Brompton Cocktail
Where do you begin to help others understand what you are thinking about when you don't even really know? Why should someone expect you to want to open up so easily when you don't even want to go there yourself?
Some people will never admit it but their greatest fear is themselves. I know for a fact that I'm afriad of myself. I know what I'm capable to do. And I also know that I can hurt people, just by what I let out of my mouth. But, the thing is that, I hate pain. I hate causing pain. But, when I look around myself, that's all I see now.
I try so hard to make myself happy because I think that I've earned it. I always worry about others before myself and not thinking about what I really want. But what happens when I do that? It gets thrown back in my face and I'm told that I'm a selfish, cold hearted bitch that doesn't care about the world around her. When in fact, I care too much. I feel useless when there's nothing I can do to fix the problem in front of me.
Depressed? Maybe. I don't rememeber what it's like to actually feel. For the past couple months I have put myself in a box. I've shut people out. My anger has gotten worse. And all I want is silence eve though I crave human contact. I sit up late at night. Not being able to let sleep take me into it's shadows. And, nothing. I go numb. The only time I feel is around...him.
It's not my nature to want something so bad to where I'll gladely sit by and wait. It's not me.
But, yet. I'm so willing to let that happen.
I'm seeing a shrink soon. I could possibly get comitted. Not like it's the first time. Won't be the last.
I only ask one thing. If I have to be put away, I just hope that he finds a way to know how much I care about him.
He's my wine. And I enjoy every sip that I can get.