Happiness
What makes you smile on the inside? What makes you feel at home, no matter where you are?
Caught in an ongoing existentialist nightmare complete with blue skies and otherwise sunny days, life goes on. And it's not awful, or wonderful, though at moments it's either or both at the same time.
I wonder how much of my desire to be the center of attention is genetic, how much is due to my upbringing, and how much is imagined.
What is normal socialization? Why can I not make friends? How come getting over the hump of being a random acquaintance to friend seems like a trek across a frozen Mount Everest covered with diamond-studded spikes? How does age and gender play into the social world? What exactly is a friend? How much empathy is required to be a friend?
My "good" friendships all have one thing in common... they've begun as flirtations, even innocent, and took a left turn towards friendship. Which worked well when I was single, but I'm not, and I can't just flirt my way to friendships always. Not as I get older. Not as everyone else I'd be interested in socializing with are in their late 20s, 30s, and 40s.
So I just don't understand how to build friendships. I know a lot of people. Lots of people know... or know of me. But there is still some wall up in between a pseudo relationship of Facebook status updates and "likes" and "comments" and... let's go out for dinner and a movie, like friends do. Or, hey, let's go for a hike on Saturday. Or... let's go to a concert coming up and laugh at all the hipsters. Isn't that what friends do?
I'm in a fairly happy social place now because of being in a show. This show hasn't been about my role at all, my part is small, I try to do my best, but I don't think I really add anything to the cast except for being another body. However, I'm enjoying the experience because there are a lot of really cool people in the cast and crew. They're funny, intelligent, and people I'd want to spend time with outside of the rehearsal process if I knew how to make friends. It's just once the show starts to run, and then once it ends, all the acquaintances will be yet another Group on Facebook. And maybe that's just the nature of community theatre, but I feel like some people do make friends this way... as if you can't make friends while doing a hobby, then where else can you find friends?
I just think people don't like me. Is that really my neuroses and paranoia? Maybe. Things I say come out wrong. I tend to get hyper and silly which can annoy people. When I'm being serious and speaking my mind I'm sometimes too opinionated, or don't have a filter, which can make people dislike me. So I wouldn't hold it against anyone who doesn't like me. I just wish I knew where exactly I fit in the spectrum of human socialization and how I could make it so more people would want to be friends with me. Gosh, that sounds pathetic, doesn't it? But I don't think it is. I do have friends, a few good ones, and maybe I shouldn't want more. But I'm fascinated by people, and like to get to know people, and I just am not satisfied only knowing one person who I'm dating and probably will marry one day for the rest of my life. I like caring about people. Plural. Not sure I know how, though.
Caught in an ongoing existentialist nightmare complete with blue skies and otherwise sunny days, life goes on. And it's not awful, or wonderful, though at moments it's either or both at the same time.
I wonder how much of my desire to be the center of attention is genetic, how much is due to my upbringing, and how much is imagined.
What is normal socialization? Why can I not make friends? How come getting over the hump of being a random acquaintance to friend seems like a trek across a frozen Mount Everest covered with diamond-studded spikes? How does age and gender play into the social world? What exactly is a friend? How much empathy is required to be a friend?
My "good" friendships all have one thing in common... they've begun as flirtations, even innocent, and took a left turn towards friendship. Which worked well when I was single, but I'm not, and I can't just flirt my way to friendships always. Not as I get older. Not as everyone else I'd be interested in socializing with are in their late 20s, 30s, and 40s.
So I just don't understand how to build friendships. I know a lot of people. Lots of people know... or know of me. But there is still some wall up in between a pseudo relationship of Facebook status updates and "likes" and "comments" and... let's go out for dinner and a movie, like friends do. Or, hey, let's go for a hike on Saturday. Or... let's go to a concert coming up and laugh at all the hipsters. Isn't that what friends do?
I'm in a fairly happy social place now because of being in a show. This show hasn't been about my role at all, my part is small, I try to do my best, but I don't think I really add anything to the cast except for being another body. However, I'm enjoying the experience because there are a lot of really cool people in the cast and crew. They're funny, intelligent, and people I'd want to spend time with outside of the rehearsal process if I knew how to make friends. It's just once the show starts to run, and then once it ends, all the acquaintances will be yet another Group on Facebook. And maybe that's just the nature of community theatre, but I feel like some people do make friends this way... as if you can't make friends while doing a hobby, then where else can you find friends?
I just think people don't like me. Is that really my neuroses and paranoia? Maybe. Things I say come out wrong. I tend to get hyper and silly which can annoy people. When I'm being serious and speaking my mind I'm sometimes too opinionated, or don't have a filter, which can make people dislike me. So I wouldn't hold it against anyone who doesn't like me. I just wish I knew where exactly I fit in the spectrum of human socialization and how I could make it so more people would want to be friends with me. Gosh, that sounds pathetic, doesn't it? But I don't think it is. I do have friends, a few good ones, and maybe I shouldn't want more. But I'm fascinated by people, and like to get to know people, and I just am not satisfied only knowing one person who I'm dating and probably will marry one day for the rest of my life. I like caring about people. Plural. Not sure I know how, though.