23。jigsaw falls into place
jigsaw falls into place
Seungho/Joon (w/ mentions of Byunghee/Joon and Rain/Joon)
R ; 2612 w.
warning: contains angst and dark themes.
a/n: this ended up a darker than i expected it to be. also, i have nothing against rain and byunghee (who i've portrayed as such an imbecile here :/ i'm apologizing as early as now, i'm sorry ). came from a request with this prompt: "seungjoon with mentions of byunghee/joon from the past. the three have a drinking session in their apartment, drinks spill as well as secrets. angst galore please (and i mean a lot of angst). could be au or not, up to you. :)" by fxckinmyway . i'm only hoping this satisfies you enough!
§
sick sad little world
nothing i know changes me at all
i'm always wanting you
"Fine," Byunghee says, on the verge of crossing the line between sanity and the state of being gone. Their dining table is wet with spilled drinks, add to that bags of chips and boxes of pizza scattered haphazardly on the kitchen counter. Their impromptu drinking session will definitely take its toll in the later morning.
"Since no one here is in the mood to be honest, I pick truth!"
Seungho smirks and takes a swig from his beer bottle, eyeing Changsun almost cheekily from across the table. Changsun's eyes meet his and he returns Seungho a somewhat reserved smile that is reminiscent of a lovestruck fool's. The two break out in knowing, mischievous grins.
"Goddamn. Will you two quit it with the lovey-dovey looks?" Byunghee comments loudly, laughing and precariously holding his shot glass in the air. "Want me to vomit on your faces? I mean, I can if you guys ask me to or, if you guys want, you know, just go right ahead and continue gazing at each other like two horny cats that want to fuck all day--that'd be fine, too, be my guest!"
Changsun and Seungho bang the table and hold their stomachs in laughter. They're left speechless from Byunghee's comment, the alcohol heightening their carefree mood, but after some deliberate thinking, Seungho finally decides on a question, not having the slightest awareness of the storm that it's about to cause.
(Later on in the day, during the early afternoon when their minds have cleared up a great amount and they'd almost be completely sobered up, Seungho would wonder if things would have been better if he hadn't asked the question at all.)
"The most sinful thing that you've done recently?" Seungho asks Byunghee absent-mindedly. The latter unceremoniously slams the bottom of his shot glass on the table, creating a loud 'thud' that fills the stale atmosphere of the room.
"You really don't want to know," Byunghee slurs and laughs to himself, all languid movements when he turns to face Changsun to grin stupidly at him. It's almost like recalling a dirty little secret that two best friends share, except in this case, Changsun's body stiffens, sparing a glance at Seungho for any sign of puzzlement or discomfort on his face.
If Seungho hadn't consumed the amount of alcohol he did, he would have noticed the way Changsun's face falls and the way the atmosphere tightens. He's only started feeling light headed at the moment, his movements beginning to feel loose and slack. Everything is sort of mixing together in a drowsy way, creating a happy little bubble for Seungho that slightly separates him with his surroundings.
"Hey, you picked truth!" Seungho whines playfully, inebriated as well but not as much as Byunghee. He pours Byunghee's glass with more soju, as if urging him to go on with it, and yet again, another empty bottle of soju is stacked among several other empty ones at the side of their table.
"Seungho-ah," Byunghee says pointedly. "Trust me on this one. You really, really don't want to know this one."
"I mooned a random stranger outside. In case you didn't know, it's 4 degrees celsius out," Seungho deadpans. "I think Changsun and I deserve to know this one."
"Does he?" Byunghee glances at Changsun, an inexplicable expression plastered on his face. Changsun is being peculiarly quiet, Seungho notices this, yet Changsun looks as if he could explode from all the emotions seemingly boiling under his skin. Still, he doesn't mutter a word. "I'm sorry he had to do that, expose his butt to some random guy outside and yeah it is fucking freezing, but--" Byunghee continues, "Seungho deserves to know this one, yeah? I mean, he does have the right to know. It'd be wrong if he didn't."
"Stop," Changsun mutters quietly, warning him. "Stop it."
Completely at a loss at what's going on, Seungho frowns in confusion and slight irritation. The alcohol is making his thoughts cloudy and vague but the morose and angry look on Changsun's face alerts him and tells him that there truly is something wrong. For once, Changsun remains the sober one.
"I'm sorry, but I have to say it. I picked truth, it would be unfair if I didn't. None of us really have a say on whether or not I should say it, I'm just following the game, I'm sorry," Byunghee mutters, fast and out of control. Changsun and Seungho are well aware of the fact that Byunghee apologizes endlessly when he's had too much to drink, it's some strange quirk he possesses, to apologize about absolutely everything and anything he does when he's intoxicated but it doesn't stop him from blurting out whatever he has in mind. That's the terrifying part, especially if you've got skeletons in your closet and embarrassing secrets to hide.
"Seungho-ah. I'm sorry, but I have to explain something to you first," Byunghee goes on. "You know, in case you didn't already know."
Seungho leans towards Changsun, suspecting that Byunghee will probably start muttering unsubstantial words that wouldn't make any sense, mutters hazily, "Changsun-ah, what is he-"
"Listen. You see, Seungho, Changsun has a little problem," Byunghee speaks in riddles, staring at the way his fingertip circles around the top his shot glass. "He's been feeling a bit lonely lately."
Seungho frowns at that and turns his gaze to Changsun, who only looks back at him looking like he's seeing a ghost, wretched and terrified. For a moment there, Seungho is positive that he turns deaf, as if all the little details in his memory that baffled him in the past plays on fast forward in his head, like an uncontrollable whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.
It all makes sense now. The times when Changsun wouldn't answer his phone when he was away on a trip, whenever Changsun, despite his slightly larger frame and his boisterous demeanor, felt somewhat hesitant and uncharacteristically small in Seungho's arms. The times when Seungho couldn't point out what seemed to be guilt tripping Changsun, and the times when Cheolyong or Sanghyun would notice and ask Changsun what the problem is and would only be given a nonchalant - sometimes cold - shrug for their effort, but when Seungho would ask, it would be Changsun looking him in the eye for a brief moment only to look away the next, add to this Changsun muttering an earnest it's nothing, I'm sorry afterwards. You know I love you, right?
Seungho had always wondered why Changsun would apologize and it all comes crashing down on him all of a sudden, making his stomach sink and his chest tighten, thinking about all the possibilities that he overlooked and didn't give a second thought at that time.
Realizing that there had been a different meaning to those words makes Seungho furious, not so much at Changsun but at himself.
"Oh?" Amused, Byunghee switches his gaze from Changsun to Seungho, Seungho to Changsun, and back and back again. He scoffs in disbelief, "Seungho-ah, you didn't know? I'm sorry to break it to you, but..."
Changsun looks down, unable to look at either of them in the eye. Though Seungho knows where this is going, he wants to hold Changsun in his arms and hide him away from the world. He's well aware that he's not supposed to feel this way at the moment - he's well aware that he should be angry, enraged and frustrated at Changsun - but all the feelings of care and protection he has towards him overpowers everything, and it's then that he realizes that he has fallen deeply and irrevocably for this man in front of him - his friend, his happiness, his notes on his piano sheets.
"It was only once," Seungho begins shakily, wanting the words that leave his mouth to hold their true meaning. "It was only once, right? When you two were at that after party? That time I wasn't here?"
"You were gone too many times, Seungho-ah." Byunghee answers matter-of-factly, wearing a flippant levity that tugs on Seungho's nerves. Seungho keeps reminding himself to blame it on Byunghee's drunkenness, but it's easier said than done. "And, I'm sorry to break it to you but it really doesn't take a lot for our Changsun here to get drunk-"
"What in the world are you saying?" Changsun mutters under his breath. "I wasn't the only one! You were as smashed as me!"
"You wouldn't know and maybe I wouldn't either, but I do remember quite a few things," Byunghee turns to face Seungho. "Crucial things. I don't think you'd want to know."
"So you did?" Seungho musters all his patience to stop his voice from shaking. He looks at Changsun in disbelief. "Did you?"
Changsun can't bring himself to speak, silently wishing away this nightmare.
Seungho almost screams. "Did you?"
"Yeah, we fucked." Byunghee says, point blank. "Twice."
Seungho stays silent. Danger is in the air, but Byunghee doesn't seem to take notice.
"Oh, sorry. It really depends on how you were going to finish that sentence though, were you going to say, 'did you get down on your knees and blow him?' If that's the case, then well I'm sorry, I'd say, I don't know. Thrice?"
Seungho abruptly stands from his seat and grabs Byunghee by the collar of his shirt. "Take it back."
Byunghee shrugs, unfazed. "A mouth is a mouth."
That's the final straw for Seungho, but before he even has the chance to punch Byunghee's face, Changsun cuts him off. "Hit me," he says all of a sudden. Byunghee and Seungho turn to face him. "Go on," Changsun looks at Seungho, "Hit me."
Seungho harshly lets go of Byunghee's shirt, which sends the latter gracelessly falling on his seat. Byunghee merely sniggers, like this is just some sick game that he's used to playing.
"Was it my fault that your ex-girlfriend came onto me?" Seungho buries his head on his hands, trying to restrain himself from losing his composure. "You fucking asshole. I pushed her away. I liked her before but I couldn't do it. You know why?"
"Because I'm your friend," Byunghee mockingly says, looking up at Seungho through dark eyes and looking very somber all of a sudden. He scoffs. "That didn't stop you from getting her number though. You two secretly met up without even telling me. Thought I didn't know? Things were rocky back then, but you had to be the fucking cherry on top of the cake, didn't you? Who's the bastard now?"
Changsun frowns at Seungho questioningly. This, Byunghee takes notice of.
"Oops," Byunghee shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm sorry you didn't know."
"When was this?" Changsun speaks quietly.
"A long time ago," Seungho sighs, exhaustion draining his energy. "It was a long time ago."
Byunghee is drunkenly smirking at the side despite his apology. "How long ago?" Changsun asks, the weight of his wrongdoing a lot heavier than what Seungho has admitted to have done. It doesn't give him the right to be angry.
"I saw you," Seungho gulps, and it makes Changsun's chest tighten watching how exasperated he seems to be, how bloodshot and tired Seungho's eyes look. "You and Jihoon-hyung. I saw you two."
Changsun feels the world stop moving, his heart seemingly pounding mercilessly in his chest by the way he looks at Seungho, as if time stopped ticking. No one is supposed to know, not a single soul aside from him and Jihoon-hyung and it's as if there's a pitch black hole from where their secrets are all hiding in, secrets that long to vanish and to be forgotten, but at the moment, the dark burrow of shame and regret just wouldn't stop vomiting all of them out.
"Saw us what?"
"You two were… In the… Just the two of you, alone," Seungho hates to acknowledge it, because then it would actually mean that it's real, that it actually happened. "You know what I'm saying…"
Changsun breathes out unsteadily, wanting to erase the memory. "Seungho. That was- That was a really… long time ago. We're not- It's not like that anymore."
"Since then, I've always thought that I didn't have a chance," Seungho looks at him straight in the eye, then turns to looks at Byunghee. "It was only natural of me to seek comfort in other people. We weren't even close to doing anything. We just talked. Besides, what's wrong with exchanging numbers with a friend? At least I didn't hit on her in some party, like what you did to everyone I mutually liked. And yes," Seungho pauses and looks up at Changsun with dark, honest eyes. "I've liked you since way back."
Changsun's expression crumbles into something inexplicable and Seungho doesn't know what hurts more than seeing Changsun fall apart. Still, there's an easy anger in him that's heightened (mostly because of the alcohol - it's what alcohol does to people) and careless, hurtful words leave his mouth involuntarily. "Feel better? Happy? Do you feel loved now?"
"W-wait, hold on for a second. Changsun?" Byunghee says under his breath, appalled. "You and Jihoon-hyung? Goddamn. The fuck have you been hiding? I'm sorry for being angry, but I knew it. I knew it! How could I not know? Is this why he shows you off like some jackpot he won at the lottery? The reason why 80% of our videos consists of your face? We've all been working our asses off but well shit, you just take the cake for working your ass off in different ways, don't you?"
"You fucking bastard," Seungho threatens and once again, he's on his feet with his hands gripping the collar of Byunghee's shirt. "How dare you speak like this."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Byunghee continues, still apologizing (sarcastically), still unfazed. "Did you suck his cock, too?"
"I never-" Changsun retorts.
"Is that why you're the leader? That's it, isn't it?"
"Take that back."
"S'pretty normal. We all know these things happen anyway. Jihoon-hyung…" Byunghee says thoughtfully. "He doesn't really fancy me in that way…"
Changsun shakes his head in horror and disappointment. "He's not… Jihoon-hyung, he's not like that-"
Seungho shoves Byunghee back on his seat, walks away and leaves for his room without a word.
"Well, isn't this great? Guys, we have nothing to hide from each other anymore! Hear that, Seungho-ah?" Byunghee screams, but is replied with a loud slam of a door. "You guys should thank me!"
After a stale moment of awkward silence, Changsun gets up on his feet and starts cleaning up after the mess, stays peculiarly silent the whole time.
"You're being awfully quiet," Byunghee comments, awkwardly watching Changsun in silence as the man cleans up. "Talk, will you? It's killing me."
"What else is there to say?" Changsun doesn't look at him and continues picking up stray food containers and bottles from the floor. "The damage is done."
"Were you going to tell him though?" Byunghee asks, genuine concern in his voice. Changsun isn't speaking, and whether it be unsubstantial words or not, Changsun always, always has something to say. Come to think of it, he's been awfully quiet this whole time, but Byunghee only recalls this detail a few hours later. "Hey, hey. You have to realize that it was killing me, too. Keeping it a secret from him."
"You didn't have to be so…"
"I'm sorry it came out that way."
Changsun haphazardly drops the bottles of soju inside the trashcan and doesn't mutter a word.
"Hey, look. I'm really, really sorry. I mean it."
"It's okay," Changsun mutters weakly from where he's standing. He almost looks like he's about to cry, but Byunghee can't really tell. Changsun musters a heartbreakingly morose smile that breaks Byunghee's heart and says, "I'm sorry, too."
When Changsun retreats to his room and the ticking of the kitchen clock fills the air and mercilessly rings through Byunghee's ears, Byunghee sits back, thinking how lonely criminals must feel when the truth of the matter is everyone is a victim.
Seungho/Joon (w/ mentions of Byunghee/Joon and Rain/Joon)
R ; 2612 w.
warning: contains angst and dark themes.
a/n: this ended up a darker than i expected it to be. also, i have nothing against rain and byunghee (who i've portrayed as such an imbecile here :/ i'm apologizing as early as now, i'm sorry ). came from a request with this prompt: "seungjoon with mentions of byunghee/joon from the past. the three have a drinking session in their apartment, drinks spill as well as secrets. angst galore please (and i mean a lot of angst). could be au or not, up to you. :)" by fxckinmyway . i'm only hoping this satisfies you enough!
§
sick sad little world
nothing i know changes me at all
i'm always wanting you
"Fine," Byunghee says, on the verge of crossing the line between sanity and the state of being gone. Their dining table is wet with spilled drinks, add to that bags of chips and boxes of pizza scattered haphazardly on the kitchen counter. Their impromptu drinking session will definitely take its toll in the later morning.
"Since no one here is in the mood to be honest, I pick truth!"
Seungho smirks and takes a swig from his beer bottle, eyeing Changsun almost cheekily from across the table. Changsun's eyes meet his and he returns Seungho a somewhat reserved smile that is reminiscent of a lovestruck fool's. The two break out in knowing, mischievous grins.
"Goddamn. Will you two quit it with the lovey-dovey looks?" Byunghee comments loudly, laughing and precariously holding his shot glass in the air. "Want me to vomit on your faces? I mean, I can if you guys ask me to or, if you guys want, you know, just go right ahead and continue gazing at each other like two horny cats that want to fuck all day--that'd be fine, too, be my guest!"
Changsun and Seungho bang the table and hold their stomachs in laughter. They're left speechless from Byunghee's comment, the alcohol heightening their carefree mood, but after some deliberate thinking, Seungho finally decides on a question, not having the slightest awareness of the storm that it's about to cause.
(Later on in the day, during the early afternoon when their minds have cleared up a great amount and they'd almost be completely sobered up, Seungho would wonder if things would have been better if he hadn't asked the question at all.)
"The most sinful thing that you've done recently?" Seungho asks Byunghee absent-mindedly. The latter unceremoniously slams the bottom of his shot glass on the table, creating a loud 'thud' that fills the stale atmosphere of the room.
"You really don't want to know," Byunghee slurs and laughs to himself, all languid movements when he turns to face Changsun to grin stupidly at him. It's almost like recalling a dirty little secret that two best friends share, except in this case, Changsun's body stiffens, sparing a glance at Seungho for any sign of puzzlement or discomfort on his face.
If Seungho hadn't consumed the amount of alcohol he did, he would have noticed the way Changsun's face falls and the way the atmosphere tightens. He's only started feeling light headed at the moment, his movements beginning to feel loose and slack. Everything is sort of mixing together in a drowsy way, creating a happy little bubble for Seungho that slightly separates him with his surroundings.
"Hey, you picked truth!" Seungho whines playfully, inebriated as well but not as much as Byunghee. He pours Byunghee's glass with more soju, as if urging him to go on with it, and yet again, another empty bottle of soju is stacked among several other empty ones at the side of their table.
"Seungho-ah," Byunghee says pointedly. "Trust me on this one. You really, really don't want to know this one."
"I mooned a random stranger outside. In case you didn't know, it's 4 degrees celsius out," Seungho deadpans. "I think Changsun and I deserve to know this one."
"Does he?" Byunghee glances at Changsun, an inexplicable expression plastered on his face. Changsun is being peculiarly quiet, Seungho notices this, yet Changsun looks as if he could explode from all the emotions seemingly boiling under his skin. Still, he doesn't mutter a word. "I'm sorry he had to do that, expose his butt to some random guy outside and yeah it is fucking freezing, but--" Byunghee continues, "Seungho deserves to know this one, yeah? I mean, he does have the right to know. It'd be wrong if he didn't."
"Stop," Changsun mutters quietly, warning him. "Stop it."
Completely at a loss at what's going on, Seungho frowns in confusion and slight irritation. The alcohol is making his thoughts cloudy and vague but the morose and angry look on Changsun's face alerts him and tells him that there truly is something wrong. For once, Changsun remains the sober one.
"I'm sorry, but I have to say it. I picked truth, it would be unfair if I didn't. None of us really have a say on whether or not I should say it, I'm just following the game, I'm sorry," Byunghee mutters, fast and out of control. Changsun and Seungho are well aware of the fact that Byunghee apologizes endlessly when he's had too much to drink, it's some strange quirk he possesses, to apologize about absolutely everything and anything he does when he's intoxicated but it doesn't stop him from blurting out whatever he has in mind. That's the terrifying part, especially if you've got skeletons in your closet and embarrassing secrets to hide.
"Seungho-ah. I'm sorry, but I have to explain something to you first," Byunghee goes on. "You know, in case you didn't already know."
Seungho leans towards Changsun, suspecting that Byunghee will probably start muttering unsubstantial words that wouldn't make any sense, mutters hazily, "Changsun-ah, what is he-"
"Listen. You see, Seungho, Changsun has a little problem," Byunghee speaks in riddles, staring at the way his fingertip circles around the top his shot glass. "He's been feeling a bit lonely lately."
Seungho frowns at that and turns his gaze to Changsun, who only looks back at him looking like he's seeing a ghost, wretched and terrified. For a moment there, Seungho is positive that he turns deaf, as if all the little details in his memory that baffled him in the past plays on fast forward in his head, like an uncontrollable whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.
It all makes sense now. The times when Changsun wouldn't answer his phone when he was away on a trip, whenever Changsun, despite his slightly larger frame and his boisterous demeanor, felt somewhat hesitant and uncharacteristically small in Seungho's arms. The times when Seungho couldn't point out what seemed to be guilt tripping Changsun, and the times when Cheolyong or Sanghyun would notice and ask Changsun what the problem is and would only be given a nonchalant - sometimes cold - shrug for their effort, but when Seungho would ask, it would be Changsun looking him in the eye for a brief moment only to look away the next, add to this Changsun muttering an earnest it's nothing, I'm sorry afterwards. You know I love you, right?
Seungho had always wondered why Changsun would apologize and it all comes crashing down on him all of a sudden, making his stomach sink and his chest tighten, thinking about all the possibilities that he overlooked and didn't give a second thought at that time.
Realizing that there had been a different meaning to those words makes Seungho furious, not so much at Changsun but at himself.
"Oh?" Amused, Byunghee switches his gaze from Changsun to Seungho, Seungho to Changsun, and back and back again. He scoffs in disbelief, "Seungho-ah, you didn't know? I'm sorry to break it to you, but..."
Changsun looks down, unable to look at either of them in the eye. Though Seungho knows where this is going, he wants to hold Changsun in his arms and hide him away from the world. He's well aware that he's not supposed to feel this way at the moment - he's well aware that he should be angry, enraged and frustrated at Changsun - but all the feelings of care and protection he has towards him overpowers everything, and it's then that he realizes that he has fallen deeply and irrevocably for this man in front of him - his friend, his happiness, his notes on his piano sheets.
"It was only once," Seungho begins shakily, wanting the words that leave his mouth to hold their true meaning. "It was only once, right? When you two were at that after party? That time I wasn't here?"
"You were gone too many times, Seungho-ah." Byunghee answers matter-of-factly, wearing a flippant levity that tugs on Seungho's nerves. Seungho keeps reminding himself to blame it on Byunghee's drunkenness, but it's easier said than done. "And, I'm sorry to break it to you but it really doesn't take a lot for our Changsun here to get drunk-"
"What in the world are you saying?" Changsun mutters under his breath. "I wasn't the only one! You were as smashed as me!"
"You wouldn't know and maybe I wouldn't either, but I do remember quite a few things," Byunghee turns to face Seungho. "Crucial things. I don't think you'd want to know."
"So you did?" Seungho musters all his patience to stop his voice from shaking. He looks at Changsun in disbelief. "Did you?"
Changsun can't bring himself to speak, silently wishing away this nightmare.
Seungho almost screams. "Did you?"
"Yeah, we fucked." Byunghee says, point blank. "Twice."
Seungho stays silent. Danger is in the air, but Byunghee doesn't seem to take notice.
"Oh, sorry. It really depends on how you were going to finish that sentence though, were you going to say, 'did you get down on your knees and blow him?' If that's the case, then well I'm sorry, I'd say, I don't know. Thrice?"
Seungho abruptly stands from his seat and grabs Byunghee by the collar of his shirt. "Take it back."
Byunghee shrugs, unfazed. "A mouth is a mouth."
That's the final straw for Seungho, but before he even has the chance to punch Byunghee's face, Changsun cuts him off. "Hit me," he says all of a sudden. Byunghee and Seungho turn to face him. "Go on," Changsun looks at Seungho, "Hit me."
Seungho harshly lets go of Byunghee's shirt, which sends the latter gracelessly falling on his seat. Byunghee merely sniggers, like this is just some sick game that he's used to playing.
"Was it my fault that your ex-girlfriend came onto me?" Seungho buries his head on his hands, trying to restrain himself from losing his composure. "You fucking asshole. I pushed her away. I liked her before but I couldn't do it. You know why?"
"Because I'm your friend," Byunghee mockingly says, looking up at Seungho through dark eyes and looking very somber all of a sudden. He scoffs. "That didn't stop you from getting her number though. You two secretly met up without even telling me. Thought I didn't know? Things were rocky back then, but you had to be the fucking cherry on top of the cake, didn't you? Who's the bastard now?"
Changsun frowns at Seungho questioningly. This, Byunghee takes notice of.
"Oops," Byunghee shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm sorry you didn't know."
"When was this?" Changsun speaks quietly.
"A long time ago," Seungho sighs, exhaustion draining his energy. "It was a long time ago."
Byunghee is drunkenly smirking at the side despite his apology. "How long ago?" Changsun asks, the weight of his wrongdoing a lot heavier than what Seungho has admitted to have done. It doesn't give him the right to be angry.
"I saw you," Seungho gulps, and it makes Changsun's chest tighten watching how exasperated he seems to be, how bloodshot and tired Seungho's eyes look. "You and Jihoon-hyung. I saw you two."
Changsun feels the world stop moving, his heart seemingly pounding mercilessly in his chest by the way he looks at Seungho, as if time stopped ticking. No one is supposed to know, not a single soul aside from him and Jihoon-hyung and it's as if there's a pitch black hole from where their secrets are all hiding in, secrets that long to vanish and to be forgotten, but at the moment, the dark burrow of shame and regret just wouldn't stop vomiting all of them out.
"Saw us what?"
"You two were… In the… Just the two of you, alone," Seungho hates to acknowledge it, because then it would actually mean that it's real, that it actually happened. "You know what I'm saying…"
Changsun breathes out unsteadily, wanting to erase the memory. "Seungho. That was- That was a really… long time ago. We're not- It's not like that anymore."
"Since then, I've always thought that I didn't have a chance," Seungho looks at him straight in the eye, then turns to looks at Byunghee. "It was only natural of me to seek comfort in other people. We weren't even close to doing anything. We just talked. Besides, what's wrong with exchanging numbers with a friend? At least I didn't hit on her in some party, like what you did to everyone I mutually liked. And yes," Seungho pauses and looks up at Changsun with dark, honest eyes. "I've liked you since way back."
Changsun's expression crumbles into something inexplicable and Seungho doesn't know what hurts more than seeing Changsun fall apart. Still, there's an easy anger in him that's heightened (mostly because of the alcohol - it's what alcohol does to people) and careless, hurtful words leave his mouth involuntarily. "Feel better? Happy? Do you feel loved now?"
"W-wait, hold on for a second. Changsun?" Byunghee says under his breath, appalled. "You and Jihoon-hyung? Goddamn. The fuck have you been hiding? I'm sorry for being angry, but I knew it. I knew it! How could I not know? Is this why he shows you off like some jackpot he won at the lottery? The reason why 80% of our videos consists of your face? We've all been working our asses off but well shit, you just take the cake for working your ass off in different ways, don't you?"
"You fucking bastard," Seungho threatens and once again, he's on his feet with his hands gripping the collar of Byunghee's shirt. "How dare you speak like this."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Byunghee continues, still apologizing (sarcastically), still unfazed. "Did you suck his cock, too?"
"I never-" Changsun retorts.
"Is that why you're the leader? That's it, isn't it?"
"Take that back."
"S'pretty normal. We all know these things happen anyway. Jihoon-hyung…" Byunghee says thoughtfully. "He doesn't really fancy me in that way…"
Changsun shakes his head in horror and disappointment. "He's not… Jihoon-hyung, he's not like that-"
Seungho shoves Byunghee back on his seat, walks away and leaves for his room without a word.
"Well, isn't this great? Guys, we have nothing to hide from each other anymore! Hear that, Seungho-ah?" Byunghee screams, but is replied with a loud slam of a door. "You guys should thank me!"
After a stale moment of awkward silence, Changsun gets up on his feet and starts cleaning up after the mess, stays peculiarly silent the whole time.
"You're being awfully quiet," Byunghee comments, awkwardly watching Changsun in silence as the man cleans up. "Talk, will you? It's killing me."
"What else is there to say?" Changsun doesn't look at him and continues picking up stray food containers and bottles from the floor. "The damage is done."
"Were you going to tell him though?" Byunghee asks, genuine concern in his voice. Changsun isn't speaking, and whether it be unsubstantial words or not, Changsun always, always has something to say. Come to think of it, he's been awfully quiet this whole time, but Byunghee only recalls this detail a few hours later. "Hey, hey. You have to realize that it was killing me, too. Keeping it a secret from him."
"You didn't have to be so…"
"I'm sorry it came out that way."
Changsun haphazardly drops the bottles of soju inside the trashcan and doesn't mutter a word.
"Hey, look. I'm really, really sorry. I mean it."
"It's okay," Changsun mutters weakly from where he's standing. He almost looks like he's about to cry, but Byunghee can't really tell. Changsun musters a heartbreakingly morose smile that breaks Byunghee's heart and says, "I'm sorry, too."
When Changsun retreats to his room and the ticking of the kitchen clock fills the air and mercilessly rings through Byunghee's ears, Byunghee sits back, thinking how lonely criminals must feel when the truth of the matter is everyone is a victim.