[Day Six] I'm sorry that I'm both your umbrella and the rain.
Title: I'm sorry that I'm both your umbrella and the rain.
Kink: Praise kink
Pairing: Chen/Lay
Word Count: 6048
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Non-au; angst; top!Chen; hurt/comfort; switching between D/S; biting; frottage; physical responses; semi-public blowjob; pampering; begging; intercrural (trying to be safe here lolololol but I’m pretty sure I’ve got them all covered based on the kink list δ(´д｀; ))
Summary: Although they had finally stopped ignoring each other, Yixing often kept his distance and pushed the responsibility of making the first move to Jongdae.
Author's Note:
This is going to be pretty long because like this fic, I’m very emotional. I wanted to do a different take on the usual D/S praise kink and since smut is difficult for me to write, this fic was extra challenging. Thank you to P for being there at the beginning when I played around with the idea for this fic, and even though you’ve been so busy, you still ended up helping me at the end for the KKT convo. To K, thank you for supporting me a lot both for this fic and beyond. To I, thank you for suffering with me along this journey, for your encouragement and for your (lol) praises. To D, without you, this fic would have been lesser, and I truly, truly, appreciate everything you’ve done, for going above and beyond what I selfishly asked. To the mods, thank you for indulging me and for being considerate of my circumstances.
To my readers, please enjoy and leave me a comment if you do haha (please, I’m begging you to ;;). To myself, well done, kid. To CHEN and LAY, THANKS FOR MAKING ME SUFFER WITH YOUR TIMINGS.
Title inspired by 밑바닥에서 (From the Bottom) by Tablo ft. Bumkey. See the end for more notes.
｀、ヽ｀☂ヽ｀、ヽ
“I can take care of things myself, Hyung. You go home. Your family’s waiting for you,” Yixing said. Their manager looked back and forth between Yixing and Jongdae, who was standing in the hallway with them. His arms flapping awkwardly and shifting his weight from foot to foot, Jongdae couldn’t very well greet Yixing properly with someone else watching. And because Yixing stubbornly refused any help with his suitcases, he couldn’t pretend to be helpful.
“You sure?” their manager asked. His voice was laced with bone-weary exhaustion even though it was still early in the morning. But neither he nor Yixing breathed a word of complaint like Jongdae was so used to hearing from the mouths of the likes of Sehun and Baekhyun.
“I’m here if he needs anything,” Jongdae said. Seeing the manager smile knowingly made Jongdae feel warm, but it was Yixing’s adoring gaze that stretched Jongdae’s lips as wide as they could go.
It felt great that they weren’t taking Jongdae’s compassion for granted, but it was also a reminder that they had been apart for too long. That even when Yixing was back, he’d fly back to wherever they needed him in China once his task in Seoul was done. That Yixing hadn’t been able to be by Jongdae’s side for months on end.
The days Yixing had his hands full with solo activities were scattered between Jongdae's own solo activities, group promotions, concerts, and preparations for their third album. And even when Yixing had some time off, he’d tell Jongdae that he needed it to work on a song.
But Yixing was always working on a song, and Jongdae threw lots of silent fits, not understanding why he had to spend more time away from Jongdae than he already did.
By the time Jongdae got tired of throwing tantrums, the damage was done. Although they had finally stopped ignoring each other, Yixing often kept his distance and pushed the responsibility of making the first move to Jongdae.
It was half an attempt to give Jongdae some control over their relationship and half-wariness from not being able to placate Jongdae's mercurial moods.
But plans change.
The moment their manager left the dorm the air filled with tension. They were now completely alone. Minseok and Baekhyun had gone out to get breakfast with another manager after Jongdae had hinted for days on end that he would like to be left alone with Yixing when he finally comes home. There was no signal, but Jongdae and Yixing moved at the same time.
Yixing tasted like exhaustion and helplessness, but there was a determination in his kisses like he was forcing himself to slide his lips against Jongdae’s. His hands pawed at Jongdae’s face, at his hair, and down his back while Jongdae’s fingers clung to Yixing’s shirt. Their teeth clacked together and their moans mingled with sighs.
Jongdae would normally tell him to slow down. He’d normally console Yixing by reminding him that they could wait another day, that Yixing had just touched down less than three hours ago. But Jongdae shared his desperation. He’d been craving Yixing for too long that he himself was starting to forget that now of all times, Jongdae supposed to help Yixing let go. He was supposed to let Yixing know that Jongdae was there to catch him and hold on to him. Even though it hurt to feel Yixing push himself, it was all Jongdae could do to not cry for more.
It crossed his mind that Yixing was trying to convey his regret and was trying to make up for all the times he chose himself and his career over Jongdae. And Jongdae was so, so, tempted to let himself be spoiled. To fall pliant in Yixing’s arms and drown in the sensations Yixing’s body had to offer. But he wanted to take care of Yixing this time.
Jongdae tried to get Yixing’s attention but without much success. “Hy-mpfh-Hyung, wait a sec,” he said, pulling away, except Yixing took advantage of that momentum to push Jongdae back against a wall. With his tongue, Yixing coaxed Jongdae to relax and open up so he could fuck Jongdae’s mouth with his tongue languidly.
The moment Jongdae remembered enough of who and where he was to respond, Yixing withdrew with a parting nip at his top lip. He bent his head and nudged Jongdae’s jaw upwards with his nose so that his throat was bared. Jongdae’s breath quickened. It took him a beat or two later to realize what happened when Yixing latched his lips onto Jongdae’s skin, nipping and biting and sucking at a patch of skin before moving onto the next. His head was spinning and he whimpered as he carded a hand through Yixing’s hair.
“Missed you so much,” Yixing growled, the emotion in his voice making Jongdae shudder. His face scrunched in an effort not to cry. He wasn’t the type to cry easily but…
“Me too,” Jongdae said. “I missed you so fucking much.” All thoughts of taking the lead disappeared away from Jongdae’s mind when Yixing grabbed his hips and grinded against him. Jongdae slapped a hand on the wall to leverage himself before changing his mind and wrapping it around Yixing’s shoulder. Wordlessly, Yixing bent his knees slightly so Jongdae could climb onto him.
A little bit of sense filtered through the haze in Jongdae’s mind when he noticed Yixing’s action. “No, Hyung, your waist,” he protested.
Yixing’s eyes fell back into focus. “Oh. Yeah,” he said simply, like he had conveniently forgotten that he was still nursing an injury. Yixing suffered an accident in the middle of filming a web drama, a fall from a moving motorbike that exacerbated his old waist injury. Then, Yixing had been pushing himself to perform despite a prescribed bed rest, even dancing for some of the concert legs he was able to fit in between his other activities. It was one of the reasons Jongdae and Yixing often argued during the rare conversations they had, whether face to face or through pixelated phone screens.
When Yixing admitted himself into their usual hospital in Seoul, Jongdae met Yixing’s mother. He could understand why she was treating him like her son’s best friend, not his lover, but the feeling of being pushed away in Yixing’s twisted way of protecting his loved ones was like a knife stabbing his heart repeatedly. And like Yixing’s mother, Jongdae didn’t want to stop him from doing the things he loved but wanted Yixing to understand that there was always another solution.
There was always an alternative to things.
“Wait, we can still…” Jongdae trailed off as he fumbled with the fastenings of Yixing’s pants. Catching on, Yixing made quick work of Jongdae’s jeans, not bothering to push his boxers down before grabbing his half-hard cock and jerking Jongdae off.
“Hyung!” Jongdae cried as he leaned his head against Yixing’s shoulder, surprised and turned on by his impatience. He mouthed at Yixing’s collarbones, careful not to touch his neck. He grabbed at Yixing’s nape and pulled him in to kiss on the mouth, while Jongdae’s other hand reached for Yixing’s cock.
Yixing swallowed Jongdae’s noises as he pressed his body flush against Jongdae. By touch alone, he maneuvered them so that both their hands would stroke their cocks together, the wetness from their pre-cum and some spit making the glide easier. It was rough and messy, with Jongdae and Yixing coordinating themselves only by whispers and cut-off groans of each other’s names.
It was everything Jongdae wanted, but also not. Yixing was finally here with him, but everything was burning too brightly, too quickly. He wanted time to slow down, to stop, so he could make love to Yixing. He wanted to do more for Yixing. Jongdae needed to figure things out quick before Yixing leaves him again.
Three days had passed since Yixing flew back to Seoul for their comeback preparations, now that most of his solo projects had already wrapped up. The closest Jongdae and Yixing could get to being alone was the morning Yixing came back to the dorm, the two or three hours of sleep in each other's arms back in the privacy of their shared room, in the silent darkness of the early mornings.
On the last day of finalizing their new choreography set, they were rewarded with extra rest before their next activity. Although Yixing, determined to make up for his long absence, decided to stay back after practice as always. Normally, Jongdae would leave with the rest. But as exhausted as he was, the anxiety from being unable to spend as much time as possible with Yixing had been suffocating Jongdae.
The excess of frustration and loneliness made it hard for Jongdae to stop overthinking things and just enjoy what he's got. Even if it meant staying back just to keep Yixing company.
It was empty in the practice room but they weren't completely alone. Spending whole days and nights at the company was part and parcel of the lives of idols, trainees, and even the staff. Jongdae knew all this, but the knowledge that their manager would wait for Jongdae and Yixing to call before picking them up made his spine tingle with nervous excitement.
Just in case, Jongdae pretended to refill his water bottle, surreptitiously locking the door on the way. Tongue between his teeth, Jongdae kept glancing back at Yixing. Even though Yixing was practically burning a hole in his reflection, his eyes following every minute movement and his face set into a glare of concentration, Jongdae only started breathing easier after he tiptoed back to where their duffle bags were.
He sat down and made himself comfortable against the bags, wriggling left to right and back again until he was able to lean his shoulders against the sky-patterned wallpaper. He had positioned himself slightly to Yixing’s right, enough to make him conscious of Jongdae both in his peripheral vision and through their reflection.
Except he didn’t even give Jongdae the satisfaction of a quick glance.
Jongdae took off his snapback and played with his hair before putting the cap back on his head. Look at me, look at me, he chanted in his head as he tried to catch Yixing’s eyes. He frowned in disappointment and embarrassment when Yixing didn’t react. So much for telepathic bonds, Jongdae grumbled inwardly.
Resigning himself to the lonely fate of waiting for Yixing until he was done, but not wanting to take his eyes off of him, Jongdae decided to silently watch Yixing practice. He was used to seeing Yixing shirtless during practice. Since his body was naturally warmer than others, Yixing sweats easily, and there was rarely a time when he didn’t push himself until his shirt was drenched.
This time, though, Jongdae found himself mesmerized as Yixing moved in sharp and powerful motions to the quick beat of the music playing from the stereo speakers. His eyes started to roam from shoulder to shoulder blades, from Yixing’s nape down the spine all the way to the waistband of his pants, drinking in the sight of Yixing’s slicked back rippling with the movement of his muscles before smoothing out again. His mind started to wander before stopping at an image of Yixing on top of him, not from below like how they usually had sex, but like an observer with a bird’s eye view.
Jongdae slapped his hands on his cheeks, flushing harder when he felt himself burning up. He stifled the urge to groan and stomp his feet in frustration. He hadn’t been planning on doing anything more than making out and maybe some heavy petting if he was lucky. Now he was hugging his knees to his chest with his eyes squeezed shut.
He didn’t know how long he spent trying to pretend he wasn’t dying to be fucked, but Jongdae only opened his eyes when Yixing slumped on the floor beside him. He blinked his eyes rapidly, to adjust his eyes to the light, yes, but primarily because he was confused. Yixing was already starting his cool down routine, his slow movements now a huge contrast to the upbeat music.
Jongdae said the first thing on his mind. “Did your legs start shaking again?” When Yixing shook his head, Jongdae made an obnoxious sound of complete disbelief. The only times Yixing would voluntarily stop dancing before the track finished its run was either when the choreographer made the group stop or when his legs gave way from overexertion.
“I’m serious,” Yixing said with a wide grin. Jongdae wasn’t sure if it was because he found Jongdae amusing (very probable) or because he was high on endorphins (also very probable). Whatever the reason, it made Jongdae feel warm all over, more from an overflow of affection and a mixture of awe than the lust he was battling with previously.
Jongdae tilted his head to one side. “Seriously?” he said, as coyly as he could.
“Seriously,” Yixing repeated.
“Why do I feel so proud of you right now?” Jongdae said with a giggle.
Yixing paused in his stretching. “What’s...what’s there to be proud of?”
“Did you just stutter?”
“What’s there to be proud of?” Yixing said again, and then, “Why are you laughing at me?” His eyebrows were furrowed in dissatisfaction and his lips pouted magnificently. It was an adorable look that Jongdae had been seeing on screen lately, no longer directed towards him as often as it did before.
Jongdae shook his head and bit his lip before another unintentional giggle could escape. “I’m just really impressed,” he said as he leaned his weight against their bags, “by your self-discipline.”
Yixing narrowed his eyes at Jongdae but then stood up so he could continue where he left off in his routine. “That’s...thanks, I guess,” he said awkwardly before bending backward, hands on his waist. His waist...
“I like it best when you’re taking care of yourself,” Jongdae blurted out.
Yixing pulled himself up and bent forwards, but raised his head so he could smile at Jongdae. “I always take care of myself.”
Jongdae opened his mouth to argue but stopped himself. They were doing so well, back to teasing and laughing. Jongdae almost ruined it, but from Yixing’s questioning look, he didn’t entirely save the situation.
“You know what I love most about you?” Jongdae said completely out of the blue. Or maybe not. But the timing was terrible. Even though Yixing had already cooled down somewhat, splotches of red colored his cheeks.
“What?”
“I said, ‘You know what I like most about you?’,” Jongdae lied in a voice that sounded loud, even to him. “I like that you’re so confident.”
“Jongdae...what…?”
I’m not ‘Jongdae’ anymore, I’m ‘Jong-DEAD’! Jongdae thought hysterically. His face was probably as red as Yixing’s right now. “And I like how even though you’re more tired than me, you pushed yourself so hard in today’s practice, and you know how I push myself.”
Yixing had already straightened up but his head was bent and half of his face was covered by his hands. “Jongdae, stop,” he pleaded. But Jongdae couldn’t even though he was really, really trying.
“And I like how amazing you are, being able to have so much energy to stay back after practice and I was watching you and you did everything perfectly? Even though you’ve had to skip practice a lot to shoot for your show, it’s like you’ve never missed a single session and that’s just, wow, Hyung. Wow, you’re just really amazing to me?” Jongdae was rambling by now and he probably repeated some words. Worse, his tone made it sound as if he was wording everything into a question.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jongdae said timidly when Yixing stepped back and hid his face completely in his hands. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he was pretty sure it’s been awhile since either of them had complimented the other. And Yixing probably felt extra awkward at how sudden and random Jongdae was being. It was a disaster.
“I’m just-” Yixing cut himself off. He slid his hands down his face but even though his face was no longer covered, he still wasn’t looking at Jongdae. His hands fell to his sides, and then he crossed them, fingers tapping hurriedly on a forearm. “Thanks, I guess?” he said again.
Jongdae was about to pretend to laugh it off, pretend that Yixing’s awkwardness didn’t sting, didn’t leave his heart dropping into his stomach, didn’t make Jongdae feel extra mortified. But then a giggle burst out of Yixing.
“I’m sorry,” Yixing said, covering his mouth with a fist. He’s still chuckling, though, and Jongdae was still a mess of emotions so he didn’t respond. “I’m sorry, it’s just... I’m just really happy right now and I don’t know what to do?”
A corner of Jongdae’s mouth curled into a wry grin. “I was just telling the truth. You don’t need to do anything.” He shrugged and crossed his arms. He realized that he was mirroring Yixing so he uncrossed them and distractedly patted his knees in a slow rhythm. “I didn’t know what got over me except that I was watching you and I was turn…”
Jongdae trailed off, the words he was about to say making him realize that even though Yixing was standing some distance away from him, since he was sitting down, he was still roughly eye-level with Yixing’s pelvis. He swallowed nervously. The slight boner wasn’t obvious, but Yixing’s pants were a light gray and Jongdae was hyper-aware of everything right now.
“I was turned on,” Jongdae finished slowly, testing the waters. He waited for Yixing to meet his eyes. When they did, as wide as they were, Jongdae felt something inside him explode in relief and the tension wrapped around him changed from a heavy weight to a pleasant buzz.
Jongdae continued before Yixing could say anything, before he could maybe run away and leave their already fragile relationship in shambles. “I mean, seeing my boyfriend shirtless, and sweating, and eye-fucking himself... As hot as that made me feel, like I was saying, you working so hard made me…,” Jongdae gulped, “fall for you again. And I just...”
Jongdae floundered for the right words before giving up and starting all over again. “When you stopped before you could collapse, it made me so happy and proud of you, but y’know, like I said, your self-discipline made you really, really sexy and oh my god, Hyung… Can I suck you off?” Jongdae whispered the last phrase before shrieking soundlessly into his hands.
There was a long stretch of silence between them despite the music from the stereo speakers. Jongdae wanted to curl up into a ball. This was probably their first proper talk in a while that had to do with their relationship. He thought about the things he had said, had confessed, and the things he still has yet to say.
With Yixing, Jongdae was clumsy and awkward, his words and actions tripping and stumbling. And the whole time, from the moment Jongdae was first introduced as the new kid that was going to debut with those who’ve been in the company for years, to promoting in Yixing’s homeland despite the only time Jongdae had left his hometown was to go to Seoul, to returning to his homeland to promote their first full-length album, Yixing was there. He was there with Jongdae through the months when their popularity kept climbing and climbing, even during the days when they both agreed that everything was moving too fast.
The lazy hours they spent together almost alone but not quite, not when they had music and their dreams with them, stretched to months when not even their business could distract them from wishing things were better. When things were easier, like back when they were less popular, less jaded, less fooled into thinking that they knew each other better than blood brothers. Even lately, when Jongdae and Yixing were separated by distance and lack of communication and contradicting dreams, Jongdae couldn’t lie. Yixing was there with him every step of the way. Some way or another.
More than four years in, Yixing was still waiting for Jongdae to find his footing even as he was struggling to find his own path. Waiting for someone was so unlike Yixing. And yet, he was always there. Maybe not in the next bed in their shared room, but a phone call or a text away. Or even the occasional vague SNS update. One way or another.
He had been thinking about his and Yixing’s relationship for so long, wondering where they went wrong, wondering what he should do. And although he still couldn’t find the right answer, there was something he felt he should do for Yixing. What he was about to say was straight out of the kind of fanfiction Chanyeol liked to read out loud to get a rise out of everyone. Jongdae breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly.
“I want to be the one to take care of you this time. You deserve so much and I really, really, want to give this to you. Make you feel good. Reward you.” Jongdae’s voice squeaked at the last one but thankfully, Yixing looked as embarrassed as he was feeling and didn’t laugh. Before he could chicken out or Yixing could stop him (the worst out of the two), Jongdae was on his knees and shuffling towards Yixing.
Heart pounding furiously, Jongdae sat on his knees and dragged his hands up Yixing’s legs all the way to his hips. His fingers trailed the waistband of his pants, tingling as skin slid slowly over the sliver of skin above the band until they stopped at the fly. Jongdae looked up, eyes drinking in whatever Yixing could offer him, the light trail of pubic hair, the temptingly soft skin around his navel, the perfect blend of hard abs and meaty flesh, the light brown nipples erect from arousal, the length of Yixing’s neck that no one, not even Jongdae was allowed to touch, the sharp jaw tilted towards him, the dry lips shaped into an imperfect circle that let out only the slightest of noise and breath…all the way to Yixing’s eyes, wide and dark with want.
“Will you let me?” Jongdae asked. It was different from their usual, ‘Can I?’. More vulnerable. Jongdae was putting his desire aside in favor of Yixing’s pleasure, and this was new territory for both of them.
“Yeah,” Yixing breathed. “Please,” he said, a bit louder and a bit more firmly.
Jongdae unbuttoned his pants and pulled the zipper down quickly, swallowing his nervousness and the need to thank god out loud. Stuck to his skin with sweat, Yixing’s pants and briefs were hard to pull down, but when Yixing tried to help, Jongdae stopped him with quiet and determined, “No, let me do it.” He tugged until there was just enough room for him to pull Yixing’s half-hard cock out.
Warm and thick in his hand and damp from sweat, it was a reminder of the times they used to do this after practice or a workout. Jongdae’s throat clogged up with something more than nervousness. Between work and their cold war, they hadn’t had many opportunities to have sex, and Jongdae was sadly out of practice with blowjobs. He was going to have to make up for it by taking things slow so he could relearn Yixing.
Jongdae pulled and dragged his hand up and down Yixing’s shaft, alternating between slow and fast. He purposely let his mouth hang open near, coaxing Yixing to full hardness with his exaggerated breathing. The tip of his cock hit Jongdae’s mouth and when he licked it while trying to wet his lips, Yixing let out a long and drawn-out moan. Spurred by the sound, Jongdae raised his eyes to Yixing’s and fluttered his tongue against his slit, teasing Yixing in more ways than one.
“Jongdae,” Yixing cried, the second syllable breaking off into a whimper. Jongdae gripped Yixing’s hip with his free hand to steady both of them before pushing his head down on Yixing’s cock. With one hand, he kept stroking Yixing the lower half of his dick while drawing soothing circles on Yixing’s hipbone with the thumb of his free hand. He bobbed up and down with deliberate slowness, tongue and head twisting around so Yixing could feel Jongdae on him as much as possible.
Pleased with the trembling fingers that knocked off his cap to comb and grip handfuls of his hair, Jongdae pulled up and suckled at Yixing’s cockhead, making a show of swallowing the mixture of pre-cum, sweat, and saliva. “God, fuck,” Yixing gasped, then bit his bottom lip harshly as he forced himself not to jerk harder into Jongdae’s mouth, not to dig his fingernails harder into Jongdae’s scalp, even though Jongdae’s own fingers were leaving small crescents on his hip.
Jongdae let up, breaking the trail of spit connecting them with his tongue, licking messily around his mouth and moaning needily, remembering that Yixing loved watching and hearing him being shameless, especially when they were fucking. “You doing good?” he asked cheekily as he stopped stroking Yixing’s shaft to play with the tip.
Even though it couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, Jongdae’s confidence had already returned, knowing that he could still leave Yixing nodding and whining helplessly, words lost in the moment. “Good,” Jongdae said.
He leaned forward so he could lick broad strips along Yixing’s cock, eyes closed as he focused on the sensations, of the taste, of the sounds, of the overflowing affection and need he felt for Yixing and his responses to them. He breathed in more than air, swallowed more than spit, he took in all of Yixing’s guttural groans, his clipped curses, his soft sighs, and the numerous ways he said Jongdae’s name.
Jongdae and Yixing fell back to a familiar rhythm. Of using their silent cues to switch between who gets to control the pace. Yixing’s fingers sliding down Jongdae’s head to his neck meant that Jongdae should relax his throat. Jongdae pulling off to suck at the seam joining Yixing’s cock and his balls meant that Yixing should widen his legs.
“Hyung, do you want to finish up here or…?” Jongdae trailed off, his index finger massaging the skin leading to Yixing’s asshole. They don’t normally fuck with Jongdae as the top, but he was really determined to be the one doing most of the work tonight. Granted, he could just ride Yixing or fuck him from the bottom...but Jongdae was doing a lot of things different tonight. He might as well go all the way.
Not hearing an answer other than heavy panting, Jongdae stopped laving attention on Yixing. He leaned back, shifting his weight onto his toes instead of his knees. “Hyung?”
Yixing’s eyes refocused, his chest still heaving and his skin flushed brightly under the artificial lighting. He patted Jongdae’s hair and smoothed it down before cupping Jongdae’s jaw. “Yeah, let’s go back to the dorm,” he said. He then bent down to kiss the mess off of Jongdae’s mouth.
The mood would have disappeared completely by the time they got back, their boners hidden under their duffle bags and left to wilt. But Jongdae wouldn’t let Yixing forget what was in store for them later. He kept smiling at his window, knowing that Yixing was watching him and would catch his reflection. Even while he sang along to the songs played on the speakers, he’d only use choice words when he was locking eyes on Yixing’s.
The moment they got through the door, Jongdae already started undressing, loudly saying that he was going for a shower. A clear signal for Yixing to join in and for their manager who had long put two and two together.
“I still can’t believe you didn’t even have time to play with yourself,” Jongdae said as he inserted another lubed finger into Yixing’s asshole. He had been surprised to find out how tight Yixing was while he cleaned him off in the shower. Now they were back in their room, on Yixing’s bed.
Yixing spread his legs wider, groaning and arching his back when Jongdae licked his cock briefly in approval. “Aren’t you glad, though?” he asked. “That I don’t have the time to even cheat on you.”
He said it with a laugh, but Jongdae paused in his ministrations at Yixing’s words. This time, again, he could begin a new argument as he tried to defend himself and attack Yixing’s careless words. Or he could, again, be honest with the both of them.
“Even when I’m sulking, I know you’re always good to me, Hyung. You’re the most loyal person I know. And I love you for that.” Yixing’s mouth fell open at Jongdae’s confession and the lack of denial. “Thank you for being loyal to me,” he said before leaning in for a kiss.
They kissed deeply, slowly, and desperately. “To us,” Jongdae murmured when they broke off for air. “For being loyal to ‘us’,” he said, pressing chaste kisses at the corners of Yixing’s mouth where his dimples were. His other hand was still busy stretching Yixing, so he used his free hand to gently close Yixing’s eyes so he could kiss his eyelids. “And loyal to yourself, and your dreams, which is the most important thing.”
A choking sound rose up in Yixing’s throat. He slung an arm across Jongdae’s shoulder, pulling him down so he can hide his face against his chest. “You’re so beautiful, Hyung,” Jongdae whispered in between kissing wherever he could reach Yixing in that cramped position. “There are so many people who want to watch you fall, but you never let them. You’re the most beautiful and amazing person I know.”
“Jongdae.”
Jongdae hummed as he rubbed himself against Yixing. “Yes, Hyung?”
“Please. I’m so ready, Jongdae. Please.”
Jongdae pulled away in surprise except for the fingers buried inside Yixing. Yixing very rarely begged, being the more dominant one in their relationship, even if he was more emotional. For him to let go that much and allow Jongdae to take full control made his cock so hard it actually hurt.
Filled with curiosity, Jongdae pulled his fingers out and made Yixing turn over on his hands and knees. He took his cock in hand and lined it up against Yixing’s asshole, rubbing the slick head against the whorl. He gulped, both in arousal and in anticipation of what he was about to do.
Just as Yixing was in the middle of pleading for Jongdae to give it to him, he broke off with a gasp when Jongdae gripped his thighs and pushed them closer together, letting his cock slip in between and rub against Yixing’s own cock. “Does that feel good, Hyung?” Jongdae breathed into Yixing’s ear as he snapped his hips against Yixing’s ass.
“God, yes. It feels so good, Jongdae,” Yixing groaned.
“You know what feels better?” Jongdae said in between pants. “Having my cock in between these goddamn gorgeous thighs.”
Yixing slammed his head against his pillow. “Shit.”
“Sometimes all I want to do is just bite them. Mark you with my teeth and my lips. So that even while people drool over your thighs like when you wore those tight shorts for that show, they can see that these are mine. I wanna mark you so good that it takes weeks to fade.”
“Oh my god, Jongdae. Fuck!” Yixing cried through clenched teeth. He cursed louder when Jongdae reached around his waist, adjusting them both so his cock could slide against Yixing’s better, so they could both fuck into his hands. Jongdae could barely hear Yixing gasping for him to go faster, to give him more, over the loud pounding in his ears.
“You want more?” Jongdae said with a grunt. “You want me to fuck you properly? My dick inside you?”
“Yes, yes, yes,” Yixing chanted under his breath, mixing his affirmation with more begging. “Please, give it to me.”
Jongdae paused to pull himself up and press his cock against Yixing’s asshole. Letting the sound of their harsh panting and Yixing’s poorly concealed begging wash over him, Jongdae slowly fucked into Yixing, driving in deeper with every rock of his hips. Yixing let out a drawn-out moan when Jongdae buried himself completely.
Watching Yixing struggle not to fuck himself on his cock made it harder for Jongdae to take things slow. All he wanted to do was just drown in Yixing wet heat, let his body find its release. But Jongdae reminded himself through the lust trying to cloud his mind that this was Yixing’s first time bottoming in a long while.
With difficulty, Jongdae fucked Yixing slowly and gently. He kept himself focused by telling Yixing how much he loved him, how much he admired him. He listed down whatever achievements he could think of: Yixing getting a new project, Yixing getting a new award, Yixing getting more influence in his homeland. With each one, Jongdae reminded Yixing how much he deserved them, how much Yixing should be appreciated for them.
While his head was spinning from the feeling of Yixing’s ass clenching his cock, the sight of Yixing writhing beneath him, and the sounds coming out of his mouth, Jongdae somehow received a revelation. Maybe this was why Yixing liked to be in control during sex. Jongdae could get addicted to the feeling of immense satisfaction in being the reason for Yixing’s intense pleasure. He was going to have to talk to Yixing about this. But for now, he was thinking less and less clearly.
Yixing too, from the desperate way he called out to Jongdae and from the way he blindly reached towards Jongdae, was reaching his peak. Jongdae lowered himself so his chest could rest on Yixing’s back and he could jerk Yixing off.
“Come first, Hyung,” he panted. His face scrunched up in an effort to hold himself back from climaxing before Yixing. When Yixing came, entire body shuddering hard and voice breaking, Jongdae almost cried with relief, fucking Yixing hard through his own orgasm.
“I love you, Jongdae,” Jongdae heard Yixing say after a while. He smiled dopily from his high even as he tried to catch his breath. Jongdae slowly pulled his softening cock out, moving away from the bed to get rid of the used condom. When he came back, Yixing had already rolled over and was settled comfortably against the pillows.
His arms were wide open in invitation, and Jongdae lets himself collapse on top of Yixing and be wrapped around his arms. He giggled when Yixing kissed the top of his head and sighed contently.
“I love you so much.”
｀、ヽ｀☂ヽ｀、ヽ
1 Voice message from My Jongdae at 12:15am
Hey, Hyung. [sniffling] Aw shit, I still sound funny. Sorry it took me so long to call you, even though I know you’re busy with post-concert stuff. I hope you’re having fun because I just spent the last hour crying!
[laughter]
So yeah...about your song. And your MV. You were thinking of me, weren’t you? I’m sorry if I made you worry. I’m trying, y’know? I know I was stupid to sulk and I’m really sorry for making you feel bad, and wanting you to feel bad about it.
I’m an idiot, I know that, you know that. But I just want to tell you that I won’t let you let me go. I don’t want to say ‘never’, but don’t give up on me, Hyung. Even if I’m being confusing and say things I don’t mean, don’t let me go. Even if I’m not doing my job as your better half, please wait for me like you always do.
I love you. And I’m so proud of you. Holy shit, you’ve wrapping up another season, and you got to collab with another one of your idols, and now you have an entire song to yourself, and-Shit, I’m running out of time. Call me. No! Video call me! I want to see you.
I love you! So much, as much, and more.
Timeline:
Kink: Praise kink
Pairing: Chen/Lay
Word Count: 6048
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Non-au; angst; top!Chen; hurt/comfort; switching between D/S; biting; frottage; physical responses; semi-public blowjob; pampering; begging; intercrural (trying to be safe here lolololol but I’m pretty sure I’ve got them all covered based on the kink list δ(´д｀; ))
Summary: Although they had finally stopped ignoring each other, Yixing often kept his distance and pushed the responsibility of making the first move to Jongdae.
Author's Note:
This is going to be pretty long because like this fic, I’m very emotional. I wanted to do a different take on the usual D/S praise kink and since smut is difficult for me to write, this fic was extra challenging. Thank you to P for being there at the beginning when I played around with the idea for this fic, and even though you’ve been so busy, you still ended up helping me at the end for the KKT convo. To K, thank you for supporting me a lot both for this fic and beyond. To I, thank you for suffering with me along this journey, for your encouragement and for your (lol) praises. To D, without you, this fic would have been lesser, and I truly, truly, appreciate everything you’ve done, for going above and beyond what I selfishly asked. To the mods, thank you for indulging me and for being considerate of my circumstances.
To my readers, please enjoy and leave me a comment if you do haha (please, I’m begging you to ;;). To myself, well done, kid. To CHEN and LAY, THANKS FOR MAKING ME SUFFER WITH YOUR TIMINGS.
Title inspired by 밑바닥에서 (From the Bottom) by Tablo ft. Bumkey. See the end for more notes.
｀、ヽ｀☂ヽ｀、ヽ
“I can take care of things myself, Hyung. You go home. Your family’s waiting for you,” Yixing said. Their manager looked back and forth between Yixing and Jongdae, who was standing in the hallway with them. His arms flapping awkwardly and shifting his weight from foot to foot, Jongdae couldn’t very well greet Yixing properly with someone else watching. And because Yixing stubbornly refused any help with his suitcases, he couldn’t pretend to be helpful.
“You sure?” their manager asked. His voice was laced with bone-weary exhaustion even though it was still early in the morning. But neither he nor Yixing breathed a word of complaint like Jongdae was so used to hearing from the mouths of the likes of Sehun and Baekhyun.
“I’m here if he needs anything,” Jongdae said. Seeing the manager smile knowingly made Jongdae feel warm, but it was Yixing’s adoring gaze that stretched Jongdae’s lips as wide as they could go.
It felt great that they weren’t taking Jongdae’s compassion for granted, but it was also a reminder that they had been apart for too long. That even when Yixing was back, he’d fly back to wherever they needed him in China once his task in Seoul was done. That Yixing hadn’t been able to be by Jongdae’s side for months on end.
The days Yixing had his hands full with solo activities were scattered between Jongdae's own solo activities, group promotions, concerts, and preparations for their third album. And even when Yixing had some time off, he’d tell Jongdae that he needed it to work on a song.
But Yixing was always working on a song, and Jongdae threw lots of silent fits, not understanding why he had to spend more time away from Jongdae than he already did.
By the time Jongdae got tired of throwing tantrums, the damage was done. Although they had finally stopped ignoring each other, Yixing often kept his distance and pushed the responsibility of making the first move to Jongdae.
It was half an attempt to give Jongdae some control over their relationship and half-wariness from not being able to placate Jongdae's mercurial moods.
But plans change.
The moment their manager left the dorm the air filled with tension. They were now completely alone. Minseok and Baekhyun had gone out to get breakfast with another manager after Jongdae had hinted for days on end that he would like to be left alone with Yixing when he finally comes home. There was no signal, but Jongdae and Yixing moved at the same time.
Yixing tasted like exhaustion and helplessness, but there was a determination in his kisses like he was forcing himself to slide his lips against Jongdae’s. His hands pawed at Jongdae’s face, at his hair, and down his back while Jongdae’s fingers clung to Yixing’s shirt. Their teeth clacked together and their moans mingled with sighs.
Jongdae would normally tell him to slow down. He’d normally console Yixing by reminding him that they could wait another day, that Yixing had just touched down less than three hours ago. But Jongdae shared his desperation. He’d been craving Yixing for too long that he himself was starting to forget that now of all times, Jongdae supposed to help Yixing let go. He was supposed to let Yixing know that Jongdae was there to catch him and hold on to him. Even though it hurt to feel Yixing push himself, it was all Jongdae could do to not cry for more.
It crossed his mind that Yixing was trying to convey his regret and was trying to make up for all the times he chose himself and his career over Jongdae. And Jongdae was so, so, tempted to let himself be spoiled. To fall pliant in Yixing’s arms and drown in the sensations Yixing’s body had to offer. But he wanted to take care of Yixing this time.
Jongdae tried to get Yixing’s attention but without much success. “Hy-mpfh-Hyung, wait a sec,” he said, pulling away, except Yixing took advantage of that momentum to push Jongdae back against a wall. With his tongue, Yixing coaxed Jongdae to relax and open up so he could fuck Jongdae’s mouth with his tongue languidly.
The moment Jongdae remembered enough of who and where he was to respond, Yixing withdrew with a parting nip at his top lip. He bent his head and nudged Jongdae’s jaw upwards with his nose so that his throat was bared. Jongdae’s breath quickened. It took him a beat or two later to realize what happened when Yixing latched his lips onto Jongdae’s skin, nipping and biting and sucking at a patch of skin before moving onto the next. His head was spinning and he whimpered as he carded a hand through Yixing’s hair.
“Missed you so much,” Yixing growled, the emotion in his voice making Jongdae shudder. His face scrunched in an effort not to cry. He wasn’t the type to cry easily but…
“Me too,” Jongdae said. “I missed you so fucking much.” All thoughts of taking the lead disappeared away from Jongdae’s mind when Yixing grabbed his hips and grinded against him. Jongdae slapped a hand on the wall to leverage himself before changing his mind and wrapping it around Yixing’s shoulder. Wordlessly, Yixing bent his knees slightly so Jongdae could climb onto him.
A little bit of sense filtered through the haze in Jongdae’s mind when he noticed Yixing’s action. “No, Hyung, your waist,” he protested.
Yixing’s eyes fell back into focus. “Oh. Yeah,” he said simply, like he had conveniently forgotten that he was still nursing an injury. Yixing suffered an accident in the middle of filming a web drama, a fall from a moving motorbike that exacerbated his old waist injury. Then, Yixing had been pushing himself to perform despite a prescribed bed rest, even dancing for some of the concert legs he was able to fit in between his other activities. It was one of the reasons Jongdae and Yixing often argued during the rare conversations they had, whether face to face or through pixelated phone screens.
When Yixing admitted himself into their usual hospital in Seoul, Jongdae met Yixing’s mother. He could understand why she was treating him like her son’s best friend, not his lover, but the feeling of being pushed away in Yixing’s twisted way of protecting his loved ones was like a knife stabbing his heart repeatedly. And like Yixing’s mother, Jongdae didn’t want to stop him from doing the things he loved but wanted Yixing to understand that there was always another solution.
There was always an alternative to things.
“Wait, we can still…” Jongdae trailed off as he fumbled with the fastenings of Yixing’s pants. Catching on, Yixing made quick work of Jongdae’s jeans, not bothering to push his boxers down before grabbing his half-hard cock and jerking Jongdae off.
“Hyung!” Jongdae cried as he leaned his head against Yixing’s shoulder, surprised and turned on by his impatience. He mouthed at Yixing’s collarbones, careful not to touch his neck. He grabbed at Yixing’s nape and pulled him in to kiss on the mouth, while Jongdae’s other hand reached for Yixing’s cock.
Yixing swallowed Jongdae’s noises as he pressed his body flush against Jongdae. By touch alone, he maneuvered them so that both their hands would stroke their cocks together, the wetness from their pre-cum and some spit making the glide easier. It was rough and messy, with Jongdae and Yixing coordinating themselves only by whispers and cut-off groans of each other’s names.
It was everything Jongdae wanted, but also not. Yixing was finally here with him, but everything was burning too brightly, too quickly. He wanted time to slow down, to stop, so he could make love to Yixing. He wanted to do more for Yixing. Jongdae needed to figure things out quick before Yixing leaves him again.
Three days had passed since Yixing flew back to Seoul for their comeback preparations, now that most of his solo projects had already wrapped up. The closest Jongdae and Yixing could get to being alone was the morning Yixing came back to the dorm, the two or three hours of sleep in each other's arms back in the privacy of their shared room, in the silent darkness of the early mornings.
On the last day of finalizing their new choreography set, they were rewarded with extra rest before their next activity. Although Yixing, determined to make up for his long absence, decided to stay back after practice as always. Normally, Jongdae would leave with the rest. But as exhausted as he was, the anxiety from being unable to spend as much time as possible with Yixing had been suffocating Jongdae.
The excess of frustration and loneliness made it hard for Jongdae to stop overthinking things and just enjoy what he's got. Even if it meant staying back just to keep Yixing company.
It was empty in the practice room but they weren't completely alone. Spending whole days and nights at the company was part and parcel of the lives of idols, trainees, and even the staff. Jongdae knew all this, but the knowledge that their manager would wait for Jongdae and Yixing to call before picking them up made his spine tingle with nervous excitement.
Just in case, Jongdae pretended to refill his water bottle, surreptitiously locking the door on the way. Tongue between his teeth, Jongdae kept glancing back at Yixing. Even though Yixing was practically burning a hole in his reflection, his eyes following every minute movement and his face set into a glare of concentration, Jongdae only started breathing easier after he tiptoed back to where their duffle bags were.
He sat down and made himself comfortable against the bags, wriggling left to right and back again until he was able to lean his shoulders against the sky-patterned wallpaper. He had positioned himself slightly to Yixing’s right, enough to make him conscious of Jongdae both in his peripheral vision and through their reflection.
Except he didn’t even give Jongdae the satisfaction of a quick glance.
Jongdae took off his snapback and played with his hair before putting the cap back on his head. Look at me, look at me, he chanted in his head as he tried to catch Yixing’s eyes. He frowned in disappointment and embarrassment when Yixing didn’t react. So much for telepathic bonds, Jongdae grumbled inwardly.
Resigning himself to the lonely fate of waiting for Yixing until he was done, but not wanting to take his eyes off of him, Jongdae decided to silently watch Yixing practice. He was used to seeing Yixing shirtless during practice. Since his body was naturally warmer than others, Yixing sweats easily, and there was rarely a time when he didn’t push himself until his shirt was drenched.
This time, though, Jongdae found himself mesmerized as Yixing moved in sharp and powerful motions to the quick beat of the music playing from the stereo speakers. His eyes started to roam from shoulder to shoulder blades, from Yixing’s nape down the spine all the way to the waistband of his pants, drinking in the sight of Yixing’s slicked back rippling with the movement of his muscles before smoothing out again. His mind started to wander before stopping at an image of Yixing on top of him, not from below like how they usually had sex, but like an observer with a bird’s eye view.
Jongdae slapped his hands on his cheeks, flushing harder when he felt himself burning up. He stifled the urge to groan and stomp his feet in frustration. He hadn’t been planning on doing anything more than making out and maybe some heavy petting if he was lucky. Now he was hugging his knees to his chest with his eyes squeezed shut.
He didn’t know how long he spent trying to pretend he wasn’t dying to be fucked, but Jongdae only opened his eyes when Yixing slumped on the floor beside him. He blinked his eyes rapidly, to adjust his eyes to the light, yes, but primarily because he was confused. Yixing was already starting his cool down routine, his slow movements now a huge contrast to the upbeat music.
Jongdae said the first thing on his mind. “Did your legs start shaking again?” When Yixing shook his head, Jongdae made an obnoxious sound of complete disbelief. The only times Yixing would voluntarily stop dancing before the track finished its run was either when the choreographer made the group stop or when his legs gave way from overexertion.
“I’m serious,” Yixing said with a wide grin. Jongdae wasn’t sure if it was because he found Jongdae amusing (very probable) or because he was high on endorphins (also very probable). Whatever the reason, it made Jongdae feel warm all over, more from an overflow of affection and a mixture of awe than the lust he was battling with previously.
Jongdae tilted his head to one side. “Seriously?” he said, as coyly as he could.
“Seriously,” Yixing repeated.
“Why do I feel so proud of you right now?” Jongdae said with a giggle.
Yixing paused in his stretching. “What’s...what’s there to be proud of?”
“Did you just stutter?”
“What’s there to be proud of?” Yixing said again, and then, “Why are you laughing at me?” His eyebrows were furrowed in dissatisfaction and his lips pouted magnificently. It was an adorable look that Jongdae had been seeing on screen lately, no longer directed towards him as often as it did before.
Jongdae shook his head and bit his lip before another unintentional giggle could escape. “I’m just really impressed,” he said as he leaned his weight against their bags, “by your self-discipline.”
Yixing narrowed his eyes at Jongdae but then stood up so he could continue where he left off in his routine. “That’s...thanks, I guess,” he said awkwardly before bending backward, hands on his waist. His waist...
“I like it best when you’re taking care of yourself,” Jongdae blurted out.
Yixing pulled himself up and bent forwards, but raised his head so he could smile at Jongdae. “I always take care of myself.”
Jongdae opened his mouth to argue but stopped himself. They were doing so well, back to teasing and laughing. Jongdae almost ruined it, but from Yixing’s questioning look, he didn’t entirely save the situation.
“You know what I love most about you?” Jongdae said completely out of the blue. Or maybe not. But the timing was terrible. Even though Yixing had already cooled down somewhat, splotches of red colored his cheeks.
“What?”
“I said, ‘You know what I like most about you?’,” Jongdae lied in a voice that sounded loud, even to him. “I like that you’re so confident.”
“Jongdae...what…?”
I’m not ‘Jongdae’ anymore, I’m ‘Jong-DEAD’! Jongdae thought hysterically. His face was probably as red as Yixing’s right now. “And I like how even though you’re more tired than me, you pushed yourself so hard in today’s practice, and you know how I push myself.”
Yixing had already straightened up but his head was bent and half of his face was covered by his hands. “Jongdae, stop,” he pleaded. But Jongdae couldn’t even though he was really, really trying.
“And I like how amazing you are, being able to have so much energy to stay back after practice and I was watching you and you did everything perfectly? Even though you’ve had to skip practice a lot to shoot for your show, it’s like you’ve never missed a single session and that’s just, wow, Hyung. Wow, you’re just really amazing to me?” Jongdae was rambling by now and he probably repeated some words. Worse, his tone made it sound as if he was wording everything into a question.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jongdae said timidly when Yixing stepped back and hid his face completely in his hands. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he was pretty sure it’s been awhile since either of them had complimented the other. And Yixing probably felt extra awkward at how sudden and random Jongdae was being. It was a disaster.
“I’m just-” Yixing cut himself off. He slid his hands down his face but even though his face was no longer covered, he still wasn’t looking at Jongdae. His hands fell to his sides, and then he crossed them, fingers tapping hurriedly on a forearm. “Thanks, I guess?” he said again.
Jongdae was about to pretend to laugh it off, pretend that Yixing’s awkwardness didn’t sting, didn’t leave his heart dropping into his stomach, didn’t make Jongdae feel extra mortified. But then a giggle burst out of Yixing.
“I’m sorry,” Yixing said, covering his mouth with a fist. He’s still chuckling, though, and Jongdae was still a mess of emotions so he didn’t respond. “I’m sorry, it’s just... I’m just really happy right now and I don’t know what to do?”
A corner of Jongdae’s mouth curled into a wry grin. “I was just telling the truth. You don’t need to do anything.” He shrugged and crossed his arms. He realized that he was mirroring Yixing so he uncrossed them and distractedly patted his knees in a slow rhythm. “I didn’t know what got over me except that I was watching you and I was turn…”
Jongdae trailed off, the words he was about to say making him realize that even though Yixing was standing some distance away from him, since he was sitting down, he was still roughly eye-level with Yixing’s pelvis. He swallowed nervously. The slight boner wasn’t obvious, but Yixing’s pants were a light gray and Jongdae was hyper-aware of everything right now.
“I was turned on,” Jongdae finished slowly, testing the waters. He waited for Yixing to meet his eyes. When they did, as wide as they were, Jongdae felt something inside him explode in relief and the tension wrapped around him changed from a heavy weight to a pleasant buzz.
Jongdae continued before Yixing could say anything, before he could maybe run away and leave their already fragile relationship in shambles. “I mean, seeing my boyfriend shirtless, and sweating, and eye-fucking himself... As hot as that made me feel, like I was saying, you working so hard made me…,” Jongdae gulped, “fall for you again. And I just...”
Jongdae floundered for the right words before giving up and starting all over again. “When you stopped before you could collapse, it made me so happy and proud of you, but y’know, like I said, your self-discipline made you really, really sexy and oh my god, Hyung… Can I suck you off?” Jongdae whispered the last phrase before shrieking soundlessly into his hands.
There was a long stretch of silence between them despite the music from the stereo speakers. Jongdae wanted to curl up into a ball. This was probably their first proper talk in a while that had to do with their relationship. He thought about the things he had said, had confessed, and the things he still has yet to say.
With Yixing, Jongdae was clumsy and awkward, his words and actions tripping and stumbling. And the whole time, from the moment Jongdae was first introduced as the new kid that was going to debut with those who’ve been in the company for years, to promoting in Yixing’s homeland despite the only time Jongdae had left his hometown was to go to Seoul, to returning to his homeland to promote their first full-length album, Yixing was there. He was there with Jongdae through the months when their popularity kept climbing and climbing, even during the days when they both agreed that everything was moving too fast.
The lazy hours they spent together almost alone but not quite, not when they had music and their dreams with them, stretched to months when not even their business could distract them from wishing things were better. When things were easier, like back when they were less popular, less jaded, less fooled into thinking that they knew each other better than blood brothers. Even lately, when Jongdae and Yixing were separated by distance and lack of communication and contradicting dreams, Jongdae couldn’t lie. Yixing was there with him every step of the way. Some way or another.
More than four years in, Yixing was still waiting for Jongdae to find his footing even as he was struggling to find his own path. Waiting for someone was so unlike Yixing. And yet, he was always there. Maybe not in the next bed in their shared room, but a phone call or a text away. Or even the occasional vague SNS update. One way or another.
He had been thinking about his and Yixing’s relationship for so long, wondering where they went wrong, wondering what he should do. And although he still couldn’t find the right answer, there was something he felt he should do for Yixing. What he was about to say was straight out of the kind of fanfiction Chanyeol liked to read out loud to get a rise out of everyone. Jongdae breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly.
“I want to be the one to take care of you this time. You deserve so much and I really, really, want to give this to you. Make you feel good. Reward you.” Jongdae’s voice squeaked at the last one but thankfully, Yixing looked as embarrassed as he was feeling and didn’t laugh. Before he could chicken out or Yixing could stop him (the worst out of the two), Jongdae was on his knees and shuffling towards Yixing.
Heart pounding furiously, Jongdae sat on his knees and dragged his hands up Yixing’s legs all the way to his hips. His fingers trailed the waistband of his pants, tingling as skin slid slowly over the sliver of skin above the band until they stopped at the fly. Jongdae looked up, eyes drinking in whatever Yixing could offer him, the light trail of pubic hair, the temptingly soft skin around his navel, the perfect blend of hard abs and meaty flesh, the light brown nipples erect from arousal, the length of Yixing’s neck that no one, not even Jongdae was allowed to touch, the sharp jaw tilted towards him, the dry lips shaped into an imperfect circle that let out only the slightest of noise and breath…all the way to Yixing’s eyes, wide and dark with want.
“Will you let me?” Jongdae asked. It was different from their usual, ‘Can I?’. More vulnerable. Jongdae was putting his desire aside in favor of Yixing’s pleasure, and this was new territory for both of them.
“Yeah,” Yixing breathed. “Please,” he said, a bit louder and a bit more firmly.
Jongdae unbuttoned his pants and pulled the zipper down quickly, swallowing his nervousness and the need to thank god out loud. Stuck to his skin with sweat, Yixing’s pants and briefs were hard to pull down, but when Yixing tried to help, Jongdae stopped him with quiet and determined, “No, let me do it.” He tugged until there was just enough room for him to pull Yixing’s half-hard cock out.
Warm and thick in his hand and damp from sweat, it was a reminder of the times they used to do this after practice or a workout. Jongdae’s throat clogged up with something more than nervousness. Between work and their cold war, they hadn’t had many opportunities to have sex, and Jongdae was sadly out of practice with blowjobs. He was going to have to make up for it by taking things slow so he could relearn Yixing.
Jongdae pulled and dragged his hand up and down Yixing’s shaft, alternating between slow and fast. He purposely let his mouth hang open near, coaxing Yixing to full hardness with his exaggerated breathing. The tip of his cock hit Jongdae’s mouth and when he licked it while trying to wet his lips, Yixing let out a long and drawn-out moan. Spurred by the sound, Jongdae raised his eyes to Yixing’s and fluttered his tongue against his slit, teasing Yixing in more ways than one.
“Jongdae,” Yixing cried, the second syllable breaking off into a whimper. Jongdae gripped Yixing’s hip with his free hand to steady both of them before pushing his head down on Yixing’s cock. With one hand, he kept stroking Yixing the lower half of his dick while drawing soothing circles on Yixing’s hipbone with the thumb of his free hand. He bobbed up and down with deliberate slowness, tongue and head twisting around so Yixing could feel Jongdae on him as much as possible.
Pleased with the trembling fingers that knocked off his cap to comb and grip handfuls of his hair, Jongdae pulled up and suckled at Yixing’s cockhead, making a show of swallowing the mixture of pre-cum, sweat, and saliva. “God, fuck,” Yixing gasped, then bit his bottom lip harshly as he forced himself not to jerk harder into Jongdae’s mouth, not to dig his fingernails harder into Jongdae’s scalp, even though Jongdae’s own fingers were leaving small crescents on his hip.
Jongdae let up, breaking the trail of spit connecting them with his tongue, licking messily around his mouth and moaning needily, remembering that Yixing loved watching and hearing him being shameless, especially when they were fucking. “You doing good?” he asked cheekily as he stopped stroking Yixing’s shaft to play with the tip.
Even though it couldn’t have been more than ten minutes, Jongdae’s confidence had already returned, knowing that he could still leave Yixing nodding and whining helplessly, words lost in the moment. “Good,” Jongdae said.
He leaned forward so he could lick broad strips along Yixing’s cock, eyes closed as he focused on the sensations, of the taste, of the sounds, of the overflowing affection and need he felt for Yixing and his responses to them. He breathed in more than air, swallowed more than spit, he took in all of Yixing’s guttural groans, his clipped curses, his soft sighs, and the numerous ways he said Jongdae’s name.
Jongdae and Yixing fell back to a familiar rhythm. Of using their silent cues to switch between who gets to control the pace. Yixing’s fingers sliding down Jongdae’s head to his neck meant that Jongdae should relax his throat. Jongdae pulling off to suck at the seam joining Yixing’s cock and his balls meant that Yixing should widen his legs.
“Hyung, do you want to finish up here or…?” Jongdae trailed off, his index finger massaging the skin leading to Yixing’s asshole. They don’t normally fuck with Jongdae as the top, but he was really determined to be the one doing most of the work tonight. Granted, he could just ride Yixing or fuck him from the bottom...but Jongdae was doing a lot of things different tonight. He might as well go all the way.
Not hearing an answer other than heavy panting, Jongdae stopped laving attention on Yixing. He leaned back, shifting his weight onto his toes instead of his knees. “Hyung?”
Yixing’s eyes refocused, his chest still heaving and his skin flushed brightly under the artificial lighting. He patted Jongdae’s hair and smoothed it down before cupping Jongdae’s jaw. “Yeah, let’s go back to the dorm,” he said. He then bent down to kiss the mess off of Jongdae’s mouth.
The mood would have disappeared completely by the time they got back, their boners hidden under their duffle bags and left to wilt. But Jongdae wouldn’t let Yixing forget what was in store for them later. He kept smiling at his window, knowing that Yixing was watching him and would catch his reflection. Even while he sang along to the songs played on the speakers, he’d only use choice words when he was locking eyes on Yixing’s.
The moment they got through the door, Jongdae already started undressing, loudly saying that he was going for a shower. A clear signal for Yixing to join in and for their manager who had long put two and two together.
“I still can’t believe you didn’t even have time to play with yourself,” Jongdae said as he inserted another lubed finger into Yixing’s asshole. He had been surprised to find out how tight Yixing was while he cleaned him off in the shower. Now they were back in their room, on Yixing’s bed.
Yixing spread his legs wider, groaning and arching his back when Jongdae licked his cock briefly in approval. “Aren’t you glad, though?” he asked. “That I don’t have the time to even cheat on you.”
He said it with a laugh, but Jongdae paused in his ministrations at Yixing’s words. This time, again, he could begin a new argument as he tried to defend himself and attack Yixing’s careless words. Or he could, again, be honest with the both of them.
“Even when I’m sulking, I know you’re always good to me, Hyung. You’re the most loyal person I know. And I love you for that.” Yixing’s mouth fell open at Jongdae’s confession and the lack of denial. “Thank you for being loyal to me,” he said before leaning in for a kiss.
They kissed deeply, slowly, and desperately. “To us,” Jongdae murmured when they broke off for air. “For being loyal to ‘us’,” he said, pressing chaste kisses at the corners of Yixing’s mouth where his dimples were. His other hand was still busy stretching Yixing, so he used his free hand to gently close Yixing’s eyes so he could kiss his eyelids. “And loyal to yourself, and your dreams, which is the most important thing.”
A choking sound rose up in Yixing’s throat. He slung an arm across Jongdae’s shoulder, pulling him down so he can hide his face against his chest. “You’re so beautiful, Hyung,” Jongdae whispered in between kissing wherever he could reach Yixing in that cramped position. “There are so many people who want to watch you fall, but you never let them. You’re the most beautiful and amazing person I know.”
“Jongdae.”
Jongdae hummed as he rubbed himself against Yixing. “Yes, Hyung?”
“Please. I’m so ready, Jongdae. Please.”
Jongdae pulled away in surprise except for the fingers buried inside Yixing. Yixing very rarely begged, being the more dominant one in their relationship, even if he was more emotional. For him to let go that much and allow Jongdae to take full control made his cock so hard it actually hurt.
Filled with curiosity, Jongdae pulled his fingers out and made Yixing turn over on his hands and knees. He took his cock in hand and lined it up against Yixing’s asshole, rubbing the slick head against the whorl. He gulped, both in arousal and in anticipation of what he was about to do.
Just as Yixing was in the middle of pleading for Jongdae to give it to him, he broke off with a gasp when Jongdae gripped his thighs and pushed them closer together, letting his cock slip in between and rub against Yixing’s own cock. “Does that feel good, Hyung?” Jongdae breathed into Yixing’s ear as he snapped his hips against Yixing’s ass.
“God, yes. It feels so good, Jongdae,” Yixing groaned.
“You know what feels better?” Jongdae said in between pants. “Having my cock in between these goddamn gorgeous thighs.”
Yixing slammed his head against his pillow. “Shit.”
“Sometimes all I want to do is just bite them. Mark you with my teeth and my lips. So that even while people drool over your thighs like when you wore those tight shorts for that show, they can see that these are mine. I wanna mark you so good that it takes weeks to fade.”
“Oh my god, Jongdae. Fuck!” Yixing cried through clenched teeth. He cursed louder when Jongdae reached around his waist, adjusting them both so his cock could slide against Yixing’s better, so they could both fuck into his hands. Jongdae could barely hear Yixing gasping for him to go faster, to give him more, over the loud pounding in his ears.
“You want more?” Jongdae said with a grunt. “You want me to fuck you properly? My dick inside you?”
“Yes, yes, yes,” Yixing chanted under his breath, mixing his affirmation with more begging. “Please, give it to me.”
Jongdae paused to pull himself up and press his cock against Yixing’s asshole. Letting the sound of their harsh panting and Yixing’s poorly concealed begging wash over him, Jongdae slowly fucked into Yixing, driving in deeper with every rock of his hips. Yixing let out a drawn-out moan when Jongdae buried himself completely.
Watching Yixing struggle not to fuck himself on his cock made it harder for Jongdae to take things slow. All he wanted to do was just drown in Yixing wet heat, let his body find its release. But Jongdae reminded himself through the lust trying to cloud his mind that this was Yixing’s first time bottoming in a long while.
With difficulty, Jongdae fucked Yixing slowly and gently. He kept himself focused by telling Yixing how much he loved him, how much he admired him. He listed down whatever achievements he could think of: Yixing getting a new project, Yixing getting a new award, Yixing getting more influence in his homeland. With each one, Jongdae reminded Yixing how much he deserved them, how much Yixing should be appreciated for them.
While his head was spinning from the feeling of Yixing’s ass clenching his cock, the sight of Yixing writhing beneath him, and the sounds coming out of his mouth, Jongdae somehow received a revelation. Maybe this was why Yixing liked to be in control during sex. Jongdae could get addicted to the feeling of immense satisfaction in being the reason for Yixing’s intense pleasure. He was going to have to talk to Yixing about this. But for now, he was thinking less and less clearly.
Yixing too, from the desperate way he called out to Jongdae and from the way he blindly reached towards Jongdae, was reaching his peak. Jongdae lowered himself so his chest could rest on Yixing’s back and he could jerk Yixing off.
“Come first, Hyung,” he panted. His face scrunched up in an effort to hold himself back from climaxing before Yixing. When Yixing came, entire body shuddering hard and voice breaking, Jongdae almost cried with relief, fucking Yixing hard through his own orgasm.
“I love you, Jongdae,” Jongdae heard Yixing say after a while. He smiled dopily from his high even as he tried to catch his breath. Jongdae slowly pulled his softening cock out, moving away from the bed to get rid of the used condom. When he came back, Yixing had already rolled over and was settled comfortably against the pillows.
His arms were wide open in invitation, and Jongdae lets himself collapse on top of Yixing and be wrapped around his arms. He giggled when Yixing kissed the top of his head and sighed contently.
“I love you so much.”
｀、ヽ｀☂ヽ｀、ヽ
1 Voice message from My Jongdae at 12:15am
Hey, Hyung. [sniffling] Aw shit, I still sound funny. Sorry it took me so long to call you, even though I know you’re busy with post-concert stuff. I hope you’re having fun because I just spent the last hour crying!
[laughter]
So yeah...about your song. And your MV. You were thinking of me, weren’t you? I’m sorry if I made you worry. I’m trying, y’know? I know I was stupid to sulk and I’m really sorry for making you feel bad, and wanting you to feel bad about it.
I’m an idiot, I know that, you know that. But I just want to tell you that I won’t let you let me go. I don’t want to say ‘never’, but don’t give up on me, Hyung. Even if I’m being confusing and say things I don’t mean, don’t let me go. Even if I’m not doing my job as your better half, please wait for me like you always do.
I love you. And I’m so proud of you. Holy shit, you’ve wrapping up another season, and you got to collab with another one of your idols, and now you have an entire song to yourself, and-Shit, I’m running out of time. Call me. No! Video call me! I want to see you.
I love you! So much, as much, and more.
Timeline:
- Yixing gets into an accident on the 30th of January 2016 and the news broke out on the 31st ( sources). He returned to Seoul on the 1st of February 2016 for further treatment ( sources).
- Jongdae’s collab with rapper Heize for Lil’ Something, an SM Station song produced by VIBE’s Jae Hyunru was released on the 7th of April 2016.
- Comeback prep aka they fuck aka ¾ of this fic
- Yixing filmed the last episode of Go Fighting where they held a charity concert on the 26th of June 2016 ( sources) and his SM Station solo, Monodrama, was released later at midnight KST.
- Extra: RL Jongdae bringing this ship back to life at Dream Concert 2016 and basically killing me dead because he reached out to Yixing first. So, y’know, my author’s note no longer has to be, “I wrote this because this ship is dead and I’m going to pretend it’s not.”
- Extra EXTRA: I had just finalized the fic when this happened. SO LIKE. HE ACTUALLY WORKED ON IT WITHOUT JD KNOWING. DON’T TOUCH ME. I’M STILL DYING!