say. Kai doesn't even know what he's waiting for him to say.
It's not until Luhan starts shaking under him that Kai realizes he's stopped, completely and utterly halted, still seated deep inside his best friend. At first he wonders why he's stopped, and he blinks desperately to try and see something, but then his arms go weak and as he falls forward, he realizes that he doesn't really have any control anymore. He knows, because at that very second the world slows down. His eyes are burning, and his throat spasms. He chokes on air and gulps in breaths at the same time, and as he watches Luhan's face get sprinkled with his tears, he can hear himself sobbing, choking it back, but crying helplessly. Water completely clouds his vision, and he tries to blink it away, but dives forward in blindness instead and pulls Luhan into a crushing embrace before he can decide what to do about the tears.
He lays there in the damp mess: sweat, blood, and tears surrounding them. He's holding Luhan like a baby, and he's still seated inside him. He realizes, as he starts calming down, that he hasn't released yet. Somehow, he doesn't feel the need to. He realizes his room is pretty cold too, and he can especially feel it as cold sweat starts to form on his skin.
He's about to get up. He's about to pull out and get up and run far, far away, away from everything, but as he shifts and starts to move, two frail arms wrap around his neck, pulling him back down weakly, so weakly he almost wants to cry. God, what has he done?
"It's okay," He hears, a breath ghosted over his ear. "It's okay."
It's not really okay, not really, but the hands around him feel soothing, and the voice like velvet. Beautiful, like only Luhan can be, and then they stay there naked on the damp sheets, the world turned off for a little bit. Kai cries. Luhan doesn't have any tears left.
"I still love you," Luhan says in a passing whisper, and he's still bleeding out too. Kai can feel him bleeding around him, and he has a sinking feeling that if he pulls out, it will empty him completely, until it's all just dry, out on his mattress. Luhan's fucking bleeding because of him, life pouring out by the second. He stays seated inside him, pulling the smaller's body close, cradling it like it's the most precious thing, which he knows is ironic, because it's him that has led to its destruction.
Luhan, however, seems to think it’s rather Kai who needs mending. ”I’ll fix you,” he promises, before he tires and closes his eyes slowly. He keeps whispering ‘I’ll fix you’ until Kai drifts off as well, Luhan’s words the most beautiful lullaby in his ears.