Pillow Shaped Heart on the Couch (2/4)
Title: Pillow Shaped Heart on the Couch
Author: playgirl_eugene
Pairing: JaeMin, ninja mentions of others
Genre: AU, fluff fluff fluff (please drown in it xD), smut smut smut, romance, slight drama, slight angst
Warning(s): graphic sex, slight kinks, a few swear words here and there, snarky Changmin as per request
Rating: T/15 - NC/17
Disclaimer: This fic is purely fictional and I do not earn profit of any kind and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Summary: In which the Soulfighters spend their Christmas together, or Shim Changmin is just as whipped as they come.
Author Note: Entered for the _starcandy project for dongbangasm. Hope you like it, darling, because writing this story in over 27.5k word count limit to meet all the prompts in the last two weeks before submission nearly put me into cardiac arrest. Or at least, something like peptic ulcer and it gave me panda eyes the size of an actual panda. I don’t even know how to thank Serena enough for understanding my delays in submitting this fic.
I try very hard to be funny. Really. But I think it’s a fail kind of comedy. Some ideas are inspired by “In Fits and Starts” by wynnetimate, which is simply amazing, and a scene’s idea was based on “We Are Collapsed in the Act of Just Being Here” by raven. The main time line of this story is one or two years in the future.
<< Part One
03:15 PM, 25th December
Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano Felicidad
“That will be nine-thousand-six-hundred-and-forty won. Will you be paying in cash or credit?” The cashier beamed, looking as cheerful as the pointy bright red hat she wore but somehow, it only served to annoy Changmin even more.
Changmin grunted irritably and spilled his wallet’s content looking for some loose change before picking up the twin bulky plastic bags of eggs that Jaejoong had sent him to buy from the nearest supermarket.
“Thank you for coming and have a Merry Christmas!”
Well, Changmin knew for one thing that he wouldn’t be having any Merry Christmas this year if he didn’t get his eggnog dessert later.
Of all things that Jaejoong’s scattered brain decided to miss, why his eggnogs?
Changmin made another show of glowering misery as he trudged to the station, half dragging the plastic bags and suddenly feeling like laying eggs all of a sudden. He was waiting for the bus, all the while thinking about egg-laying, when his cell phone suddenly blared to life from his jeans’ pocket.
I want nobody nobody but you
I want nobody nobody but you
How can I be with another, I don’t want any other
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody
“What the fuck-?”
Everyone within ten feet turned to stare-a few mothers were even glaring-at him as Changmin frantically fumbled with his bags and phone. The screen flashed Honey Funny Bunny in huge, bold letters on the blinking screen with another selca of Jaejoong making a cutesy kissy face at him.
He scowled before placing the phone to his ear, “Yah! Kim Jaejoong, what the hell did you do to my phone again?”
[“Awwwh~ you don’t like it, Changminnie?”]
“Don’t you take that tone with me, you sneaky bastard!” Changmin snapped, only realizing that he was shouting when a small, bug-eyed old lady sitting next to him nearly stabbed his toe with her mean looking purple umbrella. He buried his face into his palm and hissed, “Why do you keep doing this to me?”
[“Why?”] Jaejoong echoed innocently, [“Hmm. Well, because I. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. You. Shim. Chang. Min. Min. Min. Min. Min. So tingly tingly my body is trembling~”] Jaejoong sing-songed in SNSD’s Gee, while probably trying to imitate the crab leg dance too.
Changmin hated that song.
Changmin groaned again, wondering if he would ever win against Kim Jaejoong. “Well, you called me earlier. What do you want?”
Jaejoong cooed, [“Wheatgrass snow cones~”]
Changmin paused. He pulled his phone away from his ear, puckered his brow, and promptly disconnected the call. Exactly two seconds later, his phone nearly jumped in the air as the stupidly embarrassing song blasted on full volume again.
He answered it.
[“Yahyahyahyahyah! Did you just hang up on me! Why did you hang up on me, Shim Changmiiin~?”] Jaejoong whined, tone dulcet but dangerously so.
Changmin could hear the sound of Jaejoong’s foot stomping on the floor because even though Jaejoong was mostly all “wheee” about everything else, he hated it when someone hung up on him.
Changmin didn’t even miss a beat, “I thought I heard something disgustingly disturbing. Satellite signals are so unreliable these days. What did you want again, baby?”
[“Wheatgrass snow cones!”]
Ah, so he didn’t hear wrong.
“… What the fuck is that?” Changmin had to avoid another umbrella attack from the offended old lady sitting next to him. He glared back at her before whispering loudly into his phone, “Wheatgrass snow cones?”
[“It’s a new thing on TV. Some sort of Christmas special edition stuff. It’s super popular, too. That thing looks like something that only Yunja and Junsu could concoct on their bad days. But it tastes-”] He paused, [“Well, I think it tastes like something they would concoct on their bad days, too. But supposedly, it’s good for your health.”]
“And you want me to buy these… these snow cones for you. Why?” Changmin asked, completely bewildered.
[“Because I want to eat it, silly!”] Jaejoong laughed like it was obvious because he was crazy. [“The baby and I want snow cones, Changmin-ah. So you should totally buy us some. Like now.”]
“Where the fuck am I supposed to find them?” Changmin said, wondering if it was something about Christmas spirit that made his boyfriend a little more “off” than usual. If so, he was going to ask Father Christmas for a refund. “… And since when the fuck are you pregnant?”
Jaejoong giggled, the sound of his laughter ringing like bells in Changmin’s ears. [“Just buy me the snow cones, Changmin-ah. Wheatgrass ones. I’m sure you’ll find them somewhere. I’ll love you some more if you do. Baibi~”]
Jaejoong hung up before Changmin could say anything else.
He dialled Jaejoong’s number again, but he was redirected to his mailbox so he left a rather explicit voicemail instead before begrudgingly went to look for the “fucking wheatgrass snow cones” anyway.
- - - - -
Surprisingly, there was an open snack stand about twenty minutes walk away from the bus stop that actually sold the so-called elusive wheatgrass snow cones-with a shocking queue line that was long enough to reach from here to there and the next block.
Changmin spluttered as he got in line, ignoring a group of giddy looking high school girls who was giggling at him, just what the hell is wrong with people nowadays? Seriously, wheatgrass snow cones?
Forty minutes into queuing, a spilled snow cone, one foot slip accident, a pair of annoying ahjummas, and some two dozen eggs mishaps later, Changmin went home in a strangely solemn mood, his hair and coat covered in eggs, not even caring that people were staring and pointing anymore.
Eggnogs, bye-bye bye-bye.
… Well, at least he got those snow cones Jaejoong wanted.
-
-
-
Interlude
You are So Loveable from Head to Toe
This was what Jaejoong loved: Changmin. From the first eight-thousand won to the eight-thousand-and-first uneven smile.
It was embarrassing how he was so helplessly smitten by Changmin, who was younger, yet moved with more confidence, was aloof and sharp, but really was nothing more than a six foot two teddy bear.
Yoochun’s exact words had been “totally crazy eyes, dudes,” but in English, so it wasn’t like Jaejoong understood what it meant.
At point blank, Jaejoong was suddenly crazy in love with everything about Changmin.
Everything from his harsh, realistic mind-set and razor-sharp tongue that intimidated people and was such a contrast to his deep thoughtfulness, his brusque affection, but undying loyalty to Junsu, Yoochun, and Yunho, his long-standing affair with food, and his love for the little Mangdongie, from the tips of his hair and down to the wiggle of his littlest toes.
He loved how Changmin would glance his way when Jaejoong was talking too close to someone, spine stiffening when there was an actual physical contact-an innocent brush of the back of hands, a meaningless tuck of hair, a careless peck on a cheek, that Jaejoong always made sure to happen whenever Changmin was near and thought that Jaejoong didn’t notice him-and it didn’t matter who, because Changmin’s jealousy was sharp, a quiet force, but mostly unreasonable.
He loved how Changmin always unconsciously sought out the line of Jaejoong’s eyes, scowling if someone happened to be in it, because no one is good enough for Jaejoong in his eyes, loved how Changmin was always so detailed, so organized, but he never realized that his toothbrush was used by someone else, or how he always complained that Jaejoong used all his shampoo, but talked in his sleep that Jaejoong smelled so good.
He loved that he was the only one had duplicate keys to Changmin’s studio apartment and he wore it around his neck like a lucky charm, loved how Changmin loved his cooking.
He loved that Changmin had a drawer of clothes over at Jaejoong’s place. When he did the laundry sometimes, he would bring Changmin’s clothes to his nose, breathing in the scent that was distinctly Changmin that wouldn’t go away even with all the detergent he used before folding them lovingly.
He loved that they were content to spend the blistering summers lazing around the floor with the air conditioner on full blast, sharing an iPod between them until the battery ran out.
He loved the way Changmin pretended to be stronger than any of them when he was actually younger, more vulnerable. He loved the way Changmin loved him, even if Changmin was oblivious to that love.
Jaejoong loved a lot of things. He loved Shim Changmin.
- - - - -
Jaejoong remembered when his favourite grandfather used to take him on camping-fishing trips before he passed away in a hiking incident in New Zealand.
When he was younger, Jaejoong didn’t see the appeal of fishing. When older, well, he still didn’t see the appeal, but if he knew anything about fishing after growing up, it was always a waiting game, all about knowing when to bait and hook, line, sink at the right time.
Two years, that was how long Jaejoong waited until he threw the bait and his penny into the game.
He had to, before Changmin’s little girlfriend could up him one.
- - - - -
“I… I heard from the girls that Changmin went to a hotel at Hongdae yesterday. He was with Lee Yeonhee.”
Thinking about it, Jaejoong had taken the news with considerable calm, not breaking down or fainting or anything, but Hyunjoong and Yihan still looked at him like he was a time bomb without the clock.
So they all knew, Jaejoong thought with an indignant, but half-fond exasperation. They had known all along and just let Changmin and Jaejoong think they didn’t.
All of them knew, but Changmin. This was getting ridiculous.
Christmas that year was the most miserable he’d had since he met Changmin.
He spent it locked in his room, alone and crying quietly into his pillow because Changmin was a jerk and Jaejoong was going to die from a runny nose because he caught a cold that night.
But it didn’t matter. It never mattered. He’d wait.
Jaejoong was good at waiting. He made it effortless, made it almost graceful, but fruitful.
He knew how to be patient, but at the same time, he was purposeful and scheming (people everywhere thought Kim Jaejoong wasn’t capable of guile, but even that came as an advantage) to get what he wanted.
And he wanted Changmin.
It was just like that camping trip, like what his favourite grandfather always said about fishing, “You’ll get the biggest fish in the water, Jaejoong-ah. But only if you know just how to bait it right and wait it to come to you. And then-”
He had thrown his bait. Now he waited.
-
-
-
05:56 PM, 25th December
Santa Baby So Hurry Down the Chimney Tonight
It wasn’t like he did it on purpose. No, really.
After Changmin got home, Jaejoong had squealed and nearly threw himself at Changmin in his usual manner of welcoming him home, but had paused halfway and wrinkled his nose at the sight of his normally dashing boyfriend covered in eggs from head to knees.
Changmin had scowled, open arms hanging awkwardly in the air with the initial intent of catching Jaejoong, and they stared at each other for a long moment before Changmin suddenly ran after Jaejoong, all intent and purpose of bear-hugging the older man.
Jaejoong had squeaked and fled to the kitchen.
They went at it for ten minutes before Jaejoong threatened him to surrender the snow cones and take a shower, all the while waving a vaguely dangerous looking spatula-whisk thing.
Five minutes later, he found himself rummaging through his boyfriend’s sea of manly beauty products and manly BB creams and manly skin care bottles that crowded the bathroom cabinet for a bottle of shampoo that wasn’t fruity or headache inducing when he popped open the lid because his ever-so-thoughtful boyfriend had used Changmin’s all up and had conveniently forgotten to buy some more.
He pulled out a plastic squeeze tube from a glittery pink basket. It was a non-descript white with green and brown swirls. No labels, which was weird because Jaejoong was a complete brand queen. He flicked the sparkly green cap and sniffed carefully, smelling peppermint candy and a hint of something sweet. Maybe toffee?
Changmin’s brow furrowed. Was it a body wash gel or something? Some new kind of shampoo?
He flipped the tube over and squinted at the tiny print on the back label. It was in English and though he took a class last semester at college, he only got about one tenth of the whole thing, but he shrugged it off, figuring it couldn’t hurt anyway.
Well, whatever.
At least, it didn’t smell like all the girly shit Jaejoong accumulated in their bathroom, Changmin thought as he squirted a dollop of the clear gel like liquid on his palm before running it through his hair under the running water.
It was only then that he realized the subtle, barely there, but very, very familiar scent of something plastic and Changmin froze, eyes wide open, full of unspoken horrors, as he lowered his hands in near slow motion and carefully brought them back to his nose and-sniff.
Oh. Shit.
- - - - -
“… Why do you have a peppermint toffee flavoured lube in the bathroom?”
“Oh, you found that? I ordered it online. There’s this really funky website that offered these crazy Christmas-flavoured lubes. You know, like those seasonal drinks at Starbucks?” Jaejoong paused, suddenly poking his head through their closet opening. “Oh, and I used your credit card by the way.”
“That’s not my point-what are you wearing?”
Jaejoong had just emerged from the closet in a very puffy, very very red looking Santa suit, complete with a Santa hat with cutesy antlers and a pair of white boots with pompoms that Changmin was pretty sure didn’t come in men’s sizes in Korea.
He was even wearing one of those plastic, no prescription ulzzang glasses and a fake handle bar white moustache.
Changmin blurted the first thing that came to mind, “Are we having a new role play game or something?”
“Isn’t this cute? Hohoho~” Jaejoong didn’t seem to have heard him and instead gushed with exaggerated Santa voice, twirling on his feet and babbling Santa Claus is Coming to Town, in broken English, before he paused and laughed, much more flatly, “Hohoho. And look what I’ve got you to match with me!”
Jaejoong bubbled as he turned around, flashing Changmin a brown, furry looking Rudolph full gear, his big eyes shining and painfully hopeful.
Changmin stared at him from the open doorway, hands on hips. He looked remarkably like Jaejoong’s mother like that. Well, with biceps and over six feet tall.
And looking sexy dripping wet in just a towel.
“No,” Changmin said.
Jaejoong pouted sadly.
“No.” Changmin repeated. He glared at innocent Rudolph like he was trying to set it on fire with his mind. “And you how old? Suck in that lip. Don’t even think about flirting me into agreeing with it. I won’t do it.”
Jaejoong huffed and crossed his arms. “I don’t need to flirt. I will seduce you.” He paused again before he suddenly spread his legs, folded his arms, bent his knees, and pursed his lips determinedly, “With my awkwardness. Hai-yah!”
Jaejoong kicked his feet high in the air and ended up tripping back until he crashed into their unmade bed, rolled over, and dropped to the other side with a loud thud.
Changmin rolled his eyes, smirking. “Don’t hurt yourself trying, hyung. And was that supposed to be Bruce Lee?”
“Nooo~” Jaejoong whined, peeking from the other side of the bed while rubbing his head. Changmin could imagine him pouting already. “That was Abracadabra. Don’t you know that? Tch, you’re so old-fashion, baby dongsaeng.”
“How was that supposed to be Abracadabra?” Changmin snipped, “And don’t call me baby.”
Jaejoong stuck his tongue out and grinned, waving about another costume consisting of a flimsy looking jewelled thong with a green, leafy elf’s collar with berry pom-poms and nothing else.
“Well, you can be Santa’s little helper if you want.” Jaejoong said, somewhat lecherously, blinking his huge innocent eyes again.
The younger man raised an eyebrow, his arms now folded. “And I should choose, why?”
“Because~” Jaejoong sing-song, “I’m not talking to you until you do.”
“And that’s supposed to be a threat?”
“And I’ll burn your precious, trashy, explicit graphic novels that you thought you managed to hide under the kitchen sink.”
Changmin stared long and hard at Jaejoong’s beaming face before he finally sighed and pointed at Jaejoong’s left hand, completely defeated. “… I’ll take the Rudolph.”
Jaejoong cheerfully ran towards him, reindeer costume in hand.
“If you pull the towel off me, Kim, I swear I’ll-”
The towel was already flying halfway across the room before Changmin even finished talking and he grumbled when he suddenly found himself with an armful of Kim Jaejoong.
“My delayed welcome home hug~” Jaejoong said, closing his eyes as he nuzzled Changmin’s chest and kissed just above his nipple, his dark hair tickling Changmin’s collarbone. “Hmm, you smell nice.”
Changmin sighed again, unable to do much but put his arms around the older man.
Jaejoong had gotten just a little chubbier over the holidays from all the cakes and dinner parties, and though his boyfriend would gleefully strangle him with condom wrapper if he ever said it out loud, it still felt like the nicest feeling in the world as he buried his nose in Jaejoong’s hair.
It was a mystery to Changmin how Jaejoong always smelled like warm apple spice and steamed milk, despite all matter of floral smelling body wash taking permanent residence in the bathroom counter, a little like the detergent they used on the sheets, like their private Sunday morning spent lazing around in bed, like Christmas muffins and home-cooked meals.
Like home-
Sniff.
Jaejoong grabbed Changmin’s head and pulled him down, sniffing on his damp, tousled hair and blinked. “… Changmin-ah, why do you smell like peppermint toffee?”
“Shit!”
-
-
-
Unknown, 2006
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Changmin had a girlfriend. Once. It happened about two years after he met Jaejoong, but it felt like an eternity ago.
There were two kinds of visual memories of your past romances. One was the kind that your mind’s laboratory constructed, like how you remember a sequence of multiplication table, with your eyes open, and you remember everything in such commonness, like how he remembered his kindergarten teacher, who was his first crush, and all he could think about was “nice smile,” “pretty name,” “short, bobbed hair,” “bright, red mouth.”
Some days, he remembered his teacher being prettier than he ever thought she actually was, some days he didn’t and he would mistake her for someone else with her similar, general descriptions walking down the street. He would remember his first girlfriend like this, too.
The other kind of memory was the kind that remained, when you close your eyes, behind the eyelids and the retinas, an optical replica of a little ghost in all natural colours. This was how Changmin would always remember Kim Jaejoong.
But before that, there was Lee Yeonhee.
Yeonhee was pretty, was popular. There wasn’t much else that Changmin knew about her. Changmin was seventeen and she was his age, a girl from public relations. He remembered being a wreck when preparing for their first date, flipping over his wardrobe, all sweaty palms and too many breath fresheners.
Butterflies were cliché, but it happened though it didn’t last throughout the actual date. Yeonhee was nice, was sweet, they had a lot of things in common. It was nice, but Changmin felt a little disappointed that dating wasn’t as fun as he thought it would be.
He would’ve asked Jaejoong to come along, nearly forgetting the whole point of a date, but then Jaejoong and Yeonhee could barely tolerated each other.
Yeonhee was uncomfortable with his bluntness and his appearance. Jaejoong knew it when someone didn’t like him and chose to avoid conflicts most of the time.
They didn’t say anything because of Changmin, but Changmin always felt like Jaejoong went out of his way to distance himself ever since he started dating Yeonhee.
Changmin found himself over-thinking about what Jaejoong was doing and whether he’d be up for some late-night-ramyeon-in-the-cold out at their dorm’s terrace after he got back from his dinner with Yeonhee.
It could be barely called a dinner though, with Yeonhee heating a rabbit portion of dainty looking green salad and shooting disapproving looks when Changmin wanted to order his third serving of pasta. He was a growing boy, for god’s sake. This couldn’t be healthy for his diet.
Yeonhee picked on her meals, didn’t flail when she talked, didn’t spill things when she laughed, didn’t take pictures of things she thought was cute or meaningful when they walked down the street, didn’t stop to coo at someone’s dog (because she was allergic to the fur) or baby (because she was uncomfortable with children).
He thought he was being a little biased, because best friends were supposed to be comfortable and do embarrassing, stupid things with you, supposed to like things you liked, but girlfriends were not.
But then they went to movies and she didn’t like horror, didn’t like comedy, didn’t like romance, and didn’t like exploding action movies. She said Transformers and Harry Potter were for kids.
So they settled on the re-release of Titanic.
She didn’t eat popcorns by the handful or pelt Changmin with the kernels when she thought a scene was boring. She didn’t smack Changmin for monopolizing the popcorn either.
Yeonhee leaned her head on his shoulders, but her perfume was so powdery that Changmin felt like sneezing all the time.
Changmin didn’t even realize he was nodding off until Yeonhee said she needed to touch up her make-up in the toilet. He surreptitiously wiped a trail of drool at the side of his mouth with his sleeve and blinked quickly to dispel his sleepiness.
On screen, Jack was already sketching a naked Rose and Changmin belatedly realized that he had slept through nearly the whole thing since the first ten minutes mark.
By the time Titanic split in half, Changmin found himself instinctively offering a tissue pack to Yeonhee, who didn’t need it.
He awkwardly put the tissue pack away, feeling a little caught off guard because had it been Jaejoong, he would have been crying like a baby already. Because no matter how many times they watched the last twenty minutes of the movie, Jaejoong would always bawl his eyes out from the minute Titanic sunk up until Rose let go of Jack’s frozen body from the plank.
To be fair, the date had been nice. It had been… well, boring.
But despite everything, Changmin had loved Yeonhee. Even though he wasn’t sure it was the right kind of love, but she had been his first girlfriend, a good friend, a nice and smart girl that anyone would have liked, and he was still enjoying every novel experience, from holding hands, to kissing, to sharing ice creams, and planning for their one-hundredth day anniversary, which happened to be on Christmas.
All thoughts about Yeonhee and anniversaries flew from his head when Jaejoong casually mentioned that he was going to be alone this Christmas over their late-night-ramyeon-in-the-cold session one night, because Yoochun and Yunho would be going home and Junsu had plans to go to Osaka with his family to visit relatives.
Jaejoong had just laughed it off when Changmin asked if he was going to be alright. Even until the last five minutes before he left to meet Yeonhee.
(“What, it’s not like you can abandon your girlfriend on your one-hundredth day for me.” Jaejoong grinned, puffy-eyed and pale-lipped, with his nose red and running.
He was bundled in thick comforter, because they had shitty dorm heater and he was already down with a fever since yesterday night and was only functioning on paracetamol and mild ibuprofen.
“And moreover, it’s Christmas! It’s a couple’s day. Yeonhee-ssi will kill you if you bail out on her today of all day-”
Cough, cough. Cough, co-wheeze, cough.
Changmin nearly winced when Jaejoong rasped noisily, trying to regain his breath even as he tried to convince Changmin that he was okay.
Changmin hesitated, “But-”
“I’ll be okay. Seriously, I’m a big boy.” He shook his head, grabbing some Kleenex to blow his nose as loud as an elephant. Changmin had to smile because even that was adorable-in a completely platonic, non-sequitur point of view of course.
Jaejoong smiled, watery. “Now go. Before I decide to trap you here with me.”)
Jaejoong had pushed him out the door, smiling.
But Changmin couldn’t get that face Jaejoong made when he closed the door out of his head, even with Yeonhee nearly completely naked under him, even as he unhooked her bra and kissed the valley between her breasts, even as she moaned softly and wrapped her legs around him.
Jaejoong had looked so… lonely.
Changmin shook his head. He shouldn’t be doing this, thinking about his best friend when he was about to have sex for the first time with his girlfriend.
“Changmin-ah…” Yeonhee sighed, her voice pitching high, as Changmin’s hand went under her skirt.
Changmin opened his mouth, her name in his conscious mind, but there was another name at the tip of his tongue and suddenly there was a different person under him-larger eyes, fuller lips, prettier smile-a warmer voice, hotter touch.
“Changminnie~” Jaejoong would coo to his ears, wrapping his arms around Changmin’s neck, his body warm, familiar, voice soft-
Changmin froze, greatly disturbed all of a sudden by the rather condensed optical illusion. He closed his eyes, but the vision didn’t leave, but instead planted itself behind his eyelids and burned into his brain until it stayed there, found a home, and never wanted to leave.
He couldn’t do this, he thought as he pulled away completely from Yeonhee. He sat on the edge of the bed, his erection completely deflated.
He felt like he was cheating. Changmin had harboured an unrequited hatred for cheaters ever since his mother left his father for another man. But right now, it felt like he was one.
He just wasn’t sure just who had he cheated with whom and that was just ridiculous.
“Changmin?”
Changmin looked over his shoulders. Yeonhee was staring at him, her face flushed, confused, uncertain. He felt guilt tugging on the sleeves of his heart. She did nothing wrong, but she looked like she had.
“Is…” She wet her lips, “Is something wrong?”
He couldn’t come up with anything to say so he just stood, shoved his legs into his jeans and started to pull on his clothes.
Yeonhee looked almost panicked, “Changmin, what are you-?”
“Sorry, Yeonhee-ah. I can’t do this.” Changmin muttered as he pulled on his socks and hooked his belt-where was his wallet?
“W-What do you mean you can’t?” Yeonhee nearly shrieked, torn between humiliation and anger. Her face was completely red now, lips twisted, and she looked close to tears. “Is something wrong? Is it… Is it me? What did I do?”
Changmin shook his head, having found his wallet on the floor beside the lamp table. Now, he only had to look for his phone.
“Nothing is wrong with you.” It’s me. “I can’t do this to you, Yeonhee. Not…” Not when I’m thinking about my best friend under me when-God, I’m going crazy. He took a deep breath and stared into Yeonhee’s wet, accusing eyes that he had been avoiding. “I’m not about to be unfair to you like that, Yeonhee-ah.”
“Unfair? Unfair!” Yeonhee snapped, incredulous. “And you think this is fair, you bastard?!”
Changmin nodded, without hesitance, and ducked to avoid one of her heels when she hurled it at him.
“I’m really sorry, Yeonhee. I-I just need to go.”
“So that’s it?” Yeonhee screeched, tears flowing freely on her face. “You’re going to leave without any explanation? What, I’m not good enough for you or something?”
“It’s not like that. I’m just… It’s complicated, okay?” Changmin ran a hand through his hair. “You deserve better and I-”
“Complicated. Deserve better. That’s always the easiest way out, isn’t it?” She spat, bitter, a strangely thoughtful look on her face.
Changmin bit his tongue because she was right. Those words just now were just words, born out of trying to fit a situation, lacking in any real honesty or sincerity and anything else Changmin might say would just be the same.
“… Is it Kim Jaejoong?” Yeonhee asked.
Changmin froze.
The young woman snorted, bunching and gathering the sheets to cover her upper body, fist trembling. “It’s always about him. Kim Jaejoong this, Kim Jaejoong that. Jaejoong is so this, was so that.” She looked… hateful. Possessed. “The little bitch just knew how to rile you up, huh? What, did he get you off when I’m not available or something? Did you fuck him? His lips are so pretty, is he good at sucking-?”
Changmin frowned, the line of his body rigid. “Take it how you want, Yeonhee. But don’t you dare drag Jaejoong-hyung into this. I won’t let you.”
Yeonhee looked surprised by the coldness in his voice and deflated considerably, shoulders shaking and face pale. “W-What?”
“… It’s not like that.” Changmin said. “It’s no one’s fault, not yours or his. It’s just…” He wet his dry lips, “It’s just me.”
He felt like he should be saying something more, something to make her feel less worthless, something like she would find someone better, but couldn’t, so he pocketed his phone that he found under Yeonhee’s strewn jacket and headed for the door, taking out all the cash in his wallet before placing it on vanity on his way out.
“I’ll pay for everything. It should be enough for the taxi fee back too. Be careful on your way home.”
“I don’t need your money.” Yeonhee said, “You don’t have to play the concerned boyfriend part anymore. It makes you look like a hypocrite on top of being a sick bastard.”
“Just take it so I’ll know you get home safely.” Changmin muttered, slipping on his sneakers. “Because somehow I don’t think you’ll appreciate me calling.”
Yeonhee said nothing to that.
Changmin glanced at his watch. It was nearly eleven, Christmas wasn’t even over yet.
“Yah, Shim Changmin.” Yeonhee called, her last effort in this relationship, sitting on the bed with her back to Changmin as she clasped back her bra. “If you walk out that door, we’re over for good.”
Changmin didn’t even pause, “Then we’re over.”
He walked out and closed the door. He never turned back, even when he heard her sobs through the door and the sound of something-probably her other heel-thudding against the wooden door surface, probably meant for him.
He didn’t wait for the elevator. He used the emergency staircase instead and nearly tripped down a full flight of stairs when he missed a step.
He needed to go back.
- - - - -
He took the subway, and then the bus, interchanged twice, and ran the rest of the four blocks away because he ran out of T-money and he’d left all his cash with Yeonhee in a final act of ambiguous chivalry.
He tried to call Jaejoong’s phone, but no one answered and that never happened before.
His imagination worked up half-terrifying visions, like what if Jaejoong had fainted from dehydration or what if he had tripped over a soap bar in the bedroom and knocked himself over the head or what if he was helpless because there was no one to make him some late night meal and he refused to eat alone in that condition?
Because in all the years Changmin had known Jaejoong, though a little less than say, Yoochun, he’d always needed to be looked after a little after he spent the whole day looking after everyone. He needed those little post-its and tiny text messages to sleep or eat because he was happy when they replied his text messages by reminding him to take care of himself too.
Everyone knew that about Jaejoong.
That was why Junsu would buy those disgustingly unhealthy take-outs for him whenever both finance students were locked up in the library planning Wall Street takeover or something as ominous.
When it rained outside, Yoochun would play scrabbles with him and teach him how to play the piano because Jaejoong loved the piano but never had the chance to learn it.
If he was gloomy, then Yunho would cuddle with him on the couch, poke his cheeks and talk cutely at him while they watched some gruesome horror flick until Jaejoong was feeling better, even though Yunho mostly fainted at the sight of blood.
With Changmin, it was a little different-a bump on the shoulder, a mini wrestling session on the carpet, a slap here, a hit there.
It was always different.
When he reached back to Jaejoong’s door, he was out of breath, sweat soaking his back, and looking like he had been ran over by a stampede of angry elephants.
Or an angry Jaejoong.
His heart was racing, blood rushing in his ears, and he didn’t know why his palms were sweating so much, because it was ridiculous really, this was only Jaejoong’s apartment and he had been over almost every other days of the week.
So why was he hearing all these bells in his head?
When Jaejoong opened the door, he appeared puffy-eyed and miserable, like he had been crying or something and it tugged on Changmin’s heartstrings.
And suddenly, he was glad that came back after all.
Jaejoong looked up at him with wide eyes, his gaze unbelieving, like he thought he was delirious and Changmin wasn’t really there.
“C-Changmin…?” He rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm, half-hiding behind the door. He looked worse than he had before Changmin left, lips chapped and huge bags under his eyes.
Changmin wanted to hug him so much that he felt awkward all of a sudden. He cleared his throat, “I… I was-I thought someone has to watch over you before you accidentally kill yourself with a bottle opener or something in that condition, because we all know how you are with mishaps and shit, so… yeah…”
It sounded lame even to his ears.
Jaejoong blinked. Then blinked again.
Changmin’s tried to look casual, but his ears were burning red, because this is really embarrassing for some reason, and Jaejoong would probably notice how his hair was still a little wet from the shower he had back at the hotel and he was wearing his shirt inside out under the jacket.
He was pretty sure that he looked like Yeonhee had been riding him hard and putting him away wet, though they didn’t even get to do anything, and Jaejoong would probably say something demeaning about it because it wasn’t even midnight-
And then, Jaejoong’s lips curled into a small smile, the smile that would be stuck on Changmin’s throat, down to his lungs and stomach and heart, and never really left after that.
Jaejoong was sick he was a little muddled and probably didn’t notice it, but Changmin’s blush was one for the history books right up there beside Hitler and Benjamin Franklin.
Changmin thought the bells in his head were Christmas bells.
It wasn’t.
It was-
-
-
-
Part Three>>
Author: playgirl_eugene
Pairing: JaeMin, ninja mentions of others
Genre: AU, fluff fluff fluff (please drown in it xD), smut smut smut, romance, slight drama, slight angst
Warning(s): graphic sex, slight kinks, a few swear words here and there, snarky Changmin as per request
Rating: T/15 - NC/17
Disclaimer: This fic is purely fictional and I do not earn profit of any kind and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Summary: In which the Soulfighters spend their Christmas together, or Shim Changmin is just as whipped as they come.
Author Note: Entered for the _starcandy project for dongbangasm. Hope you like it, darling, because writing this story in over 27.5k word count limit to meet all the prompts in the last two weeks before submission nearly put me into cardiac arrest. Or at least, something like peptic ulcer and it gave me panda eyes the size of an actual panda. I don’t even know how to thank Serena enough for understanding my delays in submitting this fic.
I try very hard to be funny. Really. But I think it’s a fail kind of comedy. Some ideas are inspired by “In Fits and Starts” by wynnetimate, which is simply amazing, and a scene’s idea was based on “We Are Collapsed in the Act of Just Being Here” by raven. The main time line of this story is one or two years in the future.
<< Part One
03:15 PM, 25th December
Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano Felicidad
“That will be nine-thousand-six-hundred-and-forty won. Will you be paying in cash or credit?” The cashier beamed, looking as cheerful as the pointy bright red hat she wore but somehow, it only served to annoy Changmin even more.
Changmin grunted irritably and spilled his wallet’s content looking for some loose change before picking up the twin bulky plastic bags of eggs that Jaejoong had sent him to buy from the nearest supermarket.
“Thank you for coming and have a Merry Christmas!”
Well, Changmin knew for one thing that he wouldn’t be having any Merry Christmas this year if he didn’t get his eggnog dessert later.
Of all things that Jaejoong’s scattered brain decided to miss, why his eggnogs?
Changmin made another show of glowering misery as he trudged to the station, half dragging the plastic bags and suddenly feeling like laying eggs all of a sudden. He was waiting for the bus, all the while thinking about egg-laying, when his cell phone suddenly blared to life from his jeans’ pocket.
I want nobody nobody but you
I want nobody nobody but you
How can I be with another, I don’t want any other
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody
“What the fuck-?”
Everyone within ten feet turned to stare-a few mothers were even glaring-at him as Changmin frantically fumbled with his bags and phone. The screen flashed Honey Funny Bunny in huge, bold letters on the blinking screen with another selca of Jaejoong making a cutesy kissy face at him.
He scowled before placing the phone to his ear, “Yah! Kim Jaejoong, what the hell did you do to my phone again?”
[“Awwwh~ you don’t like it, Changminnie?”]
“Don’t you take that tone with me, you sneaky bastard!” Changmin snapped, only realizing that he was shouting when a small, bug-eyed old lady sitting next to him nearly stabbed his toe with her mean looking purple umbrella. He buried his face into his palm and hissed, “Why do you keep doing this to me?”
[“Why?”] Jaejoong echoed innocently, [“Hmm. Well, because I. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. You. Shim. Chang. Min. Min. Min. Min. Min. So tingly tingly my body is trembling~”] Jaejoong sing-songed in SNSD’s Gee, while probably trying to imitate the crab leg dance too.
Changmin hated that song.
Changmin groaned again, wondering if he would ever win against Kim Jaejoong. “Well, you called me earlier. What do you want?”
Jaejoong cooed, [“Wheatgrass snow cones~”]
Changmin paused. He pulled his phone away from his ear, puckered his brow, and promptly disconnected the call. Exactly two seconds later, his phone nearly jumped in the air as the stupidly embarrassing song blasted on full volume again.
He answered it.
[“Yahyahyahyahyah! Did you just hang up on me! Why did you hang up on me, Shim Changmiiin~?”] Jaejoong whined, tone dulcet but dangerously so.
Changmin could hear the sound of Jaejoong’s foot stomping on the floor because even though Jaejoong was mostly all “wheee” about everything else, he hated it when someone hung up on him.
Changmin didn’t even miss a beat, “I thought I heard something disgustingly disturbing. Satellite signals are so unreliable these days. What did you want again, baby?”
[“Wheatgrass snow cones!”]
Ah, so he didn’t hear wrong.
“… What the fuck is that?” Changmin had to avoid another umbrella attack from the offended old lady sitting next to him. He glared back at her before whispering loudly into his phone, “Wheatgrass snow cones?”
[“It’s a new thing on TV. Some sort of Christmas special edition stuff. It’s super popular, too. That thing looks like something that only Yunja and Junsu could concoct on their bad days. But it tastes-”] He paused, [“Well, I think it tastes like something they would concoct on their bad days, too. But supposedly, it’s good for your health.”]
“And you want me to buy these… these snow cones for you. Why?” Changmin asked, completely bewildered.
[“Because I want to eat it, silly!”] Jaejoong laughed like it was obvious because he was crazy. [“The baby and I want snow cones, Changmin-ah. So you should totally buy us some. Like now.”]
“Where the fuck am I supposed to find them?” Changmin said, wondering if it was something about Christmas spirit that made his boyfriend a little more “off” than usual. If so, he was going to ask Father Christmas for a refund. “… And since when the fuck are you pregnant?”
Jaejoong giggled, the sound of his laughter ringing like bells in Changmin’s ears. [“Just buy me the snow cones, Changmin-ah. Wheatgrass ones. I’m sure you’ll find them somewhere. I’ll love you some more if you do. Baibi~”]
Jaejoong hung up before Changmin could say anything else.
He dialled Jaejoong’s number again, but he was redirected to his mailbox so he left a rather explicit voicemail instead before begrudgingly went to look for the “fucking wheatgrass snow cones” anyway.
- - - - -
Surprisingly, there was an open snack stand about twenty minutes walk away from the bus stop that actually sold the so-called elusive wheatgrass snow cones-with a shocking queue line that was long enough to reach from here to there and the next block.
Changmin spluttered as he got in line, ignoring a group of giddy looking high school girls who was giggling at him, just what the hell is wrong with people nowadays? Seriously, wheatgrass snow cones?
Forty minutes into queuing, a spilled snow cone, one foot slip accident, a pair of annoying ahjummas, and some two dozen eggs mishaps later, Changmin went home in a strangely solemn mood, his hair and coat covered in eggs, not even caring that people were staring and pointing anymore.
Eggnogs, bye-bye bye-bye.
… Well, at least he got those snow cones Jaejoong wanted.
-
-
-
Interlude
You are So Loveable from Head to Toe
This was what Jaejoong loved: Changmin. From the first eight-thousand won to the eight-thousand-and-first uneven smile.
It was embarrassing how he was so helplessly smitten by Changmin, who was younger, yet moved with more confidence, was aloof and sharp, but really was nothing more than a six foot two teddy bear.
Yoochun’s exact words had been “totally crazy eyes, dudes,” but in English, so it wasn’t like Jaejoong understood what it meant.
At point blank, Jaejoong was suddenly crazy in love with everything about Changmin.
Everything from his harsh, realistic mind-set and razor-sharp tongue that intimidated people and was such a contrast to his deep thoughtfulness, his brusque affection, but undying loyalty to Junsu, Yoochun, and Yunho, his long-standing affair with food, and his love for the little Mangdongie, from the tips of his hair and down to the wiggle of his littlest toes.
He loved how Changmin would glance his way when Jaejoong was talking too close to someone, spine stiffening when there was an actual physical contact-an innocent brush of the back of hands, a meaningless tuck of hair, a careless peck on a cheek, that Jaejoong always made sure to happen whenever Changmin was near and thought that Jaejoong didn’t notice him-and it didn’t matter who, because Changmin’s jealousy was sharp, a quiet force, but mostly unreasonable.
He loved how Changmin always unconsciously sought out the line of Jaejoong’s eyes, scowling if someone happened to be in it, because no one is good enough for Jaejoong in his eyes, loved how Changmin was always so detailed, so organized, but he never realized that his toothbrush was used by someone else, or how he always complained that Jaejoong used all his shampoo, but talked in his sleep that Jaejoong smelled so good.
He loved that he was the only one had duplicate keys to Changmin’s studio apartment and he wore it around his neck like a lucky charm, loved how Changmin loved his cooking.
He loved that Changmin had a drawer of clothes over at Jaejoong’s place. When he did the laundry sometimes, he would bring Changmin’s clothes to his nose, breathing in the scent that was distinctly Changmin that wouldn’t go away even with all the detergent he used before folding them lovingly.
He loved that they were content to spend the blistering summers lazing around the floor with the air conditioner on full blast, sharing an iPod between them until the battery ran out.
He loved the way Changmin pretended to be stronger than any of them when he was actually younger, more vulnerable. He loved the way Changmin loved him, even if Changmin was oblivious to that love.
Jaejoong loved a lot of things. He loved Shim Changmin.
- - - - -
Jaejoong remembered when his favourite grandfather used to take him on camping-fishing trips before he passed away in a hiking incident in New Zealand.
When he was younger, Jaejoong didn’t see the appeal of fishing. When older, well, he still didn’t see the appeal, but if he knew anything about fishing after growing up, it was always a waiting game, all about knowing when to bait and hook, line, sink at the right time.
Two years, that was how long Jaejoong waited until he threw the bait and his penny into the game.
He had to, before Changmin’s little girlfriend could up him one.
- - - - -
“I… I heard from the girls that Changmin went to a hotel at Hongdae yesterday. He was with Lee Yeonhee.”
Thinking about it, Jaejoong had taken the news with considerable calm, not breaking down or fainting or anything, but Hyunjoong and Yihan still looked at him like he was a time bomb without the clock.
So they all knew, Jaejoong thought with an indignant, but half-fond exasperation. They had known all along and just let Changmin and Jaejoong think they didn’t.
All of them knew, but Changmin. This was getting ridiculous.
Christmas that year was the most miserable he’d had since he met Changmin.
He spent it locked in his room, alone and crying quietly into his pillow because Changmin was a jerk and Jaejoong was going to die from a runny nose because he caught a cold that night.
But it didn’t matter. It never mattered. He’d wait.
Jaejoong was good at waiting. He made it effortless, made it almost graceful, but fruitful.
He knew how to be patient, but at the same time, he was purposeful and scheming (people everywhere thought Kim Jaejoong wasn’t capable of guile, but even that came as an advantage) to get what he wanted.
And he wanted Changmin.
It was just like that camping trip, like what his favourite grandfather always said about fishing, “You’ll get the biggest fish in the water, Jaejoong-ah. But only if you know just how to bait it right and wait it to come to you. And then-”
He had thrown his bait. Now he waited.
-
-
-
05:56 PM, 25th December
Santa Baby So Hurry Down the Chimney Tonight
It wasn’t like he did it on purpose. No, really.
After Changmin got home, Jaejoong had squealed and nearly threw himself at Changmin in his usual manner of welcoming him home, but had paused halfway and wrinkled his nose at the sight of his normally dashing boyfriend covered in eggs from head to knees.
Changmin had scowled, open arms hanging awkwardly in the air with the initial intent of catching Jaejoong, and they stared at each other for a long moment before Changmin suddenly ran after Jaejoong, all intent and purpose of bear-hugging the older man.
Jaejoong had squeaked and fled to the kitchen.
They went at it for ten minutes before Jaejoong threatened him to surrender the snow cones and take a shower, all the while waving a vaguely dangerous looking spatula-whisk thing.
Five minutes later, he found himself rummaging through his boyfriend’s sea of manly beauty products and manly BB creams and manly skin care bottles that crowded the bathroom cabinet for a bottle of shampoo that wasn’t fruity or headache inducing when he popped open the lid because his ever-so-thoughtful boyfriend had used Changmin’s all up and had conveniently forgotten to buy some more.
He pulled out a plastic squeeze tube from a glittery pink basket. It was a non-descript white with green and brown swirls. No labels, which was weird because Jaejoong was a complete brand queen. He flicked the sparkly green cap and sniffed carefully, smelling peppermint candy and a hint of something sweet. Maybe toffee?
Changmin’s brow furrowed. Was it a body wash gel or something? Some new kind of shampoo?
He flipped the tube over and squinted at the tiny print on the back label. It was in English and though he took a class last semester at college, he only got about one tenth of the whole thing, but he shrugged it off, figuring it couldn’t hurt anyway.
Well, whatever.
At least, it didn’t smell like all the girly shit Jaejoong accumulated in their bathroom, Changmin thought as he squirted a dollop of the clear gel like liquid on his palm before running it through his hair under the running water.
It was only then that he realized the subtle, barely there, but very, very familiar scent of something plastic and Changmin froze, eyes wide open, full of unspoken horrors, as he lowered his hands in near slow motion and carefully brought them back to his nose and-sniff.
Oh. Shit.
- - - - -
“… Why do you have a peppermint toffee flavoured lube in the bathroom?”
“Oh, you found that? I ordered it online. There’s this really funky website that offered these crazy Christmas-flavoured lubes. You know, like those seasonal drinks at Starbucks?” Jaejoong paused, suddenly poking his head through their closet opening. “Oh, and I used your credit card by the way.”
“That’s not my point-what are you wearing?”
Jaejoong had just emerged from the closet in a very puffy, very very red looking Santa suit, complete with a Santa hat with cutesy antlers and a pair of white boots with pompoms that Changmin was pretty sure didn’t come in men’s sizes in Korea.
He was even wearing one of those plastic, no prescription ulzzang glasses and a fake handle bar white moustache.
Changmin blurted the first thing that came to mind, “Are we having a new role play game or something?”
“Isn’t this cute? Hohoho~” Jaejoong didn’t seem to have heard him and instead gushed with exaggerated Santa voice, twirling on his feet and babbling Santa Claus is Coming to Town, in broken English, before he paused and laughed, much more flatly, “Hohoho. And look what I’ve got you to match with me!”
Jaejoong bubbled as he turned around, flashing Changmin a brown, furry looking Rudolph full gear, his big eyes shining and painfully hopeful.
Changmin stared at him from the open doorway, hands on hips. He looked remarkably like Jaejoong’s mother like that. Well, with biceps and over six feet tall.
And looking sexy dripping wet in just a towel.
“No,” Changmin said.
Jaejoong pouted sadly.
“No.” Changmin repeated. He glared at innocent Rudolph like he was trying to set it on fire with his mind. “And you how old? Suck in that lip. Don’t even think about flirting me into agreeing with it. I won’t do it.”
Jaejoong huffed and crossed his arms. “I don’t need to flirt. I will seduce you.” He paused again before he suddenly spread his legs, folded his arms, bent his knees, and pursed his lips determinedly, “With my awkwardness. Hai-yah!”
Jaejoong kicked his feet high in the air and ended up tripping back until he crashed into their unmade bed, rolled over, and dropped to the other side with a loud thud.
Changmin rolled his eyes, smirking. “Don’t hurt yourself trying, hyung. And was that supposed to be Bruce Lee?”
“Nooo~” Jaejoong whined, peeking from the other side of the bed while rubbing his head. Changmin could imagine him pouting already. “That was Abracadabra. Don’t you know that? Tch, you’re so old-fashion, baby dongsaeng.”
“How was that supposed to be Abracadabra?” Changmin snipped, “And don’t call me baby.”
Jaejoong stuck his tongue out and grinned, waving about another costume consisting of a flimsy looking jewelled thong with a green, leafy elf’s collar with berry pom-poms and nothing else.
“Well, you can be Santa’s little helper if you want.” Jaejoong said, somewhat lecherously, blinking his huge innocent eyes again.
The younger man raised an eyebrow, his arms now folded. “And I should choose, why?”
“Because~” Jaejoong sing-song, “I’m not talking to you until you do.”
“And that’s supposed to be a threat?”
“And I’ll burn your precious, trashy, explicit graphic novels that you thought you managed to hide under the kitchen sink.”
Changmin stared long and hard at Jaejoong’s beaming face before he finally sighed and pointed at Jaejoong’s left hand, completely defeated. “… I’ll take the Rudolph.”
Jaejoong cheerfully ran towards him, reindeer costume in hand.
“If you pull the towel off me, Kim, I swear I’ll-”
The towel was already flying halfway across the room before Changmin even finished talking and he grumbled when he suddenly found himself with an armful of Kim Jaejoong.
“My delayed welcome home hug~” Jaejoong said, closing his eyes as he nuzzled Changmin’s chest and kissed just above his nipple, his dark hair tickling Changmin’s collarbone. “Hmm, you smell nice.”
Changmin sighed again, unable to do much but put his arms around the older man.
Jaejoong had gotten just a little chubbier over the holidays from all the cakes and dinner parties, and though his boyfriend would gleefully strangle him with condom wrapper if he ever said it out loud, it still felt like the nicest feeling in the world as he buried his nose in Jaejoong’s hair.
It was a mystery to Changmin how Jaejoong always smelled like warm apple spice and steamed milk, despite all matter of floral smelling body wash taking permanent residence in the bathroom counter, a little like the detergent they used on the sheets, like their private Sunday morning spent lazing around in bed, like Christmas muffins and home-cooked meals.
Like home-
Sniff.
Jaejoong grabbed Changmin’s head and pulled him down, sniffing on his damp, tousled hair and blinked. “… Changmin-ah, why do you smell like peppermint toffee?”
“Shit!”
-
-
-
Unknown, 2006
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Changmin had a girlfriend. Once. It happened about two years after he met Jaejoong, but it felt like an eternity ago.
There were two kinds of visual memories of your past romances. One was the kind that your mind’s laboratory constructed, like how you remember a sequence of multiplication table, with your eyes open, and you remember everything in such commonness, like how he remembered his kindergarten teacher, who was his first crush, and all he could think about was “nice smile,” “pretty name,” “short, bobbed hair,” “bright, red mouth.”
Some days, he remembered his teacher being prettier than he ever thought she actually was, some days he didn’t and he would mistake her for someone else with her similar, general descriptions walking down the street. He would remember his first girlfriend like this, too.
The other kind of memory was the kind that remained, when you close your eyes, behind the eyelids and the retinas, an optical replica of a little ghost in all natural colours. This was how Changmin would always remember Kim Jaejoong.
But before that, there was Lee Yeonhee.
Yeonhee was pretty, was popular. There wasn’t much else that Changmin knew about her. Changmin was seventeen and she was his age, a girl from public relations. He remembered being a wreck when preparing for their first date, flipping over his wardrobe, all sweaty palms and too many breath fresheners.
Butterflies were cliché, but it happened though it didn’t last throughout the actual date. Yeonhee was nice, was sweet, they had a lot of things in common. It was nice, but Changmin felt a little disappointed that dating wasn’t as fun as he thought it would be.
He would’ve asked Jaejoong to come along, nearly forgetting the whole point of a date, but then Jaejoong and Yeonhee could barely tolerated each other.
Yeonhee was uncomfortable with his bluntness and his appearance. Jaejoong knew it when someone didn’t like him and chose to avoid conflicts most of the time.
They didn’t say anything because of Changmin, but Changmin always felt like Jaejoong went out of his way to distance himself ever since he started dating Yeonhee.
Changmin found himself over-thinking about what Jaejoong was doing and whether he’d be up for some late-night-ramyeon-in-the-cold out at their dorm’s terrace after he got back from his dinner with Yeonhee.
It could be barely called a dinner though, with Yeonhee heating a rabbit portion of dainty looking green salad and shooting disapproving looks when Changmin wanted to order his third serving of pasta. He was a growing boy, for god’s sake. This couldn’t be healthy for his diet.
Yeonhee picked on her meals, didn’t flail when she talked, didn’t spill things when she laughed, didn’t take pictures of things she thought was cute or meaningful when they walked down the street, didn’t stop to coo at someone’s dog (because she was allergic to the fur) or baby (because she was uncomfortable with children).
He thought he was being a little biased, because best friends were supposed to be comfortable and do embarrassing, stupid things with you, supposed to like things you liked, but girlfriends were not.
But then they went to movies and she didn’t like horror, didn’t like comedy, didn’t like romance, and didn’t like exploding action movies. She said Transformers and Harry Potter were for kids.
So they settled on the re-release of Titanic.
She didn’t eat popcorns by the handful or pelt Changmin with the kernels when she thought a scene was boring. She didn’t smack Changmin for monopolizing the popcorn either.
Yeonhee leaned her head on his shoulders, but her perfume was so powdery that Changmin felt like sneezing all the time.
Changmin didn’t even realize he was nodding off until Yeonhee said she needed to touch up her make-up in the toilet. He surreptitiously wiped a trail of drool at the side of his mouth with his sleeve and blinked quickly to dispel his sleepiness.
On screen, Jack was already sketching a naked Rose and Changmin belatedly realized that he had slept through nearly the whole thing since the first ten minutes mark.
By the time Titanic split in half, Changmin found himself instinctively offering a tissue pack to Yeonhee, who didn’t need it.
He awkwardly put the tissue pack away, feeling a little caught off guard because had it been Jaejoong, he would have been crying like a baby already. Because no matter how many times they watched the last twenty minutes of the movie, Jaejoong would always bawl his eyes out from the minute Titanic sunk up until Rose let go of Jack’s frozen body from the plank.
To be fair, the date had been nice. It had been… well, boring.
But despite everything, Changmin had loved Yeonhee. Even though he wasn’t sure it was the right kind of love, but she had been his first girlfriend, a good friend, a nice and smart girl that anyone would have liked, and he was still enjoying every novel experience, from holding hands, to kissing, to sharing ice creams, and planning for their one-hundredth day anniversary, which happened to be on Christmas.
All thoughts about Yeonhee and anniversaries flew from his head when Jaejoong casually mentioned that he was going to be alone this Christmas over their late-night-ramyeon-in-the-cold session one night, because Yoochun and Yunho would be going home and Junsu had plans to go to Osaka with his family to visit relatives.
Jaejoong had just laughed it off when Changmin asked if he was going to be alright. Even until the last five minutes before he left to meet Yeonhee.
(“What, it’s not like you can abandon your girlfriend on your one-hundredth day for me.” Jaejoong grinned, puffy-eyed and pale-lipped, with his nose red and running.
He was bundled in thick comforter, because they had shitty dorm heater and he was already down with a fever since yesterday night and was only functioning on paracetamol and mild ibuprofen.
“And moreover, it’s Christmas! It’s a couple’s day. Yeonhee-ssi will kill you if you bail out on her today of all day-”
Cough, cough. Cough, co-wheeze, cough.
Changmin nearly winced when Jaejoong rasped noisily, trying to regain his breath even as he tried to convince Changmin that he was okay.
Changmin hesitated, “But-”
“I’ll be okay. Seriously, I’m a big boy.” He shook his head, grabbing some Kleenex to blow his nose as loud as an elephant. Changmin had to smile because even that was adorable-in a completely platonic, non-sequitur point of view of course.
Jaejoong smiled, watery. “Now go. Before I decide to trap you here with me.”)
Jaejoong had pushed him out the door, smiling.
But Changmin couldn’t get that face Jaejoong made when he closed the door out of his head, even with Yeonhee nearly completely naked under him, even as he unhooked her bra and kissed the valley between her breasts, even as she moaned softly and wrapped her legs around him.
Jaejoong had looked so… lonely.
Changmin shook his head. He shouldn’t be doing this, thinking about his best friend when he was about to have sex for the first time with his girlfriend.
“Changmin-ah…” Yeonhee sighed, her voice pitching high, as Changmin’s hand went under her skirt.
Changmin opened his mouth, her name in his conscious mind, but there was another name at the tip of his tongue and suddenly there was a different person under him-larger eyes, fuller lips, prettier smile-a warmer voice, hotter touch.
“Changminnie~” Jaejoong would coo to his ears, wrapping his arms around Changmin’s neck, his body warm, familiar, voice soft-
Changmin froze, greatly disturbed all of a sudden by the rather condensed optical illusion. He closed his eyes, but the vision didn’t leave, but instead planted itself behind his eyelids and burned into his brain until it stayed there, found a home, and never wanted to leave.
He couldn’t do this, he thought as he pulled away completely from Yeonhee. He sat on the edge of the bed, his erection completely deflated.
He felt like he was cheating. Changmin had harboured an unrequited hatred for cheaters ever since his mother left his father for another man. But right now, it felt like he was one.
He just wasn’t sure just who had he cheated with whom and that was just ridiculous.
“Changmin?”
Changmin looked over his shoulders. Yeonhee was staring at him, her face flushed, confused, uncertain. He felt guilt tugging on the sleeves of his heart. She did nothing wrong, but she looked like she had.
“Is…” She wet her lips, “Is something wrong?”
He couldn’t come up with anything to say so he just stood, shoved his legs into his jeans and started to pull on his clothes.
Yeonhee looked almost panicked, “Changmin, what are you-?”
“Sorry, Yeonhee-ah. I can’t do this.” Changmin muttered as he pulled on his socks and hooked his belt-where was his wallet?
“W-What do you mean you can’t?” Yeonhee nearly shrieked, torn between humiliation and anger. Her face was completely red now, lips twisted, and she looked close to tears. “Is something wrong? Is it… Is it me? What did I do?”
Changmin shook his head, having found his wallet on the floor beside the lamp table. Now, he only had to look for his phone.
“Nothing is wrong with you.” It’s me. “I can’t do this to you, Yeonhee. Not…” Not when I’m thinking about my best friend under me when-God, I’m going crazy. He took a deep breath and stared into Yeonhee’s wet, accusing eyes that he had been avoiding. “I’m not about to be unfair to you like that, Yeonhee-ah.”
“Unfair? Unfair!” Yeonhee snapped, incredulous. “And you think this is fair, you bastard?!”
Changmin nodded, without hesitance, and ducked to avoid one of her heels when she hurled it at him.
“I’m really sorry, Yeonhee. I-I just need to go.”
“So that’s it?” Yeonhee screeched, tears flowing freely on her face. “You’re going to leave without any explanation? What, I’m not good enough for you or something?”
“It’s not like that. I’m just… It’s complicated, okay?” Changmin ran a hand through his hair. “You deserve better and I-”
“Complicated. Deserve better. That’s always the easiest way out, isn’t it?” She spat, bitter, a strangely thoughtful look on her face.
Changmin bit his tongue because she was right. Those words just now were just words, born out of trying to fit a situation, lacking in any real honesty or sincerity and anything else Changmin might say would just be the same.
“… Is it Kim Jaejoong?” Yeonhee asked.
Changmin froze.
The young woman snorted, bunching and gathering the sheets to cover her upper body, fist trembling. “It’s always about him. Kim Jaejoong this, Kim Jaejoong that. Jaejoong is so this, was so that.” She looked… hateful. Possessed. “The little bitch just knew how to rile you up, huh? What, did he get you off when I’m not available or something? Did you fuck him? His lips are so pretty, is he good at sucking-?”
Changmin frowned, the line of his body rigid. “Take it how you want, Yeonhee. But don’t you dare drag Jaejoong-hyung into this. I won’t let you.”
Yeonhee looked surprised by the coldness in his voice and deflated considerably, shoulders shaking and face pale. “W-What?”
“… It’s not like that.” Changmin said. “It’s no one’s fault, not yours or his. It’s just…” He wet his dry lips, “It’s just me.”
He felt like he should be saying something more, something to make her feel less worthless, something like she would find someone better, but couldn’t, so he pocketed his phone that he found under Yeonhee’s strewn jacket and headed for the door, taking out all the cash in his wallet before placing it on vanity on his way out.
“I’ll pay for everything. It should be enough for the taxi fee back too. Be careful on your way home.”
“I don’t need your money.” Yeonhee said, “You don’t have to play the concerned boyfriend part anymore. It makes you look like a hypocrite on top of being a sick bastard.”
“Just take it so I’ll know you get home safely.” Changmin muttered, slipping on his sneakers. “Because somehow I don’t think you’ll appreciate me calling.”
Yeonhee said nothing to that.
Changmin glanced at his watch. It was nearly eleven, Christmas wasn’t even over yet.
“Yah, Shim Changmin.” Yeonhee called, her last effort in this relationship, sitting on the bed with her back to Changmin as she clasped back her bra. “If you walk out that door, we’re over for good.”
Changmin didn’t even pause, “Then we’re over.”
He walked out and closed the door. He never turned back, even when he heard her sobs through the door and the sound of something-probably her other heel-thudding against the wooden door surface, probably meant for him.
He didn’t wait for the elevator. He used the emergency staircase instead and nearly tripped down a full flight of stairs when he missed a step.
He needed to go back.
- - - - -
He took the subway, and then the bus, interchanged twice, and ran the rest of the four blocks away because he ran out of T-money and he’d left all his cash with Yeonhee in a final act of ambiguous chivalry.
He tried to call Jaejoong’s phone, but no one answered and that never happened before.
His imagination worked up half-terrifying visions, like what if Jaejoong had fainted from dehydration or what if he had tripped over a soap bar in the bedroom and knocked himself over the head or what if he was helpless because there was no one to make him some late night meal and he refused to eat alone in that condition?
Because in all the years Changmin had known Jaejoong, though a little less than say, Yoochun, he’d always needed to be looked after a little after he spent the whole day looking after everyone. He needed those little post-its and tiny text messages to sleep or eat because he was happy when they replied his text messages by reminding him to take care of himself too.
Everyone knew that about Jaejoong.
That was why Junsu would buy those disgustingly unhealthy take-outs for him whenever both finance students were locked up in the library planning Wall Street takeover or something as ominous.
When it rained outside, Yoochun would play scrabbles with him and teach him how to play the piano because Jaejoong loved the piano but never had the chance to learn it.
If he was gloomy, then Yunho would cuddle with him on the couch, poke his cheeks and talk cutely at him while they watched some gruesome horror flick until Jaejoong was feeling better, even though Yunho mostly fainted at the sight of blood.
With Changmin, it was a little different-a bump on the shoulder, a mini wrestling session on the carpet, a slap here, a hit there.
It was always different.
When he reached back to Jaejoong’s door, he was out of breath, sweat soaking his back, and looking like he had been ran over by a stampede of angry elephants.
Or an angry Jaejoong.
His heart was racing, blood rushing in his ears, and he didn’t know why his palms were sweating so much, because it was ridiculous really, this was only Jaejoong’s apartment and he had been over almost every other days of the week.
So why was he hearing all these bells in his head?
When Jaejoong opened the door, he appeared puffy-eyed and miserable, like he had been crying or something and it tugged on Changmin’s heartstrings.
And suddenly, he was glad that came back after all.
Jaejoong looked up at him with wide eyes, his gaze unbelieving, like he thought he was delirious and Changmin wasn’t really there.
“C-Changmin…?” He rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm, half-hiding behind the door. He looked worse than he had before Changmin left, lips chapped and huge bags under his eyes.
Changmin wanted to hug him so much that he felt awkward all of a sudden. He cleared his throat, “I… I was-I thought someone has to watch over you before you accidentally kill yourself with a bottle opener or something in that condition, because we all know how you are with mishaps and shit, so… yeah…”
It sounded lame even to his ears.
Jaejoong blinked. Then blinked again.
Changmin’s tried to look casual, but his ears were burning red, because this is really embarrassing for some reason, and Jaejoong would probably notice how his hair was still a little wet from the shower he had back at the hotel and he was wearing his shirt inside out under the jacket.
He was pretty sure that he looked like Yeonhee had been riding him hard and putting him away wet, though they didn’t even get to do anything, and Jaejoong would probably say something demeaning about it because it wasn’t even midnight-
And then, Jaejoong’s lips curled into a small smile, the smile that would be stuck on Changmin’s throat, down to his lungs and stomach and heart, and never really left after that.
Jaejoong was sick he was a little muddled and probably didn’t notice it, but Changmin’s blush was one for the history books right up there beside Hitler and Benjamin Franklin.
Changmin thought the bells in his head were Christmas bells.
It wasn’t.
It was-
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Part Three>>