The Truth About Forever
My eyes get really big and dark when I cry. And look kinda..glassy. It's cool. And then my eyelashes stand out more because they're wet and dark. And my lips are _reallllly_ red. How odd. My hair's all tousled and wet. Anyway...point is I look really pretty. Kinda...that broken angel...with the one tear. The diamond tear..... :)
Everyone needs to stop working because...I am sick of staying at home. I know I just got back from Tejas...but really....I hate sitting at home doing nothing. I'm bored out of my mind.
And I hate not being able to talk to him. We honestly haven't talked much since the trip. Really. I mean last night we talked a bit, but he fell asleep on the phone after like...a half hour. And then today....there was nothing. A, "Hello, I'm cleaning" and then a, "Goodbye, I'm going out...for a bagillion hours....and then when you try to call at 11 at night your time, I'm still going to be at Seth's house...and then I'm going to let you listen to Seth ordering me to kill you because you miss talking to me and I could give two shits about talking to you. I'm with my fucking friends. Get a clue and call back in the wee hours of the morning when I am no longer with them, so I can tell you I love you, but not even make it through the entire sentence because I will have fallen asleep half way through it."
*giggles*
I feel better now.
But you know what? I love him to death...I really do....but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
See...I keep holding on..thinking..don't worry about it...the bad will get better...one day he'll understand..and he'll stop hurting you. And then all that will be left is how amazing he makes you feel.
I talked to Anthony today for like..an hour. And I mean really talked. We've never talked like that before. He said he was all bored so I suggested we play Truth and it was a hit. (For those of you who do not know what Truth is...here's an explanation: We ask eachother questions back and forth, no question is too out-of-bounds, and every question _must_ be answered truthfully, but if one decides to pass on a question, they lose, if and only if, the other player answers the game ending question of the player who passed. yea...tis fun) So he went first...and he asked me if I still had feelings for him. It was interesting...all his questions were about us as a couple. Why I broke up with him...if I regretted it...what was up with Mike...how's my relationship now. He was truly interested....I kinda enjoyed digging up that part of my past. It was.....normal. Not depressing....not...too much, you know? I kinda miss those guys....I mean..they put me through hell, but it was more like...I'm poking you indefinetly hell as apposed to, you're burning alive for eternity hell. Anyways...they were both hilarious and we shared some good times.
I'm going back to Cooperstown on Monday. I get to see Kyle...who I haven't seen in years, literally. Maybe we can meet up with other Coop folk too. I'd love to see Chris. I have his number..and if he finds out I was in town and didn't call he will hate me forever...lol. Maybe I should call him this weekend to make sure he's free. God I miss those guys.
So I am now smiling again...thinking about the past that wasn't painful.... ^__^ But I got out of the shower like a half hour ago and I'm still in my towel, so I should prob put some clothes on ;) lol.
You guys are my friends, and I really do value your opinions...so I'm asking for advice. What do you think I should do? About Kev....I love him more than anything in this world..and I want so much to be with him...but...is it really the best thing for me? I just..don't think that he feels as strongly as I do, and perhaps that's just because...he shows most of his emotion in person.....but if he really doesn't.....love me as much as I love him, then this just isn't the right thing for us right now. I completely hate myself for thinking about this...but...my feelings for him are so intense that they tend to....affect my life greatly. And I don't know if I can take the chance...of something bad happening again. Even these little things bring me back...slowly...but they do. And I cannot...and will not crash this year. I don't want to mess up my life. But I really do love him.... This sucks because...even without him...the jealousy and the friends with benefits thing...it just...never worked...but being _with_ him isn't supposed to make me feel like this. *sighs* I don't know what to do anymore...I really don't.
I should probably stop thinking...but writing all of this out has calmed me down quite a bit...so thank you makers of livejournal. lol. I'm gonna finish the last two chapters of my book and then watch something funny. I owe it to myself to laugh a bit. :)
Everyone needs to stop working because...I am sick of staying at home. I know I just got back from Tejas...but really....I hate sitting at home doing nothing. I'm bored out of my mind.
And I hate not being able to talk to him. We honestly haven't talked much since the trip. Really. I mean last night we talked a bit, but he fell asleep on the phone after like...a half hour. And then today....there was nothing. A, "Hello, I'm cleaning" and then a, "Goodbye, I'm going out...for a bagillion hours....and then when you try to call at 11 at night your time, I'm still going to be at Seth's house...and then I'm going to let you listen to Seth ordering me to kill you because you miss talking to me and I could give two shits about talking to you. I'm with my fucking friends. Get a clue and call back in the wee hours of the morning when I am no longer with them, so I can tell you I love you, but not even make it through the entire sentence because I will have fallen asleep half way through it."
*giggles*
I feel better now.
But you know what? I love him to death...I really do....but I don't know how much more of this I can take.
See...I keep holding on..thinking..don't worry about it...the bad will get better...one day he'll understand..and he'll stop hurting you. And then all that will be left is how amazing he makes you feel.
I talked to Anthony today for like..an hour. And I mean really talked. We've never talked like that before. He said he was all bored so I suggested we play Truth and it was a hit. (For those of you who do not know what Truth is...here's an explanation: We ask eachother questions back and forth, no question is too out-of-bounds, and every question _must_ be answered truthfully, but if one decides to pass on a question, they lose, if and only if, the other player answers the game ending question of the player who passed. yea...tis fun) So he went first...and he asked me if I still had feelings for him. It was interesting...all his questions were about us as a couple. Why I broke up with him...if I regretted it...what was up with Mike...how's my relationship now. He was truly interested....I kinda enjoyed digging up that part of my past. It was.....normal. Not depressing....not...too much, you know? I kinda miss those guys....I mean..they put me through hell, but it was more like...I'm poking you indefinetly hell as apposed to, you're burning alive for eternity hell. Anyways...they were both hilarious and we shared some good times.
I'm going back to Cooperstown on Monday. I get to see Kyle...who I haven't seen in years, literally. Maybe we can meet up with other Coop folk too. I'd love to see Chris. I have his number..and if he finds out I was in town and didn't call he will hate me forever...lol. Maybe I should call him this weekend to make sure he's free. God I miss those guys.
So I am now smiling again...thinking about the past that wasn't painful.... ^__^ But I got out of the shower like a half hour ago and I'm still in my towel, so I should prob put some clothes on ;) lol.
You guys are my friends, and I really do value your opinions...so I'm asking for advice. What do you think I should do? About Kev....I love him more than anything in this world..and I want so much to be with him...but...is it really the best thing for me? I just..don't think that he feels as strongly as I do, and perhaps that's just because...he shows most of his emotion in person.....but if he really doesn't.....love me as much as I love him, then this just isn't the right thing for us right now. I completely hate myself for thinking about this...but...my feelings for him are so intense that they tend to....affect my life greatly. And I don't know if I can take the chance...of something bad happening again. Even these little things bring me back...slowly...but they do. And I cannot...and will not crash this year. I don't want to mess up my life. But I really do love him.... This sucks because...even without him...the jealousy and the friends with benefits thing...it just...never worked...but being _with_ him isn't supposed to make me feel like this. *sighs* I don't know what to do anymore...I really don't.
I should probably stop thinking...but writing all of this out has calmed me down quite a bit...so thank you makers of livejournal. lol. I'm gonna finish the last two chapters of my book and then watch something funny. I owe it to myself to laugh a bit. :)