entry fourteen - some genuinely, honestly, sincere, heartfelt feelings.
I am incredibly glad to be out of the infirmary. It's crowded in there and... well, who's idea was it to let the vampires in there? No offence to them, I've got nothing against Uberwaldians, trust me, but surely that's an unwise combination?
Either way, I do hope those of you who are dead or severely injured get over it soon. It's not pleasant, I know.
I seriously think tea may be in order. I blame a certain former warden of mine for this compulsion. Next, I'll be asking after jelly babies. This could be a disturbing turn of events.
[Private to The Doctor]
Doctor,
I've been seriously considering this, and I think I owe you an explanation, or an apology, perhaps. I'm not sure which, but if you'd accept either, it would be most appreciated. I realised that I've spent as much time in Zero as some of the more criminal elements on board and for things which, before, I would have considered far beneath me. I still do consider them far beneath me, I am better than a petty criminal, and all I can say to account for my actions is that I do desperately miss having authority, having power - and I know many other Inmates here also lack their powers, both physical and granted, authorised power - thus, this is no reason for me to act as if I was one of the murderers or other, frankly, idiots on board. I could argue all I like that Elle was an idiot for putting blood on a mirror, but I was even more foolish to attempt to push her for petty revenge, and I deserved everything I got.
Because I realised something then, Doctor, too. I realise that there is a difference between weakness and weakness, in the same way there is a difference between power and authority. I felt weak and out of control before because I had had my authority taken away. I felt weak and powerless when she did that to me - as there was nothing I could do to change it. I can change the first, and had been trying to, by attempting to attain power and authority through fear and reputation, just like I had before. I failed. Consistently. Not only that, but I dragged other people down with me. I'm starting to think that I ought to attempt to get authority, at least on a personal level, through trust and respect.
To do that, I ought to make it clear that my recent actions have been unacceptable. In aiming to prove your incompetence as wardens and create fear, I have actually been counter productive to my greater wishes - that is for there to be order. I believe I have created more chaos than order and more violence than stability. I do not find this a productive course of action, and I swear to you, I will desist. I wish to be of help, I wish to do what I can to assist. Order is my first priority. Personal power is something else.
I am by no means pretending that I am reformed, nor that I believe my methods were ever wrong or out of place. I do not believe so. But I will say to you, Doctor, that my actions whilst here have been foolish and painfully intransigent, and I am willing to change that. I will change that.
[Private to Sirrus]
This is far harder than I thought it would be, Sirrus. It takes a great blow to your pride just to pretend.
[Note left outside Sam (Tyler)'s door with a criminology book which reads a little like a 19th century phrenology book, but in Discworld style, so with notes on Dwarves, Vampires, Nobby Nobbs and references to wizards and such like. There's other sections on saner bits of criminology and policing but...yeah. Published Ankh-Morpork, 1630something.]
I realise there may be some mis-trust over books after recent events, but I assure you, this is one of my own. I leave it you in order to help you, and Security, understand the nature of the more criminal elements here. Welcome back to the boat, incidentally. - Captain Swing.
((ooc: ...he's not entirely sincere. At all. But most of it is true, in a sense. Sorry for the creepy, Sam, he THINKS he's being helpful))
Either way, I do hope those of you who are dead or severely injured get over it soon. It's not pleasant, I know.
I seriously think tea may be in order. I blame a certain former warden of mine for this compulsion. Next, I'll be asking after jelly babies. This could be a disturbing turn of events.
[Private to The Doctor]
Doctor,
I've been seriously considering this, and I think I owe you an explanation, or an apology, perhaps. I'm not sure which, but if you'd accept either, it would be most appreciated. I realised that I've spent as much time in Zero as some of the more criminal elements on board and for things which, before, I would have considered far beneath me. I still do consider them far beneath me, I am better than a petty criminal, and all I can say to account for my actions is that I do desperately miss having authority, having power - and I know many other Inmates here also lack their powers, both physical and granted, authorised power - thus, this is no reason for me to act as if I was one of the murderers or other, frankly, idiots on board. I could argue all I like that Elle was an idiot for putting blood on a mirror, but I was even more foolish to attempt to push her for petty revenge, and I deserved everything I got.
Because I realised something then, Doctor, too. I realise that there is a difference between weakness and weakness, in the same way there is a difference between power and authority. I felt weak and out of control before because I had had my authority taken away. I felt weak and powerless when she did that to me - as there was nothing I could do to change it. I can change the first, and had been trying to, by attempting to attain power and authority through fear and reputation, just like I had before. I failed. Consistently. Not only that, but I dragged other people down with me. I'm starting to think that I ought to attempt to get authority, at least on a personal level, through trust and respect.
To do that, I ought to make it clear that my recent actions have been unacceptable. In aiming to prove your incompetence as wardens and create fear, I have actually been counter productive to my greater wishes - that is for there to be order. I believe I have created more chaos than order and more violence than stability. I do not find this a productive course of action, and I swear to you, I will desist. I wish to be of help, I wish to do what I can to assist. Order is my first priority. Personal power is something else.
I am by no means pretending that I am reformed, nor that I believe my methods were ever wrong or out of place. I do not believe so. But I will say to you, Doctor, that my actions whilst here have been foolish and painfully intransigent, and I am willing to change that. I will change that.
[Private to Sirrus]
This is far harder than I thought it would be, Sirrus. It takes a great blow to your pride just to pretend.
[Note left outside Sam (Tyler)'s door with a criminology book which reads a little like a 19th century phrenology book, but in Discworld style, so with notes on Dwarves, Vampires, Nobby Nobbs and references to wizards and such like. There's other sections on saner bits of criminology and policing but...yeah. Published Ankh-Morpork, 1630something.]
I realise there may be some mis-trust over books after recent events, but I assure you, this is one of my own. I leave it you in order to help you, and Security, understand the nature of the more criminal elements here. Welcome back to the boat, incidentally. - Captain Swing.
((ooc: ...he's not entirely sincere. At all. But most of it is true, in a sense. Sorry for the creepy, Sam, he THINKS he's being helpful))