(no subject)
She wrapped her arms around herself as she leaned against her headboard, covered in blankets she still couldn’t seem to get warm. Shivering, she didn’t even bother to try wiping the tears from her face, the blanket covering her was almost soaked.
Her cell phone lay next to her, the bearer of good and bad news. She needed to talk to him, but she knew he was busy. She loved him so much, and she trusted him… He wouldn’t think that. He wouldn’t think that after she had browsed through people’s things… He would think that she didn’t trust him. But she did. Oh, how she did.
A spasm of coughs flooded through her and she suddenly was sobbing again.
“It isn’t true… It messed up… It’s wrong… He loves me… He wouldn’t do that to me…”
The light in her room was dimmed, it didn’t seem right that brightness should be allowed to damper her dark mood. Again, she shivered. It was so cold… She couldn’t get warm… What was wrong with her?
She looked into the mirror opposite her, and suddenly… She began to cry again. Tears flooded down her cheeks, she couldn’t stop them. Why should she even ask herself that question? Her voice broke the silence of the room… Hoarse, shaking…. Terrified.
“It’s because I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough…. I’m not the best.”
The last word came out with a cry. She buried her face in her hands, trying to stop the tears that she thought she had already cried out. She had to make herself better…. Her nails began to dig into her skin… She had to make herself the best for him.
Taking in one slow, shaking breath… she finally calmed down. Lifting her face from her hands she stared into the mirror, nail marks on her cheeks marring her features. And again, that rage with herself stole into her.
She took a pillow and threw it at her own reflection and began to yell at the mirror.
“Why can’t you be prettier?! Why can’t you be good enough?! Why do you have to love so much? Why do you have to be such a failure?!”
Before she realized it, she was on her knees, her fists clenched. She collapsed back down onto the bed. Her voice came out in a whisper…
“Why do you have to be… me?”
Curling into a ball she continued to try to keep the chill away, but she knew it would stay. She knew that she would be cold till she found out everything… So many questions of why… She closed her eyes and tried to keep the tears from starting again, to no avail.
Reaching over, her hands touched the phone. She shook and shuddered and brought it close to her. Opening it up she began to dial his familiar number… But she never called. Instead, she just whispered into it… Hoping he would feel her words… Hoping he would just know… but she knew he wouldn’t.
“I love you… I love you so much… I wish I was good enough for you… I wish…. I wish that you knew… But you don’t… You don’t….”
Keeping her eyes shut tightly she felt that sudden wave of emptiness overcome her… Pressing her lips to his picture she whispered again…
“Goodbye… goodbye… I hoped you would understand… I wished I was good enough for you… But I’m not… I don’t question why I love you… I know… But… Why… why do I have to…”
One last breath….
“Be….”
Her cell phone lay next to her, the bearer of good and bad news. She needed to talk to him, but she knew he was busy. She loved him so much, and she trusted him… He wouldn’t think that. He wouldn’t think that after she had browsed through people’s things… He would think that she didn’t trust him. But she did. Oh, how she did.
A spasm of coughs flooded through her and she suddenly was sobbing again.
“It isn’t true… It messed up… It’s wrong… He loves me… He wouldn’t do that to me…”
The light in her room was dimmed, it didn’t seem right that brightness should be allowed to damper her dark mood. Again, she shivered. It was so cold… She couldn’t get warm… What was wrong with her?
She looked into the mirror opposite her, and suddenly… She began to cry again. Tears flooded down her cheeks, she couldn’t stop them. Why should she even ask herself that question? Her voice broke the silence of the room… Hoarse, shaking…. Terrified.
“It’s because I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough…. I’m not the best.”
The last word came out with a cry. She buried her face in her hands, trying to stop the tears that she thought she had already cried out. She had to make herself better…. Her nails began to dig into her skin… She had to make herself the best for him.
Taking in one slow, shaking breath… she finally calmed down. Lifting her face from her hands she stared into the mirror, nail marks on her cheeks marring her features. And again, that rage with herself stole into her.
She took a pillow and threw it at her own reflection and began to yell at the mirror.
“Why can’t you be prettier?! Why can’t you be good enough?! Why do you have to love so much? Why do you have to be such a failure?!”
Before she realized it, she was on her knees, her fists clenched. She collapsed back down onto the bed. Her voice came out in a whisper…
“Why do you have to be… me?”
Curling into a ball she continued to try to keep the chill away, but she knew it would stay. She knew that she would be cold till she found out everything… So many questions of why… She closed her eyes and tried to keep the tears from starting again, to no avail.
Reaching over, her hands touched the phone. She shook and shuddered and brought it close to her. Opening it up she began to dial his familiar number… But she never called. Instead, she just whispered into it… Hoping he would feel her words… Hoping he would just know… but she knew he wouldn’t.
“I love you… I love you so much… I wish I was good enough for you… I wish…. I wish that you knew… But you don’t… You don’t….”
Keeping her eyes shut tightly she felt that sudden wave of emptiness overcome her… Pressing her lips to his picture she whispered again…
“Goodbye… goodbye… I hoped you would understand… I wished I was good enough for you… But I’m not… I don’t question why I love you… I know… But… Why… why do I have to…”
One last breath….
“Be….”