i am scared.
i don't want to feel that ever again. i don't want to ever feel a pit fall in my stomach, and cold faintness on the back of my neck. the cold sweat and the feeling of drained blood. i never want to hear those words, or feel that way when i close my eyes again. no food. no water. no sleep.
there are far more painful and torturous things in the world to happen to me than that i know, but it still doesn't make it any less horrific.
i promised myself a year ago that i would never let myself bear that sensation and long arduous wait again. that i would never put myself in that position again. the foolish part of that promise to myself was that i knew very well that odds were i would not only experience it again, but numerous times. i was relying on my future maturity to soothe it. not to mention deep down there was that little speck of hope that i actually wouldn't need to enter that long vacation in hell again.
unlike a death, you always feel like there was something you could've changed. your loved one wont die because you're not good enough. they wont leave you on purpose. there's nothing like the feeling of someone whom has become part of you, someone you love, leaving you on their own free will.
that gasping, pounding, surreal sensation.
i forgot about it.
i imagained a movie script ending. that it would all come together. that in the end it would be a best seller.
sitting in the car with my amazing friends... no one believed it then, not even me. it had no hope.
but slowly after that, the following 2 days, progressed into this place of hope and faith. suddenly everyone thought i was different and believed there was definately a glimmer or faith waiting for me this time.
things got easier then.
i still ran away though.
then it became a purgatory. i felt emotionless with the wait, which on it's own is scary enough. to suddenly feel as if something that had been so crushing just days before wasn't affecting you anymore... that you almost were indefferent to it... is horrifying. then you feel like a heartless bitch, and very fucking lost. you don't know whether you are just tricking yourself out and taking a vacation from constant weight of lonliness, or if you really were emotionless to the whole thing.
that part is when i began to lose faith.
the end.
then i became a rare fucking case of a movie script. i still havn't realized the sensation of that.
i got lucky.
but now i'm scared. i'm scared of when it will happen next.
dorian thinks i will never have to feel that pain again. that i have finally found it. that i get to sit still, for the first time in my life.
it seems about as probable as a movie script ending.
meaning... no very probable at all.
but then again, where i am now didn't seem probable at all either.
i'm so scared and time is ticking again.
ever want to hold onto someone forever? well, i can finally hold on to him again... but i'm scared he will decide to slip away again.
why am i always so scared?
that's what he said too, that he was scared.
we both obviously have very different senses of fear.
too much faith in the faithless, and too little faith in the faithful.
there are far more painful and torturous things in the world to happen to me than that i know, but it still doesn't make it any less horrific.
i promised myself a year ago that i would never let myself bear that sensation and long arduous wait again. that i would never put myself in that position again. the foolish part of that promise to myself was that i knew very well that odds were i would not only experience it again, but numerous times. i was relying on my future maturity to soothe it. not to mention deep down there was that little speck of hope that i actually wouldn't need to enter that long vacation in hell again.
unlike a death, you always feel like there was something you could've changed. your loved one wont die because you're not good enough. they wont leave you on purpose. there's nothing like the feeling of someone whom has become part of you, someone you love, leaving you on their own free will.
that gasping, pounding, surreal sensation.
i forgot about it.
i imagained a movie script ending. that it would all come together. that in the end it would be a best seller.
sitting in the car with my amazing friends... no one believed it then, not even me. it had no hope.
but slowly after that, the following 2 days, progressed into this place of hope and faith. suddenly everyone thought i was different and believed there was definately a glimmer or faith waiting for me this time.
things got easier then.
i still ran away though.
then it became a purgatory. i felt emotionless with the wait, which on it's own is scary enough. to suddenly feel as if something that had been so crushing just days before wasn't affecting you anymore... that you almost were indefferent to it... is horrifying. then you feel like a heartless bitch, and very fucking lost. you don't know whether you are just tricking yourself out and taking a vacation from constant weight of lonliness, or if you really were emotionless to the whole thing.
that part is when i began to lose faith.
the end.
then i became a rare fucking case of a movie script. i still havn't realized the sensation of that.
i got lucky.
but now i'm scared. i'm scared of when it will happen next.
dorian thinks i will never have to feel that pain again. that i have finally found it. that i get to sit still, for the first time in my life.
it seems about as probable as a movie script ending.
meaning... no very probable at all.
but then again, where i am now didn't seem probable at all either.
i'm so scared and time is ticking again.
ever want to hold onto someone forever? well, i can finally hold on to him again... but i'm scared he will decide to slip away again.
why am i always so scared?
that's what he said too, that he was scared.
we both obviously have very different senses of fear.
too much faith in the faithless, and too little faith in the faithful.