Breaking up is hard to do..
On Saturday night, I terminated a long and difficult friendship, years after I should have done so. I wish it hadn't happened the way it did… hothead that I am, it wasn't the best time and place, and there are a couple of people I wish had not been present to witness the ugly scene that unfolded. It was a classic case of the straw that broke the camel's back and as such they didn't understand how something (seemingly) innocuous could have set off such a reaction on my part.
But I guess there is no such thing as an ideal time or place for something like this. I can't imagine how it could be done civilly. I can’t imagine a relationship-style break-up, where you sit your soon-to-be-ex-partner down, and say "it's not working" or "I don't like you anymore" or what have you. Friends never push you as far as partners do. Partners come and go, but friends are forever, so you're stuck with them, though some you can best do without. It's like I needed a catalyst, an out-of-control situation to push me to take that final step.
What I feel now is mostly relief, though there's a lot of regret there too. Regret for years wasted, shared experiences, the good times, though they were fewer and further between than the bad ones. Does this sound like a classic romantic break up? Hah.
Perhaps everyone has a friend like this one - the poisonous one with the slow-working venom, the bitter one, the one who puts you down to feel better about him/herself. The one who points out your faults, who belittles your achievements, who tries to disguise his/her cruelty in humour, who kills your enthusiasm with cynicism and negativity. But perhaps most people are able to make a clean and effective break sooner rather than later. I don’t think I let it go so far out of weakness, at least not in the conventional sense. It’s just so difficult to give up on something when everything has been so hard won.
During our heated screaming match, I said all the things I should have said over the years, though it fell on deaf and drunken ears, and she said one thing I concede wholeheartedly. She said I was like a bomb waiting to explode. No doubt she was alluding to my personality. Sure, I’ll give her that, but if she only knew just how true it is of our friendship (that was).
But I guess there is no such thing as an ideal time or place for something like this. I can't imagine how it could be done civilly. I can’t imagine a relationship-style break-up, where you sit your soon-to-be-ex-partner down, and say "it's not working" or "I don't like you anymore" or what have you. Friends never push you as far as partners do. Partners come and go, but friends are forever, so you're stuck with them, though some you can best do without. It's like I needed a catalyst, an out-of-control situation to push me to take that final step.
What I feel now is mostly relief, though there's a lot of regret there too. Regret for years wasted, shared experiences, the good times, though they were fewer and further between than the bad ones. Does this sound like a classic romantic break up? Hah.
Perhaps everyone has a friend like this one - the poisonous one with the slow-working venom, the bitter one, the one who puts you down to feel better about him/herself. The one who points out your faults, who belittles your achievements, who tries to disguise his/her cruelty in humour, who kills your enthusiasm with cynicism and negativity. But perhaps most people are able to make a clean and effective break sooner rather than later. I don’t think I let it go so far out of weakness, at least not in the conventional sense. It’s just so difficult to give up on something when everything has been so hard won.
During our heated screaming match, I said all the things I should have said over the years, though it fell on deaf and drunken ears, and she said one thing I concede wholeheartedly. She said I was like a bomb waiting to explode. No doubt she was alluding to my personality. Sure, I’ll give her that, but if she only knew just how true it is of our friendship (that was).