The Subject of My Life
I remember the days when I believe honesty conquered all. The days of posting every single thought in my head to the internet publicly are long gone. While I still am guilty of TMI for public consumption, believe me, I've limited the details greatly. So what is it that I can write about publicly these days? It has all become so bland as far as my public persona. Well, bland with a mix of spam due to various attempts at marketing gone awry. But the whole me that was public is now hidden more than ever, which is ironic since I work for a company that's all about sharing your stories.
It's 3:16am and I'm having something that resembles a panic attack. I don't know if it is a panic attack because I've never understood the difference between a panic attack and just being me on a daily basis. I tend to start contemplating the meaning of life around this hour if I'm still awake, and that doesn't help me fall asleep.
I wish for one day I could wake up and be one of the millions of people in the world who didn't over analyze everything. Who didn't always see the positive in everyone else and then find the flaws so acutely within themselves. What's that like? To genuinely - not only like yourself - but to trust yourself. To know that your thoughts are worth something to someone other than you. How does that feel?
As I rehearse for my ensemble role in the upcoming production of Guys & Dolls I realize just how much I miss being a director, even though I couldn't handle all the responsibilities of management in terms of working with actors. I've never been good at interacting with people, period, let alone attempting to convince them that they came up with my ideas. Well, that's directing as management anyway. It was still really amazing to see my ideas come alive on stage, even if they were more or less a mixture of my ideas and the decisions made by all the actors and designers involved. Many of the specifics I had set in my head disappeared by the time the production opened. That is, all three shows I've directed thus far.
I have taken a break from directing. Because I don't know how well I really handle being in charge of a production. Which is why I'm even further concerned about what this means for the next 70+ years of my life. Isn't everyone good at something? Doesn't every person on this earth have some talent? Maybe it's just that I spend my daily life surrounded by brilliant people, it's only natural to feel mediocre at best. But it's not like this is anything new. I just want to find what I'm good at, and sometimes I think I've found it, and then either I'm too scared to pursue it, or such pursuit isn't rational, or I just can't deal with contemplating what failure of that degree would feel like.
It's this terrible catch 22 where it seems the things I'm good at revolve around really talking to people; I'm happiest when I'm connecting with people, making them feel comfortable baring their truths, taking down the walls, just dealing with all this crap that makes us human, whether that be laughing at it, or crying about it, or just talking about it, or communicating it through a play or other work of art. And yet I'm such a social anomaly. I used to think one day I'd grow out of being the weird kid on the playground but now I realize that you never grow out of who you are. You just accept it and move on, or don't and deal with the consequences.
For what it's worth, I've managed to make it this far. I don't know what that means. I've done a lot, met a lot of people, been a lot of places. I think a lot of people have "heard of" me through some online interaction (unlikely through a real life interaction.) I have a few good friends. You know, all the "good" stuff that comes along with what is supposed to make you happy. Great relationship, job, etc.
Yet being a human, or being a narcissist, or being whatever it is I am, I always want something more. I can never be satisfied with what is in the moment. I'm always looking for ways to improve. Because I'm a perfectionist. And I always see things that can be fixed. And my mind races with solutions. And I want all that to mean something, but it doesn't. It's just there to give me headaches. I don't know what the difference is between myself and someone who is out there running their own company, giving speeches with confidence, pitching investors for funds, collaborating with developers who believe in their vision, other than something that I don't think can be learned. It's just that thing you're born with, or maybe for some people your parents instill it into you, some grand pre-pubescent lesson where you are given the secrets to happiness and if you miss out on the tiny little window then, well, you're fucked.
Or... is it that I'm just 25 and I have a lot of time to still grow into whoever it is I'm supposed to be? What does age mean anyway? At 15, 18, even 21 I felt like I could use the age excuse. But now... no, I'm old enough where these things should be sorted out in my head. Yet I haven't changed a great deal since the days I stood alone during lunch time and stared at the cool kids playing kickball who would never talk to me. What does this kid do now?
It's 3:16am and I'm having something that resembles a panic attack. I don't know if it is a panic attack because I've never understood the difference between a panic attack and just being me on a daily basis. I tend to start contemplating the meaning of life around this hour if I'm still awake, and that doesn't help me fall asleep.
I wish for one day I could wake up and be one of the millions of people in the world who didn't over analyze everything. Who didn't always see the positive in everyone else and then find the flaws so acutely within themselves. What's that like? To genuinely - not only like yourself - but to trust yourself. To know that your thoughts are worth something to someone other than you. How does that feel?
As I rehearse for my ensemble role in the upcoming production of Guys & Dolls I realize just how much I miss being a director, even though I couldn't handle all the responsibilities of management in terms of working with actors. I've never been good at interacting with people, period, let alone attempting to convince them that they came up with my ideas. Well, that's directing as management anyway. It was still really amazing to see my ideas come alive on stage, even if they were more or less a mixture of my ideas and the decisions made by all the actors and designers involved. Many of the specifics I had set in my head disappeared by the time the production opened. That is, all three shows I've directed thus far.
I have taken a break from directing. Because I don't know how well I really handle being in charge of a production. Which is why I'm even further concerned about what this means for the next 70+ years of my life. Isn't everyone good at something? Doesn't every person on this earth have some talent? Maybe it's just that I spend my daily life surrounded by brilliant people, it's only natural to feel mediocre at best. But it's not like this is anything new. I just want to find what I'm good at, and sometimes I think I've found it, and then either I'm too scared to pursue it, or such pursuit isn't rational, or I just can't deal with contemplating what failure of that degree would feel like.
It's this terrible catch 22 where it seems the things I'm good at revolve around really talking to people; I'm happiest when I'm connecting with people, making them feel comfortable baring their truths, taking down the walls, just dealing with all this crap that makes us human, whether that be laughing at it, or crying about it, or just talking about it, or communicating it through a play or other work of art. And yet I'm such a social anomaly. I used to think one day I'd grow out of being the weird kid on the playground but now I realize that you never grow out of who you are. You just accept it and move on, or don't and deal with the consequences.
For what it's worth, I've managed to make it this far. I don't know what that means. I've done a lot, met a lot of people, been a lot of places. I think a lot of people have "heard of" me through some online interaction (unlikely through a real life interaction.) I have a few good friends. You know, all the "good" stuff that comes along with what is supposed to make you happy. Great relationship, job, etc.
Yet being a human, or being a narcissist, or being whatever it is I am, I always want something more. I can never be satisfied with what is in the moment. I'm always looking for ways to improve. Because I'm a perfectionist. And I always see things that can be fixed. And my mind races with solutions. And I want all that to mean something, but it doesn't. It's just there to give me headaches. I don't know what the difference is between myself and someone who is out there running their own company, giving speeches with confidence, pitching investors for funds, collaborating with developers who believe in their vision, other than something that I don't think can be learned. It's just that thing you're born with, or maybe for some people your parents instill it into you, some grand pre-pubescent lesson where you are given the secrets to happiness and if you miss out on the tiny little window then, well, you're fucked.
Or... is it that I'm just 25 and I have a lot of time to still grow into whoever it is I'm supposed to be? What does age mean anyway? At 15, 18, even 21 I felt like I could use the age excuse. But now... no, I'm old enough where these things should be sorted out in my head. Yet I haven't changed a great deal since the days I stood alone during lunch time and stared at the cool kids playing kickball who would never talk to me. What does this kid do now?